One birth mothers story

My whole world crashed down around me in an instant. I had never known fear like this.
I can only describe it as terror. It was the only time in my life I can say I have ever truly been
terrified. I spent two days balled up on a couch crying as I have never creid before. I felt deep in my being that I would never live through a pregnancy, would never live through giving birth, and how could I ever support a child when I myself live with my father. Not to mention the unbelievable guilt and shame over getting pregnant. See I am a lesbian and had been in a long term relationship with a woman who I loved dearly. So you ask how did I get pregnant? Good question. Without getting into all the gorry details I'll just tell you that there is a point when you have taken enough drugs and drank enough alcohol that you dont really know what is going on around you, and couldnt do anything about it even if you wanted to. Well a few days after I found out I was pregnant my father drove my car drunk, hit another car, and took off, he was put in jail and I had to go bail him out. It was then that I realised that if I were to raise this child he would grow up much like I had, and probably grow up to live the way my father and I were. I didnt want my child growing up like I had, didnt want him to have to bail me out of jail one day, I didnt want him to be ashamed to bring freinds over the house, or to have to put his drunk mother to bed,. I also didnt want him to not have the things most children have the toys, the clothes, the bike, whatever the case may be. But most importantly I wanted him to grow up being and feeling loved. I see so many people who resent their children, because since they have become parents they no longer have the time to do the things they wanted to do with their lives or however you want to phrase it, I know you know people like this. It isnt to say they dont love their children, but they often are very impatient with them.

To put it in a nutshell I wanted my child to have a good life and feel loved, and knew I wouldnt be able to give him the kind of life I wanted him to have, so I started to call adoption agencies. I called 5 agencies and the first 4 I didnt speak with anyone, the last call I made I actually got to talk to someone and got to go in and speak with someone every week. The agency was very good to me. I interveiwed couples looking to adopt and set up everything the way I wanted it. On June 5th of 1998 I gave birth to a baby boy named "Jacob"


It was the most wonderful and hardest expereince of my life. But I know of 3 People who's lives are much more fulfilled since that day. I have read so many stories and had women approach me with their own birth-mother story. I am always greatfull to talk to another birth-mother. But I am also very sadenned by the amount of shame birth-mothers carry with them. I have never and will never feel shameful about making sure this child is cared for in a way I cannot provide. He is a healthy happy child, with two adoring parents. As for me my life struggle continues, at the time of this writing I have remained sober and clean since I learned of my pregnancy and hope to never return to the old lifestyle again. I do look foward to having another child someday and raising that child in a loving and safe home. But I am not ready for that right now.

Please if you are a birth-mother reading this, try to find peace in your decision.

I have had many people tell my it was a self-less decision, I dont know if it was so selfless, because I know and knew I wasnt ready for that commitment,
I think parenting it self is selfless act, and it lasts a lifetime.

For now I can do my best to be someone I can be proud of and that my son, if and when I ever do get to see him again, will be proud of.

Thank you for taking the time to read this story, there are so many other stories out there. And so much shame, but if we slowly bring our stories into the light the shame will fade away.

Be Beautiful!!


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