Title: Love Letters

Author: Scarlet

Email address:[email protected]

Fandom: Buffy/Angel

Pairing(s): Andrew/Xander

Category: First Time (sort of), Romance

Challenge: A-7, 40 B-12, 14, 41 C-2

Warnings: None

Rating: R

Summary: Xander and Andrew exchange letters while Andrew spends the summer with Giles.

Author's Notes: Set Post-Chosen.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Xander,

How are you? I am fine. Mr. Giles is teaching me lots of great things here in England. There was a symposium on aural projection last night which was really enlightening and on the way home, Mr. Giles showed me a real old castle. It looked kinda like the one from Dracula and the Voyage of the Amazon Women but without the flag things. Remember when we watched that and Dawn said she'd rather eat her own toenails than stay until the end? That was funny. See you in three months. I hope this letter gets to you fast. Coven Postal Service doesn't sound especially trustworthy but what do I know? Mr. Giles says he sends all of his letters that way so we'll see.

Andrew

*****

Dear Andrew,

I got your letter right away! Those witches can be one mean Pony Express, I guess. I'm glad you got to England okay. What's the time difference like over there? Merry and Pippin say howdy and Dawn wants to know if you and Giles have bought her anything, yet. Don't let Giles keep you indoors all of the time. Live a little. That's what all of this is about, right? I hope you learn a lot. Say hola to the G-man. Is England cool?

Xander

*****

Dear Xander,

England is super! I almost don't want to leave! I'm having trouble figuring out the time difference, though. Mr. Giles says that even a child should be able to figure it out but I hope he was kidding. He also took me to a pub last night and let me have some of his Guinness. It was kinda gross. Today we heard a lecture from a Semloth demon and drank tea. It was fun. Say hello to everyone.

Andrew

*****

Dear Andrew,

It sounds like you're having a great time. I told you Giles could show you a good time despite the tweed. He's a regular party weasel when you get a little Earl Grey down him.

I miss you. Dawn says hello and Buffy wants you to find out what marmite is. You must be learning a lot at the Watcher's Convocation. Work hard and have fun. Not to much fun. Just regular fun. Without other guys or

I miss you.

Xander

*****

Dear Xander,

Top of the morning to ya! Is that English? I think so. I don't really spend that much time around English people. Most of the new watchers are American on account of the Hellmouth. Did you know there was also one in Duluth? Weird. I'm learning so much stuff. It's amazing. I went to a symposium on lycanthropic migratory patterns and I learned a ton of new stuff about this totally domesticated clan in New Haven. I think you should call your friend Oz because these wolves sound like happening guys and gals. England is just so GREAT! I just LOVE IT HERE!

I hope you like the Toblerone bar I sent you. It has toffee in it and it's really delicious and much better than American chocolate according to Giles but I can't tell the difference. Giles says the same thing about tea. I don't get it, personally. I still say coffee is way superior. I hope you liked the scarf I knitted, too. It gets kind of boring here, but I guess that's okay. I don't know if you like the stuff I sent you since I haven't heard from you in a while. You're probably busy or something.

I guess I should get to bed. We have an early day tomorrow. Giles is going to show me another castle and then we're going to a lecture by some guy who wrote a really big book on witches. I miss you. I hope you're not You were probably right about how I need a career and how nothing good is ever gonna happen to me in Cleveland unless I make it happen. I sure hope you're doing well. How are Merry and Pippin? Make sure they have enough food--but not too much. Pippin was looking a little chubby when I left. And don't let them eat those organic flakes that Willow left. I think it makes them high. Just use the fish flakes in the yellow container.

Say hello to Willow and the girls. I miss you.

Andrew

*****

Dear Andrew,

Merry and Pippin say SMOOCH! Get it? Because they're Kissing Fish? Our kissing cousins--ha ha!. Thanks for the scarf and the chocolate. The chocolate is gone (yum!) and the scarf was really nice. Thank you.

