Jokes
That's Incredible
Fellow 1 :
"Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that
25th wedding anniversary
It was the couple's 25th wedding anniversary.
The wife came in - and found her husband having an extremely emotional moment -
even to the point of tears. Since he had never been one to express emotion she
said 'Honey - I can't believe that you are so touched about our anniversary. You
must really love me'. He replied, sobbing 'Look - before you get the wrong idea
- let me explain. Do you remember that nighht when your father caught us down in
the barn?
He said 'Either you marry my daughter - or you will spend the next 25 years in
jail.' DO YOU REALIZE THAT TONIGHT - I COULD BE A FREE
MAN?
Hello, I am very honey
Woman had a female parrot. Parrot kept saying, 'Hello, I am
very horney. Do you want to have some fun?'
Woman was frantic. Went to pastor to find a solution to the problem.
Pastor said, 'Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the
bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her.'
Woman brought the parrot and put her into the cage. She squawked, 'Hello, I am
very horny. Do you want to have some fun?'
One male parrot looked at the other one and said, 'Put away the Bible, Fred, our
prayers have been answered.'
Getting in to Heaven
A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a
vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God
told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into
heaven. God left and a man comes floating up and says "Please let me in
to heaven." The other man says, "I have to give you a test first"
The man coming into heaven says, "Oh jeez I'm not to good at tests!" The
other man says "Spell LOVE" he man says "OK, L-O-V-E" Then he was
let in to heaven. Then a woman came floating up and said "Please let me
into heaven" The man said"Only if you pass this test" The woman said "Oh
no, I'm not very good at tests" The man said "Your
test is to spell LOVE" The woman said "Oh OK, L-O-V-E" Then she was
let in to heaven. The next person that came floating up was the man's
wife. She said "Oh honey let me in to heaven" The man said "I have to
give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven" She said "OK,
make it an easy one!!!" Then the man said "Spell Czechoslovakia"
Check Mail...
A blonde goes out to her mailbox, looks in, closes the door
and goes back into her house.
A few minutes later she comes out, goes to her mailbox,
looks in, closes the door and goes back into her house.
She repeats this process several times before a neighbor
who has been witnessing this series of events says to her;
"You must be expecting a very important letter or package today."
The blonde answers; "No, I'm working on my computer and it
keeps telling me that I have mail."
OO Chori pukri gai!!
Salma came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his
morning tea and slapped him on the back of the head. "I
found a piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name
'Zarina' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better
have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when
I was at the horse track? That was the name of the horse I bet on."
The next morning, she snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your horse called last night."
A Good News & A Bad News
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to
have dinner
with God. During dinner He told the three mortals:
"I invited you here because I need three important people to send my
message out to all people - Tomorrow I will destroy the earth"
After dinner, Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them:
"I have two very bad news items for you:
i. God really exists, and
ii. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told
them: "I have Good news and Bad News:
i. The good news is: God really does exist.
ii. The bad news is: tomorrow He's destroying the earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced: "I have two
fantastic announcements:
i. I am one of the three most important people on earth.
ii. The Year 2000 problem is solved."
Watch Out For The Wall
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just
passed away. At
the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when
they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for
ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church
and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,
"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"
I will give anything
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his
fiftieth
birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to
his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool
with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of
mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there
is
a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what
has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come
out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going
and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets
out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of his word,
anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything,
for you are the bravest man I have ever
seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of
the idiot that pushed me in!'
Lawyer & Engineers
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a
conference. At
the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the
three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all
three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly
after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens
just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and
save some money. When
they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To
their astonishment,
the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
three engineers
cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of
the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the
lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."... :)
HEAVEN
IS WHEN YOU HAVE
AN AMERICAN SALARY
A BRITISH HOME
CHINESE FOOD
AN INDIAN WIFE
HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE :
AN AMERICAN WIFE
BRITISH FOOD
CHINESE HOME
AN INDIAN SALARY
Phone
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented
beautiful
office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into
the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up
the phone and started to pretend he had big deal working. He threw huge
figures around and ade giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the
visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone
lines."
How do you know?
Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif goes to Washington for a meeting
with
Bill Clinton. After dinner, Bill says to Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif:
"Well Sharif , I don't know what you think of the members of your
Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Sharif
"Oh well, it's simple", says Bill. "They all have to take special
tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second". He calls
Madeleine Albright over and says to her "Tell me Madeleine, who is
the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother
and is not your sister?"
"Ah, that's simple Mr. President", says Madeleine, "it is me!"
"Well done Madeleine", says Clinton and our Sharif is very
impressed.
