12 April

    We reached Batu Pahat town at around mid-noon and had lunch at a coffeeshop before proceeding to the hermitage. We reached our destination at 2pm. The resident monk at the hermitage, Bhante Vajira, gave us a short briefing before passing us the keys to our kuti. Bhante inquired me on my meditation experience and the 'stage' I am at now, which sadly to say, is none. I presumed he must have second-guess my 'ulterior motive' for staying at the hermitage. Well, I do not mind meditating, but a more urgent need for me now is to take a breather from the cooker-pressure environment of school life.

    There is a heavy thunderous downpour in the afternoon. I've never quite seen anything like that. It's a storm of gigantic proportion and for a while, I thought I might be washed away by the torrents of water that flow endlessly from above. But what is this storm outside compared to the storm raging inside of me just a year ago? Then, I was overwhelmed by waves of emotions and feelings, one after another - anger, guilt, anxiety, depression, emptiness, fear and remorse each took their turn in ravaging this helpless 'self'. Did I survived? Not really, on looking back, I still felt quite intimidated by the sudden upheaval in a once stable relationship. I am nursing my wounds and constantly reminding myself not to get trapped in another storm again. 

    I woke up a couple of times during the night, not quite used to sleeping on a hard surface without a pillow and the cacophony emanating from the forest around me. It's going to be a long night....

13 April

    The meditation hall looked deceptively clean, but when you really work your hands to sweep it, you will find dirt, dust and dead insect bodies in many places. Similarly, we may think that our mind is 'pure' and without blemish, but there'll always be little bits of 'dust' here and there. We have to 'cleanse' our minds everyday and purge it of its pollutants. And what are these pollutants? That of lust, ill-will, jealously, self-pity and apathy.

    After the morning shower, I scaled the small hill at the back of the hermitage. It was only a five minutes walk and yet I felt quite out of breath by the time I reached the peak. The view from the top is breathtaking - a vast expanse of greenery bathed in the rays of the sun with no boundaries in sight except where the earth meets the sky. 

    What is happiness? Peace of mind. And how does that come about? When the mind is free from strife, wondering thoughts, distractions and idle talk. Over here, I'm well secluded from the ills of mundane life; no wonder I seem so carefree and relaxed. This must be one of the most well-spent day of my life this year.

    It's a great feeling to be alive, not lost in the midst of it all, but to be with oneself and part of the whole. 

14 April

    Though I am supposed to be here to work on my 'attachments', I'm beginning to develop an unhealthy attachment to the dishes being served out during meal time. This morning breakfast, we have porridge, mee-hoon, kuay-tiao, sardine sandwiches, soonkuey, garlic bread, peanuts and an assortment of 4 fruits - bananas, papayas, watermelon and honeeydew. How many minutes to go before lunchtime?

    A new yogi checked in to the hermitage today, an amiable, friendly middle-aged man from Johor Bahru. He always wore a smile on his face and exudes a rustic innocent charm reminiscent of the villagers I encountered during my trip to Cambodia last year. In fact, over the past two days I've been here, I felt a certain inexplicable affinity towards the fellow yogis in the hermitage even though we hardly talk to each other. Everyone simply get on their tasks when the time and need arises. In noble silence, we've found solidarity and companionship in the Buddha's teachings on boundless selfless love, non-attachment and right speech. Do I call this friendship? I don't think I will miss any of them when I left, but I will surely wish them all the best in their lives. Perhaps if people outside can adopt even half of this mental attitude in dealing with others, we may have less time-consuming emotional entanglements, conflicts and trysts. 

    Stop the inner chatter! Thinking, analyzing and reasoning are the greatest swindlers of all! They lead the mind in a merry-go-round without getting it anywhere. Meditation is simply staying in the present moment with heightened self-awareness and protecting our minds from these rowdy and cantankerous intruders.

