Journal entry on 11/4: Thoughts of the Trip

Frankly speaking, I don't think this is the appropriate time to go for a retreat. I had just finished a most stressful examination and a more prudent choice is to stay at home and rest instead of making the 3-hr long overland trip to Malaysia. Besides, my hands are all tied up in the Myanmar mission which is still in its infant stages of planning and coordinating and it will be disastrous if I miss out on some crucial updates during my absence. As for the CG saga, I've already made contingency plans. There are no eternal friendships or enmity in life and I'm happy to go wherever my fate brings me. I'm not quite worried about my results though. I'm positive that I should be able to pass; the grade doesn't matter much to me since I've already put in more than enough time and effort into my studies during the month's break and I should have no regrets whatsoever of my academic performance which I feel is of little significance and importance to me now. Nobody will inquire about my results during my 5 years of study when I become a doctor in the future. Neither will my grades be printed on my nametag. So why the fuss and anxiety? There are more pressing tasks to accomplish in life, one of which is mental cultivation and inner peace.

Something in me kept telling me that I've to make this trip regardless of what it takes even at the expense of all other responsibilities I have. It'll be almost impossible for me to get another opportunity again at such a perfect timing when my senior is going there during my holiday. I want to see for myself whether I'm suited to living that kind of solitary lifestyle that is isolated from the outside world. I've seen the path ahead of me and it's time to take the first step on it. This is Buddhism in real practice! The Lord Buddha said, one who practices the Dharma sees the Buddha - the footsteps of the Buddha, which he left on earth 2,500 years ago on his sojourn to supreme enlightenment. And why is enlightenment possible for all human beings? Because we all have a mind and we have the intelligence and willpower to control it and to guide it to see ultimate reality - that which is what really is. There is only one thing in my life which I feel is worth doing and which I've not been doing. Material success and mundane attainments in life mean almost nothing to me now, but of course, this perspective may undergo a radical change when I embark on working life later. I do not find any delight or joy in them. People seek happiness in external objects which are forever changing and without substance; real, ever-lasting happiness can only come from within. The Buddha has taught us the complete path and methods to achieve this happiness. It's up to us to practice it and verify for ourselves his words.

Ever since young, I've longed for solitude, silence and serenity, not that I'm anti-social, but because it's almost impossible to find time to be with oneself at all in the household and school life we led. I need time to be with myself. It has been a terribly long time since I last talked to myself. I want to know how I feel about myself thus far and what is the direction I should take in the future. I don't want to lead my life aimlessly like most people, moving with the flow and jumping on one bandwagon after another without ever seriously contemplating on what they seriously want in life. And there is no better time do that than NOW.