I, Adam Blaine Erickson, start this journal to keep myself sane in this odd new world. I have no idea what turn my life has taken, but I shall endeavor to keep a record of the coming events.
Entry 1
So much has happened in the last few weeks. I had been living in a state of constant fear, due to the war in our lands. My job had been to protect the crown prince – a last line of defense, if you will, when enemies would come too near his person.
With a snap of the fingers, the king was dead and my charge took the throne. His first act was to declare genocide on the race that had murdered his father. My blood ran cold – for numerous reasons. Genocide blames all for the acts of a few. The new king was yet young – we all were. Lights! I had grown up a playmate of his.
But the thought that froze me in place was that I was not an armed combatant. Crossbow, yes; hands, and any other part of my person, certainly. But to see me with another weapon, despite years of attempted training, was to watch an infant take its first steps. That uncoordination felled me. I was on my knees, watching the blade aimed for my head. I blacked out. I was the last line of defense for my king, and I was hit. It sits unsettled with me that I don’t know the outcome of that battle.
I awoke upon a water conveyance – a boat – in a strange land. Water surrounded land that was green, not golden, and the rain! I swear – Lady Water must have issues with these good people!
Most of a week went by as I settled into the idea that I was no longer going home. No one had ever heard of my home or my beliefs.
Then an elf appeared as I looked out upon the great expanse of water. A tiny, petite thing with a full compliment of curves. And I promptly made an ass of myself. Flirting and suggesting…I’m almost embarrassed of myself.
But she saw past that. Volunteering to show me about, she took me and her Fae friend Koli to another isle, teaching me in very short order how easy my life had been before coming to these lands.
I’m afraid I like her more than reasonable. For good or ill, things have progressed beyond the companion stage. Not only have I bedded her, I found I was her first. Lights be praised! I’ve been with so many women in the past…that I can count them on one hand. And then for me to… I blush to write that perhaps I am less romantic as a lover than a flirt. I tried to talk her out of it, I think, and I did ask her to protect against babes. She only gave that momentary pause before agreeing.
I made a vow to my brother, a long time ago, that I would guard against a child on the wrong side of the sheets. I’m sure Lirindas would care little of the reason, but I owe that much to my eldest brother.
Not even a full month! The captain of our guard back home was an elf. She had always warned us to shy away from her kind. “Adam,” she would tell me, “you are far too innocent a wonder for the likes of us. We would use your joys and passions, leaving you a dry husk with no partner to show for it.” I know she meant that elves rarely bonded with humans, and so easily promised never to take one to my bed or my heart.
Fearfully, I believe I may have lied to my captain. My only consolation lies in the hope that Lirindas Starchilde is as different as everything else here is. I could not have turned her away had a hundred men threatened me with my life. Lights help me, a woman has never made me feel the way she does.
And then for her to arrange a meeting with the Captain of the local guard…I owe her so much, and all I do is keep taking.
Entry 2
I met Drake Norwood while searching out the captain. He, too, wishes to join the guard. An honorable man, if a bit odd. He seems to have no wish for the company of a lady, yet has the manners of the finest courtier. I like the man; he reminds me of my eldest brother Kyle.
Of course, his comments about the way a lady should be treated makes me feel a heel in regards to my behavior with Rin. I didn’t tell him of this, though. My guilt is my own, what little I have for the amazing afternoon.
I passed the first test towards becoming a guardian and went adventuring with Drake. I bought a jewel I hope to give Rin; a pink stone that reminded me of the light haloed in her red hair. I hope she won’t find the reason silly.
I’ve also picked up a copper ring. Why such thoughts cross my mind, so soon after meeting her, I don’t know. But with limited funds, the idea occurred to me that the simple ring may be all I have to offer if marriage were to appear on the horizon.
Not that I plan to marry! Praise be, no! I know so little of her. I don’t even know why I’ve bedded her.
Yet Drake must see something in me, too. He asked that I sell several weapons we picked up along the way, telling me to set the funds aside to assist in winning my lady.
Entry 3
While adventuring, we came across a small child. Lost and in need of our assistance. What manner of creature would think to mistreat a child? The horrors of this land continue to amaze me. The poor boy had his animals run off and he had been scared near to death, both by the monstrosities and being lost. He had never seen such horror. I continued to remind him he was not alone, and that he was a brave man – a fine warrior. And he needed to keep thinking to the stories he’d be able to tell his friends about how he survived the day and saved my lady.
We almost didn’t make it out. Just as we cleared the forest and the boy’s home was in sight, we were attacked yet again. I was felled and didn’t see Rin go down. Next I knew, another was with the boy, a lady from the local shops, and she saw to our recovery.
I’m just glad the boy …and his oxen…made it home safely.
Entry 4
Lady Fire has allowed Rin to consume me. I want – need – her as I do the air. I was almost reluctant to tell her of my thoughts, even more fearful of revealing them fully to myself. She shares my feelings, knowing on some deep level that we are meant to be together. Even without the reassurance of the Lights, I know this is right.
Kyle, I’m sorry, brother. I can’t marry her yet, nor can I keep away from her. We’ve discussed children, and if they happen…
Drake tried to dissuade me, and I agree that I need to try to stay chaste with her, but the temptation often overrides my reason. Drake has agreed to help me pursue my future with the guardians, knowing the haste I now have. He, too, worries that I dishonor her and act more base than either of us deserves.
Drake and I are much alike, yet different in so many areas. His gods are an enigma to me. He has never seen them, never spoken with them, and relies on someone called a priest to tell them how the gods want things done.
My belief says that there can only be one maker, one god. The others are the creators representatives. I have walked with these men and women, had personal discourse with them, been given orders, instructions and chastisement when needed. I have seen the Lights at weddings or bonding ceremonies.
Our confusion leads us to some interestingly twisted conversations where our gods are concerned.
I am still learning of the local beliefs. I have found that I should honor Telan and Dsituyt, protectors, both. I can easily honor the thought of them, but I don’t know that I can take them into my soul without truly knowing of them.
Entry 5
Okay, I really screwed up this time. I finally got the balls to approach Sergeant Vetinari. Drake had told me that the sergeant had two daughters, said girls sitting at the table with him. I commented on their looks. Raven is dark-skinned with white hair. Her hair is even lighter than my king’s! Her pretty features are marred by either a scowl or a malicious look, though. K’Ellena is lighter, both in looks and tone, seeming very shy. I thought to draw her out with a few compliments, which proved my undoing. K’Ellena left the table as the sergeant started to get hot under the collar.
I hadn’t known he had never married – why would I expect such an esteemed man to hold with relations outside of marriage? I also hadn’t known that he seems to have something of a reputation in that area. My comments that a Guardian should uphold a woman’s virtue landed squarely in a bad situation.