He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence
of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Sartaj Aziz and says:
"Sartaj Aziz , tell me, who is the child of your father and of your
mother who is not your brother and is not your sister? "
Sartaj Aziz thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I
think about it a bit further Mr. Prime Minister ? May I let you
know tomorrow? "
"Of course", says Sharif, "you've got 24 hours."
Sartaj Aziz goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet
Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows
the answer. Twenty hours later, Satrap Asia is very worried - still
no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Satrap Asia says "I'll
ask George Fernandez, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls
Fernandez.
"George ", he says, "tell me who is the child of your father
and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Very simple", says George, "it's me!"
"Of course" says Satrap Aziz and rings Sharif.
"Mr. Prime Minister ", says Sartaj Aziz , "I've got the answer: it's
George
Fernandez".
"No, you idiot", says Sharif, "it's Madeleine Albright".
Sardar Jee
One Sardar Jee Went to the television shop and tell that
Sardar :do u have colour t.v
Shopman : yes
Sardar : Give me one Green colour
One day a sardarji was sitting in his office on The
thirteenth floor building when a man came running in to
his office and shouted "Santa singh your daughter Preeto just died in an
accident" Sardarji was in panic. Not
knowing what to do he jumped from his office window. While coming down when he
was near the tenth
floor he remembered he didn't have floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter
named Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor
he remembered he was not married.When he was about to hit the ground he
remembered he was not Santa Singh.
************* ************* ************* ************* *************
A sardar walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I bor-rowed a
book last week, but it was the
most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far
too many characters!" The
librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
************* ************* ************* *************
A sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead.
Suddenly, the bird
dropped a load when it was directly over him. The Sardar says, "Good thing that
cows don't fly."
************* ************* ************* *************
A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says "
Hello, how did you know I was here?"
************* ************* ************* ************* *************
How many sardars does it take to pull off a kidnapping? Six. One to kidnap the
victim and five to write the ransom note.
************* ************* ************* ************* *************
Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world? Because even under torture
they can't remember what they have been assigned to.
************* ************* ************* ************* *************
Did you hear about the sardar who signed all his checks so no one else could use
them if he lost his
checkbook?
************* ************* ************* *************
Did you hear about the sardar who asked his friends to give him all their burnt
out light bulbs? He just
bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.
************* ************* ************* *************
Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day. "Why", his friend Santa
Singh asked him, "are you wearing two jackets?"."Because," said Banta Singh,"The
directions on the can said to put on two coats. "
************* ************* ************* *************
A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a
highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the
following day less than a mile.then the foreman asked the
sardar why he kept painting less each day,he replied "I just can't do any
better. Each day I keep getting
farther away from the paint can. "
************* ************* ************* *************
Why do sardars have see-through lunch box lids? So that when they're on the
train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
************* ************* ************* *************
A sardar's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think-I
'm sardar! "
************* ************* ************* *************
Sardarji ( to doctor ) : 'Doctor, I have a problem.'
Doctor : 'What's your problem?'
Sardarji : 'I keep forgetting things.'
Doctor : 'Since when do you have this problem?'
Sardarji : 'What problem?'
************* ************* ************* *************
Why couldn't the sardar write the number "eleven"?
He didn't know which "one" (1) came first...
************* ************* ************* *************
Why does a sardar only change his baby's diapers once a month?
Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."
************* ************* ************* *************
One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in UK. A lady came and asked him, "Are
you relaxing" Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy came and asked
the same Question. Sardar answered "No No Me Banta Singh." Third one came and
asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his
place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked
him " Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I
am relaxing. The Sardar slapped him on his face and said "Idiot, Sab tere Ko
wahahn dhoond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai." (Translation ... Idiot
everyone is looking for you and you are relaxing here!!!!!)
************* ************* ************* *************
Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking
God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you
thanking God for ?" The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it
that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been
missing too."
************* ************* ************* *************
So this sardarji is walking the other day and comes across a banana peel on the
road. Can you guess what he might be thinking??
"Saala today again I will have to fall......"
************* ************* ************* *************
One great day in Bombay, a couple were on a honeymoon tour. They saw one
sardarji in front of a hospital (Breach Candy) was trying to fill some form. So
the couple enquired eagerly " Sardarji what are you doing ?" Sardarji replied
that I had a baby and I filling the birth certificate form. The couple as per
schedule, took the Bombay to Delhi for their next destination. On the next day,
they find the Sardarji in Delhi filling the same form. So once again young
couple asked" Sardarji what are you doing ?" Once again replied that I had a
baby and I filling the birth certificate form. The couple said but sardarji
yesterday you were in Bombay filling the same form, how come you're in Delhi?
