Quotes

A whole heap of Hogsmeade House favourites from the book series:

Philosopher's Stone * Chamber of Secrets * Prisoner of Azkaban * Goblet of Fire * Order of the Phoenix * Miscellaneous

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

'It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs.' - Professor Dumbledore.

Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel - Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.

As he looked at Dudley in his new knickerbockers Uncle Vernon said gruffly that it was the proudest moment of his life. Aunt Petunia burst into tears and said she couldn't believe it was her ickleDudleykins, he looked so handsome and grown up. Harry didn't trust himself to speak. He thought two of his ribs might have already cracked from trying not to laugh.

'Oh are you a prefect Percy?' said one of the twins, with an air of surprise. 'You should have said something, we had no idea.'
'Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it,' said the other twin, 'Once-'
'Or twice-'
'A minute-'
'All summer-'

'Which way did they go Peeves?' Filch was saying. 'Quick tell me.'
'Say "please."'
'Don't mess me about Peeves, now where did they go?'
'Shan't say nothing if you don't say please,' said Peeves in his annoying sing-song voice.
'All right - please.'
'NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaa!'

'I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.' - Hermione

Wood cleared his throat for silence.
'OK, men,' he said.
'And women,' said Chaser Angelina Johnson.
'And women,' Wood agreed. 'This is it.'
'The big one,' said Fred Weasley.
'The one we've all been waiting for,' said George.
'We know Oliver's speech by heart,' Fred told Harry, 'we were on the team last year.'

'Harry's is better than ours, though,' said Fred, holding up Harry's jumper. 'She obviously makes more of an effort if you're not family.'
'Why aren't you wearing yours , Ron?' George demanded. 'Come on, get it on, they're lovely and warm.'
'I hate maroon,' Ron moaned half-heartedly as he pulled it over his head.
'You haven't got a letter on yours,' George observed. ' I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid - we know we're called Gred and Forge.'

Chess was the only thing Hermione ever lost at, something Harry and Ron thought was very good for her.

'It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that.' - Dumbledore.

Speaking quietly so that no one else would hear, Harry told the other two about Snape's sudden, sinister desire to be a Quidditch referee.
'Don't play,' said Hermione at once.
'Say you're ill,' said Ron.
'Pretend to break your leg,' Hermione suggested.
'Really break your leg,' said Ron.

He walked over the damp grass, reliving the last hour in his head, which was a happy blur: Gryffindor running to lift him onto their shoulder; Ron and Hermione in the distance jumping up and down, Ron cheering through a heavy nosebleed.

'…what I've got there's a Norweigan Ridgeback. They're rare them.'
He looked very pleased with himself, but Hermione didn't.
'Hagrid, you live in a wooden house,' she said.

Harry suddenly turned to Ron.
'Charlie,' he said.
'You're losing it too,' said Ron. 'I'm Ron, remember.'

'It bit me!' he said showing them his hand which was wrapped in a bloody handkerchief. 'I'm not going to be able to hold a quill for a week. I tell you, that dragon's the most horrible animal I've ever met, but the way Hagrid goes on about it, you'd think it was a fluffy little bunny rabbit. When it bit me he told me off for frightening it. And when I left, he was singing it a lullaby.' - Ron

'Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare…What did Professor Sprout say? It likes the dark and the damp - '
'So light a fire!' Harry choked.
'Yes - of course, but there's no wood!' Hermione cried wringing her hands.
'HAVE YOU GONE MAD?' Ron bellowed. 'ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?'

'Tokens from your friends and admirers,' said Dumbledore, beaming. 'What happened down in the dungeons between you and Professor Quirrel is a complete secret, so naturally the whole school knows. I believe your friends Misters Fred and George Weasley were responsible for trying to send you a lavatory seat…'

'After all, to the well organised mind, death is but the next great adventure...' - Dumbledore.

'Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.' - Dumbledore.

'There are all kinds of courage,' said Dumbledore smiling. 'It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies but just as much to stand up to our friends. I therefore award ten points to Mr Neville Longbottom.'

TOP

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

'Vernon tells me you're a wonderful golfer, Mr Mason…Do tell me where you bought your dress, Mrs Mason…'
'Perfect…Dudley?'
'How about: "We had to write an essay about our hero at school, Mr Mason, and I wrote about you." '

'I know what day it is,' Dudley repeated, coming right up to him.
'Well done,' said Harry. 'So you've finally learned the days of the week.

'Yeah, I've seen those things they think are gnomes,' said Ron, bent double with his head in a peony bush. 'Like fat little Father Christmases with fishing rods…'

Harry learned quickly not to feel too sorry for the gnomes. He decided just to drop one over the hedge, but the gnome, sensing weakness, sank its razor-sharp teeth into Harry's finger and he had a hard job shaking it off until -
'Wow, Harry - that must've been fifty feet…'

'A study of Hogwarts prefects and their later careers,' Ron read aloud off the back cover. ' That sounds fascinating...'

'Can you believe our luck?' said Ron miserably, bending down to pick up Scabbers the rat. 'Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.'

'What've we got this afternoon?' said Harry, hastily changing the subject.
'Defence Against the Dark Arts,' said Hermione at once.
'Why,' demanded Ron, seizing her timetable, 'have you outlined all Lockhart's lessons in little hearts?'

'I wasn't paying attention,' said Myrtle dramatically. 'Peeves upset me so much I came in here and tried to kill myself. Then, of course, I remembered that I'm - that I'm'
'Already dead,' said Ron helpfully.

'D'you think we've got nothing better to do in Potions that listen to Snape?' muttered Ron.

'Oh, come on,' said Ron, wrenching it from her grasp and thrusting it at Madam Pince. 'We'll get you another autograph. Lockhart'll sign anything if it stands still long enough.'

'Excuse me?' said Ron sharply. 'What d'you mean a bit of who we're changing into? I'm drinking nothing with Crabbe's toenails in it…'

'I never thought I'd see the day when you'd be persuading us to break rules,' said Ron.

'Oh Potter, you rotter, oh what have you done,
You're killing off students, you think it's good fun - '

Fred and George, however, found all this very funny. They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors shouting, 'Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through…'

Ginny didn't find it amusing either.
'Oh, don't,' she wailed every time Fred asked Harry loudly who he was planning to attack next or George pretended to ward Harry off with a large clove of garlic when they met.

Percy, who disapproved of their childish behaviour, didn't spend much time in the Gryffindor common room. He had already told them pompously that he was only staying over Christmas because it was his duty as a prefect to support the teachers during this troubled time.

'What's that?' asked Harry, pointing to something gold sticking out from under Hermione's pillow.
'Just a Get Well card,' said Hermione hastily, trying to poke it out of sight, but Ron was too quick for her. He pulled it out, flicked it open and read aloud:
'To Miss Granger, wishing you a speedy recovery, from your concerned teacher, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award.'
Ron looked up at Hermione disgusted.
'You sleep with this under your pillow?'

Ernie Macmillan of Hufflepuff didn't take this cheerful view. He was still convinced that Harry was the guilty one, that he had 'given himself away' at the Duelling Club. Peeves wasn't helping matters: he kept popping up in the crowded corridors singing 'Oh Potter, you rotter…,' now with a dance-routine to match.

'Happy Valentine's Day!' Lockhart shouted. 'And may I thank the forty-six people who have so far sent me cards! Yes, I have taken the liberty of arranging this little surprise for you all - and it doesn't end here!'
Lockhart clapped his hands and through the doors to the Entrance Hall marched a dozen surly-looking dwarfs. Not just any dwarfs, however. Lockhart had them all wearing gold wings and carrying harps.
'My friendly, card-carrying cupids!' beamed Lockhart. 'They will be roving around the school today delivering your Valentines! And the fun doesn't stop here! I'm sure my colleagues will want to enter into the spirit of the occasion! Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a Love Potion! And while you're at it, Professor Flitwick knows more about Entrancing Enchantments than any wizard I've ever met, the sly old dog!'
Professor Flitwick buried his face in his hands. Snape was looking as though the first person to ask him for a Love Potion would be force-fed poison.
'Please, Hermione, tell me you weren't one of the forty-six,' said Ron, as they left the Great Hall for their first lesson. Hermione suddenly became very interested in searching her bag for her timetable and didn't answer.

'His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he was mine, he's really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.'

'Harry - I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to library!'
And she sprinted away, up the stairs.
'What does she understand?' said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from.
'Loads more than I do,' said Ron, shaking his head.
'But why's she got to go to the library?'
'Because that's what Hermione does,' said Ron, shrugging. 'When in doubt, go to the library.'

