Chapters 4 and 5
Katherine rose and crossed the office to stand before a family portrait identical to the one hanging in the library at the ranch. She studied her mother�s elegant bearing and serene countenance and the way her father held her tenderly against his broad chest and felt their strength and love flowing out to her.
�I want to know�I need to know everything you can tell me about the circumstances of my birth.�
�Why, honey? Why now?
�I�m asking the questions, counselor,� she replied with an unaccustomed sharpness in her voice.
�I don�t know much.�
She knew instinctively that he was trying, for whatever reason, to avoid the discussion. �Then tell me what you do know.�
He walked to a file cabinet and opened a drawer, producing a thin folder which he laid on his desk. �It�s all there, KatieBee.�
She didn�t move. �I want to hear it from you, Jarrod. I came to you�not Nick or Heath or Gene�for very good reasons.�
He sat down again. �One of Donnell Houghten�s boys was chasing strays on Christmas Eve afternoon and thought he heard a baby crying. When he went into the line shack, he found you lying on the bed with your mother.�
�Victoria Barkley Wardell was my mother.� Her voice was flat.
�He snatched you up and put you inside his coat and rode as fast as he could to Dr. Merar. Then he took a pack horse and went back for. . .for the girl. Fred Madden told me the boy broke down when he told the story. Seems he had an older sister who�d just given birth to a baby girl in Sacramento, and he said he kept seeing her face all the way to town.�
�Does he still work for Mr. Houghten?�
�No, and I have no idea where he went.�
�Go on with the rest of the story.�
�Fred got somebody from the newspaper to make a sketch of the girl and print up enough copies to send around to all the towns within a fifty-mile radius. The lady who kept the saloon over in Ash Flat wrote him that her name was Annie, that she�d come in on the stage less than a year before, then disappeared sometime around the first of December.�
�She�d been living in the line shack all that time?�
�I would assume so. I went up there myself, but there wasn�t anything that could identify her any further�a few clothes, some food�no pictures or letters or anything like that.�
�Did anyone try to trace her before she came to Ash Flat?�
�It would�ve been like looking for a needle in a haystack.�
�Well, at least one other person knew of me�or at least the possibility that I might exist.�
�Not necessarily. Cowboys still come to town after roundup or on a Saturday night looking for a good time. They get liquored up, and, well�well, they don�t always remember on Sunday what. . .�
�She was a saloon girl then,� Katherine interrupted.
�A girl making a living the only way she knew how. Don�t judge her, honey. You have a fine education and an outstanding career in front of you�but you had the opportunity. She didn�t.�
�We always celebrated my birthday on the twenty-third. Was that because of what Dr. Merar said?�
�He felt you weren�t over two days old.�
�How did she�the girl�die?�
�She hemorrhaged�but she managed to take care of you first. The cord was tied, and you were wrapped in a blanket. She was buried decently.�
�In a pauper�s grave.�
�I said she was buried decently, KatieBee. Mother asked me to see to that even before she and Royce discussed adopting you. She said it was the least somebody could do. Audra donated a dress�a nice one. She wasn�t just wrapped up and put in a pine box.�
�She�s in the cemetery?�
�Yes with a marker�her first name and the date. That�s all we knew.�
�How do I find it?�
�I�m not sure I remember, but the caretaker can show you. He knows the place like the back of his hand.�
She turned and picked up the folder from the desk. �I�ll take this if you don�t mind. I�m going to ride over to Ash Flat, so I might be late for dinner.�
Jarrod shook his head. �If you�re determined to go�and I can see that you are�I�ll have Trevor take you in the automobile.�
Katherine considered her oldest nephew who was just two years her junior. They�d been the best of pals when they were growing up. Summers and Christmases at the ranch, visits to Nashville, vacations on the coast�they�d shared many good times. He�d graduated from law school and come back here to practice with his father. Still, she hesitated. Would he understand any better than Jarrod?