Going from bad to worse, Raven accused my of wanting to bed both her and her sister. She thrust her breasts in my face – before her father, no less! – and I reacted horrifically. I told her she was no lady and was promptly escorted to the door by her father.
I’ve never been so humiliated. Sergeant Vetinari seems a good man and I respect the protective way he handles his daughters. He “asked” that I go back and apologize to Raven. I did, nearly getting myself in more trouble. There was no way to prove that my intentions are only noble. Not even hearing that I intend to marry – truly, I think that may have worsened the situation.
The sergeant left, taking any chance with him that I’ll ever become a guardian. Raven, when I asked why she had been so awful, said it was because she was crazy. All I saw was a mean, spiteful bitch and called her on it, telling her she had acted deliberately and had ruined my chances.
Next thing I know, she’s running off out the door. I went down to the pier for awhile, debating which boat to take, thinking it might help to fight awhile.
I returned from Atil only to run into Raven again. Turns out she talked to her father, trying to take the blame, and clear my name. Her advice is that I be a damn angel around her father from here on out.
She’s actually not bad away from her father; much calmer and willing to talk. I gather that not many spend a great deal of time with her; else she wouldn’t have wasted her conversation on me.
K’Ellena met up with us, as did
I was surprised to find they’ve only recently met, more so that they’ve never fought together, and shocked that sweet little K’Ellena is an absolute mercenary at the hunt.
Entry 6
I saw Raven for just a short time. She and I shared a table, drinking nothing stronger than water. I like that about her. She’s not overly concerned about appearance or how it might be taken to turn down a drink.
Conversation was a bit awkward, but it felt good not to be the flatterer. I enjoyed being able to simply sit, not feeling the need or pressure to come up with witty praise. I’m not sure that I want to tell Raven, but I thank her for telling me not to praise her. Perhaps I’ve found someone that will accept me as the simple man I am, if I can ever rediscover who that man is. So much of my life has been trained to impress, yet I don’t feel my life has had meaning. I’ve always been “little Adam,” the cute one, the one that says sweet things, pat me on the head… It still astounds me that Rin sees me as more than that. It surprises me that most of the women here look at me as more than the unsure boy I feel I am inside.
It would be nice to know more of Raven’s opinion. She’s civil, yet I don’t know that she truly cares one way or the other. I guess I should be content in having someone who really doesn’t care how I behave. For the first time, I have encountered someone with no expectations or preconceived notions of me.
Entry 7
I’ve met with Rusoko Smith a few times now. She seems to have been under the impression that I was interested in more than a friendship, even going so far as to kiss me. Rather forward of her, but pleasant. It disturbs me a great deal to consider my fair Rin had she come upon the situation. I intended nothing more by my compliments than what they were, yet Ru seemed to sense more. Maybe there could have been more. She’s a beautiful woman with unique features. She carries dragon blood, and bears the heritage in some of her structure.
I thought on our evening for some time, wondering how best to tell her of my lady without also losing her friendship. When I ran into her out at Atil, I was able to insert a casual comment about Rin. Perhaps I wasn’t as clear as I should have been, but I feel better for having mentioned Rin to her. Perhaps we might become friends yet, in which I might confide my thoughts. I sorely miss that.
Entry 8
I met up with Rusoko and her friend Lei’ulf returning from the goblin caves. On a wild whim, I joined them in returning to the caves for a quick adventure. It bothers me that they leave the bodies without stripping them of their goods. So many things that I could sell, putting me that much closer to buying a home for myself and Rin.
But, I digress. Ru claimed to have felt the earth shake and became anxious to return to the city with great haste. I’m wishing now I had never listened to her. As bad as the caves were, the situation in Arleah was much worse. She ran with Lei to help put out a fire while I was stopped by Sergeant Vetinari. He and Raven were extremely tense as he asked me to follow to the plateau. My first thought was that I was in trouble again, but now…I only wish it had been me in trouble.
Raven approached K’Ellena with a bloody bag, telling her that no one would ever hurt her, that Raven would always look out for her, that Kel should look in the bag. Turns out that Raven killed her own mother, cutting her head from her body, burning the body, hence the fire. K’Ellena refused my support, running off, and Sergeant Vetinari arrested his own daughter for murder. He gave me charge of the head until things could be settled.
Even now,
my stomach is not settled. Lady Felor tried to
resurrect the woman with no luck, then she,
To hear that Raven was now in the hold, that K’Ellena had run off, then that nothing could be done for the woman was bad enough. But to see the pain and defeat and weariness on the sergeant…
When he took the head for burial, I bid Lady Felor a goodbye, hoping for better times, and took myself out to Atil. I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t comport myself as a noble lord should. I raged, I yelled, and wrought bloody havoc on anything I came across. I truly hate my lot in life this moment. This stinking water-logged cess pool has done little to foster kind thoughts of the place. I want something better. I want something stable. I want my family. As I sit here deep in my cups, I want Rin. In substitute, I shall lose the memories in this god’s awful swill.
Entry 9
New housing has opened in the city! It’s little more than a room above the lodge, but it’s more affordable than a full home. The only other homes I’ve heard were available were in Phaethredun. I like Arleah, and the space wouldn’t be any less than I would have been accorded had I stayed in Drikelldorn.
Opportunities for homes are few and for funding even less. I’ve set about trying to raise the necessary gold. Rather daunting to think I’ll need 100,000 gold pieces when I’m now just over 30,000.
Entry 9.1
Drake again pledges to assist me in my endeavor. Truly, a good man. His help alone has been invaluable, but then we met up with Baphomet (a wonderful woman!) and she traveled with us as well.
Drake seemed unhappy with my manner towards Baphomet, but I am unsure why. I treated her with no less than the highest regard.
When Baphomet found that I was attempting to garner funds, she and Drake both allowed me the take of our findings. Would that I could repay them!
We had parted ways from each other, only for me to meet Baphomet again as we restocked healing supplies. The dear woman gave me several items to sell, as well as several rings. I had thought to have only a plain copper ring for Rin, and now find myself in possession of both silver and gold.
Just from the few sales I’ve made, I’m now over 2/3 to my goal, and I still have several items to be relieved of.
I enjoyed my visit alone with Baphomet. Not only is she gracious and generous, but she too walks the path my life has set me on. She has willingly offered to share what knowledge she has, as has another man by the name of Bao.
For the first time in months, I feel that I am starting to truly belong. The only wish I still have is that I could spend more time with Rin. She and I have been so busy these last weeks and I feel so much has changed in my life. I often feel very different from the boy I was not a year past.
Entry 10
I have met a few other good men. Decon is a ranger. He’s very generous in letting me take our findings, even though I repeatedly offered him a share. John (another normal name for me!) is like Rin. They both follow the arcane. He’s new to the area, and I finally felt useful to another, rather than a hindrance. I was able to show him a few things, give him a few items of protection for himself. When he asked, I told him it was simply to honor the good folks who had once done the same for me. I hope to cross paths with him again.
