Mae West once said,
"I am single because I was born that way"
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. 24B, 8 March 2001

We must always remember that being single is, in fact, normal. Being single means living the life that we were used to since we were born and before we decided to enter or were pressured into a relationship.

A single friend of mine who was contemplating a break up with his girlfriend of two years once asked me how single life had been treating me. I told him what I would tell anybody who asked me the same question - that single life is not that bad and that I am happily single.

Surprised, he told me that it was just what lonely people would say. If what he said were true, I would have thrown a tantrum and cited all the reasons why I was happy, just to justify my seemingly bold and defensive statement. But I just smiled, thinking that he could not possibly know what I meant when I start explaining to him all about single life because he had never really spent a day since of being without a girlfriend since he was 16.

Apparently, the thought of not having someone special by his side terrified the living daylights out of him. How could he possibly cope with life without a partner? Of course he could. He had just forgotten how. At any rate, he could not fathom how he could live his life again as an "unattached" single because whether we like it or not, we all grew up in a society where everyone is expected to evolve into a married person.

No doubt many of us consider having a partner as the natural course in life, a step to take after living single for most of our lives. As early as in our teens, we are peer-pressured into having a relationship with the opposite sex, which is considered normal in our society. So does not make not having a relationship an abnormality?

If I may quote May West’s famous line – "I am single because I was born that way." She cannot be more right. We were all born single and if we are destined to find a partner, we later evolve into one-half of a couple. Now whether that partner is the right one or not is entirely a different issue.

Because we are all born single, it is safe to assume that we are single for the first 15 years of our lives. Well, for early bloomers probably the first 10 years of their lives. We were practically kids back then. Thus, the later in life we start a relationship, the more time we spend being single. But the early bloomers probably cannot remember how being single was like.

Late bloomers, however, are left to fend for themselves. Survivors. The fittest. The independent single. Compared to the early bloomers, the late bloomers have a better chance of surviving a life of singlehood.

But we must always remember that being single is, in fact, normal. Being single means living the life that we were used to since we were born and before we decided to enter or were pressured into a relationship with the opposite sex. There should not be any reason why we cannot survive being single all our lives, unless the pressure to marry or to be with someone is so great it could drive any sane person into insanity or turn a happy person into an unhappy one.

Being attached, however, is just as normal. Being part of a couple means having to share life with someone. It means adjusting to somebody else’s needs and wants. There is absolutely wrong with that, just as there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single.

When I was in a depression after a major break up, a single parent friend of mine told me life as a single person is not all that bad. After going through a depression of her own, she advised me to stop myself from getting used to the "sad" state because I might forget how to be happy and when the time to be happy comes, I would not be able to know how to deal with it. I might even end up rejecting it. In fact, after a break-up, one of the more immediate concerns is how to fall in love again, except of course for those who were already seeing somebody else.

But who ever equated being single with being sad or lonely? Many people doubt my, or any other single person’s, ability to find happiness and joy in singlehood. I could not really blame any of them especially if they honestly and truly believe that only couples find true happiness. Besides, we were historically taught that marriage is a necessary step to take in one’s life unless you decide to become a nun or a priest.

What’s worse is that society sometimes construe being single as lack of maturity. A friend of mine started criticizing a single colleague of his for lack of maturity level necessary for sustaining a long lasting relationship. Although it may be true (I hardly know the guy), I found it unfair to equate singlehood with maturity or immaturity. But I just kept my mouth shut because I knew he could not understand that I find some single people more mature than he, who got married at the age of 18. I would not mind being called immature so long as I do not drag someone into my immaturity. The truth is maturity does not have anything to do with civil status. Maturity has a lot to with upbringing, experience, compassion, knowledge, and wisdom, as well as better understanding of human nature and the way life works.

As I have said before, you can be lonely in a midst of a crowd or happy by your lonesome. Many people still find it hard to believe that it is possible to be happily single. I will not attempt to explain how this is possible, not because it makes me look defensive but because I do not know how to explain it. I just believe that being single or being married has little to do with happiness. One can be married but miserable or single but happy.

I guess the best way to explain how you could tell that a single person is happy about being single, is when she or he begins to forget about his or her singlehood. Because I write about "single" life, I am actually in a bind to write about it, making it harder for me to forget that I am still single. But you know what? Last week, I had to beg off and take a leave from this column because I had to pursue my responsibilities for the community as well as for the people around me and perform tasks that are actually good for the soul. While in that process, I honestly forgot I was single.

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].