In defense of marriage
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. B24, 24 May 2001

Being single is somewhat of a curse. I believe singles are a marginalized sector that should be understood and taken seriously. Like being a woman in a male-dominated world, we singles are in the midst of a couple's world.

Among the e-mails I receive, those I receive from married people particularly intrigue me. Because I have yet to become a married woman, I admit that my views about married life are limited to those that I hear from friends and people I talk to. I do not pretend to know or understand the joys of married life but I am definitely trying to figure out the joys of being single.

Anyway, for the sake of fair play and exchange of ideas, let me share with you a recent e-mail. I must apologize though to Mrs. Bernabe for deleting some parts of the e-mail due to space constraints. (Thank you for the e-mail. I really do appreciate your sending me your views.) Here it goes:

"Hi! I’m from a broadcasting company and I have a daily delivery of your newspaper. And yes, you can guess that I’m a sucker for the Lifestyle section and that, of course, includes your column. I would often read the back page, finishing the whole thing before going to the main headlines on the front. I would say that your columns were great but not always, entertaining at times but mostly argumentative. I guess you should take that as a compliment because it just means that you are writing something sensible for your readers to react and argue with a piece of paper first thing in the morning - the Single thing.

It has advantages and disadvantages. So don’t go writing as if it’s the most blessed thing in the world, because it’s definitely not. Of course it sounds much better than being committed to somebody (scary huh?!). It seems more cool, more relaxing to the mind and spirit because you’re free. And that’s the catch-word here I think. Free...free to do anything and everything with your own time, it’s all about I, me and myself.

Does it sound fulfilling to you? Actually, what I’m trying to point here is not everyone is happy being single as what you are always trying to imply on your column. It’s not as if I’m saying that women in my opinion are needy, or weak, or cannot live life without someone. It’s just that I would bet my whole life that—if given a choice, these women would want to live life with someone they can share their lives with for a day, a week, a month, a year, or even a lifetime. It is a beautiful thing to live a life with someone you can share it with.

Haven’t you observed that people who are involved with someone in any way or level have a greater perspective in life, has a more lively attitude, more positive and has a zest for life compared when they were just living their lives on their own? It’s because it feels very good to have someone tell you that you’re special or to feel that you are special to someone, to look forward to the end of the day because somebody would be waiting for you. Without those things life would be a lesser journey, but these things do make life more beautiful to live.

I have nothing against singles, I just don’t appreciate the way you write things about single life and being committed. Of course, I respect your views if that’s how you see life. But then again, you have to respect mine. I do not wholeheartedly agree with your theories.

Being single offers a lot of additional perks in living a good life with "style." But that doesn’t mean that getting attached would make you a lesser person or would deprive you of good things in life. Instead, it would even make you more appreciative of things, of life, of every little blessing that would come your way because you are travelling the journey of life with a purpose and with a smile in your heart.

Your column could almost make a single person run miles and miles away from commitment because of the fear and negative vibes that you imply with your writing. Honestly, if one has no sense of direction, he or she would hide in his or her shell forever, afraid to share themselves and be a part of something for the fear of what one might get in the end because of the experiences and stories you write. Given those are all true and well-accounted instances, my God, it is so discouraging for the single species. Give them the real light, girl!

Further, for the married couples which you often compare with your "lucky single thing", I totally disagree with you. You know why? I’m 26 years old and I have an eight-year-old daughter now. I’m married. We definitely live together. And yeah, we married very young. I got preggy very young. We are not filthy rich. We get by but definitely we’re not poor because we get almost anything an average family or individual wants to have, plus the additional luxuries and pampering that a single person could have (specially the female, for that matter).

So you see, it’s not such a scary thing to have a family and be attached and be committed and at a very young age such as in my case. Don’t get me wrong, I do not encourage young ones to take the plunge. I’m merely stating that it is not a thing that must be taken negatively because it also has its own blessings and fulfillment.

And please, I hate it so much whenever you imply that when one has obligations or responsibilities, life almost sounds a rotten thing already. You’re definitely wrong. If you got all these crazy notions from your married friends, I pity them. It’s just a matter of priorities, time management, and facing life with a positive outlook.

