Searching for a good, decent man
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. B24, 21 June 2001

A friend offered to find me a date. When I honestly told him I wanted someone who will not jeopardize the looks of my children, he told me I was asking too much. Maybe I was. But when I told him I also wanted someone who is decent and kind, he reacted as if I was asking for the moon. The search is grueling, if not futile.

In one of last season's episodes of Sex and the City, Miranda, the successful 30-something lawyer, got so fed up with her three friends because they had nothing better to talk about than their relationships with the men they were dating. She walked out of their discussion, so pissed because she could not believe that professionally successful and intelligent as they were, they could not find anything better to talk about.

Most of my conversations with my female single friends were pretty much the same. What else is there for single women to talk about? Unless somebody jumps off the building where you work, stories about what you do at work can really get old. You definitely cannot engage in endless conversations about kids and their school, the way your married friends do. The fact is however you start a conversation, it always leads to the tales of men and how to live with or without them.

One of the most common topics of conversations between my equally single girlfriends is the fact that this planet apparently falls short of men to date. Although I am not an avid fan of dating, I would probably try it once in a while if I do find someone suitable for my taste. By that, I mean someone I could have as my friend in case the date does not turn out to be a romance. What sucks is that sometimes there is absolutely no one available to ask you out? As my friend said, "It's not like someone just would fall from the sky (just like in that silly liquor commercial) the moment I decide I want to start dating again."

The search is grueling, if not futile. Someone who offered to find me a date asked me what I am looking for. When I honestly told him I wanted to date someone who will not jeopardize the looks of my children, he told me I was asking too much. Alright. Maybe I was. But when I told him I also wanted someone who is decent and kind, he reacted as if I was asking for the moon.

Did he honestly expect me to tell him I wanted to meet someone who doesn't give a hoot about anybody but himself? Geez, can't a girl dream anymore? Dreaming is still free, right? Besides, he asked me what I wanted, not what I dreaded. But the sad truth is that we do not always get what we want. In fact, most of the time, we just try to appreciate what we get, which is not entirely bad.

But really, is it really too much to ask for a decent person? A friend of mine recently set up a single friend with a decent guy. He turned out to be pretty decent, not a hunk but, nevertheless, decent. My single friend panicked. Apparently, she has not dated any decent guy recently and started a self-bashing session with me. "I think I am a masochist. He is too good for me. He deserves someone better," she said. The problem with dating too many losers is that you can never pick out a winner in a crowd even if you tried. I told her to get hold of herself and enjoy the moment since decency comes rare nowadays.

My single friend had her share of heartbreaks with the guys she dated. I couldn't blame her. Recently, someone she had been seeing had been giving her all the signs minus a commitment. Maybe he was not ready for a relationship with her or with anybody. I believe everyone should be given ample time to decide whether or not they should want to enter into a commitment. Better safe than sorry, they say.

While waiting for the guy to make up his mind, my friend received an unsolicited advice, through text, of course, not to date him because he already has a girlfriend. Jerk, I thought. But, hey, text messages aren't always true. He denied the allegation and still went on flirting and going out with her. Now whether this guy is a certified jerk or not, I wouldn't really know since I have yet to meet him. But it did give my friend a fair share of anxiety attacks.

Let's look at all angles. Maybe it was just a nasty rumor circulated by a girl who had fallen desperately in love with him, enough to ruin his life? Or maybe, he does not consider the other girl his girlfriend, but on the contrary, she does? Maybe he is such a hunk that too many girls claim to be his girlfriend? Maybe the girlfriend is an ex and the text message, just like most text jokes, is a year too late?

But let's say, for the sake or argument, the guy does have a girlfriend. I could not, for the life of me, tolerate this kind of behavior. If some guy, or girl for that matter, feels that they would rather be with someone else rather than his or her "declared" partner, then why have the relationship in the first place? To fatten up the ego, perhaps? That is so cocky, even if it can sometimes be true. No wonder the commitment issue persists. The annoying thing is that some people even have the nerve to commit to other people behind their partners' backs.

Until this point, we do not know the whole truth about this guy. Thus, I postpone judgment. I told my friend that maybe this guy was telling her the truth when he denied being involved with someone. And it would only be my friend, not I, who could tell if the guy is truly sincere and honest about his feelings towards her.

I told my friend to make the most out of the relationship or non-relationship and not to expect too much, lest another broken heart. In such situations, the best thing to do really is to be friends with whomever it is you are dating, whether the good or the not-so-good guy. Besides, she is technically single and unattached. If she really likes the guy, then she should work on relationship development and communication skills improvement without falling hopelessly in love, if possible, or be blinded by it. The worst that could happen is that they end up as friends instead of a couple. And that's not even bad at all if you ask me.

I do not mean to leave the impression that there aren't any decent single men left in this world. Many people tell me there a few good men left and single women just don't know where to look or how to find them. We definitely do not know where to look because all those who are far from good kept hogging the spotlight and getting our attention, sometimes just to satisfy their own personal egotistical goals in life.

I do believe there are good and decent single men and women out there searching for and waiting to be found by the right person. But there is still no guarantee that the search will be successful.

So long as single people stay single, they always fall prey to the beasts of unsuccessful relationships and heartbreaks. Until they get married, they will over-discuss, over-analyze, and over-assess their dates and their relationships as they continue the search for the right person, knowingly or not, admittedly or not. And they will always be glad other single friends are around to make the search bearable.

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