Jarrod took advantage of her hesitation. �Let me put it this way, KatieBee�you�re a grown woman, and I can�t stop you from going, but I�d consider it a personal favor if you�d relieve my mind by letting Trevor go along.�
�When you put it that way, all right.�
�I don�t understand why you want to do this.�
�You never can, Jarrod. You have a birthright.�
�And you don�t?�
�It�s not the same.�
�What do you think your parents would say about all this?�
�They�d tell me it was all right.�
�You�re sure about that?�
She turned back to look at the picture. �I�m very sure, Jarrod. I�m not looking for another family�only information. They were my parents, and I loved them more than words can express. I know who I am, but I need to know where I came from. Oddly enough, I feel I owe it to that poor girl�to Annie.�
Jarrod put his arms around her. �You�re one in a million, KatieBee.�
* * * * * * * *
Trevor didn�t talk about the purpose of the trip as they drove, but as they got closer to Ash Flat, he slowed and cleared his throat. �You really want to do this, KatieBee?�
�I wouldn�t be here if I didn�t. You can�t understand, Trevor! You . . .�
�Whoa, ladybug! What�s this �you� bit? It was always �us� before.�
�I�m sorry.�
�Look, I�ll help you any way I can, but. . .�
�But you don�t understand.�
�I didn�t say that.�
�Well, do you?�
�In a way, I do. I think I�d want to know my origins the same as you. I just don�t know how far I�d go to find out.�
�I don�t know either.� She pointed to the sheriff�s office. �Stop over there.�
The sheriff was an older man, a fountain of information about the days when Ash Flat was somewhat less that respectable. �Hallie Bett,� he said when Katherine asked about the saloon. �Started out as a bar girl and ended up owning the place.�
�Does she still own it?�
�Nah, sold it years ago. Closed down now. But she�s still around. Lives over at the hotel�got religion in her old age.� He raised his eyebrows expressively. �Downright respectable these days�anyway, she thinks so!�
�Thank you,� Katherine said, turning to go.
�What you want with Hallie Bett, girl?�
Trevor saw her jaw tighten and took her arm. �Thanks for you help,� he said and shoved Katherine gently through the door.
* * * * * * * *
Hallie Bett admitted the young people to her room as if she were welcoming royalty. It was hard to tell how old she was, but her surroundings were reminiscent of a much earlier time. She offered them tea from a pot whistling on a gas ring in the corner and brought out a tin of cookies from the shelf above it. Then she seated herself, spreading a white linen napkin over her neat black skirt. �Now,� she said cheerfully, �what can I do for you folks?�
�I�m looking for information about a girl who worked at your saloon twenty-eight years ago,� Katherine said bluntly.
�Lots of girls worked for me over the years. Does she have a name?�
�Annie.�
�Just Annie?�
�That�s all I know.�
�Why are you interested in her?�
�She was my. . .she gave birth to me.�
�I see.� Hallie sipped her tea in silence. �I take it she didn�t raise you.�
�She died shortly after I was born.�
�So you never knew her.�
�No.�
�What happened to you after she died?�
�I was adopted.�
�Did it turn out well?�
Katherine nodded. �I was very fortunate.�
Trevor cleared his throat. �Miss Bett, we�ve forgotten our manners. I�m Trevor Barkley, and this is Dr. Katherine Barkley Wardell.�
�Barkley. The Stockton Barkleys?�
�That�s right.� Trevor fingered the rim of his cup. �My father is Jarrod Barkley.�
�Judge Barkley.�
�He was until he had a stroke awhile back.�
Hallie turned to Katherine. �So he�s your�uncle?�
She shook her head. �My brother.�
�You�re pretty young to have a brother as old as I know Jarrod Barkley must be by now. I figure he�s close to my age.�
�When Victoria Barkley remarried, she and her husband adopted me from the orphanage in Stockton.�
�Are your parents living?�
�Mother died fourteen months ago. I came back to Stockton three days ago to bury Papa.�
�I�m sorry for you. I lost both my parents when I was fifteen. That�s when I started working in a saloon�I didn�t know anything else to do to keep from starving. I expect the woman who gave birth to you went to work for me for the same reasons.�
Katherine nodded.
�Annie, you say, and about twenty-eight years ago.� She put aside her cup and went to a trunk covered with a scarf. �I been sitting here thinking as you talked�maybe this will help.� She rummaged for a few minutes, then stood up holding a piece of paper in her hand. �Years ago a deputy came by the saloon and asked if I knew this girl.� She held out the paper. �This is Annie.�
As Katherine grasped the paper, she stared into a face remarkably like her own and felt as if she were choking. Trevor, looking over her shoulder, gasped.
