Journal entry on 23/4: The Aftermath

The world seems so different now after the 10-day retreat at Batu Pahat. This is the closest experience I can ever get to that of a monastic life. Short it may be, it�s definitely a most fulfilling and worthwhile stay which not only shed light on the things and values I truly hold dear in life, but also increase my faith in the Buddha�s teachings. Practising Buddhism in real life is drastically different from reading the scriptures or devotional practices. When you really sit down and take a closer look at yourself, you will realize many new things now known to you before and more than often being obscured by the hustle and bustle of this mundane world. And I know what I desire most � my parents� and sister�s happiness. They are of paramount importance compared to my own. At the same time, you uncover many hidden wounds and emotional baggage which should long been deposed of. There are many conflicting issues which are still unresolved, but life still have to go on. 

I no longer hanker over the material comfort and success that so many people yearn for. Even medicine itself has lost its original aspirations and ideals to me. A psychiatrist may diagnose this condition as depression and a temporary loss in direction and meaning of life, but to me, life has taken on a totally new different meaning altogether. Two statements from my teacher will forever ring in my heart: The world outside is full of people building sandcastles on the beach. One tower is their career, one their relationships, one their sensual enjoyments and one their material possessions. They are so immersed in playing with it that a slight disturbance will incur their wrath and anger. But when they tired of it, they just kick it apart and build another new one. Or if they are obsessed with it long enough, the waves may just come in and flatten everything in a flash. That marks the pathetic state of our worldly existence � living solely in the amelioration of our craving and desires till a new one arises that replaces the old. Indeed, the holy life is wide open, lay life is full of dust.

My parents think I�m getting a hangover from the retreat and I�ll be back to �normal� in a few days time. The truth is, I was never �normal� by their standards and I�m determined to walk my own path away from that dictated by society. The saddest thing in life is I never have the opportunity or courage to embark on the path that my belief and faith lies in and instead poking my hands in all kinds of redundant and useless affairs to pass my time. Had conditions been slightly different, I�m sure I�ll be more adventurous to choose the path that my heart so desires. Of course Buddhism can be practised in lay life and by those with family, but for one who has no desire for a family life, what more can this world hold me back. Years pass swiftly in a flash and before long, I�ll be old, weak and fragile, not having tasted a fruit of the Buddha�s revealed truths and having to die and repeat the cycle again and again. There is nothing more to this world and nothing less and I�m part of this mess, contributing to it and getting in the tangle. For one whose views are still tainted by defilements, afflicted by clinging, how can he see the unsatisfactoriness of lay life? Only one truth holds eternal:

Subject to dissolution are all conditioned things

Arising and passing away

They come and go

Their stilling and rest is

Eternal peace!