| THE REAL 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS |
| DECEMBER 15: DEAREST JOHN, I WENT TO THE DOOR TODAY AND THE POSTMAN DELIVERED A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE. WHAT A DELIGHTFUL GIFT. I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE SURPRISED WITH DEAREST LOVE AND AFFECTION, AGNES |
| DECEMBER 15: DEAREST JOHN, TODAY THE POSTMAN BROUGHT YOUR VERY SWEET GIFT. JUST IMAGINE, TURTLE DOVES. I'M JUST DELIGHTED AT YOUR VERY THOUGHTFUL GIFT. THEY ARE JUST ADORABLE. ALL MY LOVE, AGNUS |
| DECEMBER 16: DEAREST JOHN, OH , AREN'T YOU THE EXTRAVEGENT ONE. I REALLY MUST PROTEST. I REALLY DON'T DESERVE SUCH GENEROSITY. THREE FRENCH HENS. THEY ARE JUST DARLING BUT I MUST INSIST.....YOU ARE JUST TOO KIND. LOVE, AGNES |
| DECEMBER 17: DEAR JOHN, TODAY THE POSTMAN DELIVERED FOUR CALLING BIRDS. NOW REALLY! THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL BUT DON'T YOU THINK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? YOU'RE BEING TOO ROMANTIC. AFFECTIONATELY, AGNES |
| DECEMBER 18: DEAREST JOHN, WHAT A SURPRISE! TODAY THE POSTMAN DELIVERED FIVE GOLDEN RINGS! ONE FOR EACH FINGER. YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE, BUT I LOVE IT! FRANKLY JOHN, ALL THOSE SQUAKING BIRDS WERE BEGINNING TO GET ON MY NERVES. ALL MY LOVE, AGNES |
| DECEMBER 19: DEAR JOHN, WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR THERE WERE ACTUALLY SIX GEESE A-LAYING ON MY FRONT STEPS. SO YOU'RE BACK TO THE BIRDS AGAIN, HUH? THOSE GEESE ARE HUGE. WHERE WILL I EVER KEEP THEM? THE NEIGHBORS ARE COMPLAINING AND I CAN'T SLEEP THROUGH THE RACKET. PLEASE STOP! CORDIALLY, AGNES |
| DECEMBER 20: JOHN, WHAT'S WITH YOU AND THOSE FUCKING BIRDS?????? SEVEN SWANS A-SWIMMING???? WHAT KIND OF GODDAMN JOKE IS THIS????? THERE'S BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE AND THEY NEVER STOP THE RACKET. I'M A NERVOUS WRECK AND I CAN'T SLEEP ALL NIGHT. IT'S NOT FUNNY!!! SO STOP WITH THOSE FUCKING BIRDS!! SINCERELY, AGNES |
| DECEMBER 21: OKAY BUSTER, I THINK I PREFER THE BIRDS. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS A-MILKING??? IT'S NOT ENOUGH WITH ALL THOSE BIRDS AND EIGHT MAIDS A-MILKING, BUT THEY HAD TO BRING THEIR OWN GODDAM COWS!! THERE IS SHIT ALL OVER THE LAWN AND I CAN'T MOVE INTO MY HOUSE. JUST LAY OFF, SMART ASS!!!! AG |
| DECEMBER 22: HEY SHITHEAD, WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND OF SADIST? NOW THERE IS NINE PIPPERS PLAYING...AND GEEZ DO THEY PLAY. THEY HAVEN'T STOPPED CHASING THOSE MAIDS SINCE THEY GOT HERE, YESTERDAY MORNING. THE MAIDS CAN'T MILK SO THE COWS ARE UPSET AND ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE SCREECHING BIRDS. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? THE NEIGHBORS HAVE STARTED A PETTITION TO EVICT ME. YOU'LL GET YOURS!!!! FROM AG |
| DECEMBER 23: YOU ROTTEN PRICK, NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING AND I DON'T KNOW WHO WOULD CALL THOSE SLUTS LADIES. THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE NINE PIPPERS ALL NIGHT LONG. NOW THE COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA. MY LIVING ROOM IS A RIVER OF SHIT. A COMMISSIONER OF BUILDINGS HAS SOBPOENAED ME TO GIVE CAUSE WHY THE BUILDING SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED. I'M SICKING THE POLICE ON YOU. ONE WHO MEANS IT, AG |
| DECEMBER 24: LISTEN FUCKHEAD, WHAT'S WITH THE ELEVEN LORDS A -LEAPING ON THOSE MAIDS AFORMENTIONED "LADIES"??? SOME OF THOSE BROADS WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN. THOSE PIPPERS HAVE RAN THROUGH THE MAIDS AND HAVE BEEN COMMITTING SODOMY WITH THE COWS. ALL 234 OF THOSE BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY HAVE BEEN TRAMPLED TO DEATH BY THE ORGY. I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED, YOU ROTTEN PIG!!!! YOUR SWORN ENEMY, MISS AGNES MCCALLISTER |
| DECEMBER 25: (FROM THE LAW OFFICES OF TAEKER, SPREDAR, AND BAEGAR) DEAR SIR, THIS IS TO ACKNOLEDGE THAT YOUR LATEST GIFT OF TWELVE FIDDLERS FIDDLING, WHICH YOU HAVE SEEN FIT TO INFLICT ON OUR CLIENT, MISS AGNES MCCALLISTER, THE DESTRUCTION OF COURSE, WAS TOTAL. ALL CORRESPONDANCE SHOULD COME TO OUR ATTENTION. SHOULD YOU ATTEMPT TO CONTACT MISS MCCALLISTER, AT HAPPY DALE SANITARIUM, THE ATTENDENTS HAVE INSTRUCTIONS TO SHOOT YOU ON SIGHT. WITH THIS LETTER, PLEASE FIND THE ATTACHED WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST!!!! THANK YOU....AND HAVE A GOOD DAY. |
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