Why am I not married yet? Lucky, I guess
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. B24, 14 June 2001

Recently, a colleague of mine, after some small chit-chat about life, discovered that I am still single and unattached. Her eyes widened and she exclaimed, "You do not have a boyfriend? I find that hard to believe!"

For a paranoid moment, I thought some kind of promiscuous reputation had preceded me. But after quickly examining my conscience and recent experience, it didn’t take me long to figure out that promiscuity was way beyond my league. Her baffling remark got the best of my curiosity so I asked her what made her violently react toward my civil status.

"It's just that you are so bubbly and all!" she said. Not only was her comment baffling, it was also very intriguing. It made me wonder if in the world of make believe, "bubbly and all" is equal to "not being single." I wish. If that were the case, then let's just all get bubbly and marry all we want. But being single cannot be explained in an equation, even if we throw in a dozen other mathematical, scientific, or even logical theories.

Despite the mystery of singlehood, many of us tend to theorize and ask why one is single in an honest attempt to satisfy curiosity or to help that person overcome the curse of singlehood, if, indeed, it is considered a curse rather than a blessing. And in the process of trying to figure out why someone is single, it is imperative to ask the single person why he or she thinks he or she is single. Asking why one is single could turn out to be a very hostile move even if the reason for asking is purely for small talk and there was no harm intended in the first place.

A married friend of mine has stopped asking people if they were already married because of the irate reactions he receives from singletons as well as the embarrassment he unintentionally besets upon them. He also stopped asking married people if they already have kids, a more sensitive issue.

Asking singletons why they are single is like asking corpulent people why they are 100 lbs. overweight. While there are theories on why people are single or overweight, there is no simple or correct response. For singles, the reasons could range from the absence of a suitable partner or a mere case of commitment phobia. For those who are overweight, the reason could be a chemical imbalance or a psychological manifestation of something more complex. Heck, I don't know! All I know is neither one wants to talk about it. It's like asking someone to explain something that cannot be explained in two sentences. It's a beginning of an endless debate.

More people practice self-restraint in asking people about their weight problem, but not so much about their singlehood. I am dead sure many single people share my experience of being asked questions that are "single-exclusive." These are questions formulated for exclusively for single people, not really to humiliate them, but sometimes just as a starting point for a potentially interesting conversation.

Being single for two years now, I am very much accustomed to responding to any question asked of me about my singlehood. Over time, I have learned not to let it affect me. In the interest of good humor, many single people have gathered responses that could throw off the intruding individual who asks singles about their lack of a lifetime partner. Below is a compilation of "Comebacks to 'Why aren't you married yet?'" I received via e-mail.

1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. Because I just love hearing this question.
4. Just lucky, I guess.
5. It gives my mother something to live for.
6. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
7. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss Universe.
8. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
9. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
10. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
18. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
19. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
20. Why aren't you thin?
21. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
22. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
23. I read this article in the paper that married men mingle more with single ladies than with married ones.
24. I haven't found the perfect mother-in-law yet.
25. I haven't found the man yet who can lick better than my dog.
26. Are you this bored with your married life that you have the time to look into mine?
27. Because your husband/wife chose your best friend over me.
28. Because you're still alive.
29. And miss out on being the center of attention during family reunions like this?
30. Why don't you ask that sexy lady over there talking to your husband?

Younger singletons are not spared. Instead of being asked why they are not married yet, they are asked by they still do not have a boyfriend. Someone sent me a list of different approaches in responding to the question "How come you still do not have a boyfriend?"

1. The Arrogant Approach. "Boyfriend? I don't date boys. I date men."
2. The "I love my independence" Approach. "All the men I date kept asking me to marry them and I am just not ready to commit."
3. The Confident Approach. "I'm already engaged to someone. Only he doesn't know it yet."
4. The "I've watched too many gangster movies" Approach. "Why don't I have a boyfriend? Why don't you have a life? Haven't you got anything better to do with your time than ask me stupid questions? Now get out of my face before I lose my temper?"
5. The Clueless Approach. "A boyfriend? Is that like a girl scout?"
6. The "danger-lover" Approach. "I only like dating cold-blooded criminals and the best ones are behind bars."
7. The Flirtatious Approach. "I don't have a boyfriend because I am saving myself for you."
8. The Wounded Approach. (With teary eyes) "I did love someone once…" and start talking about a tragic love story you saw on the Hallmark channel. (This will hopefully embarrass the questioner who will then leave you alone.)
9. The Mysterious Approach. "I am romantically involved with a very important person and our relationship is top secret. If I tell you about it, something terrible might happen to me, or worse, you."
10. The Lunatic Approach. Laugh hysterically, then suddenly stop, then stare directly at the questioner without saying anything, then start laughing again like you have never laughed before.

Although I am inclined to take the lunatic approach most of the time, the lists I presented are purely for amusement, something to make single people smile whenever they are asked those stinging questions. I know that it is not that easy or necessary for singles to respond in a smart-alecky kind of way. Those who question our civil status do not deserve bitchy responses, sometimes. Most of them do not mean to offend. They just want to talk about something interesting. And what is interesting? Take a wild guess.

Some single people do not really mind being asked those questions. Some single people even want to talk about single life for personal therapy or for lack of other lives to talk about (which could sometimes make us look more pathetic and self-involved). But if talking about singlehood can share important life lessons with the rest of the world, I could probably talk about it for as long as I can. It's definitely better than not talking at all.

While there may be a gazillion reasons why people are single and unattached, I still believe that people are single because of the simple reason that they still have not found that someone whom they could spend most of their time or the rest of their life. Of course, that someone should also feel the same way about them. While some might say that being single is a personal choice, that choice can always change the minute they lay their eyes on the "right one." Now whether or not that time will come is another monstrous debate.

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].