    Except the two flickering candles and the four oil-lamps around the Bodhi tree, the entire hermitage is enshrouded in pitch-black darkness at night. I was scared stiff when I noticed many green eyes staring into my face out of the wild and I momentarily thought we were being surrounded by hungry wolves. But after seeing those green lights zooming about in the bushes, sanity reminds me they are nothing more than fireflies. I wish I could have one of those light-emitting flies on my palm, but between a venture into the darkness and a return to the comfort of my bed, anyone should be able to predict my eventual choice. 

15 April

    I do not know why the sky is so gloomy today. I feel terribly bored, dull, lonely and empty. I can't focus on my breath properly. I keep thinking of my parents, my friends and all the unfinished business I have back home. Argh...why am I in such a wretched state? There must be a reason for it. Perhaps if I keep on thinking and analyzing its cause, it may just go away.

     Be aware of the feelings! Don't cling on to them and lose control. Mindfulness is like a float, grab on to it and you won't be swept away in a storm like this. Stay mindful and aware of the coming and going, arising and falling, appearing and passing away of these mental phenomena. They are impermanent and devoid of a substantial self!

    I an waiting for the storm to end. I've lost my only float. After every storm, there is tranquillity, sunshine and rainbow, isn't it? I'll simply sit down and let go of everything. 

    So what if I'm suffering? It's not as if I'm any happier in mundane life either. There is so much stress and pressure to perform and there'll always be frustrations and anger at not getting what I want. Worse, one have to put on a facade to deal with the myriad of human relationships out there. It's difficult and almost impossible to be with one's real self. 

    Life in hermitage versus life in the world: I talk little, am more mindful and feel less stressed as a result. Though there were times when I feel sad or dull, at least it's better than the stress, nervousness, anxiety, depression and anger that I've been subjected to in lay life. I am beginning to have serious doubts on the meaning of 'healthy competition'. One's lust is seldom satisfied so easily.

16 April

    Communal living: you get to see your ego clearly.

    In daily life, our minds are captivated by all kinds of sensory information and attractions, being entrapped in the endless pursuit for sensual gratification, material success, status and fame, we hardly have the chance to look deep into ourselves. Right now, at this every moment, in absolute solitude, accompanied by gibbons, crows and jumping spiders, I am uncovering little by little every scrap of the protective armour I once so proudly worn in society. When I look inside, I found only a sense of loss, loneliness and emptiness. I do not know why I am here, what's the meaning of my life and where I'm heading in the future. There is so much emotional baggage in the past I'm harboring and I'm ignorant of how to unload them. Maybe deep down inside, everyone of us is feeling the same way. It's just that we're afraid to see that part of ourselves and we chose instead to immerse and lose ourselves in studying, daily work or relationships in order to seek a temporary reprieve. Is this real happiness or only a convenient way of ablating suffering? How long will it last? All men are great liars, especially to themselves. 

    We had Pali chanting in the evening. The electric lights are not working and we have to resort to candles to read the passages. It's a small, cosy environment. I'm extremely touched by the devotees who travelled so far to this out-of-place hermitage to chant the Pali scriptures. In Singapore, most of us will be happy sitting in front of our television sets at this hour. 

    As I was going back to my kuti, Bhante stopped me to have a chat. He told me that the land for building the hermitage was offered by local devotees and that it was located in the middle of a forest reserve. There were many wild animals here and he once saw a king cobra and a tiger cub. However, this place was much cleaner and equipped with better facilities as compared to the forest monastery he hailed from in Myanmar. He had been a monk for eleven years. I reckoned that he's only thirty odd years of age. He asked me whether I ever have any desire of going into the homeless life. Well, I seldom have the good fortune or courage of choosing the route I really want in life. He replied with a sigh: the holy life is wide open, lay life is full of dust. Yay, and I will be accumulating more dust when I return.

