I learned early on that, of all my brothers, Jarrod was the least likely to succumb to my feminine charms. He had married soon after I arrived on the scene, and Sarah, his wife, wasted no time in providing him with a son�Trevor�who would become my closest companion and, at times, the bane of my existence.
Unlike Papa, Jarrod was a strict father. Mother said that accounted for Trevor�s passivity. When Papa asked me to do something, I did it immediately because I wanted to please him. But Jarrod didn�t ask�he ordered�and Trevor cowered. I, however, did not.
In later years, Mother referred to the summer of 1889 as the outlaw summer, because together Trevor and I broke every rule (make that every law in Jarrod�s terminology) ever made on the ranch, in town, and elsewhere. I was not by nature a rebellious child, but that summer I became determined to repay Jarrod for every fancied slight.
It had begun, so I�m told, when I arrived at the ranch against Jarrod�s best legal advice. As all babies do, I woke regularly during the night to be fed and changed. I also woke up the rest of the house, and the next morning, Jarrod said that he had business in San Francisco and departed abruptly. His parting words were, according to Audra, Mother and Royce had better get that baby on a schedule soon, or she�ll be thoroughly spoiled.
Incensed, Audra slammed the door after him and stormed upstairs to take charge of me for the day so that Mother and Papa could get some rest.
Nick, Audra, Heath, and Gene doted on me. Jarrod, on the other hand, while affectionate, was more authoritative and often took it upon himself to correct my manners somewhat sharply. I loved him, but I kept my distance from him.
So, the summer that I was eight, I wasn�t enthusiastic about being left with Jarrod and Sarah while Mother and Papa spent a few days in San Francisco.
�Why can�t I stay at the ranch with Nick and Heath?� I asked Mother.
�Nick and Heath will be busy getting ready to drive the herd to market. I�m afraid there�s no other choice but Jarrod�s house in town.�
I sighed. I enjoyed Trevor�most of the time�and Sarah was a pleasant person who tended to overlook most things. Unfortunately, Jarrod didn�t, and that was the problem.
�Now, Kate, I know that you aren�t as close to Jarrod as you are to the others, but perhaps this would be a good opportunity to get to know him better.� She eyed me keenly. �I know I can count on you to be good.�
�Good like you and Papa think is good, or like Jarrod thinks is good?�
It was her turn to sigh. �Just be yourself, Kate. Everything will be all right.�
Papa took me for a long walk in the morning before they drove me into Stockton. �Now, Kate, I know that you don�t relish spending three days at Jarrod�s house, but your mother has really looked forward to this trip to San Francisco.�
�I want you to go, Papa,� I said hurriedly.
He squeezed my hand. �There�s my good girl.�
I glowed as I always did in the light of Papa�s approval.
�Now I know that Jarrod is a little. . .a little. . .well, shall we say, strict compared to what you are accustomed to. However, I�m sure that you will understand the necessity of obeying his rules. It is his home, after all.�
�Yes, Papa.�
�And it�s only for three days, Kate precious.�
�Yes, Papa.� Those three days stretched out more like three weeks in my mind.
But off I went with my valise, my favorite doll of the moment, Jennifer Jane, and many loving embraces from Mother and Papa and the assurance that there would be a lovely surprise for me tucked into their luggage upon their return.
Jarrod was at his office, but Sarah welcomed me warmly, and Trevor helped me carry my things upstairs to the guestroom. He didn�t even make a rude remark about Jennifer Jane. Sarah offered to help me put my things away, but I assured her that I could do it myself and added, �Mother says that a well brought up girl should know how to pack and unpack for herself.�
She seemed to be trying not to smile. �Well, of course, KatieBee, Victoria would teach you the proper thing.� She went downstairs and left Trevor and me alone.
�Want to go see the new fish in the pond?� he asked.
�Are they big enough to see? Not just babies?� Jarrod�s goldfish pond with its tinkling waterfall was his pride and joy. He�d built it himself and diligently tended the fish and the water plants.