Hallie sat down again. �I told the man all I knew�just her name. She called herself Annie�and she�d spent all she had on the stage to Ash Flat. I gave her something to eat, a bed, and a job.�
�How�how old was she?� Katherine asked, unable to take her eyes off the picture.
Hallie shrugged. �Fourteen or fifteen, I guess.�
�You said she came in on the stage. Where did she come from?�
�She didn�t say, but I remember it was the afternoon stage from up north.�
�And you don�t know anything else about her?� Trevor persisted.
�She was shy�couldn�t drink. Made her sick. I made sure the bartender always brought her a sarsaparilla when some cowboy bought her a drink.�
Trevor shifted uncomfortably in his chair. �Was there ever�anyone�you know�special?�
Hallie chuckled. �Nope. She was still a little girl, Mr. Barkley. She should�ve been home tending the younger ones, going to school, thinking about church socials and. . .�
�Then how�how did she come to be. . .� Trevor swallowed nervously.
�Pregnant,� Katherine said, trying not to laugh at his discomfiture.
�Only happens one way,� Hallie said. �She wouldn�t talk to me, but I knew. Crawled up inside herself worse than ever. Sick a lot. Thought she was hiding her belly under a shawl, but I wasn�t fooled.�
�And then she just disappeared?�
�Late November, first of December, I recall. Never heard anything of her again until the deputy came around with the picture.�
�That was the end of it then?� Trevor asked.
�No. Sometime in January, a fellow came into the saloon asking for her. I�d seen him around before�oh, in the late summer, I guess. He used to sit at a back table with Annie�sit there all evening just talking to her. She always seemed happier after he�d been there. I figured maybe he was the one. Anyway, he didn�t come around anymore after awhile, and then she left. But he came back in January and asked where she was. When I told him she�d gone, he seemed pretty upset. I didn�t�tell him about her. Didn�t seem much point in it.�
�Did he tell you his name?� Katherine asked.
�I wrote it down after he left. And the name of the place he said she could find him if she came back. It�s on the back of the picture.�
�But you knew by then that she wasn�t coming back�that she was dead,� Katherine murmured.
Hallie nodded. �I�ve wondered if I did the right thing, but it seemed like it at the time. Seemed like he cared about her, and if he knew he�d been the reason why she died�maybe I was wrong. I don�t know.�
�May I keep the picture?� Katherine asked.
�Sure. What are you going to do now?�
�I don�t know. Think about everything you�ve said, I suppose, and then decide. Thank you, Miss Bett.�
Hallie nodded. �I�m glad things turned out for you�glad some good came of things anyway.�
Katherine and Trevor went back to the automobile parked in front of the hotel. �Now what?� he asked.
�I�m going to find out where she came from.�
�How are you going to do that?�
�I�ll start with the next town north and go from there.�
Trevor shook his head. �Not today, you won�t. Get in.�
Chapter 5
Saying she wasn�t hungry, Katherine asked to be excused from supper and went upstairs to her room. She placed the picture Hallie Bett had given her on the table and studied it closely. Annie. The girl who had carried her in her body. A child herself.
Katherine touched the curve of the girl�s cheek. What had it been like for her, alone in that isolated place and in pain? Had she had younger brothers and sisters and learned something about delivering babies�tying the cord and swaddling the newborn? Had she realized she was dying and felt afraid? Or had she just simply closed her eyes and never waked up?
Mother hadn�t been alone�or afraid either. She and Papa had been with her every second when they realized that the end was imminent. They�d held her hands and talked to her, and she�d talked back to them with her eyes until she�d slipped into a coma. And still they stayed with her, right to the last breath. She�d gone so quietly�looked so peaceful. It had been hard, but it would have been harder not to be there.
She�d been with Papa, too, the night he died. When he�d fallen asleep, she�d allowed herself to close her eyes�and when she opened them again, he was gone. She reflected how like Papa that was�self-effacing, never asking for anything other than to be loved. Even in death he�d asked for nothing but to be allowed to slip away without disturbing anyone.