17 April

    I spent a hour doing my laundry following the way my mother used to do at home. It's amazing how she had done that for the past two decades for the family, squatting down for hours, straining her back, washing our clothes and drying them day after day. The greatness and kindness of mothers are like the sun, shining its rays of light over the land and I'm only a small sapling growing under the nourishment of the light. No words can express the gratitude I felt towards my parents. Even coming to this hermitage requires their approval and blessings. Without them, I will not be where I am today. People used to tell me how smart one must be to study medicine, but they seldom ask me who make it possible for me to be in medical school in the first place. The fact is, I'm a nobody. It's my parents who so selflessly dedicated their lives to watering this sapling, removing the weeds around it and adding fertilizers to enable it to grow to what it is today. They gave me a healthy body, a good thinking brain, a suitable environment to thrive in and money to continue my education. I would never be able to repay their kindness even by giving up my life a thousand times for them. It's really sad that youngsters nowadays no longer respect their parents or think much of them as in the old days. I know it myself because I was once a hot-headed, rebellious and insensitive teenager who won't flinch from getting into heated arguments and fights with my parents in order to get what I want or in some cases, to protect my big ego. I feel chagrined at myself for being so dense and dumb, and not realizing this simple fact earlier, for in my younger days, I was too absorbed in slogging day in and out to score distinctions, that I completely forget about my parents who are working like a bull too in order to meet my needs. My parents have always loved me for what I am. They never force me to be what I am not, or to do things against my wishes. Though there are times when they may be possessive and unreasonable, it's all because they loved me too much. Can't we grant our parents a bit of selfish love that we'll more than willing to shower on our girlfriends or boyfriends? My girlfriend claims she loves me deeply too, but when I can't meet her needs and expectations, our relationship is aborted. I don't think our parents will ever turn their backs on us. Is the generation gap really too large to bridge? Isn't it an irony that we seek solace and comfort in external relationships while neglecting the very ones that form the pillar of our lives? How can mutual understanding and empathy be sought when we always have this pre-conceived perception that it's impossible and not making any conscientious effort to change things for the better? I promise myself I will have a good talk with my parents next week. 

    As I was clearing the oil lamps, I noticed many dead insects in the oil. They must be attracted to the light of the lamp at night before plunging to their deaths. It's like man, being captivated by sensual desires, they live their lives in the gratification of their senses, not knowing that death is creeping closer with each passing day.

    This is the world out there, nothing more, nothing less. Nothing more than the three characteristics of impermanence, unsatisfactoriness and non-self and nothing less than these. That's all to this world, what more do we want? The world is in a tangle, and here I am, supporting and contributing to this tangle.

    God is a personification of the ego. The idea of an almighty, omnipotent God to bestow us an eternal existence in 'heaven' stems from a deep-seated fear of extinction of the ego after death and an innate unsatisfiable desire to continue to enjoy sensual gratification and pleasures for eternality. Just use our common-sense and logic and think: is eternal 'life' possible when even the universe itself is subject to the laws of birth, aging and death? After Albert Einstein had proven beyond doubt in his classic General Theory of Relativity in 1905 that time and space are merely human constructs which can be broken down at the speed of light, man still adhere to the belief of an existence of a Self or Soul in space and time. The evolution of human intelligence will never progress beyond the limits imposed upon by the human brain.

    Near my meditation tent are a 6-legged spider and a five-legged grasshopper. Both looks lethargic and depleted. There must be an intense fight between the two of them not too long ago. People fight one another all the time in the world. They compete and fight for wealth, material possessions, women and sensual pleasures till they are worn out, mentally deranged or killed, but they still keep on squabbling and fighting without knowing that their lives will soon end. Take a look at the politicians in the world. Most of them have already one foot in their graves, yet they still continue to argue, to plot and fight against each other, creating turmoil and uncertainty for the innocent civilians they purportedly claimed to serve. When I become a senior citizen, I will retire to some isolated corner of the earth and live with nature, free from all these senseless conflicts and strife. 

