Entry 35

            Seems I’m doomed never to marry. Adora cancelled the wedding the day of our rehearsal. For the first time in my life, I was convinced to take solace in liquor…if only for the one day. I couldn’t and still don’t understand what happened. She couldn’t even face me. I came home, late as usual these days, only to find a note on the bed saying she was leaving me. I don’t know how long I sat, but sometime the next day, I went to Raven. She convinced me to have a few drinks, just to take the edge off of things.

            Now, months later, I can at least look at it without the cutting pain tearing at me. I’ve found occasional solace in the arms of a woman, and committed one act I still regret. Short Stuff – Amywiel – has been staying here since before Adora had left. I’m rarely home, so it’s been no trouble to share the space, but she was attempting to help me one evening, knowing I haven’t been sleeping well. She’s part empath, and was willing to force a different thought over the dream I usually have. Trick was, she needed a happy memory to place there.

            Not that the other one is bad, it’s just…the damn thing is taking over my mind. I think about it during waking hours; I try harder at night to remember…to hear what these other people are saying. There’s a sense of panic that starts to come, as if they’ve said something I didn’t want to hear…then one of the women touches my forehead. There are two women. The one who touches me says “You will remember when the time is right.” There’s more…I know she said more…it just won’t come to me. I think I blacked out then. I hear garbled talking, but nothing makes sense…

            Anyway…Short Stuff offered to block this for a few days, keep me from thinking about it so I could sleep. She took another memory…both of us forgetting that she takes on whatever the other feels. I chose a memory of myself and the woman I’ve been with of late. One thing led to another, and I ended up showing a very innocent young woman the ways of intimacy.

I know I didn’t take advantage of her. I made her think and consider before each step further we made. But all the same, I’ve been a little concerned about where this puts the two of us. She’s always been a sweet little thing, more a baby sister, a sometimes annoyance, than anything else.

Raven was no help. When I explained to her about the whole situation, she laughed. The woman actually laughed at me! The one time in my life I’m actually really truly feeling stress about something, and she laughs. Duval must really love her to put up with her on a full time basis. She’s so much like a sister – a brother, actually – that I think we’d drive each other crazy if we ever had to share a living space.

I ran into Adora a few weeks ago, as well. She’s as beautiful as I remember, but the moment was extremely awkward.  A man was with her, I’m guessing her newest beau. I offered him a respectful bow and told her she looked well. I didn’t feel the need to hurry away or run off, but for the life of me, I could come up with nothing to say to her. Or, rather, there was so much I wished I could have said, that I had nowhere to start.

I guess Amy recognized one of the faces from my odd dream, as well. She tried to tell me she had met one of them…that Charys was there in my dream. But why would that be? The image is of me laughing and talking with this person, this god. According to the people here, and from what I’ve seen, the gods are mostly hands-off in this world. Not at all like at home.

She seems to think I may be connected in some way to the gods now. That struck a nerve when she said that, and I thought back to something Dora had said – something about me having a glow or some damn thing around me, and that she felt around me like she did when she did her prayers: close to the gods.

I’m a little scared.

Entry 36

Have I written what a pain Raven is? She seems to be under the impression I’m “in love” with Amy. And this after I told her I didn’t intend to ever fall into that worthless pastime again. I was told years ago to stay away from elves, and I’ve done nothing but mix with them. You’d think I’d learn, but no. I had not only one, but two fiancés with Elvin blood. Now Raven – another with Elvin blood, albeit drow blood – is telling me that I supposedly love Amy, another drow. I don’t love her! I can’t! I’m not going through that again.

Never mind that I worry about her and want her happy. That’s just me. I’m looking out for her. On that thought, we’ll never mind the times we’ve ended in bed together as well.

If only I could never mind that sweet little Amy said she loved me. If only I could never mind that I nearly panicked when I couldn’t protect her a while back.