'Now, now, Malfoy,' said Snape, though he couldn't suppress a thin-lipped smile. 'Professor Dumbledore has only been suspended by the governors. I daresay he'll be back with us soon enough.'
'Yeah, right,' said Malfoy, smirking. 'I expect you'd have Father's vote, sir, if you wanted to apply for the job. I'll tell Father you're the best teacher here, sir…'
Snape smirked as he swept off around the dungeon, fortunately not spotting Seamus Finnigan, who was pretending to vomit into his cauldron.

'Mark my words,' he said, ushering them around a corner, the first words out of those poor Petrified people's mouths will be "it was Hagrid" Frankly, I'm astounded Professor McGonagall thinks all these security measures are necessary.

'Prepare his class,' Ron sneered after him. ' Gone to curl his hair, more like.'

'We shall have to send all the students home tomorrow,' said Professor McGonagall. 'This is the end of Hogwarts. Dumbledore always said…'
The staff room door banged open again. For one wild moment, Harry was sure it would be Dumbledore. But it was Lockhart, and he was beaming.
'So sorry - dozed off - what have I missed?'

'Voldemort,' said Riddle softly, 'is my past, present and future, Harry Potter…'

'Ginny!' said Mr Weasley flabbergasted. 'Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain. Why didn't you show the diary to me, or your mother? A suspicious object like that, it was clearly full of dark magic!'

'So I should be in Slytherin,' Harry said, looking desperately into Dumbledore's face. 'The Sorting Hat could see Slytherin's power in me, and it - '
'Put you in Gryffindor,' said Dumbledore calmly. 'Listen to me, Harry. You happen to have many qualities Salazar Slytherin prized in his hand-picked students. His own very rare gift, Parseltongue…resourcefulness…determination…a certain disregard for the rules,' he added, his moustache quivering again. 'Yet the Sorting Hat placed you in Gryffindor. You know why that was. Think"
'It only put me in Gryffindor,' said Harry in a defeated voice, 'because I asked not to go in Slytherin…'
'Exactly,' said Dumbledore, beaming once more. 'Which makes you very different from Tom Riddle. It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.'

'Your Aunt and Uncle will be proud, though, won't they?' said Hermione, as they got off the train and joined the crowd thronging towards the enchanted barrier. 'When they hear what you did this year?'
'Proud?' said Harry. 'Are you mad? All those times I could've died, and didn't manage it? They'll be furious…'

TOP

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

So am I,' admitted Harry. 'Forget expelled, I thought I was going to be arrested.' He looked at Ron. 'Your dad doesn't know why Fudge let me off, does he?'
'Probably cause it's you, isn't it?' shrugged Ron, still chuckling. 'Famous Harry Potter and all that. I'd hate to see what the Ministry'd do to me if I blew up an aunt. Mind you, they'd have to dig me up first, because Mum would've killed me…'

'What are you doing Muggle Studies for?' said Ron, rolling his eyes at Harry. 'You're Muggle-born! Your mum and dad are Muggles! You already know all about Muggles!'
'But it'll be fascinating to study them from a wizarding point of view,' said Hermione earnestly.
'Are you planning to eat or sleep at all this year, Hermione?' asked Harry, while Ron sniggered.

'I said, that's enough,' said Mrs Weasley, depositing her shopping in an empty chair. 'Hello, Harry, dear. I suppose you've heard our exciting news?' She pointed at the brand new silver badge on Percy's chest. 'Second Head Boy in the family!' she said, swelling with pride.
'And last,' Fred muttered under his breath.
'I don't doubt that,' said Mrs Weasley, frowning suddenly. 'I notice they haven't made you two Prefects.'
'What do we want to be Prefects for?' said George, looking revolted at the very idea. 'It'd take all the fun out of life.'
Ginny giggled.
'You want to set a better example to your sister!' snapped Mrs Weasley.
'Ginny's got other brothers to set her an example, Mother,' said Percy loftily. 'I'm going to change for dinner…'
He disappeared and George heaved a sigh.
'We tried to shut him in a pyramid,' he told Harry. 'But Mum spotted us.'

'How're we getting to King's Cross tomorrow, Dad?' asked Fred, as they tucked into a sumptuous chocolate pudding.
'The Ministry's providing a couple of cars,' said Mr Weasley.
Everyone looked up at him.
'Why?' said Percy curiously.
'It's because of you Perce,' said George seriously. 'And there'll be little flags on the bonnets, with HB on them - '
' - for Humungous Bighead,' said Fred.

Unbidden, the image of the beast in the shadows of Magnolia Crescent crossed his mind. What to do when you know the worst is coming…
'I'm not going to be murdered,' Harry said out loud.
'That's the spirit, dear,' said the mirror sleepily.

'Sirius Black escaped to come after you? Oh, Harry…you'll have to be really, really careful. Don't go looking for trouble, Harry…'
'I don't go looking for trouble,' said Harry, nettled. 'Trouble usually finds me.'

'As to our second new appointment,' Dumbledore continued, as the lukewarm applause for Professor Lupin died away, 'well, I am sorry to tell you that Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs. However, I am delighted to say that his place has been filled by none other than Rubeus Hagrid, who has agreed to take on this teaching job in addition to his gamekeeping duties.'

'Welcome,' it said. 'How nice to see you in the physical world at last.'

'Welcome to Divination,' said Professor Trelawney, who had seated herself in a winged armchair in front of the fire. 'My name is Professor Trelawney. You may not have seen me before. I find that descending too often into the hustle and bustle of the main school clouds my Inner Eye.'

'Right, you've got a wonky sort of cross…' he said, comsulting Unfogging the Future. 'That means you're going to have "trials and suffering" - sorry about that - but there's a thing that could be the sun. Hang on…that means "great happiness"…so you're going to suffer but be very happy…"
"You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me,' said Ron, and they both had to stifle their laughs as Professor Trelawney gazed in their direction.

'Please, Professor, we've just had our first Divination class, and we were reading the tea leaves, and - '
'Ah, of course,' said Professor McGonagall, suddenly frowning. 'There is not need to say any more, Miss Granger. Tell me, which of you will be dying this year?'

'There you are, then,' said Hermione in a superior tone. 'They see the Grim and die of fright. The Grim's not an omen, it's the cause of death! And Harry's still with us because he's not stupid enough to think, right, well, I'd better pop my clogs then!'

'That was the best Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson we've ever had, wasn't it?' said Ron excitedly, as they made their way back to the classroom to get their bags.
'He seems a very good teacher,' said Hermione approvingly. 'But I wish I could have had a turn with the Boggart - '
'What would it have been for you?' said Ron, sniggering. 'A piece of homework that only got nine out of ten?'

Harry was also growing to dread the hours he spent in Professor Trelwaney's stifling tower room, deciphering lop-sided shapes and symbols, trying to ignore the way Professor Trelawney's enormous eyes filled with tears every time she looked at him.

'They make a fuss about Hogsmeade, but I assure you, Harry, it's not all it's cracked up to be,' he said seriously. 'All right, the sweetshop's rather good, but Zonko's Joke Shop's frankly dangerous, and yes, the Shrieking Shack's always worth a visit but really, Harry, apart from that, you're not missing anything.'

'Well,' said Lupin, frowning slightly, 'I assumed that if the Boggart faced you, it would assume the shape of Lord Voldemort.'
Harry stared. Not only was this the last answer he expected, but Lupin had said Voldemort's name. The only person Harry had ever heard say the name aloud (apart from himself) was Professor Dumbledore.
'Clearly, I was wrong,' said Lupin, still frowning at Harry. 'But I didn't think it a good idea for Lord Voldemort to materialise in the staff room. I imagined that people would panic.'
'I did think of Voldemort first,' said Harry honestly. 'But then I - I remembered those Dementors.'
'I see,' said Lupin thoughtfully. 'Well, well….I'm impressed.' He smiled slightly at the look of surprise on Harry's face. 'That suggests that what you fear most of all is - fear. Very wise, Harry.'

'Diggory got the Snitch,' said George. 'Just after you fell. He didn't realise what had happened. When he looked back and saw you on the ground, he tried to call it off. Wanted a re-match. But they won fair and square…even Wood admits it.'
'Where is Wood?' said Harry, suddenly realising he wasn't there.
'Still in the showers,' said Fred. 'We think he's trying to drown himself.'

'Well…when we were in our first year, Harry - young, carefree and innocent - '
Harry snorted. He doubted whether Fred and George had ever been innocent.

'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.'

'Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs,' sighed George, patting the heading of the map. 'We owe them so much.'
'Noble men, working tirelessly to help a new generation of law-breakers,' said Fred solemnly.

Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other. They had never seen eye to eye with Hagrid about what he called "interesting creatures" and other people called "terrifying monsters". On the other hand, there didn't seem any particular harm in Buckbeak. In fact, by Hagrid's usual standards, he was positively cute.

'I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!' said Hermione shrilly.
Harry and Ron looked at her.
'What d'you think Harry's going to do with it - sweep the floor?'said Ron.

'Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She - er - got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about you staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if if threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch on it first.'

'I can have it back?' said Harry weakly. 'Seriously?'
'Seriously,' said Professor McGonagall, and she was actually smiling. 'I daresay you'll need to get the feel of it before Saturday's match, won't you? And Potter - do try and win, won't you? Or we'll be out of the running for the eighth year in a row, as Professor Snape was kind enough to remind me only last night…'

'Come on, Ron, you were always saying how boring Scabbers was,' said Fred bracingly. 'And he's been off-colour for ages, he was wasting away. It was probably better for him to snuff it quickly. One swallow - he probably didn't feel a thing.'

'He bit Goyle for us once!' said Ron miserably. 'Remember, Harry?'
'Yeah, that's true,' said Harry.
'His finest hour,' said Fred, unable to keep a straight face. 'Let the scar on Goyle's finger stand as a lasting tribute to his memory.'

'Got plenty of special features, hasn't it?' said Malfoy, eyes glittering maliciously. 'Shame it doesn't come with a parachute - in case you get too near a Dementor.'
Crabbe and Goyle sniggered.
'Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy,' said Harry. Then it could catch the Snitch for you.'

'Gryffindor lead by eighty points to zero, and look at that Firebolt go! Potter's really putting it through its paces now. See it turn - Chang's Comet is just no match for it. The Firebolt's precision-balance is really noticeable in these long - '
'JORDAN! ARE YOU BEING PAID TO ADVERTISE FIREBOLTS? GET ON WITH THE COMMENTARY!'

'HARRY, THIS IS NO TIME TO BE A GENTLEMAN!' Wood roared, as Harry swerved to avoid a collision. 'KNOCK HER OFF HER BROOM IF YOU HAVE TO!'

'I'm not blamin' yeh!' said Hagrid, waving Harry's apology aside. 'Gawd knows yeh've had enough ter be getting' on with, I've seen yeh practisin' Quidditch ev'ry hour o' the day an' night - but I gotta tell yeh, I thought you two'd value yer friend more'n broomsticks or rats. Tha's all.'
Harry and Ron exchanged uncomfortable looks.
'Really upset, she was, when Black nearly stabbed yeh, Ron. She's got her heart in the right place, Hermione has, an' you two not talkin' to her - '
'If she'd just get rid of that cat, I'd speak to her again!' Ron said angrily. 'But she's still sticking up for it! It's a maniac, and she won't hear a word against it!'
'Ah, well, people can be a bit stupid abou' their pets,' said Hagrid wisely. Behind him, Buckbeak, spat a few ferret bones onto Hagrid's pillow.

'What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter?' said Snape softly. You head is not allowed in Hogsmeade. No part of your body has permission to be in Hogsmeade.'

'Mr Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.'

'The fates have informed me that your examination in June will concern the Orb, and I am anxious to give you sufficient practice.'
Hermione snorted.
'Well, honestly…"the fates have informed her"…who sets the exam? She does! What an amazing prediction' she said, not troubling to keep her voice low.

'Would anyone like me to help them intercept the shadowy portents within their Orb?' she murmured over her clinking bangles.
'I don't need help,' Ron whispered. 'It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight.'

Then, after a hasty lunch, it was straight back upstairs for the Charms exam. Hermione had been right; Professor Flitwick did indeed test them on Cheering Charms. Harry slightly overdid his out of nerves and Ron, who was partnering him, ended up in fits of hysterical laughter and had to be led away to a quiet room for an hour before he was ready to perform the Charm himself.

'NO!' Hermione screamed, 'Harry, don't trust him, he's been helping Black get into the castle, he wants you dead too - he's a werewolf!'
There was a ringing silence. Everyone's eyes were now on Lupin, who looked remarkably calm, though rather pale.
'Not at all up to your usual standard, Hermione,' he said.

'Sirius - it's me…it's Peter…your friend…you wouldn't…'
Black kicked out and Pettigrew recoiled.
'There's enough filth on my robes without you touching them,' said Black.

'Ron…haven't I been a good friend…a good pet? You won't let them kill me, Ron, will you…you're on my side, aren't you?'
But Ron was staring at Pettigrew with the utmost revulsion.
'I let you sleep in my bed!' he said.

'If you made a better rat than human, it's not much to boast about, Peter,' said Black harshly.

'He - he was taking over everywhere!' gasped Pettigrew. 'Wh-what was there to be gained by refusing him?'
'What was there to be gained by fighting the most evil wizard who has ever existed?' said Black, with a terrible fury in his face. 'Only innocent lives, Peter!'
'You don't understand!' whined Pettigrew. 'He would have killed me, Sirius!'
'THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED!' roared Black. 'DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!'

'What - live with you?' he said, accidentally cracking his head on a bit of rock protruding from the ceiling. 'Leave the Dursley's?'
'Of course, I thought you wouldn't want to,' said Sirius quickly. 'I understand. I just thought I'd - '
'Are you mad?' said Harry, his voice easily as croaky as Sirius'. 'Of course I want to leave the Dursley's! Have you got a house? When can I move in?'

'What's that?' he snarled, staring at the envelope Harry was still clutching in his hand. 'If it's another form for me to sign, you've got another - '
'It's not,' said Harry cheerfully. 'It's a letter from my godfather.'
'Godfather?' spluttered Uncle Vernon. 'You haven't got a godfather!'
'Yes, I have,' said Harry brightly. 'He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though…keep up with my news…check I'm happy…'

TOP

Harry stared at the word 'Pig', then looked up at the tiny owl now zooming around the lampshade on the ceiling. He had never seen anything that looked less like a pig.

'What are you working on?' said Harry.
'A report for the International Magical Co-operation,' said Percy smugly. 'We're trying to standardise cauldron thickness. Some of these foreign imports are just a shade too thin - leakages have been increasing at a rate of almost three per cent a year -'
'That'll change the world, that report will,' said Ron. 'Front page of the Daily Prophet, I expect, cauldron leaks.'

'Wow - hope it does this time!' said Harry enthusiastically.
'Well, I certainly don't,' said Percy sanctimoniously. 'I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days.'
'Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?' said Fred.
'That was a sample of fertiliser from Norway!' said Percy, going very red in the face. 'It was nothing personal!'
'It was,' Fred whispered to Harry, as they got up from the table. 'We sent it.'

'Just put them on, Archie, there's a good chap, you can't walk around like that, the Muggle on the gate's already getting suspicious -'
'I bought this in a Muggle shop,' said the old wizard stubbornly. 'Muggles wear them.'
'Muggle women wear them, Archie, not the men, they wear these,' said the Ministry wizard, and brandished the pinstriped trousers.
'I'm not putting them on,' said old Archie in indignation. 'I like a healthy breeze around my privates, thanks…'

'Anyone can speak Troll,' said Fred dismissively, 'all you have to do is point and grunt.'

'So that's a house-elf?' Ron muttered. 'Weird things, aren't they?'
'Dobby was weirder,' said Harry, fervently.

'Wild!' he said, twiddling the replay knob on the side (of the Omnioculars). 'I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again…and again…and again…'

'Dress robes!' repeated Mrs Weasley. 'It says on your school list that you're supposed to have dress robes this year…robes for formal occasions.'
'You've got to be kidding,' said Ron in disbelief. 'I'm not wearing that, no way.'
'Everyone wears them, Ron!' said Mrs Weasley crossly. 'They're all like that! Your father's got some for smart parties!'
'I'll go starkers before I put that on,' said Ron stubbornly.

'Mad-Eye Moody?' said George thoughtfully, spreading marmalade on his toast. 'Isn't he that nutter -'
'Your father thinks very highly of Mad-Eye Moody,' said Mrs Weasley sternly.
'Yeah, well, Dad collects plugs, doesn't he?' said Fred quietly, as Mrs Weasley left the room. 'Birds of a feather…'

'Ah, think of the possibilities,' said Ron dreamily. 'It would've been so easy to push Malfoy off a glacier and make it look like an accident…shame his mother likes him…'

'Aaaaaah,' said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney's mystical whisper, 'when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry…'
Seamus and Dean, who were working nearby, sniggered loudly, though not loudly enough to mask the excited squeals from Lavender Brown - 'Oh, Professor, look! I think I've got an unaspected planet! Oooh, which one's that Professor?'
'It is Uranus, my dear,' said Professor Trelawney, peering down at the chart.
'Can I have a look at Uranus, too, Lavender?' said Ron.