�Father brought two new ones the last time he was in San Francisco.�
�All right.� I closed the wardrobe door and pushed my empty valise under the bed. �Let�s go.�
We went down the back stairs to the yard. I spotted the new fish immediately, their rainbow-colored bodies sparkling in the early afternoon sun. �I�d like to be a fish,� Trevor said.
�Why?�
�They don�t have to take baths.�
�They live in the water, silly!�
�Or go to Sunday School, or keep their napkins in their laps at meals, or. . .�
�Or follow all of Jarrod�s rules!� I muttered.
He looked a little sad. �Yeah. I mean yes.� That was another one of the rules. Trevor had been speaking like an elocutionist since he could talk.
�Let�s take off our shoes and socks and put our feet in the water,� I suggested. �It looks nice and cool.�
�Maybe we shouldn�t.�
�Is it a rule?�
He frowned. �Well, no, I don�t think so, but. . .�
�Just for a few minutes. Papa and Mother take me wading in the creek at the ranch.�
He looked doubtful, but soon he was wiggling his bare toes in the water next to mine while the fish investigated this new feature of their home. I�m not sure how it happened, but the next thing I knew, I was wading across to the other side. The fish scattered wildly. By the time I got there, the bottom of my underdrawers and the hem of my dress were very wet. Mother would simply have told me to change and put them over the porch rail to dry, so I wasn�t worried.
�Come on over, Trevor,� I called. He hesitated, then started across. Unfortunately, he tripped on something and ended up submerged to his hair. The pond wasn�t deep, so he wasn�t in any danger of drowning, but he was soaked to the skin.
�You�ll dry,� I assured him. �Come sit here on the big rock with me.� Jarrod had had the rocks for the pond hauled from the ranch, and some of them were almost as big as boulders. Trevor clambered up beside me. We were not completely dry when Jarrod came around the corner of the house and spotted us.
�Trevor! KatieBee! What in the world are you doing?�
�Watching the fish,� I replied.
�Have you been in the pond?�
I didn�t like the look on his face, but I knew better than to lie to him. �Yes,� I said. �We waded across.�
�Go in the house immediately and change your clothes!�
We obeyed. When we came downstairs again, Jarrod took us into the library and closed the door. �Trevor, haven�t I told you never to wade in the pond?�
�No, Father,� he replied, his eyes downcast.
�Oh. Well, I�m telling you now�never, ever go into the pond. Don�t even put your feet in it!� Then he turned to me. �You should have known better, Katherine.� No one ever called me Katherine, not even Papa when I tried to help by washing all his pipes and thoroughly ruined them. Jarrod called me by my full name when he was irritated, which he was now.
�I go wading in the creek at the ranch,� I replied a little defiantly.
�This isn�t the ranch�it�s my home, and while you�re here, you�ll obey my rules.�
I nodded. �All right. The new fish are very pretty.�
�Now go find something to occupy yourselves until dinner.�
�Something not against the rules,� I muttered on the way out.
�What?� he called.
�Nothing,� I said. I took Trevor�s hand. �Let�s go build something with your new blocks.�
Trevor looked at me gratefully. �I�m glad you�re here, KatieBee,� he said.
I wasn�t, but I didn�t say so.
Things went from bad to worse after that. First, I spilled my milk at dinner. Sarah said it didn�t matter, that the table linens were scheduled for the laundry the next day anyway. But Jarrod frowned and said that I should pay more attention to what I was doing. I was mortified because I never spilled. Whenever Mother and Papa had guests, I was always allowed at the table with them because Papa said I had such good manners.
I was on my way back from the WC at the end of the hall that night when I heard Sarah say, �Jarrod, you�re too critical of KatieBee�and of Trevor, too, for that matter.�
�We�ve been through all this before, Sarah. Children need discipline.�
�They need love more, Jarrod.�
�I love them.�
Sarah sighed. �All right, Jarrod.�
Trevor came into my room when the house was quiet. �Maybe I could come stay at the ranch when Grandfather Royce and Grammie get back.�
�Sure,� I said agreeably.
�I like it out there.�
�Me, too.�
He stretched out across the foot of my bed. �Grandfather Royce never gets mad, does he?�
�Never.�
�Grammie talks a lot about the wooden spoon though. Has she ever used it on you?�
�Once,� I admitted.