I discovered I am now strong enough to handle the orc caves on my own, which was quite a surprise. I accumulated quite a few items from the bodies, selling them to put me over 80,000 gold pieces. I grow ever nearer to my first goal.
My dream is to purchase our home, and propose to her there. I am nervous about the actual proposal, especially as we’ve spent so little time together as of late. I worry sometimes that perhaps her feelings have changed on the matter. Or worse, perhaps mine have. I trust that this is simply cold feet I now feel, but am determined to see this done. I won’t be my father. I won’t turn my back on a woman, dishonoring her through my own actions with her.
Entry 11
I went out with Drake again, picking up plenty of odds and ends. I had come close to my goal – only 4,000 from the necessary funds, when Drake told me he was giving me an early gift for my marriage: 7,000 gold pieces. I’m lucky to count him among my good friends.
We made our way back to Arleah, restocking our healing supplies, then ran into Captain Vr’urk. Drake and I were given our third test towards entering the guardians. We were taken out of the city and set against water elementals and dire bears; monstrous things that sorely depleted us. Drake and I both fell before the onslaught of several of the beasts. I was sure that the captain would turn us away, tell us to continue training, try again later. I think Drake was as surprised as I was that the captain accepted our attempt, passing us on our test on the condition that we continue to train daily. My week could hardly get any better!
On our way back into town, we ran into Sergeant Vetinari. He was glad for our accomplishments. He seems disinclined towards the idea of marriage, but was happy enough for me when I mentioned that I was on my way to see about a home and proposing to Rin.
A few words were exchanged on his views, which upset Drake and made me uncomfortable. Remembering Raven’s words to be a “damn angel” in her father’s presence, Drake was easily repeating the same dumb words I had unknowingly said before. I finally convinced him to let it go, and told them both a bit about Rin. Of course, Drake doesn’t like magic, so was frowning to find that Rin works with the arcane.
Vetinari seemed to find my plight amusing, to be so enamored of one woman, but I can’t help myself. I do love the woman and can’t wait to see her again, if for nothing else than to settle for myself that we truly belong together.
Entry 11.1
I have a home!
Entry 11.2
She’s as beautiful as I remember. For some reason, I tend to forget how tiny she is! But to hold her close again…ah, the joy! We had an enjoyable visit together, only made more so when I suggested we dress up for the evening.
I finally said the words; I told her that I loved her, and she cried. I didn’t expect that reaction! She returned the sentiment, setting my course. I knew in that moment that I would be asking for her hand this evening. She wanted to help in paying for our home, and I had a hard time not smiling. I told her I’d rather her money go towards making a place feel like a home. At that point, I blindfolded her, leading her up the stairs.
She unknowingly lightened the moment for me when she lifted the hem of her dress, exposing her bare feet. The dear woman does things that make no sense to me at times, but only endear her further to me.
I led her into our new home, kneeling before her. Only then did I let her take the blindfold off. I extended the silver ring before her, saying that she was important to me and that I had always wanted only the best for her, that I loved her and would love to have her as my wife if she’d have me. She looked around in shock before taking the ring and agreeing! We’re to be married!
Rin was in wonder as she wandered about, running her hands along books, and furniture, as amazed as I that we now have a place to call home. She made me smile when she took her pack, dumping everything all over the floor to sort through before putting things away in chests and drawers. Seems she needed this place even more than I did! I’m glad I could make her so happy.
We had an amazing evening as we “christened” our new space. I know I fell asleep on her, which bothers me a bit. She never seems to sleep. I don’t know if it’s because she’s an elf or what, but at least she humors me, letting me hold her as I sleep.
I’m to be married! My life is slowly becoming settled.
Entry 12
We’ve picked a location, and sort of decided to try to find Cleric Felor to perform the ceremony.
Entry 13
I’ve passed the final test to become a guardian cadet! I met with Dante, now the Captain, for my interview. I was rather nervous, but had no trouble with the questions. Easy things like what I thought the guardians were and did, how did I see them working with the Silver Knights, was there ever a time that the needs of the people would override the law. Everything was fairly straightforward, and I answered as I believed in my own soul. Captain Dante congratulated me on being honest and forthright, not trying to tell him what I thought he’d want to hear, but only the truth as I saw it.
Entry 14
Distance and Baphomet have both mentioned that I should seek out Bao, that perhaps he would be able to guide me, give me some answers to the things that trouble me. I enjoyed my visit with him, and was given some reading to do. The man thinks quite like I do. I told him how I felt out of balance, how I felt that sometimes, the law couldn’t help being out of balance, but that I couldn’t reconcile that fact in my mind. He understood what I was feeling; telling me it was some kind of energy called ki. No one has ever related to that something else I’ve always felt. It was something to have a person finally give it a name, make it real, let me know I wasn’t crazy.
He invited me along with Distance to practice my martial skill, showing him what little I had. He was surprised, telling me that I was more advanced than I had thought. Bao said it was good that I wasn’t so full of myself, that I realized I had limitations, and didn’t know everything. He showed me a skill and talent I could only hope to match.
I can’t wait to finish the reading and visit him again.
Entry 15
I met for a philosophy discussion with Bao. I didn’t realize at the time, but three days managed to slip by while we talked! We covered nine volumes of books, often times going back and forth between them. I couldn’t believe the books when I read them, they were so like my thinking, then to visit with Bao…I enjoyed the time immensely, for the first time feeling like something in this world was right. This was the study I had been denied back home.
I was offered the opportunity to join the Dojo of Tzee, and after asking my responsibilities (study, meditation, and assisting others such as the Guardians, rangers and druids when necessary) I agreed. There is no stipulation of staying chaste, so Rin and I can still marry. I was given the robes, told to wear them at all times, except in private.
Now I only hope Rin will be okay with my decision. That, and I need to talk to Captain Dante about leaving the guardians.
Entry 16
Raven’s wedding day. I had trouble deciding on a gift, finally getting her a few pretty gems. Not the fanciest of gifts, but money has been tight of late. It was either that, or I would have bought her daggers. Although she would have loved the daggers, not exactly a proper wedding present.
I had a note in the mail from Sensei Bao asking that I represent the Dojo at the wedding. I was honored! To have been among them such a short time, and to be asked to do this task.
Dante was unceremoniously dumped before Raven, naked and a mess. Someone named Serier is out to hurt the family, from my understanding. And what a day to do it! Then to add insult to injury, he had taken all of Captain Dante’s personal belonging. He didn’t have his uniform for the service, and no one else seemed to have anything appropriate. Robes or plain armor. I offered him my formal reds, seeing as I no longer wear them anyway. He was grateful to at least have something presentable and more suited to a wedding. I happily told him to keep the clothing.
The service was beautifully done, reinforcing the decision Rin and I had made to have Felor do our own. I asked her afterwards, she happily agreeing.