'Don't talk to me,' Ron said quietly to Harry and Hermione, as they sat down at the Gryffindor table a few minutes later, surrounded by excited talk on all sides about what had just happened.
'Why not?' said Hermione in surprise.
'Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever,' said Ron, his eyes closed and an uplifted expression on his face. 'Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret…'

Hermione sat down, laid the things she was carrying in an empty armchair and pulled Ron's predictions towards her.
'Not going to have a very good month, are you?' she said sardonically, as Crookchanks curled up in her lap.
'Ah well, at least I'm forewarned,' Ron yawned.
'You seem to be drowning twice,' said Hermione.
'Oh, am I?' said Ron, peering down at his predictions. 'I'd better change one of them to getting trampled by a rampaging Hippogriff.'
'Don't you think it's a bit obvious you've made these up?' said Hermione.
'How dare you!' said Ron, in mock outrage. 'We've been working like house-elves here!'

'You only like him because he's handsome,' said Ron scathingly.
'Excuse me, I don't like people just because they're handsome!' said Hermione indignantly.
Ron gave a loud false cough, which sounded oddly like 'Lockhart!'.

'What's that?' said Ron, pointing at a large dish of some sort of shellfish stew that stood beside a large steak-and-kidney pudding.
'Bouillabaisse,' said Hermione.
'Bless you,' said Ron.

'The first task is designed to test your daring,' he told Harry, Cedric, Fleur and Krum, so we are not going to be telling you what it is. Courage in the face of the unknown is an important quality in a wizard…very important…'

'That's not funny,' said Hermione quietly. 'That's not funny at all.' She looked extremely anxious. 'Harry, I've been thinking - you know what we've got to do, don't you? Straight away, the moment we get back to the castle?'
'Yeah, give Ron a good kick up the -'
'Write to Sirius.'

Harry seized one of the POTTER REALLY STINKS badges off the table and chucked it, as hard as he could, across the room. It hit Ron on the forehead and bounced off.
'There you go,' Harry said. 'Something for you to wear on Tuesday. You might even have a scar now, if you're lucky…that's what you want, isn't it?'

'Harry's got a long way to go before he finishes this Tournament,' she said seriously. 'If that was the first task, I hate to think what's coming next.'
'Right little ray of sunshine, aren't you?' said Ron. 'You and Professor Trelawney should get together some time.'

'…Dean Thomas, who was very good at drawing, had put up some impressive new banners, most of which depicted Harry zooming around the Horntail's head on his Firebolt, though a couple showed Cedric with his head on fire.'

'They wouldn't use the Cruciatus curse on the champions. I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing…maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.'

'Going to try and lead the house-elves out on strike now, are you?' said George. 'Going to give up all the leaflet stuff and try and stir them up into rebellion?'
Several people chortled. Hermione didn't answer.
'Don't go upsetting them and telling them they've got to take clothes and salaries!' said Fred warningly. 'You'll put them off their cooking!'

'I'd still rather work for him than old Crouch,' said Ron. 'At least Bagman's got a sense of humour.'
'Don't let Percy hear you saying that,' Hermione said, smiling slightly.
'Yeah, well, Percy, wouldn't want to work for anyone with a sense of humour would he?' said Ron, now starting on a chocolate éclair. 'Percy wouldn't recognise a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby's tea cosy.'

It was quite something to hear 'Oh Come, All Ye Faithful' sung by an empty helmet that only knew half the words. Several times, Filch the caretaker had to extract Peeves from inside the armour, where he had taken to hiding, filling in the gaps in the songs with lyrics of his own invention, all of which were very rude.

'Why weren't you two at dinner?' she said, coming over to join them.
'Because - oh, shut up laughing, you two - because they've both just been turned down by girls they asked to the ball!' said Ginny.
That shut Harry and Ron up.
'Thanks a bunch, Ginny,' said Ron sourly.
'All the good-looking ones taken, Ron?' said Hermione loftily. 'Eloise Midgeon starting to look quite pretty now, is she? Well, I'm sure you'll find someone somewhere who'll have you.'
But Ron was staring at Hermione as though suddenly seeing her in a whole new light. 'Hermione, Neville's right - you are a girl…'
'Oh, well spotted,' she said acidly.
'Well - you can come with one of us!'
'No, I can't,' snapped Hermione.
'Oh, come one,' he said impatiently, 'we need partners, we're going to look really stupid if we haven't got any, everyone else has…'
'I can't come with you,' said Hermione, now blushing, 'because I'm already going with someone.'
'No, you're not!' said Ron. 'You just said that to get rid of Neville!'
'Oh, did I?' said Hermione, and her eyes flashed dangerously. 'Just because it's taken you three years to notice, Ron, doesn't mean no one else has spotted I'm a girl!'
Ron stared at her. Then he grinned again.
'OK, OK, we know you're a girl,' he said. 'That do? Will you come now?'

Hermione came over and sat down in Pavarti's empty chair. She was a bit pink in the face from dancing.
'Hi,' said Harry. Ron didn't say anything.
'It's hot, isn't it?' said Hermione, fanning herself with her hand. 'Viktor's just gone to get some drinks.'
Ron gave her a withering look.
'Viktor?' he said. 'Hasn't he asked you to call him Vicky yet?'

'I don't know who Maxime thinks she's kidding,' Harry said, watching Madame Maxime sitting alone at the judge's table, looking very sombre. 'If Hagrid's half-giant, she definitely is. Big bones…the only thing that's got bigger bones than her is a dinosaur.'

'He's really nice, you know,' she said. 'He's not at all like you'd think, coming from Durmstrang. He likes it much better here, he told me.'
Ron said nothing. He hadn't mentioned Viktor Krum since the ball, but Harry had found a miniature arm under his bed on Boxing Day, which had looked very much as though it had snapped off a small model figure wearing Bulgarian Quidditch robes.

'Really, Hagrid, if you're holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time,' said Dumbledore, now peering sternly over his half-moon spectacles. 'Not a week has passed, since I became Headmaster of this school, when I haven't had at least one owl complaining about the way I run it. But what should I do? Barricade myself in my study and refuse to talk to anybody?'

'Dumbledore was the one who stuck up for me after Dad went. Got me the gamekeeper job…trusts people, he does. Gives 'em second chances…tha's what sets him apar' from other Heads, see. He'll accept anyone at Hogwarts, s'long as they've gpt talent. Knows people can turn out OK even if their families weren'…well…all tha' respectable. But some don' understand that. There's some who'd always hold it against yeh…there's some who'd even pretend they just had big bones rather than stand up an' say - I am what I am, an' I'm not ashamed…'

'Course Dumbledore trusts you,' growled Moody. 'He's a trusting man, isn't he? Believes in second chances. But me - I say there are spots that don't come off, Snape. Spots that never come off, d'you know what I mean?'

'Most of the judges' - and here, Bagman gave Karkaroff a very nasty look - 'feel that this shows moral fibre and merits full marks. However…Mr Potter's score is forty-five points.'
Harry's stomach leapt - he was now tying for first place with Cedric. Ron and Hermione, caught by surprise, stared at Harry, then laughed and started applauding hard with the rest of the crowd.
'There you go, Harry!' Ron shouted over the noise. 'You weren't being thick after all - you were showing moral fibre!'

'I could've taken those mer-idiots any time I wanted.'
'What were you going to do, snore at them?' said Hermione waspishly.

'I told you!' Ron hissed at Hermione, as she stared down at the article. 'I told you not to annoy Rita Skeeter! She's made you out to be some sort of - scarlet woman!'
Hermione stopped looking astonished and snorted with laughter.
'Scarlet woman?' she repeated, shaking with suppressed giggles as she looked round at Ron.
'It's what my mum calls them,' Ron muttered, his ears going red again.
'If that's the best Rita can do, she's losing her touch,' said Hermione, still giggling, as she threw Witch Weekly onto the empty chair beside her. 'What a pile of rubbish.'

But Sirius shook his head and said, 'She's got the measure of Crouch better than you have, Ron. If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.'

'Poor old Snuffles,' said Ron, breathing deeply. 'He must really like you, Harry…imagine having to live off rats.'