�Why?�
�I�well, I stamped my foot at her, but that was a long time ago.�
�I wouldn�t mind the wooden spoon.�
�No?�
�You�re lucky, KatieBee.�
Suddenly I felt very sorry for Trevor. �I know,� I said. �You can sleep in here tonight if you want to. Here�s a pillow.�
************
After breakfast the next morning, we wandered out back�carefully avoiding the pond�and sat down under a tree. �If you had a swing on that big limb up there, it would be nice.�
He followed my gaze. �Father said it would weaken the limb.�
�I have one in Nashville�and another one at the ranch. Nick put it up for me.�
�I know.�
�What do you want to do?�
�I don�t know.�
�We could walk uptown to the general store. I have my pocket money.�
He licked his lips. �We could buy a licorice.�
�Let�s go then.�
�Maybe we shouldn�t.�
�Is it a rule?�
He thought for a minute. �I don�t think so.�
�Then let�s go.�
�I ought to tell Mother.�
I knew he was right, but something inside me said that Jarrod wouldn�t like our plan, and that idea appealed to me. �We�ll be back in a few minutes. She said she was going to be sewing upstairs anyway.�
He got to his feet. �All right.�
Jarrod�s house was five blocks from the square, and we took our time. The street was crowded with horses and wagons was very dusty, so we kept to the porches in front of the stores and finally reached Mr. Bond�s Emporium. It was my favorite because it smelled nice inside, and Mr. Bond let me look at everything for as long as I wanted, even when Mother went to another store.
�Well, good morning, Miss Kate!� he greeted me heartily. �And Trevor�I don�t see you down here very often.�
�Good morning, Mr. Bond. Trevor and I came for some licorice. I have my pocket money.�
�Don�t you know your pocket money�s no good at Bond�s Emporium?� He opened the tall jar of licorice whips. �You two just help yourselves.�
We did, thanking him effusively as he also handed us two peppermint drops apiece.
�Now just make yourselves at home. Look around as long as you like. There are some new toys that just arrived from St. Louis. You don�t want to miss those.�
We didn�t miss a single one. In fact, we were so taken with them that we lost track of time. The next thing I knew, Jarrod was standing over me, hands on his hips and a rather frightening expression on his handsome face. �Katherine, what in the world are you thinking of? Sarah is frantic! She thought someone had kidnapped the two of you!�
�They�ve been just fine with me, Mr. Barkley,� Mr. Bond said quickly.
Jarrod grabbed Trevor�s arm and motioned to me to follow him. It was a long, silent walk home, where Sarah embraced us both and asked over and over if we were all right.
�I found them in town,� Jarrod said sternly. �Whose idea was it to run off that way?�
�It was mine,� I said, lifting my chin. �Only we didn�t run off. I had my pocket money, and I told Trevor that we�d go and buy some licorice, but then Mr. Bond told us about the toys, and. . .�
I didn�t like the way Jarrod looked at me, but I stood my ground. �You will not leave the yard again. Do you understand?�
�Yes, Father.� Trevor�s lip trembled.
�Oh, Jarrod, they�re all right, and. . .�
He silenced Sarah with a look. Then he turned that look on me. �Do you understand, Katherine?�
�Yes.�
�Then go inside and wash your hands and faces�both of you. It�s almost time for lunch.�
Inevitably, I spilled again at lunch.
***********
Sarah read to us in the afternoon and took us for a walk to pick wildflowers. At dinner I politely declined a glass of milk when Isaiah, the houseman, tried to pour it for me. That night, Trevor snuck into my room and slept at the foot of my bed again.
**********
The next morning we played on the porch until it started to rain. I loved the rain. If it wasn�t storming or cold, Mother always let me dance with the fairies. She said I looked like a water sprite and that the raindrops made a crown of diamonds in my hair. Unfortunately, just as Trevor and I were really beginning to think of ourselves as water sprites, Jarrod came home for lunch.