Katherine�s throat ached, and she shook her head to clear away the poignant memories. Opening the folder she�d picked up from Jarrod�s desk, she began to read. �Female infant born on or about December 23, 1880. Mother deceased (childbirth). Father unknown. Declared a ward of the Stockton County Court. Petition for adoption filed January 7, 1880, by Jarrod T. Barkley, attorney at law. Petitioners: Royce Edward Wardell and Victoria Barkley Wardell of New Orleans, Louisiana. Custody granted to petitioners pending investigation of possible relatives.�
She turned the page. �Adoption of female child granted to petitioners on March 1, 1880. No relatives found.�
The third and final page was a copy of her birth certificate�unusual for that time in the sense that it listed her as a natural child born to her parents. How had Jarrod managed that? She knew only too well how the word �illegitimate� was so heedlessly written and could follow a child all of his life. Once, when she was in medical school, she�d refused to fill out that part of a birth certificate for a baby born in the charity ward where she was interning in obstetrics. The supervising physician had railed at her for being a foolish, sentimental girl who had no business thinking she had a place in a man�s world of medicine. She�d simply pushed the paper across the desk toward him and walked away�and he�d never spoken to her about the matter again.
Three pages and a picture�her entire history. All of her brothers, even Heath, had stories about their births: Jarrod on the dirt floor of a dugout, Nick during a hailstorm with stones crashing through the window, Gene�the first to be born in this house, upstairs in his parents� bedroom�and Heath, in humbler circumstances but welcomed just the same. Audra�s was the best story of all�she�d been in quite a hurry and had arrived in the buggy after a picnic before Tom Barkley could get Mother to town.
Each of them had been greeted by loving arms and with a particular joy that made the pain only a memory. But she had slipped into the world unnoticed�and unwanted, in fear and shame. Thinking of it, she ached�not for herself�but for Annie.
* * * * * * * *
She flipped open her watch and estimated that the family would be going to the library as they usually did after supper. It was time for her to join them now�time to tell them everything.
�Well, well, princess, come down out of your ivory tower to join us?� Nick teased her as she entered.
�Yes, and I will have a glass of sherry, thank you for offering.�
He grinned and poured a glass for her.
�Is Heath coming over tonight for billiards perhaps?� She accepted the sherry and settled into a chair.
Nick glanced at the door. �Speak of the devil. . .�
Heath took the glass of sherry Nick was holding. �Thank you, big brother.�
Nick scowled. �Never learned to pour his own!�
�I have something to discuss with you,� Katherine said, feeling her courage ebbing away. �Jarrod knows, and I�m sure he�s told Gene.� A cold knot formed in the pit of her stomach.
�The princess wants to speak to her royal subjects,� Nick said lightly. He threw himself into a chair and draped one leg over the arm.
Audra sat down by Katherine. �Don�t pay any attention to him, KatieBee.�
�Do I ever?� Katherine tossed back, playing for time.
Nick scowled again, and Heath chuckled as he sipped his sherry.
She took a deep breath. �Actually, it�s not necessarily something that�s up for discussion. I�ve made a decision, but I feel that you should know about it.�
Audra smoothed her sister�s hair back from her face with a practiced hand. �What is it, dear? You seem so serious.�
�I�m very serious�and I�m in no mood for anyone to make jokes�or argue with me.�
Nick�s eyes grew wary. His little sister had changed over the past few years, and while he was proud of the woman she�d become, he wasn�t sure he liked the fact that she was quite so opinionated and independent. More and more she reminded him of Audra�and they both reminded him of Mother.
�Based on the information Jarrod gave me this morning, I went to Ash Flat and spoke with the woman who ran the saloon there when I was born. You may already know that the girl who gave birth to me worked there. Her name was Annie. The sketch that was circulated in the search for her identity looks very much like me.� She produced the paper from behind her skirt and passed it to Audra.
Audra�s eyes widened. �Oh, my. . .�
�Let me see that!� Nick jumped up and took possession of the paper. His jaw tightened, and he handed it on to Heath without comment.
�Hallie Bett�the woman I spoke with�said she came in on the stage from up north. I plan to take the railroad line as far as it goes in that direction and work my way back. Hopefully someone will recognize the picture.�
Nick�s face flushed angrily, but with effort he swallowed the angry words rising in his throat.
Katherine looked at him almost pleadingly. �Nick, I�m a grown woman and a practicing physician. I don�t need your permission�only your support.�
He stalked across the room and refilled his glass.
�Why do you want to do this, honey?� Heath asked.