I also spoke with Dante about leaving the guardians. I know the timing wasn’t great, but I also needed to speak on behalf of the Dojo. I was told that I would be welcome back any time I chose to return, and that he was disappointed to lose me. It was hard to say no, but I know the path I’m on now suits me better. At least, this moment it does. I am happy in my decision to study under Sensei Bao.
I gave the couple my gift, sensei’s well wishes, and was surprised to receive a hug from Raven. She’s never so much as brushed against me! They seem very happy together, and I wish them the best.
Entry 16.1
I returned to the city to find a child looking for his mother and a friend. Before long there was a talking badger playing with the child. Perogrin the badger and Peregrin the boy. Then the friend showed up. Rambunctious and full of energy, they played and played. The badger become Perogrin the man, the fiance of Drake’s ward! We played tag, roughhousing, then…they were gone. Moski and Baphomet were standing there, telling us we had been turned to statues. We looked around, but found no sign of the kids.
More than glad I was no longer in the guardians, I ran into Raven’s wedding party at the lodge on my way home. I thought to meditate, perhaps determine a course of action. The daft girl took her new husband, to spend their honeymoon searching for the kids! All I could do was shake my head.
Entry 17
I am loath to say that I have given little thought to this journal these past months. I’ve been home little, spending time in meditation and dealing with some anger.
The city was taken over by another kingdom. I have no problem with who rules the city or who doesn’t, but Rin was there. I wasn’t home when Rin left that afternoon. I wasn’t even in Arleah. I never said goodbye to her. She left our home and walked into the fires raining down on the city. She tried to use her magics to help in defense, but she
I don’t like to even write the words. Koli, playful, sweet, annoying little pixie – she’s the one that managed to bring Rin’s Enclave staff to me. Poor little fae. Looking back, it had to almost do her in to tell me. Lirindas died in the battles. There. Lirindas died. I’ve written it. I still don’t want to be here, with reminders every time I walk in the door.
Entry 18
Drake has agreed to room with me. At least I’ll have another presence in the room now. I finally cleared Rin’s things out, giving them to outlying families. I still spend more time at the Dojo than at home, but it’s getting a bit easier. That, and I’ve met this woman. Her mind is like a trap! I’ve never felt a pull like I did with her. I actually wanted to go back to speak further with her, even as my feet led me away. I’m not sure what it was, but
I’m a bit foolish even thinking this. I’ve only recently come to an understanding with my loss. What’s worse, I have a feeling that my thoughts before I proposed may have had some merit. I don’t think we had ever truly bonded, not in the way that would have heralded a visit from the Lights.
And Adora – even her name makes me smile – she listened to the flattery that I can’t seem to stop from coming from my mouth. I hope I haven’t lost the chance to visit with her again. To find a mind as like suited to my own and to lose it because of the way I had been trained to treat ladies…I’ll be upset with my upbringing if I lose the chance for someone like that to discuss things with. Drake is a solid friend, but he isn’t one for mental games. He prefers to settle things, keep it black and white. This lady likes the puzzles and challenges of the mind.
Entry 19
Again, time has lapsed. I’ve been
in this place almost two full years. I often wonder how the battle ended back
home. Did my brothers get home? Did little
I look out the window of my room and miss the sky of home. Twin moons should hang heavy on the horizon. The horizon should be full of fields of gold and amber, not water and ships. I look over my living space, missing the care of my family. So much here is still strange and foreign to me.
There are notes tucked into the back of this book from Adora. She’s done so much when I’ve asked for nothing from her. She’s been through so much and I am helpless to take the pain from her. A man that had once wished to marry her has ill-treated her tender emotions and left her wary of others, with little joy for life. It heartens me to see the small gestures she has been leaving within my space.
I would only admit it to these pages, but I’m glad she convinced Timon to let her in and that she kept a key that day. Her touch is evident here, making the space once again seem livable. Quilts warm my bed, a favored water lily seems to have become the flower of choice between us, due to a swimming incident one day, and a key – a very special key I keep on my person. Adora’s Heart.
I’ve thought long on what to do about my own thoughts about her, and decided to follow the course of most logic: I do nothing. I simply allow the currents of life to take their path. The will of the Lights, the way of the All, whatever we call it, it will set my feet on the course I am to follow if I only let it. I’ll simply enjoy the moments I have with her, not thinking or worrying for tomorrow.
Entry 20
My time in the Dojo remains pleasant. I enjoy the training- both mental and physical. I’ve even been daring enough to speak to one named Ashes about joining us. He was heartened enough to go to Master Bao, even after my attempts to explain things.
Shara and Arall are something to watch at their practice. The ease they have in their movements I can only hope to one day achieve. But by the same token, it’s good to be judged solely on my own merits, not how I do compared to others.
Adora has become a center in my life of late. Without knowing how or why, she has slipped into my thoughts and dreams. She seems to always be little more than a thought away, as if I could turn at a moment and see her at my side. I continue to honor her, to keep her on a pedestal. As hard as it is, I refuse to dishonor this lady. She deserves all the love and respect I’d offer one of our Elements. She’s more beautiful than Lady Water, and as gracious and fun as Lord Air. She’s as smart and intelligent as Fate, and as elusive as Time.
Even more than when I was with Rin, I love this woman. Even more than my own, she is my life. However I got here, no matter how much I miss home, I praise the Immortals that saved me from Death and sent me to this woman. I thank the Guardian of Gates for allowing me to come here.
I feel a fool to write these words, but honestly, I’m not sure I would be able to function without her…even the thought of her death feels like a knife in my heart. How do I tell her how overwhelming this feeling has come to be? How do I not look the idiot in stumbling over my feelings?
Entry 21
I proposed to her. I didn’t go into all the things that make up the reasons why I need her. Hells, I’m not even sure I told her I love her. I certainly showed her, taking my kisses and touches further than I should have. Lights be praised, to keep myself from taking that final step… And over the next weeks, she has sorely tempted me. Having her in my living space is both bane and blessing. To have the constant reminder of her is soothing to me; to have the nearness of her scent, the thousands of little things that speak of soft femininity, wants me to take her to my arms and my bed.
I’ve gathered from something she mentioned to Master Bao that she may have been with a former fiance a time or two, but my only concern over it is that he would so dishonor her, then continue to keep her emotions in turmoil over a twelve year period. Yet another reason I won’t do that to her, though it grows harder with each passing day. I’ve set my goal to be when we finally set the wedding date.
Once that date is set and someone is found to officiate, all bets are off. I won’t chase her to my bed, but I refuse to feel guilty after that point if we find ourselves in each others arms.
Entry 22
Adora wants to build a home. I agree ~ the idea of something we ourselves have made, with the assistance of our friends, is much more welcoming than a standard lodging.