�Get in the house right now!� he hollered. �But go around back to the kitchen so that you don�t drip all over the front hall!�
We scuttled off. Isaiah said we weren�t that wet and dried us with a big towel before sending us up the back stairs. Wearing dry clothes, we presented ourselves for lunch. When Jarrod asked why we were doing such a silly thing as standing out in the rain, I said, �We weren�t standing in the rain! We were dancing with the fairies!�
He looked startled. Then, �I don�t like your tone of voice, Katherine. Do you talk to your parents this way?�
�No.� I almost added Mother and Papa didn�t talk to me in such a mean way as he did�but I thought of how Mother said she knew she could count on me to be good, so I kept quiet.
�Then don�t speak to me like that. You�re setting a bad example for Trevor.�
Again, I declined milk at lunch and kept my eyes on my plate.
That night, I overheard Sarah and Jarrod talking again. �KatieBee has lovely manners, Jarrod. You�re too hard on her. You�re too hard on Trevor, too. He�s afraid of you.�
�That�s ridiculous, Sarah. Trevor�s my son. He knows that I love him and want the best for him.�
�He�s a child, Jarrod, not a grown man. Let him be a child. And he adores KatieBee.�
�I don�t think she�s a very good influence on him. However, Mother will be back tomorrow, and. . .�
�Trevor wants to go to the ranch for a few days. I told him that he could.�
�You should have discussed it with me first.�
�It�s very difficult to discuss anything with you these days, Jarrod.�
�What is that supposed to mean?�
She sighed. �If you understood that, things wouldn�t be like they are. I�m going to check on the children.�
I hurried to my room.
*******
Mother and Papa arrived just after lunch the next day. To my great relief, Jarrod had a luncheon in town and wasn�t home. �How did things go, Sarah?� Mother asked as she watched me pack my valise.
�Oh, fine, Victoria. KatieBee was good company for Trevor. I�m afraid he gets rather lonely in the summer with no other children near by.�
�May Trevor come to the ranch with us, Mother?� I asked.
�Why, of course! I was going to suggest it myself. You�ll be at loose ends with Nick and Heath away, and Audra and the boys won�t be here until next week.�
I thanked Sarah politely for letting me stay with her, then hurried downstairs to where Ciego and Papa were waiting with the chaise. Papa hugged me for the fourth time. �We missed our Kate.�
�I missed you, too,� I said. �I really did!�
**********
When Mother and Papa came in to say goodnight, they brought my surprise�a blue-enameled music box that played Clair de Lune. �Oh, it�s beautiful! Thank you!�
�We saw it in a little shop near the waterfront and thought of you,� Papa said. �It�s very fragile, and most people wouldn�t buy something so expensive for a little girl just eight years old. But you take such good care of your things, Kate. We knew that we could trust you with it.�
�You didn�t have to bring me anything, but I really like it.�
Mother smoothed my hair from my face. �How did things work out for you at Jarrod�s house?�
�Everything was fine,� I said. �Just fine.�
Papa tipped my chin with a well-manicured finger. �Really, Kate?�
�Well�mostly fine.�
�Mostly fine. I see.� I knew that he did, too.
I sighed. �I got into trouble every day. Jarrod got mad because I waded in the fish pond, and then Trevor and I went uptown for licorice whips and stayed too long, and then we were dancing with the fairies when it rained, and he didn�t like that either, and I spilled my milk twice, so I didn�t drink anymore the whole rest of the time, and. . .� I ran out of breath.
�You never spill, Kate,� Mother said seriously.
�I didn�t mean to, but. . .�
�And perhaps you shouldn�t have gone uptown alone, but. . .�
�We were in Mr. Bond�s store the whole time.�
Papa and Mother looked at each other for a long time. Then Papa tucked the sheet around my shoulders and kissed me. �Well, I�m sure you tried very hard to be good, Kate. It�s difficult to learn new rules overnight.�
�I don�t think Jarrod likes me,� I said. �And he�s mean to Trevor.�
Mother�s lips came together in a firm line that meant she was irritated at something�or someone, hopefully not me. �Go to sleep now, darling. Tomorrow you and Trevor can hunt for the eggs in the barn, and perhaps we�ll take a picnic up on the North Ridge.�
**********
For four days, Trevor and I reveled in the freedom of the ranch. Every morning we gathered the eggs from the barn, scattering chickens and feathers as we scrambled up the ladder to the loft. Once we looked down and saw Ciego drinking his coffee just below us and actually dropped an egg smack in his cup. Then, as we ducked down, giggling, we could hear him muttering, �Huevos del cielo? Huevos?�
We tied my hair ribbons on the goats and had a grand parade before the goats ate the ribbons. Mother said that I would have to use my pocket money to buy more or go without. Then I heard her tell Papa, before he rode into town for the mail, that he was not to bring back anything for me, especially hair ribbons.
