I have learned in my life that one must take all that life has to offer when it is offered.
That there isn�t time to go back and smell the roses�. we must smell them today. No one knows what is in store for us tomorrow so we must go out and have fun while we can. Don�t wait for invitations. Often they don�t come and we are only left hurting. Make your own life. But through the journey take the time to notice God�s Work.
See the beauty that surrounds us. I sit back in amazement as I witness my three-year-old granddaughter viewing the world with so much excitement. Brietta has made me realize that I have spent my entire life not recognizing the beauty that surrounds me.
I have recognized the beauty that is my family. My beautiful daughter, Nicole Katherine who from day one was the wind beneath my wings -- I have watched her grow from a precious little girl into a challenging teenager and now into a beautiful butterfly known as �Mommy�. Life wasn�t quite fair to Nikki. She has gone through so many things in her short lifetime�experiences that if I could substitute myself into her position I would in a minute. Yet, despite the struggles she has arrived. We don�t always see eye to eye on things�like any mother-daughter
Relationship, but there is unspoken love.
A better �Mommy� can�t be found. Oh sure, you might find one that doesn�t raise her voice or doesn�t get a little frustrated when her house is trashed for the third time in a day by one very devilish three year old. But surely that individual does not have the unending, unconditional love for her children that Nikki does.
My daughter set her sites on becoming a mommy pretty young. At eighteen she gave birth to her little princess ,�Tara Bryttnee,� or plain old Bryttnee to us. Bryttnee has turned out to be the sweetest, most considerate five year old I know. A five year old, who often thinks of others before she thinks of herself. She recently went out and collected $200.00 to �buy a new fire truck � after the September 11th tragedy. She is always amazing us with her caring ways�.ways that she got from her Mommy who can never say no to people who need her help. Even though she has been burnt a few times she still never hesitates to reach out to people in need.
Two years later Brietta Shaygne came into our lives. She was a burst of energy from the moment she entered this world as the doctor had to reach out and catch her because she couldn�t wait to terrorize the world�.something she continues to do today. This child is one tough cookie with absolutely no fear�well okay�she is afraid of bugs�but you can even catch her, once in a while, playing with a few of the little critters. Despite having that devilish look in her eye all the time Breezy is the air in our sails. She never quits going and often times energizes me.
On November 6, 2000, I had the thrill of my lifetime. Nikki asked me to be present at the birth of her son, Brayden Steven. From the moment he entered this earth I knew he was going to be �Mommy�s Little Boy.� Even though I was constantly around Brayden he would cry over and over until his Mommy would pick him up.
Mommy went back to work after the New Year. It was a new job for her and I, Gramma Karla, got to babysit for all of the kids. I was thoroughly enjoying my time with the babies when Mommy got sick and missed a week of work. With this being a new job they laid her off. I believe that God had something to do with this. Nikki was able to stay at home with her precious children, watching Brayden�s new accomplishments. I am sure that she will treasure this time forever.
On March 7th I flew out to California for a month�s vacation with Brayden�s godmother, my niece Meghan. Meg is like a daughter to me. Only being able to have one child left me with so much extra love to give out and for some reason Meg and I connected. It was three days later, March 10th and Meghan was at a meeting for work. After her meeting her husband Mike, Meg and I were going to drive into San Francisco so I could see the sites. At about 9am or so I got a call from Nikki. She was frantic. They were on the way to the hospital�.Brayden had stopped breathing! She would call me back and let me know more later. I started wondering if we should go into San Francisco�like some of me was in denial because I couldn�t imagine anything being seriously wrong with Mommy�s Little Boy. But, the other side of me said no�something is wrong. I got on the phone and called back to Wisconsin asking my mom to call my pastor and have him go out to the hospital. My mom told me not to worry. I hung up the phone and called the emergency room at our local hospital�.don�t ask me how I remembered the number? I have a hard enough time remembering it when I am at home and not under stress. Anyway, when they answered the phone I was told that they couldn�t give me any information until Nikki arrived at the hospital. I knew at that moment that he was gone, but there was still denial. About ten minutes later I received a phone call from my sister. My mom had called her immediately when we hung up and she literally flew out to the hospital. She confirmed what I already knew in my heart�.Brayden was gone. The autopsy states that he died of SIDS. Meghan and I found the first flight that we could find and boarded the airplane home.
How do you sit and watch your only child suffer the pain that no mother should have to go through? When Nikki was younger I used to imagine what it would be like to lose a child. I used to get this awful ache in my chest and tears would come quickly. But this is in no way the pain that my daughter was experiencing at the loss of her only son. I can only say that the pain that I imagined was nowhere close to the pain I felt with his loss. God help Nikki! I see her now, trying to put a face on every day. Knowing that underneath that face everything is not �okay� or �fine�. I know that her pain is deep and unrelenting. I can only continue to reach out to her and try and help remove some of that pain�reaching out and hoping that she reaches back.
In late April I became extremely ill. For those of you who know me, you are totally aware that my life has been filled with illness, but somehow, through the grace of God, I have made it through. This time it was different, I went into kidney failure. I don�t remember anything about one or two of those days. All I can recall is waking up in intensive care and having Nikki tell me that it was okay for me to let go. She didn�t want to have me live my life in pain anymore. This could not have been something easy for Nikki. She has always been so adamant about my statements about being ready for the good Lord to take me. Her words were what I needed to get going. It was like a kick in the butt. I didn�t want Nikki or the girls to know any more death. They had been through enough.
Through Brayden�s death I have met some wonderful people online. People who themselves know the death of a child or grandchild. Even in their own pain they reached out to us. Betty, Heidi, I don�t know what I would do without both of you. The two of you just keep giving and giving. Heidi gave me the gift of Brayden�s angel picture when our local photographers wanted to charge huge sums of money to do it. This picture is a treasure in and of it self and I will be forever grateful. Betty put together my entire website for me and I think its awesome! I get great pleasure in knowing that Brayden is up in heaven playing with your son and grandson, Jeremy. Just knowing the two of you assures me that he has the best angel friend in the world. Thank You!
I still have my struggles. Every day is a challenge to get out of bed, but each day I know that there is a beautiful world out there�and so many things that I haven�t seen�.especially the way a three year old sees it. When God does his calling I will know that I put up a fight. I didn�t give up�I had just seen all that the Lord intended for me to see. Through the Lord, my family and most particularly the eyes of a three year old I will be refreshed and will have no regrets.
God Bless You All
And
God Bless America!