I'm glad you're having a good time. I knew you would. You don't need Cleveland for anything. It's just a lame city. You deserve better things, Andrew. Like those werewolf seminars and stuff. I’m sure you don't Try to think of me when you're having all of that cranium-bulging good fun. I bet you and G-man are tearing up London!

Buffy has a new boyfriend. He's kind of a tool, so of course she loves him. We'll see how THAT turns out. Things are good at work. The hours are long, but at least it's low pay. That’s sarcasm, by the way. In case you haven't heard any lately, being in the snooty set now. They're sending me to Dayton this weekend. Dawn is gonna watch the "kids" while I'm there. I'll remind her about the food. It's weird not having my roomie around to remind me of that stuff. You're right, though. It's for the best. I think about what happened all the time. You're the last thing I think

Love Best Wishes,

Xander

******

Dear Xander,

Giles and I saw another castle today. There seem to be quite a lot in this country. Maybe it was a church. I'm not clear. Oh! Don't tell Buffy what Marmite is. Just buy some, and then make her eat it. Trust me.

It's strange living alone. I mean, I'm around other watchers and stuff, but it's weird not coming home to you the apartment. It's weird that I can't talk to you my roomie all the time like I used to. I miss that. It's weird not having any other friends besides Giles. It's been a while now and you're right. Perspective is good. It helps. I guess. So, when you said it was good for me to come here for the summer, you were probably right. I know I was a turd and stuff when we had that fight talk about it but it's for the best because I LOVE ENGLAND SO MUCH and I'm learning my butt off. I even met this really neat watcher named Tony that's teaching me about locator spells. It's really fun.

I was pleased to hear that you liked the scarf. It only took about twenty hours to do. I hope it was long enough. I know you won't need to use it in the summer. Or maybe guys shouldn’t wear scarves their friends make or something. You don't have to wear it if you don't like it. It won't hurt my feelings or

I better go. Giles want's to eat dinner and then we have to go to bed early because there's a castle or a church or something we have to see tomorrow or he'll have a conniption fit.

Andrew

*****

Dear Andrew,

I'm just so freaking THRILLED that you're having such a WONDERFUL time in England. Can't wait to hear more about TONY and his fabulous SPELLS. I hope you do lot's of SPELLS together and

<Hey, Andrew. It's me. Dawn. Xander's a little drunk. I'm not sure if I should send this or not or whatever. Hey, did you really meet a guy? >

*****

Dawn,

Why do you think I met a guy? You mean, like a "guy" guy? No way. You know how things are. Or aren't. Or whatever.

Miss you , Dawnie. Things suck here. Please don't tell Xander that, though. Okay? Please?

Andrew

*****

Dear Andrew,

It was nice to hear from you. I'm glad that you are having a nice time and learning new things. Please give my best to Giles.

Xander

******

Dear Xander,

What's with the cryptic three-sentence letter? Are you mad at me? Maybe work is just hard this week. It's probably just me. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. How was Dayton?

I saw this guy today that looked just like Mr. Bean. He's a watcher from Wales and he wears pink socks. Really strange. Mr. Giles seems to like him, though. I think he's coming over for dinner. I don't see Mr. Giles that much. His friend Olivia comes over a lot and they go out sometimes. I'm really lonely happy for him. It's nice to have a friend. It's even nicer to have a special friend that makes you feel

Never mind. I know you don't want to talk about what happened. I'm cool with it. Like you said. About being apart and hearts growing stronger. Maybe it was just a fluke, like you said, because I don't think about you all the time like I thought I would. There's just so much to see and do here in England. I LOVE IT! Are you sure things are okay back home?

Andrew

*****

Andrew,

What the hell did you write to him? He hasn't left his room in four days. He just keeps wandering around eating Ho-Hos and wearing that stupid scarf. Where did you find that thing? It's way too long and it looks kind of like a kid made it but he won't take the freaking thing off.

Anyway, what have you bought for me? I expect many exciting gifts when you guys get back!