Sardarji coolly replied "The form says FILL IN CAPITAL.'
************* ************* ************* *************
Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very depressed. "What happened
?" asked Surjit. "Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . " "How come ?"
"Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was being shown
live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet." "But thats
only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?" " Yaar, I bet on the highlights too "
************* ************* ************* *************
An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie
detector. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is
silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the
lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent. The Sardarji
says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
************* ************* ************* *************
A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what
happened to his ears and he answered, " I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang
- but instead of picking up the phone I acccidentally picked up the iron an stuck
to my ear." "Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. .. what
happened to the other ear?" "The man called back again."
************* ************* ************* *************
There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars
in the mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is
on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone
is celebrating as if its marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa sing, "Singh
saab, how come you are celebrating?"..... comes the reply :
Its the first time that a sardar has died of "brain" tumour !!"
************* ************* ************* *************
Once a cruise ship
carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when
it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.
Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers,
"Friends, we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. We need to
give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of
us can be saved."
All of them moved towards the Deck where a Japanese came forward and shouted
"Long live Japan" and jumped into the sea.
Then a Israeli Jew stepped forward said "Hallelujah" and dived into the sea.
After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other
and suddenly out of nowhere a Pathan came forward near the railing and chanted,
"Allah-u-Akbar"
And Kicked the Indian standing next to him in the sea.
Mix Jokes
GIRL : Say you love me! Say
you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the
happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest
couple..
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.
Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in
both ears and comes out of the mouth.
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.
What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're PRETTY UGLY!
Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I
gave them last week.
Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?
A British, American and a Pakistan ministers died and went
all to hell
The british said: I miss England, I wanna call
England and see how
everybody is doing there.... he called and talked for about 5
minutes... then he said: well, devil how much do I owe you??? The
devil goes: five million dollars... five million dollars!!! he made
him a check and went to sit back on his chair....
The american was soo jealous, he starts screaming,
me too I wanna
call the United States, I wanna see how everybody is doing too...
he called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he said: well, devil
how much do I owe you???? The devil goes: ten million dollars...
ten million dollars!!!!!! He made him a check and went to sit back
on his chair...
The Pakistan was extremely soooo jealous too... he
starts screaming
and screaming, I wanna call India too, I wanna see how everybody is
doing there too, I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputies, I
wanna talk to everybody... he called India and he talked for about
twenty hours, he was talking and talking and talking... then he
said: well, devil how much do I owe you???? The devil goes: one
dollar... only one dollar?!!!!! The devil goes: yes, well, from
hell to hell, it's local call!!
Once there was an examination held on the a university a sardar jee was sitting in the examination hall. When the question papers were distributed sardar jee suddenly stood up and started undressing himself. The examiner asked
Examiner:- Sardar jee Tusi ki ker rahe ho Sardar Jee:- Is mein likha haai ke Answer the questions briefly
Once a man was too proud of his english. A person asked him to translate a sentence into english : Khaton ko Parha gaya aur agay bheja gaya. He replied Mails were red and Pushed.
1.
American scientists dug 50 metres under the ground and discovered small pieces
of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time America announced that
the ancient Americans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network... Naturally the government of India was not that easily impressed. They
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found
small pieces of Glass and they soon announced that the ancient Indians 35,000
years ago already had a nationwide fibrenet...
Pakistani scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres
underground but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient
Pakistanis 55,000 years ago had Wireless (cellular) telephones
.A businessman walked into a New York City bank
and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for
two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer said the bank would need such security for such a loan. The
businessman then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked outside
the street just in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan
officer accepted the loan officer accepted the cat as collateral for the loan.
An employee then drove the car into the bank's unerground garage and parked it
there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest
which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled.
While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What
puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The businessman replied: 'Where else in New York city can i park my car for 2
weeks for15 bucks with no risk of it being stolen?'
Chemistry Teacher
One day, in chemistry's class, teacher brought some chemicals.
Pouring one of the chemicals in a flask, he said to the class,"Today I am going to teach you 'acids and bases'."
Then he took a one rupee coin from his pocket and asked the students,"Now I am dropping this coin into this chemical. Can anybody tell me if it will melt or not?"
The class was quite for a minute. Then a boy, Areeb, raised hand.
"Yes Areeb, will the coin melt?"
"No sir."
"Right my son! Now tell me how do you know that?"
"Simple sir. If it would melt, you would not drop it into that chemical!"
Take Care
I would appreciate any kind of contribution, so if you know any Good Joke, please email me on
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