Ron was fascinated, but Hermione interrupted them. 'Aren't you two ever going to read Hogwarts: A History?'
'What's the point?' said Ron. 'You know if off by heart, we can just ask you.'

'He will stay, Minerva, because he needs to understand,' said Dumbledore curtly. 'Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.'

'If I thought I could help you,' Dumbledore said gently, 'by putting you into an enchanted sleep, and allowing you to postpone the moment when you would have to think about what has happened tonight, I would do it. But I know better. Numbing the pain for awhile will make it worse when you finally feel it. You have shown bravery beyond anything I could have expected of you. I ask you to demonstrate your courage one more time. I ask you to tell us what happened.'

'You are blinded,' said Dumbledore, his voice rising now, the aura of power around him palpable, his eyes blazing once more, 'by the love of the office you hold, Cornelius! You place too much importance, and you always have done, on the so-called purity of blood! You fail to recognise that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be!'

Harry wished it could have gone on all summer, in fact, and that he would never arrive at King'' Cross...but as he had learnt the hard way that year, time will not slow down when something unpleasant lies ahead…

TOP

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

'Why were you lurking under our window?'
'Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our window, boy?
'Listening to the news,' said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
'Listening to the news! Again?'
'Well, it changes every day, you see,' said Harry.

'We know you're up to something funny,' said Aunt Petunia.
'We're not stupid, you know,' said Uncle Vernon.
'Well, that's news to me,' said Harry, his temper rising, and before the Dursley's could call him back, he had wheeled about, crossed the front lawn, stepped over the low garden wall and was striding off up the street.

'How long have you been "Big D" then?' said Harry.
'Shut it,' snarled Dudley, turning away.
'Cool name,' said Harry, grinning and falling into step beside his cousin. 'But you'll always be "Ickle Diddykins" to me.'
'I said, SHUT IT!' said Dudley, whose ham-like hands had curled into fists.
'Don't the boys know that's what your mum calls you?'
'Shut your face.'
'You don't tell her to shut her face. What about "popkin" and "Dinky Diddydums", can I use them then?'

'So who've you been beating up tonight?' Harry asked, his grin fading. 'Another ten-year-old?' I know you did Mark Evans two nights ago -'
'He was asking for it,' snarled Dudley.
'Oh yeah?'
'He cheeked me.'
'Yeah? Did he say you look like a pig that's been taught to walk on its hind legs? 'Cause that's not cheek, Dud, that's true.'

'Not this brave at night, are you?' sneered Dudley.
'This is night, Diddykins. That's what we call it when it goes all dark like this.'

' 'S'up, Figgy?

'Don't put your wand there, boy!' roared Moody. 'What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!'

'Hello, Harry,' said George, beaming at him. 'We thought we heard your dulcet tones.'
'You don't want to bottle up your anger like that, Harry, let it all out,' said Fred, also beaming. ' There might be a couple of people fifty miles away who didn't hear you.'

'They're trying to discredit him,' said Lupin. 'Didn't you see the Daily Prophet last week? They reported that he'd been voted out of the Chairmanship of the International Confederation of Wizards because he's getting old and losing his grip, but it's not true; he was voted out by Ministry wizards after he made a speech announcing Voldemort's return. They've demoted him from Chief Warlock on the Wizengamot - that's the High Wizard Court - and they're talking about taking away his Order of Merlin, First Class, too.'
'But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog Cards,' said Bill grinning.

'I - not - I haven't got time to listen to house-elves! Anyway, that's not the only - he blew up his aunt, for God's sake!' Fudge shouted, banging his fist on the judge's bench and upsetting a bottle of ink.
'And you very kindly did not press charges on that occasion, accepting, I presume, that even the best wizards cannot always control their emotions,' said Dumbledore calmly, as Fudge attempted to scrub the ink off his notes.

'I knew it!' yelled Ron, punching the air. 'You always get away with stuff!'

Mrs Weasley was wiping her face on her apron, and Fred, George and Ginny were doing a kind of war dance to a chant that went:
'He got off, he got off, he got off…'

'Well, now you understand what dreadful lives they lead, perhaps you'll be a bit more active in SPEW!' said Hermione hopefully, as Mrs Weasley left them to it. 'You know, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to show people exactly how horrible it is to clean all the time - we could do a sponsored scrub of the Gryffindor common room, all proceeds to SPEW, it would raise awareness as well as funds.'
'I'll sponsor you to shut up about SPEW,' Ron muttered irritably, but only so Harry could hear him.

'You two just Apparated on my knees!'
'Yeah, well, it's harder in the dark -'

'Did you - did you get - ?'
She spotted the badge in Harry's hand and let out a shriek.
'I knew it!' she said excitedly, brandishing her letter. 'Me too, Harry, me too!'
'No,' said Harry quickly, pushing the badge back into Ron's hand. 'It's Ron, not me.'
'It - what?'
'Ron's prefect, not me,' Harry said.
'Ron?' said Hermione, her jaw dropping. 'But…are you sure? I mean -'
She turned red as Ron looked round at her with a defiant expression on his face.
'It's my name on the letter,' he said.
'I…' said Hermione, looking thoroughly bewildered. 'I…well…wow! Well done, Ron! That's really -'
'Unexpected,' said George, nodding.

'I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Oh, Ron, how wonderful! A prefect! That's everyone in the family!'
'What are Fred and I, next door neighbours?' said George indignantly, as his mother pushed him aside and flung her arms around her youngest son.

'Of course you can…well, I'd better get going if I've got a broom to buy too. I'll see you all later…little Ronnie, a prefect! And don't forget to pack your trunks…a prefect…oh, I'm all a dither!'
She gave Ron yet another kiss on the cheek, sniffed loudly, and bustled from the room.
Fred and George exchanged looks.
'You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?' said Fred in a falsely anxious voice.
'We could curtsy, if you like,' said George.

Harry noticed that Ron kept moving his prefect's badge around, first placing it on his bedside table, then putting it into his jeans pocket, then taking it out and lying it on his folded robes, as though to see the effect of the red on the black. Only when Fred and George dropped in and offered to attach it to his forehead with a Permanent Sticking Charm did he wrap it tenderly I his maroon socks and lock it in his trunk.

Without warning, the scar on his forehead seared with pain again and his stomach churned horribly.
'Cut it out,' he said firmly, rubbing the scar as the pain receded.
'First sign of madness, talking to your own head,' said a sly voice from the empty picture on wall.

'Well, now, you shouldn't take that attitude,' said Nick reprovingly. 'Peaceful co-operation, that's the key. We ghosts, though we belong to separate houses, maintain links of friendship. In spite of the competitiveness between Gryffindor and Slytherin, I would never dream of seeking an argument with the Bloody Baron.'
'Only because you're terrified of him,' said Ron.
Nearly Headless Nick looked highly affronted.
'Terrified? I hope I, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, have neve been guilty of cowardice in my life! The noble blood that runs in my veins -'
'What blood?' asked Ron. 'Surely you haven't still got -'
'It's a figure of speech!'

'Ron, we're supposed to show the first years where to go!'
'Oh, yeah,' said Ron, who had obviously forgotten. 'Hey - hey you lot! Midgets!'
'Ron!'
'Well, they are, they're twitchy…'

'Don't you remember what Dumbledore said at the last end-of-term feast?'
Harry and Ron both looked at her blankly and Hermione sighed again.
'About you-Know-Who. He said "his gift for spreading discord and enmity is very great. We can fight it only by showing an equally strong bond of friendship and trust -" '
'How do you remember stuff like that?' asked Ron, looking at her in admiration.
'I listen, Ron,' said Hermione, with a touch of asperity.

'And Harry said last night,' retorted Ron, 'if it means we're supposed to get matey with the Slytherins, fat chance.'
'Well, I think it's a pity we're not trying for a bit of inter-House unity,' said Hermione crossly.
They had reached the foot of the marble staircase. A line of fourth year Ravenclaws was crossing the Entrance Hall; they caught sight of Harry and hurried to form a tighter group, as though frightened he might attack stragglers.
'Yeah, we really out to be trying to make friends with people like that,' said Harry sarcastically.

'Well, I dreamed I was playing Quidditch the other night,' said Ron, screwing up his face in an effort to remember. 'What d'you reckon that means?'
'Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something,' said Harry, turning the pages of The Dream Oracle without interest.