We hid under the kitchen table and emptied an entire plate of ginger cookies in the time it took Mr. Silas to get another batch from the oven. He caught us, though, when we couldn�t help laughing at him standing there scratching his head and saying, �I know�d there�s a full plate! Put it there m�sef!� He dragged us out from beneath the cloth, confiscated all the uneaten cookies, and told us firmly that little ladies and gentlemen didn�t help themselves without asking first.
One day it rained, and we ran out to dance with the fairies while Mother and Papa applauded us from the terrace doors. I thought with some satisfaction of how angry Jarrod would be, and that made me dance even better.
We persisted in sliding down the banisters, despite repeated scoldings from Mr. Silas who was always the one to catch us. The last time we landed in the foyer, we found him waiting , brandishing a wooden spoon. �Oh, Mr. Silas, you wouldn�t spank us, would you?� I asked, a little worried by the seriousness of his expression.
�Yes�m, I surely would! I catch you comin� down like that agin, and I wears you out!� I had a feeling that he would, too�or, at least, call Mother and give her the spoon. That night Trevor and I snuck downstairs and hid every spoon we could find, and the next morning, we heard Silas muttering in the kitchen about how in the world he was expected to mix up griddle cakes without a spoon.
One afternoon, Papa took us wading in the creek. Trevor cried when he ripped his pants on a limb. I convinced him to take them off and hide them in the brush before we got back to the house. When Papa, who had gone on a little way in front of us, asked Trevor where his pants were, I said, �An alligator ate them.�
Papa didn�t ask any more questions, but Mother did, of course. She finally broke down Trevor�s staunch insistence that the alligator had gobbled down his pants, almost taking him with them, and made him go get his pants. Then she made me write fifty times, �Alligators do not live in the creek,� and tucked it into my mirror with the comment that there was a time and place for making up stories and a time and place for telling the plain truth.
The next day, climbing on the corral fence�something Nick had forbidden me to do while he was gone�I ripped my dress. Mother made me spend the afternoon in my room mending it. When she came in later to inspect my work, she asked, �How did you tear your dress, Kate?�
�I don�t s�pose you�d believe that a big grizzly bear reached out and grabbed me and nearly carried me off,� I said, not looking at her.
�I suppose I wouldn�t.� She waited, and when I didn�t go on, she said, �Were you climbing on the corral fence?�
�Yes.�
�Didn�t Nick tell you not to do that?�
�Yes.�
�Then tonight before you go to bed, you will write him a letter telling him what you did and that you�re very sorry for disobeying him. I trust you are sorry?�
I nodded.
She picked up my dress. �You did a very nice job, Kate darling. Now brush your hair and come down to dinner.�
When I had to practice the piano the next afternoon, Trevor sat under the piano and grabbed for my toes on the pedals until I yelled that I was going to stuff them into his mouth so that there�d be no room for his tongue. He cried again. Mother said that I�d been unkind and should apologize, which I did, but she didn�t remind me to practice the next day�and so I didn�t.
Just before dinner on the last evening, we found a pot of paint that Mr. Silas was mixing for his newest painting and smeared our faces like Indians. Tucking chicken feathers in our hair, we dashed through the house whooping loudly. When we reached the foyer, we realized that the minister and his wife had arrived for dinner�something Mother had told us in the morning but which we�d forgotten.
Mother took one look at us and pointed silently toward the stairs. Unfortunately, the paint didn�t remove easily, so we weren�t entirely clean when we presented ourselves at the table. Every time Mother happened to glance at us, she lifted her eyes heavenward. Papa just smiled and winked.
