Long-distance love affairs
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. B22, 3 May 2001

The one who leaves will be too busy reorganizing life and adjusting to the new environment. It is always hard for the one who is left behind.

Recently, a friend of mine, who had been trying so hard to make a long distance relationship work, told me he was single again. He admitted he didn’t see it coming for he was probably too focused on preparing for a future of togetherness with his girlfriend of four and a half years. For the longest time, he begged me not to write about him. But after the painful break-up (is there any other kind?), he suddenly got the urge to give me a green light to lay down the story of his life.

His girlfriend was finishing a four-year course in Bacolod City while he maintains a job in an advertising firm in Manila. She studied well, became a consistent dean's lister, varsity team captain of her soccer team and was very popular among friends. She was the girlfriend any guy would be proud of (at least according to my friend's standard).

The very night she graduated, she did what my friend considered unthinkable. She broke up with him.

"I really wouldn't know how to begin describing the feeling but I think I would much rather be hit by a sixteen wheeler going a hundred kph than to experience that moment again," my friend said.

Not so long ago, I had been in a similar situation myself. But instead of being the dumpee, I was the dumper. All I could do was try to explain what was going on in my mind when I broke up with my boyfriend (who was then in Manila while I was in the US) so that my friend could appreciate the reasons for the break up. Like him, I used to think that distance should not really matter so long as two people love each other. But then again, maybe it does.

It is not always easy being the dumper, even if the reasons are somewhat valid. No matter how good your reasons are, someone is always bound to get hurt except in cases when all love is absolutely lost. Although dumping could be fairly easy for those who make a career out of hurting people, breaking up with someone you really care about is always hard to do.

But what constitutes a valid reason for a breakup? Is distance a good enough reason? When I gave a shot at trying to make a long-distance relationship work, I got a lot of encouragement. Friends encouraged me to make it work for if we pull it off, then I could be sure that there wouldn't be any storm we could not weather. Some friends, however, said the distance could serve as the true test of our determination and love for each other. Despite the encouragement, it scared the hell out of me.

Apparently, there were too many storms that I just ran out of patience to weather each and every freaking one of them. I could no longer stand having the same fights over and over again. The most common fights were about not being available for supposedly "well-scheduled" phone calls. The reason for the failure to call or unavailability for a call didn’t matter anymore. The fact that I missed the call seemed to have blurred the rational portion of my long-distance boyfriend's brain. He just would not hear any excuses, no matter how valid they were. There was a time when I felt we were spending too much on phone bills just so we could have our regular showdown via the telephone (and sometimes even via chatrooms).

Someone told me it has always been harder for the one who got left behind. The one who left would be too busy reorganizing life and adjusting to the new environment. On the other hand, the one who stayed would be left with not much to do except to look forward to the day of reunion. But then again, it could also be the other way around. Whichever the case, one will be too busy while the other, too needy.

Another reason why long distance relationships prove very difficult is when the experiences are no longer shared between the couple. When I was in the US, my cousin told me that while my boyfriend and I were both too busy building our lives, for ourselves separately or together, we lost shared experiences. In the process, we grew apart no matter how hard we tried to communicate every single day. One can easily outgrow the other.

But doesn't love conquer all?

"You see, I really love this girl but I guess for whatever her reasons, our love goes both ways. She claims we grew apart, that I'm too serious with my views about life. She said she just wants to have fun or she may have some other reason she just can't share. Bottom line is I'm left here all alone wondering," my friend added.

I forgot to mention one important detail about my friend's long distance relationship - she's 23 and he's 29. Many say age doesn't matter so long as two people love each other. But then again, does it?

More than the age gap, I think the issue is that those who are certified members of the female species now have options to do so much with their lives. In the past, women are expected to marry at a very early age. Today, many women (and even men, too) enjoy freedom from serious relationships and marry at a later age. While I do not see anything wrong with serious relationships, some people would want to try out being single again, especially after committing to someone at the age of 18. Marriage can definitely wait. Besides, it's always better to be single than sorry.

Also, being apart for most part of a relationship also provides a venue for both parties to venture into another dimension, one that does not include the other. The distance factor, I feel, is aggravated if the age gap is wide. Different age groups, especially in different environments, want different things, as we are taught in marketing.

Long distance relationships, however, are not always doomed. But I have never heard anyone say it was easy to maintain. Some last even if they also sometimes lead to harsher break-ups after the reunion because of the differences acquired during the time apart. But some, especially those that are "meant to be," survive with a great deal of maturity, understanding, compromise, rationality, practicality, communication, compassion, concern, and all the other "relationship" words you could possibly think of.

But once you fail, sometimes, even miserably, does that mean you stop loving? I used to believe that once I love, I love forever. In a way, I still believe that, except in cases when the break-up or events after the break-up result in attempted murder.

"Some people told me you can't choose the ones you love. But after a break up, friends would tell you to forget, to move on, to stop loving. Great advice ... but how does that work exactly again? You can't choose the ones you love but could you choose to stop loving that person? Sorry, I don't think I can do that," my friend said.

First of all, you can choose the one you love. There is always a choice even if sometimes, you feel like you are just simply "drawn" to someone. We always make choices but we are not always aware when we are actually making them. We can always choose to stay or go, pursue or evade, remember or forget, hold on or let go.

I believe it is not possible to stop loving someone, unless, of course, the love has turned to hate and scorn. But you can always change the way you love someone.

Despite his agony, my friend told me, "It's best to just go on with life. If there are opportunities to meet other people or improve your way of life, just welcome these blessings and take them as a way of growing up. No one can really say what tomorrow will bring. But if for some reason she finds her way back into my life and if my heart is still carrying that torch, then I know I'm entering that relationship again as a richer and wiser individual."

He continued, "If living a single life, which is full of wondrous possibilities, would make me an even better person than I was when we had a relationship, then I welcome singlehood with open arms. So I guess with that thought in mind, I could see the possibility of moving on even if I know it will take time. But as of now, I could simply enjoy the moment, have a cup of coffee by myself and smile, knowing that even if she's gone, I'm still in love with her."

Way to go, Oliver. Welcome to my schizophrenic world.

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].