'Why, it's Potty Wee Potter!' cackled Peeves, allowing two of the inkwells to fall to the ground where they smashed and spattered the walls with ink; Harry jumped backwards out of the way with a snarl.
'Get out of it, Peeves.'
'Oooh, Crackpot's feeling cranky,' said Peeves, pursuing Harry along the corridor, leering as he zoomed along above him 'What is it this time, my fine Potty friend? Hearing voices? Seeing visions? Speaking in -' Peeves blew a gigantic raspberry '- tongues?'
'I said, leave me ALONE!' Harry shouted, running down the nearest flight of stairs, but Peeves merely slid down the banister on his back beside him.

'Oh, most think he's barking, the potty wee lad,
But some are more kindly and think he's just sad,
But Peevesy knows better and says that he's mad -'

'Did you listen to Dolores Umbridge's speech at the start-of-term feast, Potter?'
'Yeah,' said Harry. 'Yeah…she said…progress will be prohibited or…well, it meant that…that the Ministry of Magic is trying to interfere at Hogwarts.'
Professor McGonagall eyed him closely for a moment, then sniffed, walked around her desk and held open the door for him.
'Well, I'm glad you listen to Hermione Granger at any rate,' she said, pointing him out of her office.

Hermione yawned widely and poured herself some coffee. She looked mildly pleased about something, and when Ron asked her what she had to be so happy about, she simply said, ' The hats have gone. Seems the house-elves do want freedom after all.'
'I wouldn't bet on it,' Ron told her cuttingly. 'They might not count as clothes. They didn't look anything like hats to me, more like woolly bladders.'
Hermione did not speak to him all morning.

'If he calls Hagrid a moron one more time…' said Harry through gritted teeth.
'Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you…'
'Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?' said Harry sarcastically.

'Er - thanks very much, Ernie,' said Harry, taken aback. Ernie might be pompous on occasions like these, but Harry was in a mood to deeply appreciate a vote of confidence from somebody who was not wearing radishes in their ears.

'What now?' he muttered wearily, turning to face Angelina Johnson, who looked as though she was in a towering temper.
'I'll tell you what now,' she said, marching straight up to him and poking him hard in the chest with her finger. 'How come you've landed yourself in detention for five o'clock on Friday?'
'What?' said Harry. 'Why…oh yeah, Keeper tryouts!'
'Now he remembers!' snarled Angelina. 'Didn't I tell you I wanted to do a tryout with the whole team, and find someone who fitted in with everyone? Didn't I tell you I'd booked the Quidditch pitch specially? And now you've decided that you're not going to be there!'
'I didn't decided not to be there!' said Harry, stung by the injustice of the words. 'I got detention from that Umbridge woman, just because I told her the truth about You-Know-Who.'
'Well, you can just go straight to her and ask her to let you off on Friday,' said Angelina fiercely, 'and I don't care how you do it. Tell her You-Know-Who's a figment of your imagination if you like, just make sure you're there!'
She turned on her heel and stormed away.
'You know what?' Harry said to Ron and Hermione as they entered the Great Hall. 'I think we'd better check with Puddlemere United whether Oliver Wood's been killed during a training session, because Angelina seems to be channelling his spirit.'

Hermione drew herself up to her full height; her eyes were narrowed and her hair seemed to crackle with electricity.
'No,' she said, her voice quivering with anger, 'but I will write to your mother.'
'You wouldn't,' said George horrified, taking a step back from her.
'Oh, yes I would,' said Hermione grimly. 'I can't stop you from eating the stupid things yourself, but you're not giving them to first years.'
Fred and George looked thunderstruck. It was clear that as far as they were concerned, Hermione's threat was way below the belt.

We've got a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Umbridge. She's nearly as nice as your mum.

'Who've you got this afternoon?' Fred asked Harry.
'Trelawney -'
'A "T" (troll) if I ever saw one.'

'Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher,' said Harry loudly, 'there was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out the back of his head.'

However, Hermione, who was taking more subjects than either of them, had not only finished all her homework but was also finding time to knit more elf clothes. Harry had to admit that she was getting better; it was now almost always possible to distinguish between the hats and the socks.

'You know what?' Ron murmured, looking over at the bar with enthusiasm. 'We could order anything we liked in here. I bet that bloke would sell us anything, he wouldn't care. I've always wanted to try Firewhisky -'

'Here's an idea,' said Ron loudly, before Harry could speak, 'why don't you shut your mouth?'
Perhaps the word 'weasel' had affected Ron particularly strongly. In any case, he was now looking at Zacharias as though he would like nothing better than to thump him. Zacharias flushed.
'Well, we've all turned up to learn from him and now he's telling us he can't really do any of it,' he said.
'That's not what he said,' snarled Fred.
'Would you like us to clean out your ears for you?' enquired George, pulling a long and lethal-looking metal instrument from inside one of the Zonko's bags.
'Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this,' said Fred.

'Hope this clears up. What's up with you, Hermione?'
She, too, was gazing at the window, but not as though she really saw it. Her eyes were unfocused and there was a frown on her face.
'Just thinking…' she said, frowning at the rain-washed window.
'About Siri - Snuffles?' said Harry.
'No…not exactly…' said Hermione slowly. 'More…wondering…I suppose we're doing the right thing…I think…aren't we?'
Harry and Ron looked at each other.
'Well, that clears that up,' said Ron. It would've been really annoying if you hadn't explained yourself properly.'

'We could try the Fever Fudge,' George muttered, 'no one's seen that yet -'
'Does it work?' enquired Ron hopefully, as the hammering of rain on the roof intensified and wind howled around the building.
'Well, yeah,' said Fred, 'your temperature'll go right up.'
'But you get these massive pus-filled boils, too,' said George, 'and we haven't worked out how to get rid of them yet.'
'I can't see any boils,' said Ron, staring at the twins.
'No, well, you wouldn't,' said Fred darkly, 'they're not in a place we generally display to the public.'
'But they make sitting on a broom a right pain in the -'

'Last time, it was because he was pleased,' he said. 'Really pleased. He thought…something good was going to happen. And the night before we came back to Hogwarts…' he thought back to the moment when his scar had hurt so badly in his and Ron's bedroom in Grimmauld Place…'he was furious.'
He looked round at Ron, who was gaping at him.
'You could take over from Trelawney, mate,' he said in an awed voice.

'Dark detectors,' said Harry, stepping between the cushions to reach them. 'Basically, they all show when Dark wizards or enemies are around, but you don't want to rely on them too much, they can be fooled…'

'Oh, please,' said Zacharias Smith, rolling his eyes and folding his arms. 'I don't think Expelliarmus is exactly going to help us against You-Know-Who, do you?'

'And it's Johnson - Johnson with the Quaffle, what a player that girl is, I've been saying it for years but she still won't go out with me -'

'Weasley cannot save a thing,
He cannot block a single ring,
That's why Slytherins all sing:
Weasley is our King.

Weasley was born in a bin
He always lets the Quaffle in
Weasley will make sure we win
Weasley is our King.

'Mistletoe,' said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it. 'Good thinking,' said Luna very seriously. 'It's often infested with Nargles.'

'Well?' Ron said finally, looking up at Harry. 'How was it?'
'Wet,' he said truthfully.
Ron made a noise that might have indicated jubilation or disgust, it was hard to tell.
'Because she was crying,' Harry continued heavily.
'Oh,' said Ron, his smile fading slightly. 'Are you that bad at kissing?'
'Dunno,' said Harry, who hadn't considered this, and immediately felt rather worried. 'Maybe I am.'
'Of course you're not,' said Hermione absently, still scribbling away at her letter.
'How d'you know?' said Ron very sharply.
'Because Cho spends half her time crying these days,' said Hermione vaguely. 'She does it at mealtimes, in the loos, all over the place.'
'You'd think a bit of kissing would cheer her up,' said Ron, grinning.
'Ron,' said Hermione in a dignified voice, dipping the point of her quill into her inkpot, 'you are the most insensitive wart I have ever had the misfortune to meet.'
'What's that supposed to mean?' said Ron indignantly. 'What sort of person cries while someone's kissing them?'
'Yeah,' said Harry, slightly desperately, 'who does?'
Hermione looked at the pair of them with an almost pitying expression on her face.
'Don't you two understand how Cho's feeling at the moment?' she asked.
'No,' said Harry and Ron together.
Hermione sighed and laid down her quill.
'Well, obviously, she's feeling very sad, because of Cedric dying. Then I expect she's feeling confused because she liked Cedric and now she likes Harry, and she can't work out who she likes best. Then she'll be feeling guilty, thinking it's an insult to Cedric's memory to be kissing Harry at all, and she'll be worrying about what everyone else might say about her if she starts going out with Harry. And she probably can't work out what her feelings towards Harry are, anyway, because he was the one who was with Cedric when Cedric died, so that's all very mixed up and painful. Oh, and she's afraid she's going to be thrown off the Ravenclaw Quiidditch team because she's been flying so badly.'
A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, 'One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode.'
'Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have,' said Hermione nastily, picking up her quill again.