That night, unable to fall asleep, we put pillow cases over our heads and ran around squealing until we fell in a dizzy heap. Papa came running in, sure that something terrible was happening. Trevor threw up.
As Mother peeled off the pillowcases and shooed us back to bed, I heard Papa say, �I believe I understand why God gives children to young parents.�
*********
The next evening, Sarah and Jarrod came for dinner, after which Trevor would go home. He disappeared upstairs shortly before his parents arrived�and when Mother sent me to call him for dinner, I had to report that I couldn�t find him.
�I�m sure he�s fine,� Mother said calmly as Papa held her chair for her. �He�ll come out when he gets hungry.�
Jarrod�s face was like a thunder cloud. Sarah just looked sad.
I spilled my milk the first thing. Mr. Silas wiped it up and patted me. Papa and Mother didn�t say a word.
When Trevor still hadn�t appeared for dessert, Mother looked at me and said, �Kate, do you know where Trevor is?�
�No, Mother.� I wanted to say that maybe an alligator or a grizzly bear had gotten him. That would make Jarrod good and mad, but there were Sarah�s feelings to consider.
�The truth now, Katherine. . .� Jarrod began.
�Kate has answered her mother�s question.� Papa�s voice was soft but unusually authoritative. �She understands that the truth doesn�t bring retribution.�
Jarrod flushed.
Papa turned to me. �Do you know why Trevor didn�t come to dinner?�
That much I knew. �He doesn�t want to go home,� I said, avoiding Jarrod�s face.
�He�s probably been allowed to run wild out here,� Jarrod said sharply.
I�d never seen Mother look so angry, but when she spoke, her voice was smooth. �What did you do when you were seven years old growing up here on the ranch, Jarrod?�
He stared at her.
�I think it�s time we had a talk,� she said, folding her napkin. �In the library.�
�Mother, I. . .�
She paused beside his chair. �Jarrod�I said.�
When they�d gone, Sarah sat trying not to cry. �He�s a good man,� she said. �Really, he is.�
�Of course, he is,� Papa said kindly. �No one would ever think anything else.�
Unnoticed, I slipped off my chair and crossed the foyer to the closed door of the library and put my ear against it. Mother�s voice came through clearly.
�I�ve been wanting to have this talk with you for a long time, Jarrod, but I hesitated to interfere. Nevertheless, I don�t like what I see happening to you�to Sarah�and to my grandson, and so I will have my say. Then you may choose to ignore my words�I can�t stop you.�
�For goodness sakes, Mother, we�re talking about a little boy who has been allowed. . .�
�To run wild? Of course, he has! Let�s see. . .he�s dropped eggs out of the barn loft, stolen cookies from the kitchen, aided and abetted Kate in losing all her hair ribbons, ripped his pants wading in the creek and then insisted�at Kate�s suggestion�that an alligator ate them, slid down the banister repeatedly until threatened with the wooden spoon, got himself soaking wet in the rain while dancing with the fairies, teased Kate when she was practicing until I had to put a moratorium on the piano, and greeted Reverend and Mrs. Forbes wearing war paint and feathers. Oh, yes, and then he played whirling dervish and threw up, narrowly missing Royce. And, I might add, he�s had a wonderful time! Do you understand now why he doesn�t want to go home where he has to be a perfect little gentleman because his father won�t let him be a little boy?�
�You�re out of bounds, Mother.�
�Am I? Oh, Jarrod, I�ve watched you become farther and farther removed from the baby boy you once adored. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid he�ll disappoint you like you feel you disappointed your father?�
�I did disappoint him.�
�Only temporarily. He was very proud of what you made of your life and more than satisfied with Nick helping to run the ranch. He never loved you less for choosing a different path in life!�
�You�re sure of that, are you?�
�Yes, I am. But I don�t think he�d be proud of you now. You�ve become obsessed with control�control of your law practice, control of your wife, control of your son! You�re afraid to let go�afraid that if they have any choices, you�ll lose them. Jarrod, I�m telling you plainly�you are losing them!�
�That�s ridiculous!�
�You�ve always been a perfectionist, and perhaps in your work, that�s important. But now you�re trying to be a perfect man with a perfect wife and a perfect son. It�s not going to happen. Trevor both loves and fears you�and I�m very much afraid that the latter emotion is taking over.�
�Mother, you�ve lost sight of. . .�
�Of how to parent? Let�s talk about that. You couldn�t control our decision to take Kate, and after the first night, you withdrew to San Francisco. Oh, you�ve shown her a decent affection, but you�ve resented her, too. You take every opportunity to criticize her. She remarked just the other night that she didn�t think you liked her�and I tend to agree.�
�You know that�s not true, Mother. I love KatieBee.�
�But she�s never been quite good enough, has she?�
�I. . .�
�She�s been dining with our guests since she was four. She never spills, never interrupts, never makes her presence known in any unpleasant way. For an eight-year-old, her manners are exemplary. When she makes a mistake, we don�t correct her publicly. We simply explain in private how to do things better the next time.