She found land near Phaethredun that still runs wild and wished me to look at it. We raced each other from the boat, until I caught her to me. Then we made our way, hand in hand, through rolling green country sides. Areas of golden grains and crystalline coast lines came and went until we topped a rise to see a lonely home below.
Darkness had begun to creep up on us as we made our way through weeds and wildflowers towards the home. A dog heralded our arrival to the cottage. Light glowed warmly from a window, highlighting the domestic details of flower beds and personal gardens.
A man stepped out as Adora called, “Hello house!” After a slight pause he responded, “Hello the road!” They were suspicious and said they didn’t take kindly to strangers.
Dora offered assistance as we could. They seemed to warm a bit when they heard I was of the monks and she a cleric of the great mother as well as a surgeon over in Phaeth. Still, they wanted to know why we’d choose land outside of the city. Dora put it nicely, saying that the real work and people were outside the city, out in the hills.
They seemed to like that, inviting us in to look at a younger man’s wife. Turned out that bandits had been frequenting the area, had attacked the woman and killed their little daughter. She had the man tell me of the troubles as she went in to see to the woman.
It was no wonder it was so quiet about the area! Bandits were attacking at irregular intervals, the passes had been overrun with orcs and giants. They had resigned themselves to no help and watching the woman die.
When I went in to help Dora, I found the woman in a room stinking of gangrenous ills. Dora healed her, as only she can, taking the ills onto herself. I cleaned up behind us, noting Adora growing weaker and paler by the moment. I got her out into the air, only for her to sit to inspect the brackish smelling ills still upon a towel. Whispered words called the components forth, the liquid forming into a strange spider, the like of which I’d never seen, before collapsing and dissolving within itself.
Before I could think much on what I had seen, the illness claimed Adora. I followed her around the back of the homestead, holding her hair back, supporting her weight as she began to retch. Had this been normal, no problem ~ I had helped many a small child through worse ~ but my love began to retch and spew forth spiders. I can easily take most things in stride, but spiders? Lights be praised, it took everything in me to stand still as the vile things continued to come from her. And not dead, no! I couldn’t even be that lucky. The damn things skittered and climbed around and over us.
At least she felt herself again once the vile things had purged from her system.
Entry 23
I know it drives Dora nuts that I don’t rest like I should. I’ve never slept well unless I’m exhausted…it used to take me hours of reading or long hours of thinking. Having Master Bao label this as “meditation” has been great. It allows me to rest while still being focused on everything around me. This was a help when she needed to sleep to fully recover from her ordeal.
We had rested at a campsite for the night, and were cleaning up the next morning in a nearby stream. I wish to Lights I had just taken her all the way home. A twig snap alerted me to company, and as I turned, a band of men came from the woods, encircling us. Some jerk – the leader, I’m guessing – dark, tall, with a moustache; slipped up behind Dora, putting a blade to her throat.
Now, I’m the first to say I don’t tend to get upset often about things – most things aren’t worth the wasted energy – but when someone holds a blade to my love’s neck and comments on how nice it will be to have “entertainment,” no. Simply, no. I refuse to be with her carnally; I refuse to let anyone else think they have the right. The hell with my Dojo training. I saw red and reacted. The blade flashed, biting her neck, drawing blood as she screamed at me to watch myself.
It killed me to see the panic on her face, to see the thin trickle of blood running down her neck. I watched her bite the man’s hand, only to have him knock her unconscious with the hilt of his sword. I saw him pass her off to a large half-orc as the man twirled into the shadows, disappearing.
Unable to think, I was only able to react. I have never found a centered, grounded place as fast as I did then, emptying my mind of everything but the movements directed towards me. As three fell, I saw the leader again, at the side of the half-orc as they tied my Dora to a tree. Others surrounded them, and I again moved to attack. I felt the sting of a bolt hit my leg, but had no time to register the pain. I had to get to Adora. Three more men went down before me as Adora awoke, casting some spell of protection upon me. The orc was hit a few times, then he and the dark leader disappeared, living to fight another day.
I freed my Dora, only to discover the blades they had carried were coated in a fine poison…the same poison that had infected the woman she had cured. Dora’s clerical skills healed me, and I wish to the Lights she hadn’t. She took on my pain as she fell unconscious, only for me to see a trace of the poison on the wound at her neck. I now have her home, but the guilt eats at me as I see her so still. Perhaps if she hadn’t healed me, she’d have had enough strength to bring herself back. I need to find a cure now. Fast.
Entry 24
Time being of the essence, I found Raven. For some reason, she was the first I thought of in deaing with this. She tends to know ins and information most would overlook. I showed her the notes and drawings of brickspiders in Adora’s journal, along with what little had been entered about the poison and herbs that may counter it. The last thing written aobut it was Dora asking “Could this be the poison of the Brickspider? The same poison found on the blade of a weapon of a newly unearthed drow in the Underdark?”
She wanted to know why Dora would be researching such a thing. I told her the story, only for her at the end to ask if I had the blade. I felt incredibly stupid having to admit that keeping one of the blades hadn’t even crossed my mind. Dora’s crumpled form, so pale, so still…my thoughts were to only get her away at the time.
Raven immediately wanted to go. As we disembarked, she readied her daggers and called her familiar – a bird to match her name. We moved on through the deceptive calm and peace of the area until we found the cold remains of our campfire. What had seemed to be protective trees and majestic mountains now appeared as only looming, impending doom.
I don’t know if it amazed me more to see the dead bodies still strewn about or the know that my bare fists had taken them down. I’ve had military training, and I know that my training at the Dojo has prepared me for defensive maneuvers like this, but still…And then for Raven to be impressed with my skill…Hm. It was odd to have the dead be so at odds with the beautiful lands, their blood almost a strike against the perfection of the area. All I could see was the memory of her struggle and the chaos of those eternal moments.
It was interesting to stand guard over Raven as she conducted a search of the area through her familiar’s eyes. I’ve never seen anyone do that. But, it produced nothing, so she conducted a search of the bodies laying about. Everyone of them carried a vial of the poison.
Her next step was tracking. It frustrates me to feel so inept at this. I have someone that’s become my whole world and I can’t do a damned thing right to help her. My one exception was in going to Raven. Once again, I’m lucky to have chosen her to be family to me.
We followed tracks up into the hills as the full moon rose, making the mist from the harbor shimmer about us. The night sounds of chirping and such were the only other sounds besides her boots upon the ground as we moved.
Whatever she was tracking was lost as we hit a muddied area. Even I could see prints in the mud with no real direction. Our salvation actually came from the training elves had once given me in flora. I noticed the torn branches and trampled weeds, with an impossibly large footprint beneath them, heading further west…towards a campfire in the distance.