'You know,' said Phineas Nigellus, even more loudly than Harry, 'this is precisely why I loathed being a teacher! Young people are so infernally convinced that they are absolutely right about everything. Has it not occured to you, my poor puffed-up popinjay, that there might be an excellent reason why the Headmaster of Hogwarts is not confiding every tiny detail of his plans to you? Have you never paused, while feeling hard-done-by, to note that following Dumbledore's orders has never led you into harm? No. No, like all young people, you are quite sure that you alone feel and think, you alone recognise danger, you alone are the only one clever enough to realise what the Dark Lord may be planning -'

'No, no, house-elves can't leave unless they're given clothes. They're tied to their family's house,' said Sirius.
'They can leave the house if they really want to,' Harry contradicted him. 'Dobby did, he left the Malfoys' to give me warnings two years ago. He had to punish himself afterwards, but he still managed it.'
Sirius looked slightly disconcerted for a moment, then said, 'I'll look for him later, I expect I'll find him upstairs crying his eyes out over my mother's old bloomers or something. Of course, he might have crawled into the airing cupboard and died…but I mustn't get my hopes up.'

They walked along the corridor, through a set of double doors and found a rickety staircase lined with more portraits of brutal looking Healers. As they climbed it, the various Healers called out to them, diagnosing odd complaints and suggesting horrible remedies. Ron was seriously affronted when a medieval wizard called out that he clearly had a bad case of spattergroit.
'And what's the supposed to be?' he asked angrily, as the Healer pursued him through six more portraits, shoving the occupants out of the way.
''Tis a most grievous affliction of the skin, young master, that will leave you pockmarked and gruesome even than you are now -'
'Watch who you're calling gruesome!' said Ron, his ears turning red.
' - the only remedy is to take the liver of a toad, bind it tight around your throat, stand naked at the full moon in a barrel of eels' eyes -'
'I have not got spattergroit!'
'But the unsightly blemishes upon your visage, young master -'
'They're freckles!' said Ron furiously.

'Look, I didn't learn joined-up writing for nothing, you know!'

'Women!' he muttered angrily, sloshing down the rain-washed street with his hands in his pockets. 'What did she want to talk about Cedric for, anyway? Why does she always want to drag up a subject that makes her act like a human hosepipe!'

'Harry, you're worse than Ron...well, no, you're not,' she sighed as Ron himself came stumping into the Hall splattered with mud and looking grumpy.

'Has Ron saved a goal yet?' asked Hermione, peering over the top of Magical Hieroglyphs and Logograms.
'Well, he can do it if he thinks no one is watching him,' said Fred rolling his eyes. 'So all we have to do is ask the crowd to turn their backs and talk amongst themselves every time the Quaffle goes up his end on Saturday.'

''What exactly are you so happy about?' Harry asked her.
'Oh, Harry, don't you see?' Hermione breathed. 'If she could have done one thing to make absolutely sure that every single person in this school will read your interview, it was banning it!'

The teachers were of course forbidden from mentioning the interview by Educational Decree Number Twenty-six, but they found ways to express their feelings about it all the same...Professor Trelawney broke into hysterical sobs during Divination and announced to the startled class, and a disapproving Umbridge, that Harry was not going to suffer an early death after all, but would live to a ripe old age, become Minister for Magic and have twelve children.

'Ah,' said Dumbledore gently, 'yes. Yes, I thought we might hit that little snag.'
'Snag?' said Fudge, his voice still vibrating with joy. 'I see no snag, Dumbledore!'
'Well,' said Dumbledore apologetically, 'I'm afraid I do.'
'Oh, really?'
'Well - it's just that you seem to be labouring under the delusion that I am going to - what is the phrase? - come quietly. I am afraid I am not going to come quietly at all, Cornelius. I have absolutely no intention of being sent to Azkaban. I could break out, of course - but what a waste of time, and frankly, I can think of a whole host of things I would rather be doing.'

'Don't be silly, Dawlish,' said Dumbledore kindly. 'I'm sure you are an excellent Auror - I seem to remember that you achieved "Outstanding" in all your NEWT's - but if you attempt to - er - bring me in by force, I will have to hurt you.'

'You know, Minister, I disagree with Dumbledore on many counts…but you cannot deny he's got style…'

'Dumbledore will be back before long,' said Ernie Macmillan confidently on the way back from Herbology, after listening intently to Harry'' story. ''They couldn't keep him away in our second year and they won't be able to this time. The Fat Friar told me -' he dropped his voice conspiratorially, so that Harry, Ron and Hermione had to lean closer to him to hear - 'that Umbridge tried to get back into his office last night after they'd searched the castle and grounds for him. Couldn't get past the gargoyle. The Head's office has sealed itself against her.' Ernie smirked. 'Apparently, she had a right little tantrum.'

'The Inquisitorial Squad, Granger,' said Malfoy, pointing towards a tiny silver 'I' on his robes just beneath his prefect's badge. 'A select group of students who are supportive of the Ministry of Magic, hand-picked by Professor Umbridge. Anyway, members of the Inquisitorial Squad do have the power to dock points…so, Granger, I'll have five from you for being rude about our new Headmistress. Macmillan, five for contradicting me. Five because I don't like you, Potter. Weasley, your shirt's untucked, so I'll have another five for that. Oh yeah, I forgot, you're a Mudblood, Granger, so ten off for that.'

'New Head, new times…be good now, Potty…Weasel King…'

'Malfoy just docked us all about fifty points,' said Harry furiously, as they watched several more stones fly upwards from the Gryffindor hour-glass.
'Yeah, Montague tried to do us during break,' said George.
'What do you mean, "tried"?' said Ron quickly.
'He never managed to get all his words out,' said Fred, 'due to the fact that we forced him head-first into that Vanishing Cabinet on the first floor.'
Hermione looked very shocked.
'But you'll get into terrible trouble!'
'Not until Montague reappears, and that could take weeks, I dunno where we sent him,' said Fred coolly. 'Anyway…we've decided we don't care about getting into trouble any more.'
'Have you ever?' asked Hermione.
'Course we have,' said George. 'Never been expelled, have we?'
'We've always known where to draw the line,' said Fred.
'We might have put a toe across it occasionally,' said George.
'But we've always stopped short of causing real mayhem,' said Fred.
'But now?' said Ron tentatively.
'Well, now -' said George.
' - what with Dumbledore gone - ' said Fred.
' - we reckon a bit of mayhem -' said George.
' - is exactly what our new Head deserves,' said Fred.

'The Headmistress would like to see you, Potter,' he leered.
'I didn't do it,' said Harry stupidly, thinking of whatever Fred and George were planning.

'Impressive,' said Harry quietly, grinning. 'Very impressive…you'll put Dr Filibuster out of business, no problem…'
'Cheers,' whispered George, wiping tears of laughter from his face. 'Oh, I hope she tries Vanishing them next…they multiply by ten every time you try.'

The upshot of it all was that Professor Umbridge spent her first afternoon as Headmistress running all over the school answering the summonses of the other teachers, none of whom seemed able to rid their rooms of the fireworks without her. When the final bell rang and they were heading back to Gryffindor Tower with their bags, Harry saw, with immense satisfaction, a dishevelled and soot-blackened Umbridge tottering sweaty-faced from Professor Flitwick's classroom.
'Thank you so much, Professor!' said Professor Flitwick in his squeaky little voice. 'I could have got rid of the sparklers myself, of course, but I wasn't sure whether or not I had the authority.'

'This'll liven you up, Padfoot,' said James quietly. 'Look who it is…'
Sirius's head turned. He became very still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit.
'Excellent,' he said softly. 'Snivellus.'

'How'd the exam go, Snivelly?' said James.
'I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,' said Sirius viciously. 'There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word.'

'Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can - I'm surprised you broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK!'

'What is it with her?' said James, trying and failing to look as though this was a throwaway question of no real importance to him.
'Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate,' said Sirius.

'The thing about growing up with Fred and George,' said Ginny thoughtfully, 'is that you sort of start thinking anything's possible if you've got enough nerve.'
'Hermione,' said Ron in a low and indignant voice, 'are you going to stop telling Harry off and listen to Binns, or am I going to have to take my own notes?'