�Maybe for myself�a little�and maybe for her. For Annie. I�m here because of her.�
Heath nodded. �I can�t say that I understand completely, but you know I�ll support you.�
�I will, too, KatieBee. You know that.� Audra kissed her cheek softly.
�Thank you, Heath. . .Audra.� She looked at Nick still standing with his back to her. �Nick?�
He whirled angrily, the liquid in his glass spilling over the edge. �Like hell, I will! You know who you are! Doesn�t matter where you came from�you were raised a Barkley, and you�ll live and die a Barkley!�
�And a Wardell,� Heath murmured.
Hot tears stung Katherine�s eyes, and her mouth quivered like a hurt child.
�Nick, how could you?� Audra snapped at him.
Katherine half rose. Never in her life had anyone in her family raised a voice or a hand to her. Tears spilled down her cheeks. She was angry with herself for reacting so childishly, but she was wounded. Mother had always corrected her so matter-of-factly, even when she was due much sterner measures, and Papa�Papa left the correcting to Mother entirely. He hadn�t even raised an eyebrow the day she tried to be helpful and washed out all of his pipes in warm soapy water, leaving them completely ruined.
She�d cried heartbrokenly when she realized what she�d done, but Papa had taken her on his lap and comforted her by saying her how pleased he was that she wanted to do something for him. Mother, tucking her into bed later, observed casually that not all things needed to be cleaned with soap and water and suggested that she ask first before washing anything else. Then the next morning they�d gone to town and bought Papa a new pipe.
�Nick was always yelling at me,� Audra said hurriedly, reading her younger sister�s thoughts in her shocked expression. �Always threatening to warm my britches or. . .�
Katherine berated herself for her ridiculous tears, but she couldn�t stop them. Nick had raised his voice to her�even used profanity�it would have hurt less if he�d struck her. She drew her handkerchief from her pocket and pressed it to her trembling lips.
�Aw, now, honey, I didn�t mean it!� Nick�s face was stricken. He put his arms around her and held her head against his chest. �I�m sorry, KatieBee! I�m really sorry!�
She sniffed. �You never hurt my feelings before,� she choked.
�Aw, honey. . .�
She lifted wet eyes to his face. �You�you yelled at me!�
He patted her awkwardly. �Aw, honey. . .�
�We don�t have to understand to support you, KatieBee,� Heath said. �And you know we do�always have, always will. But if you�re not fixing to run off tomorrow, maybe we could talk about it�your trip, I mean.�
�Well. . .� she said slowly.
�That�s right,� Nick said. �We�ll talk about it, honey. In the first place, you don�t need to go traipsing off by your self and. . .�
�Nick,� Heath said warningly.
�I mean, it�s going to take some planning! Maybe one of us could go with you. We need to think this thing through before you do anything.�
Katherine struggled with her emotions. She�d never given way like this, not as an adult anyway. Now she�d behaved like a spoiled child and for no other reason than Nick had opposed her and�the tears came back at the memory of his angry voice. Or was she crying because she was alone, because she couldn�t run to Mother or Papa with any trouble ever again?
Audra took her from Nick. �You�re tired and overwrought,� she said gently. �You�ve had too much to deal with for over a year, and now you�re wanting to take on more. But right now you�re going to bed.�
As they left the library, Katherine heard Heath say, �Nick, despite how she started out, she�s never known what it meant to be an orphan child until now. She�s hurting.�
�I know, I know! But what good is it going to do her to. . .� His words were lost as Audra urged her toward the stairs.
* * * * * * * *
Katherine broke down completely as Audra tucked her into bed. Audra looked so much like Mother�she�d always envied her older sister that resemblance. Mother was so lovely, so elegant!
�I don�t know what�s the matter with me,� Katherine sobbed.