We moved through the darkening night, and she surprised me yet again. She removed her boots and literally slipped into the shadows, disappearing for long moments. When she reappeared it was to motion me towards an outcropping. A mass of bodies moved below us. Random mumblings came to us, letting us know that those below were less then happy about their work, some even refusing to stand guard duty. When I mentioned it to Raven, her response was that they would be a lot less happy when she found out who was using drow poison.
That was the first she’d said anything about drow being involved. Seems I’m fated to run into elves of dark intentions. The elves of home had driven us to battle, aligning elves with humans, forcing them to choose between us, and others of their own race. Now I again stood, putting Raven in that position: side with me, or those of her heritage. She chose me. Not out of any deep love or anything. I think it was more that she hated them that much, though I know not why.
An elf further above us caught Raven’s attention. As we turned, he sent a rope tumbling towards us, he gracefully making his way down it to our ledge. He asked if we had found trouble when Raven swore, letting me know of hill giants below. We told him briefly of our troubles, and he offered to help, since somehow my Tzee robes marked me as worthy in his eyes. Whatever the reason, Ist’rian was a welcome addition to what we faced.
He offered the ranged protection of his bow as Raven pulled her rapier. I was amazed at the man’s ability to communicate in simple hand gestures, asking to verify how many we would be facing. It was then we noticed the huge cavern and the ttwo large granite doors covered in moss.
Raven came up behind the giant, her blade going right through its neck, while Ist’rian and I covered with bows and bolts. Then I heard the noise. Thudding noises from inside the cave, coming closer to the damn doors. My concern then was for Raven and, heedless of my own safety, I scrambled down to a very angry Raven, yelling for her to get back.
Another elf joined us, drawn by the noise. Estairi asked nothing, just threw his lot in with us. The noise grew, thumping and voices, all of it creating a small avalanche around us. An arrow flew at the door, I’m sure from Ist’rian, but there was no time for retreat. Raven pulled a second rapier as I fell into a ready stance.
Raven swore at us, wanting us to run, but I wouldn’t leave her. With Ist’rian’s bow for cover, I made her run. The sand and pebbles were coming faster now. The smell of burning flesh hit us as the doors began to part. Raven slid into the shadows and Ist’rian sang something, cloaking the rest of us in invisibility, just as these six giants came through, coming after us. Raven’s rapiers slammed into their scabbards, and we ran like hell. Unfortunately, we all ran in different directions to start with.
As we found each other, heading further up the hillside, bard-song from Ist’rian laid traps below us. Only then, as we watched the giants fumble below, did we discuss what it was I had and what I needed. The elves read the journal, remarking that the drow symbol of the spider had also been on the granite doors we had seen. And they said they had little choice but to gain entrance to the cave if we were to save my Dora. I am humbled that men I’ve just met would be willing to risk themselves for a woman they’ve never met.
They told me how the giants were often slaves of drow and how the drow favored spiders and the symbolism of nests before fey energy began to flow around Estairi and some small incantion made Ist’rian’s arrows glow. His sure-footed agility showed itself as he jumped between crags and boulders, pegging the giants as quickly as my shurikens and Raven’s bolts found their marks.
As we found safety again, Ist’rian asked to see the journal one more time. Laying another sheet of parchment over her notes, he sang some melody my brother Kyle would have loved, the magic in his voice bringing an exact copy to the formerly blank page. He did that with each page, then swore to find out what he could in asking others what they’d know of the poison and spider; Raven took the poisons, planning to solve what it was; Estairi would ask of the Enclave and search its library. That left me. All I have to offer at this point is my time and care to Adora.
I swear, my Dora, by all I hold dear – we will bring you back.
Entry 25
I have been promoted from Initiate, to Monk, and now Disciple within the Dojo. Bao has become the Grand Master, leaving for his homeland, leaving Sensei Baphomet as the new Master. Sensei Saman has yet to be seen by me, so effectively, we have no Senseis to train us.
Adora is still unconscious. I fear she slides further from my touch all the time. I feel her presence strongly around me most times, and worry that she will slip the bonds of her body for the freedom Kyle used to speak of when his soul would travel the paths of the spirit realm.
I know that we have met several times during the dark of night, when my own soul slips most easily from it’s bonds. I now know what Kyle spoke of with his wife – the bond they forged when their souls met and joined. He had told me I would one day find a woman like that, being I was so like him. I have found her. Adora is truly my other half. I don’t think my heart would go on without her. I feel her presence even when we aren’t together.
I’ve asked a brother from the Dojo to join me in my search. I need the strength of at least one of my second family for the coming trials. Ashes Ming Wu is a breath of fresh air to me. He is impulsive and doesn’t always think things through, but he enjoys the thrill of the game, he enjoys training when we keep it light. Since training the body is more Disciple Riegn’s thing anyway, we’re happy to simply test our own limits, having fun while we do so. I’m hoping he can help me keep some perspective while we go about this search.
Entry 26
I searched the area again, and met up with a man. He resembled another I knew once that worked as an assassin. He carried himself in the same manner, dressed similar…oddly enough, even had the same dark hair. Only difference was this one had a nervous habit of looking over his shoulder, as if he expected to be attacked from behind. He told me to forget about Adora, let her go…he then mentioned that his mistress would never tell me of the antidote, that she watched and saw everything. That at least explained his nervousness. When asked he told me his mistress was beyond the stone doors we had seen. It was only moments later he faded into the shadows, seeming to be terrified of repercussions for saying as much as he did.
Entry 27
I gathered together the few of us that were working on a cure. We left Adora within the foundations of the home we are building, moving on into the foothills. Ashes and Raven had to remove a trap from the doors while I and the elves fought off giants and orcs.
I was doubly glad to have Ashes when Raven chose him to go with her for a first foray into the caves. I know she often prefers to work alone, and I felt better knowing Ashes would be at her side.
They returned to say the way was free of traps, but the halls were infested with spiders. I shudder to even write about them. If they were small spiders, I could handle it, but these things are like those on the southern pass in Arleah…half my size. Nothing natural about the beasts. Then to find a drider at the heart of things.
There’s another new thing: driders. Half drow, half spider. I can’t imagine it being a natural creature. This one thought to whine and tease us, to not give over the antidote after saying it was available. I’m afraid I lost my temper. I let reason slip away from me and I began demanding it be handed over. Were it not for Raven and Ashes, I would have done more than demand. I truly wanted to use my fists for something other than defense.
Yet, I could say it was in defense, couldn’t I? I was trying to defend the life of my love. We were at long last, with Raven’s help, given the means for the antidote. We took the antidote back, giving it to Adora, even knowing that we would only have about three hours to find the final part of the solution. She knew the way, as I had no doubt she would.
We were told to go on to the tomb of a king. A long hidden, buried place…we were all awed by the power and majesty, even as the kingdom lay in ruins, shrouded in moss. An elven city that had been long lost to history was revealed to us. Collumns lay in mossy beds of stagnant water, the pale brick beneath our feet echoed hollow in our ears. With great caution, not wanting to disturb anything, I followed the lead of the elves. The respect and honor they showed the place told me there was more to the story. They seemed to know a story of ages past that spoke of this place. I had no idea what it was, but followed in their wake, not wishing to upset them or their belief of what the place was.
