What's a BTN affair?
Better than nothing
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. B26, 18 January 2001

'…being with someone for the wrong reasons or being alone for the right ones? I'd rather be right' — Amanda Jones (Some Kind of Wonderful)

I remember a conversation I had some years back with someone who was driving for me on Route 46 going to New York. This person confessed to me that while he was having affairs left and right, his poor wife remained clueless about his escapades. He claimed the marriage was okay but he was not as happy as he would want to be. The extra-marital affairs, he said, did not make him any bit happier. When I put on my psychoanalyst cap on, I told him he could never be happy unless he finds happiness within.

Since I had never been married, I could not, for the life of me, figure out why he could not have the strength or courage to make his marriage work or why he ever got married in the first place. I guess the problem was deeper than what he was telling me. What it was, I will never know.

Yeah, yeah. Some of the members of the male species (and sometimes even of the female species) say that it is "normal" for males to have extra-marital affairs. I am sorry but I just don't buy that.

Honestly, I felt that man can have all the philanderous affairs in the world but he will still be unhappy mainly. It's mainly because it didn’t matter anymore who he was with. He just had to be with someone, anyone.

True, I had no idea what led this man to get married in the first place but from what he told me, he only got married because she was there for him. Was he in love when he got married? Maybe. But then again, how long he could stay in love seemed to be the problem. He claimed he still loved his wife but I did not believe him. After the ride, I advised him to see a shrink so he can have some of his loose screws tightened.

It was a perfect example of what could happen because of BTN or "better-than-nothing" relationships, if I may borrow from singles seminar conductor and author Susan Page. Some of us, at one time or another, may had been guilty of being with someone just for the heck of being with someone because the fear of being single forever sometimes can make us do crazy things. Sometimes, we don't even know it.

When I asked a single friend of mine why she was seeing someone who was blatantly and obviously not good for her, she told me that she could not bear the thought of not having anyone to call in case she got a flat tire. I guess that is better than nothing, huh?

It is very easy for singles to fall into this trap of entering a relationship only because it is, in fact, better than having no one at all. But is it? Some of the people do not see anything wrong with having a BTN. Someone even told me that his girlfriend is okay with the fact that if he finds someone better, they could both call it quits. Yeah right.

But Page tells her readers that BTNs are not all that bad. In fact, BTNs are probably acceptable in times of transition where a life-long commitment is not the intention. If what you are looking for is a partner for life, BTNs can be dangerous because they, according to Page, present a "major roadblock to finding true love." What's worse is finding the right person when you are still in a BTN. Then what? The fact that someone might eventually get hurt in the process could be just as bad as not finding the right person.

I know someone who stuck it out with his girlfriend for five years only to tell her later that he found someone else. He did not tell her that he knew from the very beginning that things could not have worked out between them because that could have potentially triggered a third world war. The truth is she was "conveniently" around when he ended his previous relationship. The girl thought it was true love and the boy thought it was "convenient." I guess it would be easier if both parties are clear on the possibility that they may not end up together. But there are no guarantees. One may unintentionally fall deeply in love with the other and not having that love reciprocated can be very painful.

BTN to me is synonymous with BTBS or "better-than-being-single." I believe single people go into BTNs because they are just so sick and tired of being single. Quite acceptable, really, considering the challenges single people face everyday. The way to avoid BTNs is to not mind being single. Personally, I just don't see the point of subjecting myself to a so-so relationship so that I could say good-bye to single life. Why the heck would I want to give up my freedom and independence? So I can yearn for the same freedom and independence as soon as I am in a relationship? Thanks, but no thanks. I would rather be single.

Sometimes, we do not even have the slightest idea if we are staying with someone for the wrong reasons because these reasons are more often than not subliminal. We seem to "fall in love" without really knowing really if the person we fall in love with is the "right one" or not. If we are lucky, we get to figure out how wrong the person before it is too late.

Are BTNs better than not having any relationship at all? I think it’s just a matter of deciding if you should spend more time getting to know yourself or getting to know someone whom you know would not end up as your life partner.

But as Page said, BTNs are not always bad. Sometimes, they bring temporary joy to single people who cannot stand being alone. I could understand that many single people do not want to be alone all of the time, whether or not they have made up their minds about being single. Like everybody else, single people need a break, a temporary refuge from the world of being single just as wives or husbands occasionally need some time alone, away from the hustle and bustle of married life. Besides, BTNs can always turn into something more meaningful, enriching, and fulfilling. In this world, we never know.

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].