I make time for my kid, for me, and for my hubby as well as time for the whole family, and time for my friends. We even still go bar hopping. There would be even times when my female ego would be really flattered because I make it a point that I look good inside and out, physically and emotionally, so it shows. The point is you can still have and do things you used to do and have when you were still single even when you’re married. But of course the word "limitation" would now apply.

Being married doesn’t stop one from doing things you used to do (the good ones, of course) but would just limit it because of more important considerations. It is never considered deprivation as what you always imply on your column. Take for instance, the material things or the money matters to be specific. I read in one of your articles that because one is already a mother and has obligations to her kids, she could never spend her money buying things for herself; that she has to sacrifice her wants because she would buy clothes or stuff for her kids instead.

You know what? That act’s so fulfilling for a mother. Maybe not all mom’s share my view but I believe that majority of us would agree that it is more satisfying to see the reaction of a child whenever he or she receives something from mom and plants you wet kisses all over your face to show his or her innocent appreciation of what you did. One may never be able to buy the killer shoes you’ve been dying to have, but it’s all worth it once you get a hug and a simple thank you from a child.

And you know what’s funny, one doesn’t have to weigh which is more important? Being a mom and buying stuffs for your kid just comes out naturally. So it’s not deprivation at all. It’s actually wanting to share good things and nice stuff to somebody else.

May I recommend that a column focusing on "Family life and its blessings" be created? It would surely capture a lot of readers. I hope you will not take this letter negatively because I’m simply stating a fact here, which you may not share as of the moment. Thanks and more power to Manila Standard.

Claudette Higwit-Bernabe"

My response

Dear Mrs. Bernabe:

Thank you for your e-mail and I respect your views as much as you respect mine. I am, however, compelled to address some of them. I never said being single is the most blessed thing in the world. In fact, some of my articles, I called singlehood a curse in society. Being single is somewhat of a curse. I believe singles are a marginalized sector that should be understood and taken seriously. Like being a woman in a male-dominated world, we singles are in the midst of a couple's world. I have also admitted several times that I am single by default and being single is definitely not my first choice.

I do believe that people should not be forced to marry under any circumstance. Unfortunately for us singles by default, the choice to get married is not ours if we do not find the "right" person, which is a possibility.

The ratio of men and women is far from one is to one so not everyone can be part of a couple. Unless women who want to become nuns and lesbians outnumber men who want to become priests and homosexuals, single women cannot force themselves to believe that every single woman will end up getting married.

But being single is genderless, too. Men can also be plagued by the stigma just as much as women. It is human nature to want to be loved.

Good for you that you are married and happy. But not all marriages are happy, especially if the couple do not love each other. It's great that you have found the right person for you. And I do hope all couples could live happy together. But even if I am not married, I know that staying happily together requires more than just priorities, time management, and facing life with a positive outlook.

I totally disagree with you that people who are married or involved "have a greater perspective in life, has a more lively attitude, more positive and has a zest for life compared when they were just living their lives on their own." Frankly, I believe perspective, attitude, and zest have little to do with marital status. You can have all those, whether you are married or single, depending on how you think.

I agree with you that it's good to feel special to someone. But not having someone should not drown anyone into misery. It is true that not all single people are happy. But they could be happy if they want to. I never said I am ecstatic about being single. In fact, I even share some of my heartaches, anxieties, angst, and even anger about my single life in this column.

Sure, there are joys in married life. I never said otherwise. But there is just no point for us singles to obsess over these joys if there is a possibility that we cannot have it.

I never said being married is, in any way, "less" than being single. In fact, I have been consistent in saying that being single and being married are just plain different. I also hated it when you say that being married gives "a much higher 'high' than the exciting rush of being single" or that marriage "makes life more beautiful to live." While it may be true to you, it may not be true to others. I still believe it is better to be single than to be married to someone you don't love. But then again, that's just me.

And because we grew up in a society that espouses marriage, I have been very blunt into admitting that I want to get married someday but only to a person I love (who also loves me) and I am even open to having kids. Who wouldn't want to find "true love"? But the journey to finding true love does not have to be full of despair and misery. In case the journey to finding true love does not end or goes on forever, I would not want to have wasted my life sulking and wishing for something that was not meant for me.

I do not mean to scare singles away from marriage. I think that unhappily married people have already scared us enough.

Thanks again and God bless.

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].