We entered a room then that had a circular area rising above us, towering over us, steps upon steps leading up to it. With respect, I followed the elves, Adora resting weakly in my arms. I set her upon the sarcophagus at the top. Over and around the coffin grew wild flowers, tiny white blooms. They all seemed to know what it was that grew there, or the importance of said flower, I knew only that that flower was the salvation of my Dora. She was to eat three of them. Three tiny blooms that would bring her fully to life and back to my arms.
As the bloom of health rose in her cheeks, she got to her feet as the elves pushed open the sarcophagus, seeming to search for something. Raven left, going outside again, as they found tomes of books under the head of the dead man inside. They were excited, I thought it was strange, and I had no idea where Ashes had gone off to. I took Adora home. I’ve spent long hours now simply watching her sleep in peace.
Entry 28
Things have been moving too fast of late. I had to reconcile my mind to the fact that Riegn has become Sensei of the Body. I’ll admit to some jealousy that she was promoted, even though I don’t want the position she has.
Master Baphomet has been pushing me in my training, to the point I’m often exhausted. I’ve never really recovered from the lack of sleep while caring for Adora, so I’ve only recently started to notice how much more tired I am. I’m sure Master Baph has good reason, though I don’t see it yet.
Sensei Riegn and Archmage Yraelen hit a discordant rhythm within me the other day as well. She doesn’t seem to understand the mind and the body will act in accordance, if all else in your life is balanced. She seems to think that if she meditates on how to respond to hypothetical situations, she’ll be better prepared to deal with situations in the future. Can’t she see that if we are so focused on the one response, the one movement, we won’t and can’t be ready for the next movement to come. If we are so focused on the first attack, the body can’t be ready for the second. But, as we have no Sensei of the Mind, and I am no Sensei, I digress. I have no place to tell her how to act.
Yraelen…I’d have to say this is the first time I’ve ever felt like truly hitting someone. He had done something I’m sure he felt justified in, yet the place and means were wrong. Innocents not involved should not have to be subjected to the death of another. When I tried to make his see this, he responded by telling me I was an idiot to think that way, that my ideas were stupid, and the order and balance which make up my life? “The hell with balance.” I have never in my life been so angry. Not at my brothers, not at my father, not at the manor I trained at.
I went home, tried to calm down, but my frustration overwhelmed me. I’m afraid I now have a hole in the wall of my apartment where I put my fist through it.
Entry 29
Our home continues to rise. We’ve put many hours into the building, and it’s been fun to visit with friends as construction progresses. Drake has helped quite a bit at my side, giving us a chance to visit about our lives and things we’ve been through. I find it interesting that we are of a like age and both have brothers named Kyle.
Events from my last entry still troubled me, and Adora planned an amazing meal in our new backyard to help ease my mind. I didn’t realize how troubled she’d become over the discussion, or how things would relate back to the loss of her own family.
In an effort to comfort and ease each other, we went too far. We finally reached a point where we could no sooner stay apart than we could live without air. We needed each other, and would only feel complete by coming together.
Damn my lack of conviction! I never meant to do that. I never meant…
Okay, between me and these pages, I WANTED to. I have never wanted a woman as much as want and need Adora. And, I’d never say this to anyone, but I’ve never felt as at ease or in tune with the world as I did in those moments after our lovemaking. I’d like to say this was a one time thing, that I won’t go near her again til the ring rests upon her finger…but I won’t lie to myself.
Kyle, Drake…deal with it. I want her and I’m not guilty to have had her. She is finer than any wine, finer than the clarity of the best music. My only twinge of guilt is that I didn’t even think about a child. I’ll pray to the gods, the Lights, whatever might listen, that she will not be so tarnished by my lapse in need for her.
I need to get this wedding moving. I need to make her mine. I need to have the world know that what we have is ordained, right, and perfect.
Entry 30
Drake and I have been working quite a bit on the roof of my new home. Dora has been working at the landscaping and some of the interior walls. It was nice to see Drake’s lady arrive with him the other afternoon. Lady Llethan is one of the Silver Knights, and seems quite a contrast to his proper knightly manner. She has that same quality about her, but she tends more to laughter and hijinxs than I’ve ever seen in Drake. I can see why he’d like her though. She’s good for him.
While we were working, I found that Drake and Llethan have themselves become betrothed…and I was hard pressed to keep from smiling when I found that Drake has discovered why it’s hard to keep from becoming intoxicated by my own lady. Seems he’s almost slipped in his own life, what with Llethan being a constant temptation to him now. He was most uncomfortable telling me of this, but at least he’s more forgiving now of my own transgressions.
Speaking of which, seems Dora and I had a near miss. Luckily, there won’t be a child yet, but we’re both trying to maintain some sense of propriety until the wedding now. Hard to do when she now sleeps at my side every night. She agrees that the wedding should take place by the time we finish our home.
Sounds like she’s planning some grand event…lots of people and such. Guess we’ll see if I still have the manners I was taught back at home; see if I can move through crowds, smile, and seem comfortable around large groups. I hated it then, and still dislike crowds, but for Dora…I’ll do anything. I can bear one day of discomfort if I know it will bring her so much joy. Most importantly…we’ll be together after that day. So long as I keep that in the fore of my thoughts, I’ll have no trouble getting through the event.
Entry 31
Master Baphomet has left us. She said it had something to do with her Elven heritage, and kept asking that her race didn’t bother me. I know I was looking at her, but it was the first time in the five years I’ve known her for her to be without her face covered. She’s a very pretty lady.
She is leaving Sensei Riegn in charge of things, asking that I assist for the time being. It has been expressed several times that I would be a likely candidate for the Sensei of the Mind. I would never have considered this a few years ago, but I find myself doing the demands of this position more and more of late anyway. And I enjoy it.
Riegn and I have spoken at length on what needs to be done now. The Dojo is coming apart at the seems; not totally unexpected when one considers all the changes in policy and leadership for us of late. We are going to institute a frame of time in which all members or interested parties will be able to find us at the Dojo. We will also use that time to train and learn from each other.
The issue with the war has been another concern. We have been told over and over that we are to remain neutral, that we are to abstain from fighting. But we agree that this is not a state of balance to all. Some of our members, Riegn included, feel a strong need to help set things right. If our own inner sense of balance feels it, shouldn’t we be part of the solution?
I’m on the other side. I prefer to think, to consider the paths of peace first. But I work from the mind, Riegn from the body. We have decided to reconsider our policies in the coming months, as we adjust to each other, our ideals, and the need to return and gather members to the Dojo.