    Some of the most selfless and compassionate people in the world are right here in this dwelling. Bhante Vajira has committed himself to walking the footsteps of the Buddha. Through his experience and practice in the Dhamma, he'll be able to provide useful advice to and help so many people in the world who are suffering from all kinds of mental afflictions. Sister Ping is a permanent resident of the hermitage. She woke up early in the morning to prepare our breakfasts and lunch, running the entire communal kitchen all by herself so much so that she had less time for her own practice. In society, we revere the popstars, footballers, rich men and man of power, wishing to emulate their success and glory. In truth, what have these people ever done for the good of the world that is deserving of our respect and admiration? And we'll willing to fork out money to support their ostentatious and indulgent lifestyle while there are millions out there who are dying of hunger, cold and pain. 

    Buddhaghosa said: mere suffering there is, but no sufferer is found. Even 'suffering' itself is of a selfless nature!

    While previously before I came to know the Dhamma, I've been heedless and reckless, committing all kinds of faults and evil with my mind, speech and body, I'm now tamed and restrained by the Blessed One's Teachings which point to inner peace, true happiness and release from suffering. I pay obeisance to the Buddha in ten-fold direction. May I never be separated from the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha in this life and beyond!

18 April

    Having live with nature for a few days, I noticed that death is a very common phenomena in the wild. The ants crawling to and forth on the toilet floor, buckets and hangars; they are soon drowned when the next person did his laundry and what remain behind are their bodies which soon decay and are returned back to nature. The flying insects that swarmed the meditation hall and night, making deafening noises and cries; only their dead carcasses can be found on the floor when we sweep the hall in the morning. The insects swirling around helplessly in the oil-lamp, are they even remotely aware of their impending deaths? Death is a concept itself created by the thinking mind. Living in an artificial environment apart from nature, it's understandable that man has forgotten that life and death are nothing more than merely natural processes and laws in action. Man is not an isolated species, it's very much a part of nature. Things arise when conditions are present, and pass away when the supporting conditions disappear. That's all, no life, no death.

    I had a shock of my life upon opening the door to my hut, a large winged creature flew in circles above me which happened to be a bat. It seems to have lose its way, flying around aimlessly in my room before resting upside down, on one leg hanging on the rope I used to hang my clothes. I tried in vain to chase it out using a broom. So I spent the night sleeping with a bat above me. It's gone the next morning. Actually, most creatures saved for the most ferocious tigers and sharks, are harmless to man by nature. Why are we so bent to exterminate other life-forms sharing the same habitat as us?

    'I came, I saw, I conquered.' The Buddha is a far more supreme conqueror than Julius Caesar. He defeated and overcome the afflictions of selfhood - craving, aversion and ignorance. 

    One of the greatest unresolved fears in me is that of losing my parents and the people I loved. It's strange that I should have such an intense feeling now when I'm usually apathic to the people around me in mundane life. I remembered an elderly man I talked to at the hospice. He told me that he was full of remorse and guilt now that his father had passed away. When he was young, he often clashed with his parents to the extent of moving out and not keeping in touch for many years until recently as a result of his father's illness. He regretted his actions and not being able to repay his parents' kindness. I will never forget that pitiful sight of him, he looks like a prisoner on the way to the gallows. I'm so much lucky compared to him. I still have many good years with my parents to make them feel gratified and happy of bringing up a son like me. They don't demand anything of me except that I'm happy always and I'm able to do something good for the world. What else can I do for them except guiding them to the path of truth and liberation?

    I'm seeing my attachments very clearly. Attachment is not love! Pure love is metta, wishing for the happiness of others without expecting anything in return. Attachment is: I want you to make me happy and if you don't fulfil this obligation, I shall do anything to make you and myself unhappy.

