Damned if you do (have a boyfriend), damned if you don't
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. B24, 26 April 2001

Recently, I had to relay the story about my last attempt to making a relationship work to friend of mine who recently came to town. Because she was residing in another country, she missed the details of my past and basically just got snippets of news here and there, plus a couple of three paragraph e-mails from me about my last relationship and how it ended.

I could no longer count how many times I had to repeat the story to friends I hardly see, especially since I never had the opportunity to talk to all of them at the same place and at the same time. Unless I decide to issue a press release, I will just have to tell the story over and over again.

It's funny how the same questions pop up from friends whom I haven’t seen or conversed with for a very long time. Regardless of the first question, the conversations always lead to the last legitimate relationship no matter how hard you try to dodge it.

Do you have a boyfriend now?

That's question number one.

After establishing the obvious fact that you are still unmarried, friends would normally ask, if they still haven't the faintest idea, if you have a boyfriend. This is the easiest question to answer, come to think of it. A simple yes or no would be appropriate.

If they get a "yes" answer, they would continue asking about how met your boyfriend and how long you had been dating. Depending on how close you are to them, they can also be interested in your boyfriend's resume - where he works, how much money he makes, which highschool or university he attended, and what he can offer you.

Are you seeing anyone?

That's question number two, if your answer to question number one is no.

If you tell your friends that there is no boyfriend in the picture, they would immediately ask if you are seeing anyone. If you give a "yes" answer, they would go through the background investigation bit, just like if you admit to having a boyfriend.

If you are not seeing anyone, you tend to feel awkward having to admit to friends, no matter how close you are to them, that after two years of being absolutely single, you still do not have a steady date. Aside from you self-inflicted humiliation, you definitely wouldn't want them to lose sleep trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you.

Some single people I know would just succumb to the pressure and pretend the existence of a special someone to put an end to the interrogation. But then it becomes harder when they get started on the details of your imaginary relationship. Sooner or later, it's still better to hold your head up high and tell them that you are not seeing anybody. And what could possibly be so wrong with that?

Why aren't you seeing anyone?

That's question number three, if the answer to question number two is no.

This is where the real squirming begins. How do you answer such a question? The easiest response would be to declare that you are not interested in seeing anyone or dating even. But we all know that that could not possibly be all true. We singles must admit the truth, even if the words usually get stuck in our throats, that we would prefer to be with someone if given the choice. But then again, some of us do not have the choice. Not having choices, however, is not an excuse to not want to be with someone. Some prefer to be single forever but that is a refusal to getting married and not refusal to be with someone. I doubt very much if anyone truly prefers or consciously chooses not to love or be loved.

It is even harder to admit that no one has asked you out even if that is the simple, painful truth. In your mind, you begin to ask yourself the same question. Why the hell am I not seeing anyone? Then you begin to lose sleep trying to figure that one out. What is so wrong with me? Is it because all the good ones are already taken? What about the not-so-good ones? What about the bad ones? Where the hell are they?!

Why isn’t he your boyfriend yet?

That's question number four, if answer to question number three is yes.

If you are currently seeing someone, you are still not spared from another follow-up. Friends will wonder why, after seeing someone for quite some time (years even!), you are still not in some kind of commitment. And then you start to explain the game you had been playing with the guy you've been seeing for the longest time, citing all the reasons why no agreement has been reached. After justifying how the relationship (or non-relationship) works better if you just remain as friends, you can't help but begin to wonder yourself why hasn't he asked you to be his girlfriend. And even if you have already psychoanalyzed him so much that you can already interpret his dreams, you still can't figure him out. Then, you get this weird look from your friend implying that maybe you are playing your cards wrong.

But unless we can read other people's minds, there is just no way we can figure out how another person thinks. There are theories available, though, and although the theories may not hold for every situation, they can offer a certain way of analysis. After analyzing and partly accepting some of the conclusions founded on such theories, understanding could be increased and pain decreased. Although it may be hard to admit, one of the theories why the guy you are seeing is not yet your boyfriend is because "he does not love you enough," as Leah Castaneda (Chill Pare) puts it.

If he doesn’t love you enough, tough. Life goes on.

So what happened to your last boyfriend again?

That's question number five.

After some ten hours of talking about why you still do not have a boyfriend, friends may also theorize that the root cause of your overdue singlehood may be your traumatic experience with the last relationship. They figure that the last relationship may have caused enough pain for you to not want to have a relationship again for the rest of your life. They advise you to get over it for only then can you really start another relationship, as if your life depended on it.

I told my friend the whole story about how and why, after four years of being together with someone whom I thought was the "right one" (including one year of engagement), I had to bid that miserable relationship goodbye for very legitimate reasons, none of which I intend to discuss in this column. Well, at least not right now.

After recovering from shock and cussing at my jerk of an ex-boyfriend, my friend told me to get over him and move on. That's what friends tell you to do in the hope that you will indeed find the sanity to continue on with life. Because my friend had not been around, I exerted some effort in trying to convince her that I had, in fact, already found my sane self again and moved on.

Repeating the story of my life to friends over and over again until it no longer hurts is actually part of my therapy and recovery from a broken heart, a confused mind, a bruised ego, and an empty wallet. Good friends will always be around to listen and put in their penny's worth of advice and concern. Soon enough, you'll be surprised at how your collection of pennies from friends had already made you a very, very wealthy person.

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