Overwhelming
sadness came to me with all of this. For the first time in the years I’ve been
here, I was mired in homesickness. I’m not a leader; I never have been. Yet
here I am in the midst of things, trying to help establish a working system
with other guilds. Our part in the
Entry 32
Odd memories have come to me of late. Of men and women that I don’t recall meeting before. For the most part these have been flashes of people that smile and laugh. It seems this happened while I healed – perhaps they were the mage-healers that had been on the battlefield. Perhaps, considering how pleasant the memories, the battle I once thought lost was won. How else could I explain these not-memories?
The war came to Arleah. Our original agreement with the city was that we would help defend if our walls were breached. Knowing how few monks we have left among us, I came as soon as word reached me in Atil, intending to fight as a representative of the Dojo. Not soon enough, but I saw something incredible.
Those of Quan’dir had taken the city, and the defenders of Arleah had gathered upon the central square. Into this group appeared a man in a suit of gold armor, a blazing sword in his hand. He had a kind face, though set features, considering the outcome.
And in saying he appeared – I mean he APPEARED. He just showed up, materialized right before our eyes. They referred to him in quiet respect, and it took me only a short time to realize that these gods Adora speaks of…are real. Dsituyt, god of Arleah, stood before me, telling us that we would prevail, we would win back our city.
I need to apologize to Dora. And Drake. I had not thought their gods to be real.
Other thoughts and images plagued my dreams this past night, all related to seeing Dsituyt. I left our bed to sit outside, not wanting to wake Adora. I need to know who these people in my memories were…to know what happened to me before I awoke all those years ago here in Arleah.
Entry 33
I was called to the Dojo for testing. After hours of discussion, I am now Sensei of the Mind! I’m still more than a little stunned by the request to test, let alone the outcome. Questions called on me to think beyond my training, beyond the books I’ve read. I was asked about meditation, how it related to the Original Mind, what one would be thinking of in a state of perfect meditation. Difficult questions, easy answers; much as my training has been. It always seems like the training is difficult until the moment something makes sense…then it’s like the sun coming through the clouds…the lesson is so simple that you wonder not to have known the outcome before. So it was with my test. I had only to think on what I knew to be the true answer, rather than thinking to rationalize.
Master Bao took me to Arleah to introduce me within my new title, then I went home to my Dora. She had obviously been waiting for me. I smile now as I look at her sleeping, her hair tousled and her features that of an angel in peace.
She raced out the door, jumping into my arms, screaming in excitement. Lights forbid; I swear she was more excited than I was! She had fully expected me to pass, and had prepared a wonderful meal for us to celebrate. Our celebrations continued through dancing and …going up to our room.
I love this woman more than anything. Our wedding is now only weeks away. She had asked me of the wedding service and of my hopes and dreams. She didn’t understand that I truly am happy and content in what I have. I miss my family, but I’m blessed to have her. I miss my old life, but I love what I’ve become in this new world. The only thing I wish for yet would be children. I love littles. I love their joy, their passion for life, their wonder at the world…I told her I didn’t even care if the children were ours. I just someday want littles around.
She told me she’s started an orphanage in Phaethredun. I hate the thought of all those littles without families. I wish they could all just come to our home. But, regretfully, I know this isn’t feasable either. That damned war. Thanks to Quan’dir, too many have lost their homes, their families or their minds. I only hope that the Phaethredun will allow them some healing.
I’m getting married! In just a few weeks. I close these pages for now, knowing these coming weeks will be busy. I have meetings with Riegn (the other Sensei), plans for within the Dojo, plans for the wedding, some building projects that yet need to be finished…
Entry 34
Lights! I can’t believe how much time has passed. The wedding has been postponed more than once, due to conflicts with work, and our own fears. Okay, being honest, maybe I’ve had cold feet this last while. My meditations pulled me from quiet contemplation, back into the world of worry and thought. I didn’t intend it, but it seems, just like with Rin, I have this overwhelming urge to run; to just go as far and as fast as I can from here.
This is crazy! I’m not afraid of things that generally bother others; vampires, death, undead, even some half-crazed man named Keldor…none of those upset or scare me…yet the idea that she will forever be linked to me, that I’ll have some responsibility for her welfare, that scares me. And what if she defines herself solely by me? I don’t want her to simply be known as Mrs. Adam Erickson. I want her to stay the same Dora that argued so persuasively with me that first night we met.
She’s always been a fragile, delicate angel that deserves so much, so much more than I am or can be. At the same time, I know the work that can be entailed with a woman on a pedestal; I’ve seen it back home. I want to know she’s up on that pedestal because she was strong enough to get there herself. The thought that maybe she isn’t, that maybe I put her there and she isn’t capable of getting down…that scared the hells out of me.
I’ve spoken to Raven about this at great length. Don’t know what I’d have done without her this last while. To hear that she’s had some difficulties within her own relationship, both with Duval and her daughter, has oddly comforted me. Not that I want to see her in pain, but to be able to share my doubts and concerns has been a help. She’s become the one person I can probably most easily talk to. With Raven, I’m simply Adam. I’m not a former Lord, I’m not a Sensei, I’m not “cute little Adam” or the genteel charmer of women. I don’t wonder about what I don’t know with her. She’s always just take-it-or-leave-it. She’s demanded the same of me; straight out honesty, no games, no agendas. These troubles have brought us closer than ever, allowing us to talk even about our deepest secrets and desires. Other than these pages, she’s the only one I’ve ever mentioned my fears of the wedding to.
On fears – Keldor. I can’t say I’ve ever met an odder man. He seems to think that because I fell beneath the blades of the undead, some god named Gornadon is going to curse my soul and haunt my dreams. I have no fear of death, and don’t believe in curses. Those things only hold sway over the minds of innocents. I’ve seen death. I’ve experienced it. I can’t be scared of something that I know only leads me onto yet another path in the wheel of existence.
But the fool only grew angrier at hearing this, beginning to speak about himself using his own name. When I refused to rise to his baiting, he drew his blade and struck me. That I could have defended myself is something I wonder about now. Why didn’t I?
Even more to the point, why was I brought back…again? What is it that I’m supposed to do or be? Why does the knowledge of that sit always just out of my reach?
I’m enjoying the Dojo, even if the responsibilities often seem overwhelming. I enjoy the lessons of the mind and have enjoyed what little time Riegn and I find for the lessons of the body. I find peace in my work and in most of my meditations.
I still have dreams that bother me. The men and women in these dreams still joke and laugh; their words, once not audible, are now coming in snatches to me. Lessons. Small things, small phrases…most often I hear “you will remember, Adam, when the time is right.” At times, even in waking hours, those words are now coming on whispered winds. But I set that aside. I have much more to do than deal with dreams that think to creep into my waking hours.
When next I write in these pages, I’ll likely be married…or cursed. I laugh at that thought, finding great amusement in it. Until I’m married, I now close the journal once again.