    Dealing with regrets and guilt of the past: be mindful and observe its coming and going. Remain silent and don't respond to their calls or taunts. Cultivate and develop the four great efforts daily to protect one's mind. What are the four great efforts? The effort to prevent unwholesome states from arising, the effort to eradicate unwholesome states which have arisen, the effort to produce wholesome states which have not yet arisen and the effort to develop those wholesome states. Is dwelling on past mistakes and wrongs a wholesome or unwholesome state? Unwholesome. Is it skilful or unskilful? Unskilful. A moment of heedlessness means that we are defeated by our defilements. Remember the Buddha's teachings. He never taught us to think and lament about the past. He told us to be mindful of every feeling and emotions, whether positive or negative that arises in our mind, to keep a close vigil on them and not to get swayed in either direction. If one is a practising Buddhist, if one have faith in the Buddha, he should practise with this in mind: this feeling is not mine, it is not self and it is empty of an inherent existence.

    This is an inspiring story of an ant. As I was pacing up and down the meditating hall, I saw an ant carrying a moth's wing a hundred times its size from one end of the hall to another and then down the flight of stairs. If we shrink a human to the size of an ant, that distance will measure to more than 10km. Several times along the journey, its way is blocked by a larger ant or a jumping spider, but the ant, the very ant to which my attention has become transfixed, never drop the moth's wing and run away or stay put and rest. It just keep on crawling and crawling and though at times it seems to lose its way and make a big detour, it always know the direction it is heading. It is by bare instinct and gut feeling that is bringing it back to its anthill. If it were to spend time to think, reason, analyze and argue with itself as to the direction to take, the worthiness of its task, the shortest route to follow and the methods employed to fight off other insects, it will long be dead before reaching its destination. It never questions, it simply do what it is supposed to do. We think and ponder too much, always having doubts about the right thing to do in life and that's why we feel stagnated and incapacitated sometimes. Just do it! If an ant can accomplish such a difficult feat, what more can't man, endowed with wisdom and intelligence achieved? 

    I followed the ant back to the anthill. His compatriots are busy building and enlarging it with bits of insects' wings, fallen leafs and twigs. I looked at the sky above. Dark clouds are gathering and a storm is coming to the oblivion and ignorance of the scuttling ants. In a few minutes or so, their nest will be flattened by the downpour and all their prior efforts and time spent on building it will be washed down the drain. In life, we devoted much of our energies towards accumulating wealth, fostering families and working for whatever cause we have, not realizing that today may in fact be the last day of our lives and we may long be dead tomorrow. Is there anyone who can be totally sure than he'll live to see tomorrow? We think it's unfair and unjust if someone pass away at a tender age, but it's nothing more than a fact of life. The only timeless truth that no science or religion can refute is: life is uncertain, death is certain. We're all going to die one day, the question is when. Since we know this is our eventual destination in life, why are there so much unhappiness, misery and anger over the inevitable?

19 April

    There are many misconceptions about Buddhism, the greatest being that it is a religion. The Buddha is a teacher who has discovered a method that will transcend all suffering and bring true, everlasting happiness. His teachings are termed 'Buddhism'. That's all. Is what the Buddha taught verifiable and efficacious? I think so. I've never seen a depressed or frustrated monk in my life. Of all the teachers I have the fortune to be acquainted, Venerable Thubten Chodren, Venerable Tiloka, Ajahn Brahmavamso, Venerable Dipankara, Lama Zopa Rinpoche and Bhante Vajira; they are full of humility, humor and wit, carrying with them an air of self-assurance and inner peace, radiating loving-kindness, joy and equanimity wherever they go. 

     We are deceived by our families, friends and society, the biggest culprit of all, into believing that  marriage is an essential part of life and is the only route to happiness and self-actualization. I recalled during my NS days, I talked to many reservists who complained to me the problems they encountered with their spouses and family. Nowadays, 20% of all marriages end up in divorces. Out of those which survived, how many couples really love each other and how many are smooth-going without any conflicts or problems. Just think of the time, energy and money one may have to 'invest' in marriage and resolving its concomitant problems. Where can one find peace of mind? There may be a few couples who have a long and blissful marriage, but still in the end, they have to be separated by death. To be separated from one's loved one is suffering, the deeper the love, the greater the mental anguish at its loss. I don't think I'm willing to take the risks and endure these mental tortures in order to propagate the species. There are too many human beings in the world; we're facing a population explosion; people will get by without my genes.