'Potter has no chance whatsoever of becoming an Auror!'
Professor McGonagall got to her feet, too, and in her case this was a much more impressive move; she towered over Professor Umbridge.
'Potter,' she said in ringing tones, 'I will assist you to become an Auror if it is the last thing I do! If I have to coach you nightly, I will make sure you achieve the required results!'

'Look, Harry,' said Sirius placatingly, ' James and Snape hated each other from the moment they set eyes on each other, it was just one of those things, you can understand that, can't you? I think James was everything Snape wanted to be - he was popular, he was good at Quidditch - good at pretty much everything. And Snape was just this little oddball who was up to his eyes in the Dark Arts, and James - whatever else he may have appeared to you, Harry - always hated the Dark Arts.'

'Very good, Argus,' she said. 'You two,' she went on, gazing down at Fred and George, 'are about to learn what happens to wrong-doers in my school.'
'You know what?' said Fred. 'I don't think we are.'
He turned to his twin.
'George,' said Fred, 'I think we've outgrown full-time education.'
'Yeah, I've been feeling that way myself,' said George lightly.
'Time to test our talents in the real world, d'you reckon?' asked Fred.
'Definitely,' said George.
And before Umbridge could say a word, they raised their wands and said together:
'Accio brooms!'
Harry heard a loud crash somewhere in the distance. Looking to his left, he ducked just in time. Fred and George's broomsticks, one still trailing the heavy chain and iron peg with which Umbridge had fastened them to the wall, were hurtling along the corridor towards their owners: they turned left, streaked down the stairs and stopped sharply in front of the twins, the chain clattering loudly on the flagged stone floor.
'We won't be seeing you,' Fred told Professor Umbridge, swinging his leg over his broomstick.
'Yeah, don't bother to keep in touch,' said George, mounting his own.
Fred looked around at the assembled students, at the silent, watchful crowd.
'If anyone fancies buying a Portable Swamp, as demonstrated upstairs, come to number ninety-three, Diagon Alley - Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes,' he said in a loud voice. 'Our new premises!'
'Special discounts to Hogwarts students who swear they're going to use our products to get rid of this old bat,' added George, pointing at Professor Umbridge.
'STOP THEM!' shrieked Umbridge, but it was too late. As the Inquisitorial Squad closed in, Fred and George kicked off from the floor, shooting fifteen feet into the air, the iron peg swinging dangerously below. Fred looked across the hall at the poltergeist bobbing no his level above the crowd.
'Give her hell from us, Peeves.'
And Peeves, who Harry had never seen take an order from a student before, swept his belled hat from his head and sprang to a salute as Fred and George wheeled about to tumultuous applause from the students below and sped out of the open front doors into the glorious sunset.

None of the staff but Filch seemed to be stirring themselves to help her. Indeed, a week after Fred and George's departure Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, 'It unscrews the other way.'

'Grawp's about sixteen feet tall, enjoys ripping up twenty-foot pine trees, and knows me,' she snorted, 'as Hermy.'

'Oh, you're so naïve sometimes, Harry. You really think Umbridge will wait for proof?' said Hermione, who seemed determined to be in a towering temper, and she swept off towards the girls' dormitories, banging the door behind her.
'Such a lovely, sweet-tempered girl,' said Ron, very quietly, prodding his queen forward to beat up one of Harry's knights.

'Well, we were always going to fail that one,' said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he had told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in his crystal ball, only to look up and realise he had been describing the examiner's reflection.

'And from now on, I don't care if my tea-leaves spell die, Ron, die - I'm just chucking them in the bin where they belong.'

'Honest, Harry, they're brains - look - Accio brain!'

'By all means continue destroying my possessions,' said Dumbledore serenely. 'I daresay I have too many.'

'Am I to understand,' said Phineas Nigellus slowly from Harry's left, 'that my great-great-grandson - the last of the Blacks - is dead?'

'Harry, I owe you an explanation,' said Dumbledore. 'An explanation of an old man's mistakes. For I see now that what I have done, and not done, with regard to you, bears all the hallmarks of the failings of age. Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young…and I seem to have forgotten, lately…'

'Sirius did not hate Kreacher,' said Dumbledore. 'He regarded him as a servant unworthy of much interest or notice. Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike…the fountain we destroyed tonight told a lie. We wizards have mistreated and abused our fellows for too long, and we are now reaping our reward.'

'I feel I owe you another explanation, Harry,' said Dumbledore hesitantly. 'You may, perhaps, have wondered why I never chose you as a prefect? I must confess…that I rather thought…you had enough responsibility to be going on with'
Harry looked up at him and saw a tear trickling down Dumbledore's face into his long silver beard.

Malfoy glanced around - Harry knew he was checking for signs of teachers - then he looked back at Harry and said in a low voice, 'You're dead, Potter.'
Harry raised his eyebrows.
'Funny,' he said, 'you'd think I'd have stopped walking around…'

'Right then,' said Professor McGonagall, looking up at the hour-glasses on the wall. 'Well, I think Potter and his friends ought to have fifty points apiece for alerting the world to the return of You-Know-Who! What say you, Professor Snape?'

'Good evening,' he said, withdrawing the rest of his body from the solid stone and smiling at Harry. 'I am not the only one who is late, then? Though,' he sighed, 'in a rather different sense, of course…' -Nearly Headless Nick

'Wizards can leave an imprint of themselves upon the earth, to walk palely where their living selves once trod,' said Nick miserably. 'But very few wizards choose that path.'

'I know nothing of the secrets of death, Harry, for I chose my feeble imitation of life instead.'

'I am not aware that it is any of your business what goes on in my house -'
'I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursley,' growled Moody.

' - Yeah, if we get any hint that Potter's mistreated in any way, you'll have us to answer,' said Moody.
Uncle Vernon swelled ominously. His sense of outrage seemed to outweigh even his fear of this bunch of oddballs.
'Are you threatening me, sir?' he said, so loudly that passers-by actually turned to stare.
'Yes, I am,' said Mad-Eye, who seemed rather pleased that Uncle Vernon had grasped this fact so quickly.
'And do I look like the kind of man who can be intimidated?' barked Uncle Vernon.
'Well…' said Moody, pushing back his bowler hat to reveal his sinisterly revolving magical eye. Uncle Vernon leapt backwards in horror and collided painfully with a luggage trolley. 'Yes, I'd have to say you do, Dursley.'

Miscellaneous

'Listen, if you two [Fred and George] don't take [the gold], I'm throwing it down the drain. I don't want it and I don't need it. But I could do with a few laughs. We could all do with a few laughs. I've got a feeling we're going to need them more than usual before long.
'You can't give a Dementor the old one-two!'

Hermione frowned at Ron.
'He's not a nutter, Ron -'
'His life ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque just like his mother,' said Ron irritably. 'Is that normal, Hermione?'

'Longbottom, if brains were gold you'd be poorer than Weasley, and that's saying something.'

Mr Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a Professor.

Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.

'He sounds exactly like Moody,' said Harry quietly, tucking the letter away again inside his robes. '"Constant vigilance!" You'd think I walk around with my eyes shut, banging off walls…'

George looked up in time to see Malfoy pretending to faint with terror again.
'That little git,' he said calmly. 'He wasn't so cocky last night when the Dementor's were down our end of the train. Came running into our compartment, didn't he, Fred?'
'Nearly wet himself,' said Fred, with a contemptuous glance at Malfoy.

'I was saying that Saturn was surely in a position of power in the heavens at the moment of your birth…your dark hair…your mean stature…tragic losses so young in life…I think I am right in saying, my dear, that you were born in midwinter?'
'No,' said Harry, 'I was born in July.'
Ron hastily turned his laugh into a hacking cough.

'Enjoying it?' said Ron darkly. 'I don't reckon he'd come home if Dad didn't make him. He's obsessed. Just don't get him onto the subject of his boss. According to Mr. Crouch…as I was saying to Mr Crouch…Mr Crouch is of the opinion…Mr Crouch was telling me…they'll be announcing their engagement any day now.'

'You don't know how bizarre it is to see Goyle thinking.'

'Half an inch of skin and sinew holding my neck on, Harry! Most people would think that's good as beheaded, but oh, no, it's not enough for Sir Properly Decapitated-Podmore!'

'Who're you going with them?'
'Anglelina.'
'What? You've already asked her?'
'Good point. Oi, Angelina! Want to come to the ball with me?'

'Twitchy little ferret, aren't you Malfoy?'

'We're not doing anything new?' said Zacharias Smith, in a disgruntled whisper loud enough to carry through the room. 'If I'd known that, I wouldn't have come…'
'We're really sorry Harry didn't tell you, then,' said Fred loudly.

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