*****

Dear Andrew,

It sounds like you're really loving life in England. Does this mean you'll be staying there at the end of the summer? Giles said that Mr. Bean guy offered you a job with the counsel out there. That would be a really great opportunity. Really great. Really I’m just so happy that you're doing well. Things are GREAT here. And don't worry. You have my word of honor that the story I have been telling is the truth…Okay, mixed with a little fiction… Alright, I'm lying my butt off.

This is so fucking stupid, Andy. What the hell am I doing? What the hell are *we* doing? You obviously want to stay there and I'm just sitting here in Cleveland like some stupid war bride waiting for my man to come home, only I don't have a man. I have a roomate. That I kissed. And slept with once. And kinda love but

Just do what makes you happy, Andy. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm glad that England is so great and that you're ready to make a life for yourself there. You deserve to be happy. I love miss you.

Xander

*****

Dearest Xander,

You're kind of a dumbass. Hate England. Miss you. Everything I told you was a big fat lie. Want to come home. NOW! Too bad there's still four more weeks to go. I've been thinking

Damn. Mr. Giles want's me to go with him to visit the church of St. Something or Other who did something great at a castle in England. I hate this! I'll write soon. I miss you

More later.

--Okay, it's later.

I thought about you this whole time and I realize that I don't know what I want to say. I don't want to say anything (more) stupid than I already did earlier today. In the letter I mean. You know what I mean. It's probably stupid. It's just, I took your advice once and here I am. In England. Did you know they don't have Taco Bell anywhere around here, Xander? And now you tell me that I have to do what makes me happy. But if I did that, I would be in your bed by morning and I wouldn't leave it for the rest of the summer. I'd do whatever took to make you love me happy. But then again, your other advice hasn't made me happy. But that's not your fault I don’t think, so don't feel bad. I think it's just me. It usually is. I'm probably not making much sense. Did I mention that it was a BIG castle? We walked. Need I say more?

You don't have to answer. You don't have to feel guilty or anything. I just miss our apartment. Our fish. I miss my roomate.

Andrew

*****

Andrew,

Does England really suck or were you just being nice? I don't really know what to say. I don't want to say the wrong thing like that time at home when.

So…Duluth was lame, as I expected. Six hours a day on new trends in building materials. I was praying for a postal worker to end our suffering. It did give me a lot of time to think, though. About us. Our apartment, I mean. I think we should retile the bathroom and maybe the kitchen. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

I was feeding Merry and Pippin the other day and I dropped the flakes all over the couch. Then I had to dig them all out. Not right away, of course. I noticed the couch stinking a couple of days later and THEN I cleaned it out. (I didn't change overnight or anything. Don't worry. Still big with the Mr. Slob.) When I was vacuuming the cushions, I found the missing remote. The remote that started all of this. I must have held onto it for an hour. The TV wasn't even on.

I miss you. I said it before, but you seemed to be having so much fun that I didn't want to

Not sure what I wanted. Want. Well, that's not true. I know what I want. I'm just not sure I should want it. Or have it or something. I know I don't make sense. That's nothing new. Xander babbling incoherently? I guess that makes us kind of perfect for each other.

I laid down on the couch for most of the afternoon today. Just watched whatever was on TV and pretended you were sitting with me, heckling cartoons like we used to before I started this whole drama ball rolling. But it was your fault too, you know. If you hadn't lost the remote then I never would have had to go looking for it and then I wouldn't have been reaching under you and I wouldn't have felt your beautiful cock the way you were feeling. So I never would have known. Then I never would have kissed you. I never would have made love to you and I wouldn't be sitting here in the bathroom writing a letter like a lame ass. Or a dumbass. That's what you called me, right?

You said that if you had your way, you'd be home right now in my bed. Is that still true?

