The Story of Karma Burger
Seeking for a mindless way to waste some time, I came upon the
E-Quiz website. I scrolled through a list of their quizzes and eventually
chose to do the "Karma Quiz". After a series of ethical questions,
E-Quiz informed me that I had earned 682 Karma Points this year.
"Karma Points?" I thought to myself, "What the hell? What are Karma Points
for? Can I trade them for cool Karma stuff? If you get the most points do
you win the game of life? Jesus, is this website trying to tell me that all
spiritualism and religions have been corrupted and commercialized?!"
Ranting and raving, I called up my friend Alex Von Vilson and we took a walk
down by the old train tracks to discuss the matter further. I was deep
in the middle of a heated argument with Alex, so I didn't hear the loud KA-CHUNK
that sounded the end of a Diesel Train's close relationship with the train
tracks. I did, however, hear Alex scream, "LOOK OUT!"
I whirled around and found myself face to face with train engine that was
careening wilding through the air.
I remember a second of contact and then darkness.
I touched my cheek, confirming that whereever I was, I was still intact.
There were no visible landmarks in this mysterious place. Just darkness
as far as the eye could see. That is to say, the eye couldn't see anything
because it was dark. Suddenly, I realized that I must have crossed
the great beyond. I was dead, and this... this lack of anything was
what was waiting for me on the other side of life. A gaping expanse
of nothingness. An eternal limbo, void of any and all substance. Then,
to my great surprise, there WAS something. It began as a small crack of harsh
white light, and then began to grow. Soon, I was staring at a gigantic
doorway which had opened up miles in front of me. An unearthly light
beamed through it, temporarily blinding me. When I regain my sight,
I sucked in a harsh gasp. A dark, shadowy figure stood out against
the light. Without thinking, I felt... I KNEW that I was looking upon
the form of the most evil of evils. Lucifer. Lucifer raised a hand
out into the darkness. His hand seemed to close the miles-long gap between
us in seconds. It reached towards my face, then suddenly snapped downward.
A golden orb of sunlight burst into life above my head.
"What are you doing in the closet?" asked the Devil-beast.
The gigantic doorway that was miles away was actually a regular sized doorway
about three feet in front of me. Lucifer appeared to be some guy named Jeff.
He pulled me out of the closet and then turned the closet light back off.
"What were you doing in the closet?" he asked again.
"Closet? Closet?" I murmered, unsure where exactly I was.
Suddenly Jeff's eyes lit up as though the fire of a thousand suns burned
behind them, but it was actually just one sun reflecting off his.... that
white part of the eye.... not the iris... the... you know.
"Are you new here?" Jeff asked, "If you're new, you have to sign in."
"Oh," I stammered, "where do I do that?"
"Why, it's easy," smirked Jeff, "Just go down those stairs over there."
Raising his hand like a giant man raising his giant hand but then scaled
down proportionately, Jeff pointed at a winding road of stairs. The stairway
twisted, and turned, and doubled back for miles on end. In fact, its end
was lost over the horizon.
"My God!" I shouted, "There must be millions of stairs!"
"What?" replied Jeff, confused. "No, not THOSE stairs. These stairs right
here."
He pointed again.
"My God!" I shouted, "There must be... THREE stairs!"
I then began my death-defying struggle to... done. After stepping down the
treacherous triple-ledged stairway, I came to a large oak door. It glistened
like oak in the sunlight, which is to say, it didn't actually glisten at
all.
I twisted the doorknob like only Chubby Checker could.... and also myself,
I suppose.
"Hello?" I called, "I was told to sign in?"
Suddenly a fierce demon leapt at me from behind a desk! The demon bared his
pencil-sharp teeth at me and screamed "WELCOME TO LIMBO!"
I shrieked like a little girl and began to quiver like a bowlful of cowardess.
The demon stepped back, a little uneasy. He adjusted his tie, cleared his
throat and muttered, "Oh, that's right. People get scared when I do that."
Then he smiled at me sheepishly and repeated, "Welcome to Limbo."
The demon's name was Tadd Johnstone. He was a large, burly creature with
round glasses and his long hair was pulled back in a pony-tail. He wore a
dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and dress slacks. He
didn't come out from behind his desk, but I caught a glimpse of fuzzy pink
bunny slippers on his feet.
"So," said Tadd, "You would be... Shawn Collins, correct?"
"Yes, sir," I replied, "That is correct."
"Well, Mr. Collins," he said, "I'm pleased to announce that you have earned
13 598 Karma Points in your rather short lifetime."
"Wait," I interrupted... although in retrospect, I didn't really interrupt
him at all, as he had already finished his sentence before I spoke.
"Wait," I said once he had finished his sentence, therefore not interrupting
him in anyway, "Karma Points actually exist?"
"You betchya!" Tadd smiled, "And you can trade them in for cool Karma Stuff!"
He grabbed a jacket off a hook and modelled it for me. The word "Karma" was
printed across the back of it.
"That's a nice jacket," I told Tadd.
"It better be!" he said, "It cost me 25 000 Karma Points."
My mouth dropped open, then it closed again. Then it repeated this process.
At the same time, I manipulated my lips and tongue and used my voicebox to
make various noises. The overall effect was this sentence coming out of my
mouth:
"You mean that even with 19 years worth of Karma Points, I can't even get
a decent jacket?!"
"Ooh, you're right," said Tadd, "let me check my charts here."
He checked his charts there.
"Oh, this isn't good, Scotch."
"Actually, my name is Shawn. I don't think the word Scotch even constitutes
as a person's name..."
"That's a good point, Scotch." replied Tadd, "Anyways, as I was saying, it
looks like you don't have enough Karma Points to get into Heaven."
"GASP!" I gasped.
"Look kid, I'll be straight with you. You've got two options. Your first
option, is going to hell."
"What's the second option?" I asked.
"There is no second option."
"But you said I had two options!"
"Did I? Oh, you're right. Yes, the second option. That option. The second
of the two options I mentioned previously. Option number two of two. L'option-
"WHAT IS THE OPTION?!!!"
"Oh, well, your second option is to get a job here in limbo and earn more
Karma Points."
"I'll take the job! The Job!" I screamed.
"Alright," said Tadd, "luckily I happen to have a job opening right now.
Can you start right away?"
We walked out into the sunlight and Tadd pointed at a low building with a
curved roof. A giant encircled letter K stood on the roof. A sign on the
door of the building said "Karma Burger."
"You've got to be kidding me...."
"I hope you've got good people... errr... demon skills." said Tadd.