    I've never been truly happy in the past. All I managed to do is to temporarily alleviate my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life by indulging in sensual pleasures. I can see my own suffering, the cause of it and what it has led me to. It's really unnecessary. Too much time has been frittered away on meaningless and useless worries and anxieties. Suffering is mind-made and I must assume full responsibility for what I've gone through for who else can I place the blame on? 

    Attachment is selfless and not absolute. When I was young, I was very attached to my grandmother and will cry whenever I have to go home. I wasn't attached to my mother then, why now the sudden affinity? When I returned home, I'm sure I will miss this place. 

    What is attachment? Clinging to people, place and time and feeling miserable in their absence. How does attachment arise? Through contact of our six sense-doors with the external environment. Can we prevent attachment from taking root? By being absolutely mindful, guarding our six sense doors carefully day and night and not selecting or falling into either extreme of elation and depression.

20 April

    We seeking a meaning in life through role-playing and assumption of an identity. As we progress through working life, we will take on various kinds of labels as a father, a doctor, a CEO, etc. We are never a human being. Our egos get inflated and attachment to 'self' increases.

    The four sublime abodes of metta (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (appreciative joy)  upekkha (equanimity), when cultivated daily can protect our minds against ill-will, indifference, jealously and depression, bringing us inner peace and joy. Spreading boundless love to all beings, we renounce hatred and causing harm to others; having compassion to those who are suffering, we prevent our minds from becoming apathetic and self-absorbed; feeling happiness for others' successes prevent jealously from arising and recalling to mind that all beings are owners of their own kamma stabilizes our minds and protects it from falling into states of depression and self-pity.

    We complain that our rooms are untidy while never bothering to tidy it, so what's the point of complaining? If we don't sow the seeds of happiness in life, how can we ever hope to reap happiness too? 

    Feeling sorry of what one has done wrong in the past is saying: I know what I have done is inappropriate and incorrect. I accept full responsibility for it. I will not repeat the same mistake again. On the other hand, being burdened with guilt and remorse is another trick of the ego: I can't accept what I have done. My ego is dented by this blameful action of mine. I don't want to face any blame or repercussions. In short, I want to get away with it and pretend nothing has happened.

    Faith, rituals, philosophy and intellectualism are advertising propaganda to attract people to come and learn the Dhamma. It's like the cover of a book. We have to read the entire book to know and understand what it's all about.

21 April

    We made our own suffering in the world. There's a lot of self-hatred and self-pity in each of us. If we can't even love ourselves for who we are, how can we expect to love others?

    The worldly life is like children building sandcastles. They are so engrossed in building it, with towers representing careers, families, status, material possessions and fame without realizing that a wave is coming which will level everything in a second. Occasionally, before the next wave comes, feeling bored and meaningless, they kick away and destroy what they have built themselves.

22 April

    Going to Singapore where I'm live out my pathetic existence. Singaporeans are so materially well off, but they are spiritually deprived. Staying here for 10 days, I've learnt a lot from the fellow yogis and the many devotees who flocked to see Bhante everyday. Maybe I should invite one of them back to teach us that praying to Buddha is an act of reverence we showed to this great Teacher, not in exchange for some winning numbers at 4D or toto; donations to the Sangha are made with the intention to prolong the dispensation of the Buddha and to ensure that the teachings are passed down to the next generation and not because we can get any good fortune or wealth in return and lastly and most importantly, enlarging one's house and bank accounts will not bring happiness, enlarging one's mind and heart will. 

    On my first day here, I was welcomed by a heavy storm. Before I took leave in the morning, there was another downpour of similar size. Not a good omen. It may be a warning of an impending storm that is waiting for me back home.