That whole thing; Lights! Some man named Kroell approached us, wanting me to fight. His man at arms tried to force me to bow to him, to “give him” respect. I was taught to only give respect to those that have earned it. When I refused, I was hit on the head, right over the scar from the war injury, making my vision blur, and Amy was taken by the hair, dragged off somewhere. This Kroell wanted me to either fight now or to agree to be in the Tournament of Thorns. Neither is my way. I was felled by his blade for no reason. And in front of a young woman with a baby, no less!

I was revived, but couldn’t find Amy. Then, as if the “gods” themselves were there, an urgency placed my feet on a path to her. I arrived in time to see this other man slit her throat and for her to disappear. I later found that she had somehow been taken to the Underdark, the home of the dark elves, the drow; someplace she had never in her life been. Her whole life had been on the surface.

Someone named Argrim also happened along at this time. Bao came looking for me, as I was late for my appointed time at the Dojo. Funny, how people get used to a routine I didn’t know I had. But he came looking for me, heard what had happened, and went after Argrim and the man I later heard was named Raahnar. Someone named Kijindei went after Bao, and threatened to ruin our Dojo’s good standing with the druids. Bao turned over his robes and amulet, walking away from the Dojo.

Amy found her way back to us. I have to say the only other time I’d felt that kind of relief had been the moment Adora awoke from her poisoning. That brings thoughts of Adora to mind. I still miss her at odd moments, but my mind is more consumed by voices and images that continue to plague me.

When I feel almost beyond overwhelmed, Short Stuff is there, blocking things from my mind. Even now, the little miss is tucked in my bed with a stuffed squirrel I had had made for her. Most people look more innocent in their sleep; this one looks just the same as her waking hours; calm, sweet, and somewhat childlike. She’s been such a help the last while. Even when I didn’t want to hear what she could translate from my memories.

The worst thing I could imagine has been spoken. One of the things she understood took away the one wish I had still held onto. If I had even considered the thought of marrying in the future, that hope is gone. Marriage would have been an alliance, an agreement between me and a lady; one in which I would have seen to her every need, so long as I was given children. It would never have been a love match, not after all I’ve been through, but at least I would have had the only thing I’ve ever really wanted for myself.

Amy said lots of women would be happy just to have me, that they wouldn’t care about a family. Case in point, she said she’d be happy to have me. The thought that she’s looking at me as more than a friend scares the hell out of me.

Riegn seems to think she sees something too. She told me Amy was a good woman for me, that Amy must be my girlfriend.

And now Riegn and I are Masters of the Dojo. I told her about the dreams and images. She seems to think I’m destined for something greater, that I’m having the knowledge withheld from me until I’m ready or the time is right, or something. I end this as I did my last entry: I’m a little scared. No…strike that. I’m terrified. I don’t want to be a tool for some great plan. I don’t want to in league with gods or immortals or whatever they are. And I don’t want to be in love…I don’t think.

Entry 37

I think I proposed to Amy. I didn’t say the words, but I did tell her that if she still wanted to be with me when her family came to visit, I’d agree to her wishes. She’s now planning a wedding. I feel like I’m in over my head.

And there’s no magic right now. Something’s happened, something took all the magic from this world (the gods, I’m told) and while I first thought it didn’t affect me, I have to wonder now. I feel like I’m slowly going insane. The conversations in my memories are constantly there, the voices over-riding my daily existence. More and more of the conversation is coming out, and Amy says at times I’ve even switched over to this odd language or that she’s spoken to me in it and I’ve answered.

Names have come to me, as well as some of their forms. Everything is becoming clearer. The way these people look, and talk and what they say. Fahlnor. He argues with me. In the memories, I seem to enjoy the debates with him, but as of yet, I can’t tell what in the world we’re discussing. Rhima. She’s the one that touches my forehead. I don’t know how I know this, but suddenly its there, overwhelming me. The only time I don’t feel this crushing press of memories is when I meditate…or when my little miss is with me.

When did Amy stop being Short Stuff and become my Little Miss? And why mine?

What if these memories aren’t memories? What if I never met these people, if they never existed? What if – Lights help me! – I’m slowly losing my mind and should step down as Master of the Mind? Lady Luck, Master Chaos…please…my work at the Dojo is the only thing that has ever given me true purpose. I don’t want to lose this.