Xander

*****

Xander,

If I were home right now, I wouldn't just be in your bed. I'd be in *you* and I'd never leave. I miss you, Xan. I'm so lonely. And it's not because people aren't nice. They are. Really nice. But they're not you. I miss your mouth--your smile and the way you kissed me. I miss eating pizza at six thirty in the morning and that not being weird. I miss making up crazy stories about what Merry and Pippin do while we're at work.

You said that I should leave and find a career. That sleeping together was a fluke and that I don't really love you. You said all of these things, but it's not about any of them is it? It's not even about *me*. It's about you. What do you want, Xander? Because I know what I want. I want you. Wherever you are. Cleveland or Dayton or England. Maybe not England. I can't take too many more historical things. But maybe if you were here it would make everything okay.

I'll find a job I like and so will you. Maybe we'll be successful and maybe we won't but don't you think that if we're *together*, it won't matter? I hope so. Maybe I'm totally off base and you don't even like me a little. That's what keeps me awake at night. That and Mr. Giles and his lady friend. They're really loud. Sometimes I lay awake at night (not listening to them on purpose or anything) and I think about that night. Or I guess it was morning but it was dark so it seemed like night. I think about us watching Billy Madison for the eleventh time and eating pizza and you remembering about that Star Trek marathon that was on and looking for the remote and

I wonder if you know how much I wanted you. I used to watch you on our mornings. That's what I used to call them. Our Mornings. When I came home from work and you were leaving for work and we'd eat all of the leftovers I brought back after closing. You'd just sit there and watch TV or eat or talk with me like a real boyfriend and all I'd be thinking is how I wanted you to call in sick for work just one of those days. I used to daydream that you would kiss me and then we'd fool around and you'd realized that it was too late to go in so you'd call your boss and say you were sick. Then, in my fantasy, you'd spend the whole day with me and it would just be…perfect.

I sat there every morning and dreamed the same fantasy. Different movies. Different toppings. Always the same daydream. Then Billy Madison and Star Trek and the remote. You kissed me and I thought I'd die; I thought I would just dissolve away like a Transporter Room to heaven. And you didn't stop! That was the amazing thing. You kissed me and touched me and turned off the TV and kissed me some more and it was like you really liked me. Kinda like you really wanted to be with me which I know is too much to hope for. I mean, I knew it was too much to hope for then and it's WAY too much to hope for now, but this is a letter, right? I won't blush or get embarrassed 'cause I won't even be there when you read it.

And you didn't even bother calling in sick. You just stayed with me all day. Do you remember what you said when I was finally brave enough to touch you *there*? That's when you said, "Will you come to my room with me?" You asked me a question. It was so strange and wonderful because why in the world would I NOT want to come with you? But you just asked so quiet and breathless--like you were nervous or something. I don't know why you would be nervous. You were so amazing. Like a pro.

Okay, maybe not like a pro. I don't mean to imply that you were like a prostitute or something. You know what I mean, right? I'm saying this all wrong. I hate this! I hate not being right in front of you and being able to talk about absolutely everything like we used to. I know your "no phones" rule sounded good at the time but now I can't remember why.

I love you, Xander. I guess that's what I’m trying to say. I told you in Cleveland and I know you kinda freaked out but it's taken me almost three months to realize that the whole "freaking out" thing wasn't my fault. Or anyone's fault. It's not wrong to be confused, Xander. I just want you to figure everything out. I don't expect you to love me or to think that Our Mornings were special or anything. You don't even have to say "I love you" back. I'm just starting to realize that I can't figure things out for you. You have to do that for yourself. I can only figure *me* out and I did. I know what I want. I want you.

Love,

Andrew

*****

Andrew,

Oh, Andrew…There's so much I want to say. So much I could say. But I'd rather just be kissing you. Touching you. Inside of you.

You're kind of a cheesehead, you know? Sometimes I wonder about you. I really do. I wonder how you could be so totally and completely lame. I mean, you *do* realize that I don't go into work until eight o'clock, right? Do the subtraction. You get off at three o'clock….kinda not the hours normal people keep. Not the hours the other guys I work with keep. Are you catching on, now?