�Also, we don�t order her to do something�we ask or suggest, and she can�t comply fast enough because pleasing us is something that she finds satisfying. She is never deliberately disobedient�but she is a child, Jarrod, a joyful, lively child, and her antics, when they can�t be ignored, carry consequences�which she understands and accepts.
�She is our joy�the child we are raising together in the expectation that she will be a lovely, successful young woman. But between childhood and womanhood, we don�t want to lose a single moment of her shining life. We are totally involved with her, and I think that�s part of what you resent. Your father was never totally involved with any of his children. He was too busy building the Barkley Empire and making money. And, he indoctrinated all of you with the idea that I could only be involved in a perfunctory way. Now you see me having a second chance to be the mother I could never be with you�and I believe it rankles you.�
�Mother, you�re wrong.�
Mother sighed. �All right, Jarrod, have it your own way. Raise Trevor however you think right. But as for Kate�Kate belongs to Royce and me. We won�t have as many years with her as you�ll have with Trevor�but they�ll be satisfying years that will leave her with many good memories. I hope you can say the same about Trevor someday.�
Mother almost tripped over me as she swept out of the library. �Oh, Kate! Eavesdropping? You know that isn�t a ladylike thing to do!� Then she saw that I was crying. �Kate, darling, what is it?�
�I love you, Mother,� I wept, clinging to her neck. �I love you and Papa more than anything in the whole world!�
She held me tightly, and I could see�over her shoulder�Jarrod looking at the two of us. He didn�t exactly look mad�but something about his expression frightened me a little.
Finally, Mother unfastened my arms from around her neck and took my hand. �Kate, is there any place you might have forgotten to look for Trevor?�
�I looked in his room and up in the attic and in the barn loft. I called and called, but he didn�t answer.�
�I�m sure you did your best, darling.�
�We made a fort in the sewing room with a table and the old quilt you gave us. I forgot to look there.�
�Well, suppose we look there now.� She started for the stairs.
�I feel sad that Trevor isn�t happy like I am, Mother.�
�The two of you have had a happy time this week.�
�But I�ll be happy next week, too,� I said, fighting back more tears. �And Trevor won�t.�
We found Trevor fast asleep under the table in the sewing room. As he stumbled sleepily downstairs, holding tightly to Mother�s hand, he pleaded to stay on at the ranch. �Please, Grammie! I�ll be good, I promise!�
Mother sat down on the bottom step and put her arms around him. �Trevor, you are good. Never think otherwise.�
�But KatieBee and I. . .�
�Had a wonderful time this week.�
�But. . .�
�Oh, Trevor, how do I explain things to you?�
I snuggled up to her other side. We were still sitting there when Jarrod came out of the library. �Trevor.�
He startled, then jumped to his feet. �Yes, Father.�
�Are you ready to go home?�
�Yes, Father.�
�Then go upstairs and get your things.�
Trevor turned to obey. �I�ll help you,� I said, throwing Jarrod a quick look over my shoulder. He looked back at me, and I thought that this time he looked more sad than angry.
