The next best thing
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. B24, 28 June 2001

In the episode of Friends where Rachel is concerned that she might not get married at all, she and Phoebe decided on making Ross and Joey their back-ups. The two drew lots. Rachel drew Joey and Phoebe drew Ross.

Some months ago, I had a discussion with a childhood friend of mine about the joys and pains of singlehood after she told me the news that she will be getting married in the coming year. Honestly, I felt she was trying to see if I would convince her to change her mind, to talk her out of her decision. Despite the joys of singlehood that I try to discover every day, I am truly very happy that she has found that someone with whom she could spend the rest of her life.

In the course of our over-analysis and over-assessment of singlehood, we talked about options that are still available to single people. What if you do not find the one true love of your life? Do you simply give up and pretend you don't give a damn? Or do you resort to unconventional options that are probably perceived to be too contrived or progressive for the taste of society in general?

As I count my singlehood days, I had been thinking of options, an alternative to the grand plan set by our forefathers. The grand plan is to meet a perfect man or woman in this lifetime and marry while still in the child-bearing age to give the societal expectation to procreate. While all of us who are still single are still trying to implement that plan, we are slapped with reality.

Not all plans work out. First, there is no perfect person, just the perfect one for you. Second, even if you meet the perfect person for you, you can never be so sure to marry him or her at the time to raise the family you are expected of you. So just like all grand plans, there should be an alternative plan, another option. And if your plan to marry the person of your dream is foiled, what is the alternative? Do you then start searching for a back-up person?

In the episode of Friends where Rachel is concerned that she might not get married at all, she and Phoebe decided on making Ross and Joey their back-ups. The two drew lots. Rachel drew Joey and Phoebe drew Ross. After thinking for about two seconds, they switched the names they picked randomly since it was pretty obvious that Rachel would rather spend the rest of her life with her ex-boyfriend Ross and Phoebe, who cannot stand Ross occasionally, will probably be happier with Joey.

"Everyone should have a back-up," said my friend. Although most of us singles are still dreaming of finding the perfect mate, there is such a thing as default. And if after looking for 35 years the perfect person for you is still nowhere in sight, the best alternative, according to my friend, is to identify as many back-ups as you can just in case back-up number one goes off and marries somebody else.

Concerned, my soon-to-be-married friend encouraged me some more to find my own backup. At this point, I felt that she was no longer interested in making me talk her out of marriage. She was encouraging me to find what she has found or the next best thing in the guise of a back-up.

A back-up is usually a friend who listens to and can stand your whims. A back-up is someone who is equally single and would more or less feel the same about you. It would be a bonus if Mr. Back-Up turns out to be a cutie but then if he’s not, he should be able to communicate with you. The criteria for backup is actually very subjective. It largely depends on who you can stand rather than who you prefer.

A single friend of mine confessed that she has a backup. She and her back-up had agreed that if at the age of 40, both of them are still single, they will just get married and live together for the rest of their lives. Her back-up is an ex-boyfriend whom she claims to now love in a brotherly kind of way. They had relationship problems before but she knew if she tried harder, it would have worked out.

Some people say the best candidate for a backup is an ex-boyfriend because somehow, there would already be a great deal of familiarity. But I don’t think so and that could only be possible for those who parted off as friends. Some say an opposite-sex bestfriend is the top of the back-up list. But this can only be true for those whose friends are still single. So if most of your friends are already married, make more friends. Have endless encounters with interesting new people, those who can be potentially be backups in the future.

Honestly, I got so confused about the backup bit. Instead of looking for a backup, I ended up looking for my preferred qualities. Well, if I am going to be too choosy about my backup, might as well make the back-up the priority.

I have nothing against those who are amenable to settling for a second best even if I still keep the same standards for a lifetime mate. Life have taught us time and again that we do not always get what we want anyway so sometimes, it is best to just make most of what you already have. Besides, if you are lucky, maybe your backup can turn out to be better than your first choice. There is absolutely no way to find out. Some people marry the man of their dreams only to find themselves later on trapped in a nightmare that never ends.

Choosing your backup can just be as grueling though. It could be as hard as finding your perfect mate. Although I have a few candidates in my backup list, I still have a hard time trying to figure out if they should remain there or if they should be transferred to my list of preferred husbands. The more I try to get to know my prospective backup, the more I tend to get endeared to him. The confusion can be a tricky exercise. What if you fall in love with your backup? That’s okay, too, but only if no one gets hurt in the process. Let’s hope the search will make you more adventurous, not suicidal.

In any case, having a backup is definitely an option for single people. And if the search turns out to be scary and tiring rather than encouraging and fun, there are other options, one of which is to just remain happily single until such time when a backup is no longer necessary.

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].