When I felt you When I finally figured out that you felt the same way I did, I couldn't even talk. I think that's why I had to kiss you. Because my voice didn't work but my mouth still did. And *your* mouth…damn! Andrew, why didn't you ever tell me about your mouth? I was blown away.

Wrong choice of words. Or maybe right. Whatever. Open mouth, insert foot, ankle, and calf, Xander.

You said that when I asked you to come to my room I sounded nervous. I think "terrified" captures the spirit of the moment much better. I was so terrified that you wouldn't want to. Or that you were just bored and needed something to unwind after work or

Lame. I know. But people crushing on the XanMan doesn't happen so often. Especially guy-people. Humor me. I was so scared and so excited. You almost made me come a dozen times just on our old ugly couch. I loved the way you held my back. Did I tell you that? It's probably lame to say it, but I loved kissing you and feeling your hands on my back. Then, in my bed, your hands were everywhere. I didn't think it was possible to want someone so much. To want to be so close to any one person so much that the only way to get closer is to actually get inside.

I’m glad I didn't go to work. I'm glad it was raining and I'm so glad you said "yes" when I asked you to come to my room. I still can't believe you actually let me make love to you. Me. Xander. You were so tight and so hot and I thought I'd pass out--almost did, but I didn't tell you that. (What if I couldn't do the same for *you*?) I remember how, after I'd come and you'd come, we lay all sweaty and sticky in those stupid flowered sheets that Buffy bought me when we moved in and I just listened to you breathing. I knew you'd been at work all night and you still smelled kind of like pizza--which is definitely of the good, by the way--and I remember saying, "It must be getting late for you."

Do you remember that? It's not the only time I wished I could turn back time, but it's the most vivid in my memory. Seeing that look on your face…god. And the way you sat right up and started looking for your clothes and apologizing. I felt like a first class asshole. You know that wasn't what I meant at all, right? I mean, I know I apologized, but I want you to KNOW that I wasn't trying to tell you to leave or anything. I was trying to say in my own lame way that you shouldn't leave. That you didn't have to. I wanted you to stay all day--all night--all FOREVER--if you would just breathe right next to my ear like you'd been doing.

All I could do was show you. You know me and words have never been on good terms. You looked so surprised when I yanked you back into bed and pinned you there with my mouth. You should have seen the look on your face. It was priceless! And then sucking your cock… Is that crude? Should I not be saying that in a letter? Is there an etiquette for this kinda thing? Maybe you're only supposed to say "sucking your cock" in person. I don't care. I'll say it again. I loved sucking your cock. Loved the way you made those tiny sounds. You're so quiet! I think that's so funny. You go a million miles an hour by day, but when your cock is in my mouth, I steal your voice away. I love that. Love you.

I'm sorry I got scared. That's what it was. I know that now. Just scared. I got stupid and I got scared. I still don't know if it was the guy thing or the YOU thing or what. Maybe it's just classic Xander. Face a couple of Apocalypses? No problem. Fall in love with your roommate who happens to be a guy? Terrified beyond words. I'm not what one would call "lucky in love" most of the time. Or any of the time. But I'm lucky that I found you. You're what I think about when I wake up. You're the last thing I think about before I go to bed. I love you, Andy. I want to be with you if you want to be with me. I won't apologize anymore. That's done. It's just me now. I need you. Want you. I love you.

I realize now that I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. Which reminds me, what are the job prospects like in England? By the time you get this letter, I should be somewhere over the Atlantic. The coven offered to transport me here, but you know magic and me. Not always a safe combo. Besides, I didn't know how well Merry and Pippin would do being transported magically and I wouldn't come to see you without them. Anyway, I should be there soon and then you can explain how you think I'm a prostitute. Ha ha ha. If it's not too late and I haven't made a complete ass of myself yet, then meet me at the gate. Pan Am, flight #2331. I'd say it's the eleven thirty flight, but I know about you and time differences.

My love forever,

Xander