Trevor said all the polite things before he left with his parents, but I noticed that he clung to Papa�s neck just a little longer than usual. Then he was gone. Papa reached for my hand. �You didn�t get your dessert, Kate. It�s butter cream cake.�
�I�m not hungry, Papa.�
�Well, I�d like a piece,� he said. �You�ll keep me company, won�t you?�
�Yes, Papa.�
�I�ll fix a tray, and we�ll take our coffee and dessert to the library,� Mother said. �This will be one of our last really quiet evenings. Audra and the boys will be here in a few days.�
While Papa carried the tray to the library, I hung back just long enough to tell Mr. Silas that I was sorry for stealing the cookies and getting into his paint pot. When he smiled, I knew I was forgiven and hugged him around the waist.
�I suppose I shouldn�t have spoken to Jarrod the way I did,� Mother said as she sipped her coffee.
�You spoke from your heart, Victoria. That�s never wrong.�
I rolled over on the rug so that I could see them. In the lamplight, their white hair looked like the snow on our Nashville lawn on moonlit winter nights. Mother�s words to Jarrod came back to me. We won�t have as many years with Kate as you�ll have with Trevor. . . Hot tears stung my eyes.
Before I could turn my face away, Papa caught sight of my tears. �Why, Kate precious, what�s wrong?�
I shook my head.
�Something, I think. Come and tell Papa.� He held out his arms.
�Kate was listening at the library door while I was speaking with Jarrod,� Mother said, but she didn�t sound angry.
�I�m sorry, Mother,� I choked. �I won�t do it again.�
She looked at me sadly. �I suppose you had to understand sometime.�
Papa cuddled me warmly as I settled into his lap. �Understand what, Victoria my love?�
�I told Jarrod quite bluntly that we won�t have as many years with Kate as he will have with Trevor, and that I hoped they�d be as satisfying as ours are and will be. That is what�s troubling you, isn�t it Kate?�
I buried my face in Papa�s vest as the tears came again.
�Oh, Kate,� Papa said, kissing the top of my head.
�I love you, Papa! I love you and Mother more than anything! I don�t want you to die!�
Papa used his clean handkerchief to wipe my face, but he couldn�t stop the tears that persisted in rolling down my cheeks and dripping off my chin onto his vest.
�Years aren�t promised to us, Kate,� Mother said softly. �So we must live each day as if it were our last�and with no regrets. I think that�s what you should concentrate on now.�
�Your mother is right, Kate precious. We must get up every morning with the intention of enjoying each moment of the day�and of loving each other completely.�
I tried to stop crying, but the great, sad truth that I�d sensed without completely understanding it, weighed me down. My parents weren�t like other girls� parents�or Nick, Heath, Audra, and Gene�or even Jarrod. As my life unfolded, theirs would come to an end. For the rest of the years I had with them, I would put my hand over the face of the clock, knowing that I couldn�t stop time�but denying its passage nonetheless.
Mother brought the ottoman close to Papa�s chair and took my hands between hers. Together they held me until, exhausted by my emotion, I fell asleep.
From the journal of Dr. Katherine Barkley Wardell:
Mother�s words to Jarrod had the desired effect. By the next summer, there was a difference in Trevor�s relationship with his father, and Sarah seemed happier, too. The next year, when Trevor was nine, Sophia was born. The transformation of the family seemed complete.
In later years, Mother reflected that she�d always known Jarrod was more overshadowed by Tom Barkley�s memory than any of the others. As the oldest, the hopes and dreams of his father had been centered in him. When he couldn�t fulfill them, guilt inevitably crept in. Mother said that Jarrod was punishing himself unnecessarily�and through Trevor.
My own relationship with Jarrod, while never the same as with Nick, Heath, Gene, and Audra, flourished in later years. He admitted to me, when I was an adult, that he had resented my coming�at first because Mother and Papa had disregarded his advice�but more because he saw me receiving from Papa what he had never gotten from his own father�unconditional love with no strings attached. I was free to be myself in a way that he had never been.
Yet Trevor said, when his father died, that there was no man he ever admired more. Speaking for the family at Jarrod�s funeral, he said that being �Jarrod Barkley�s boy��despite the fact that he was now a judge on the state supreme court�was the highest accolade he could ever want. After the service, when he introduced me to someone as �Jarrod Barkley�s youngest sister,� I, too, felt very proud.
THE END