Audra kissed her forehead. �You�ve just buried your last parent, sweetheart. We all mourned Mother, but we�re older. We had her longer. And even though we�ll all miss Royce, you�ll miss him more.�
�They loved me totally! No one will ever love me like that again!�
�Not as a parent,� Audra said softly, �but as a woman. You have so much life in front of you, KatieBee�so much happiness yet to come.�
�But they won�t be here to share it with me!�
�Oh, I think they will. I think they�ll always be with you in a way.�
�Do you think I�m wrong to want more information on Annie?�
�Not unless you�re trying to replace something�or someone�you�ve lost.�
�No one could replace Mother and Papa. It�s not like that, Audra. But I have to know�I just have to!�
�What exactly do you want to know?�
�Where she came from�why she was working in a saloon�and how I�how I got started.�
Audra sat down on the bed and took her little sister in her arms. �You were the most beautiful baby! Royce couldn�t take his eyes off of you, and when Mother asked if he wanted to hold you, he backed off like a skittish mare! I finally got him to sit down in the rocking chair, and then Mother and I left him alone with you. I wasn�t sure that was a good idea�but we kept an eye on him through the door. I think I was the only one of the family who wasn�t all that surprised when Mother announced that they were going to adopt you.�
�I guess Nick paced and ranted.�
�Oddly enough, no he didn�t. He hadn�t approved of Mother marrying Royce, and things hadn�t been very pleasant for awhile that Christmas�but they�d called a truce anyway. So he didn�t have anything to say about it, at least not for awhile. It took all of five minutes after they brought you home for Nick to fall completely under your spell.�
�Mother said they were really too old to be starting over, but she felt that Papa deserved a chance to be a father.�
�He did, KatieBee, and oh, how he adored you!�
�Mother had her hands full�keeping me on the straight and narrow when Papa would have given me anything I asked for and thought I could do no wrong.�
�She relished every moment of it. I remember when you were about two�we were all here at the ranch for the summer�you would persist in turning somersaults in the upstairs hall, and you�d come so close to tumbling downstairs headfirst. One morning Mother retrieved you for something like the dozenth time, and I can still see her standing there holding you and trying to explain to you why you couldn�t get close to the stairs. She looked at me and said, �Audra, I am too old for this!�
Katherine actually wiggled with anticipation of a story she hadn�t heard.
�And then you put those fat little arms around her neck and laid your head on her shoulder and said, �Kate loves Murr.� You couldn�t quite say �Mother� yet. And when you said that, she just melted. I could see it so plainly.�
�I don�t know many fifty-plus-year-old women who�d take on an infant after raising four of her own.�
�Well, you know, I think she enjoyed you in a different way than she�d enjoyed us. She�d seen us turn out all right despite everything, so she knew you would, too. She�d been through all the childhood illnesses, scrapes and bruises, broken bones, and devilish escapades�and survived them right along with us. It was almost like reading a book she�d read before and knowing how it came out. Or like frosting a cake�the baking is the hard part, but the frosting is fun.�
�And I was the frosting?�
�Of course. Oh, KatieBee, darling, I know it�s so hard for you to give up being their daughter, but that�s just part of life! It�s like one chapter ending in your life and another one beginning, don�t you see? I�m not telling you that it�s wrong to grieve�you have to do that�but don�t try to get back what you�ve lost. You can�t do it.�
�Do you think that�s what I�m doing?�
�I don�t know. Are you?�
�I�m not trying to find a family to replace Mother and Papa�not when I have all of you. It�s more like trying to find the part of me that�s lost�and then I can close the chapter and go on.�
�Well, right now, you�re going to sleep. We�ll talk about all this tomorrow evening.�
�I thought you were packing to leave.�
�I was, but I think perhaps I need to stay on awhile. Don and the boys can go back to Santa Barbara�they can look after themselves for awhile.�
�Audra. . .�
Audra smiled. �Don�t argue with me�I�m older.�
Katherine�s eyes were heavy. �And wiser,� she murmured. �Thank you, Audra. I love you.�
�Sleep tight, darling. Everything will work out.� She turned out the lamp and left the room.
In the darkness Katherine tried to think about the day�s events, but she couldn�t concentrate. Tomorrow�tomorrow she�d let Nick and Heath and Jarrod and Gene say whatever they wanted�advise her�tell her what they thought�and, hopefully, pet her as they�d done since she was small. She loved them, and, yes, she needed them�at least their support. But no matter what, she was going ahead. The need to know was too strong to be locked away and forgotten.
She drew the covers around her, remembering how as a small child she�d sought refuge from bad dreams in her parents� bed. They would tuck her between them, and she�d fall asleep immediately, secure in the warmth of their bodies and their love. Audra was right�she had to turn the page and begin a new chapter, but for tonight�for tonight she wanted to read the finished pages one more time.