Forgive me for I am single
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. B28, 11 January 2001

The bottomline is single life can be as fulfilling as married life, no matter what society says. The fulfillment comes from within the person and not from society. As a single person, you may always be perceived as alone and lonely but you are the only one who can feel the loneliness.

Eversince I came out on nationwide television telling the whole nation why I was single, I got a bit of teasing from people I hardly know. One person told me that he already knew my life story. Another person from work came up to tell me she never knew that was "how" it happened. I asked her what she knew before she saw me on television and she blindly said that when she asked someone who I was, she was told that I was the one whose marriage did not push through. In a span of two years, I had become known in my own circle as "the-one-who-almost-got-married."

For those of you who missed my television appearances, I was put on the spot twice (thanks to the researchers) when the hosts blurted out, "So you were supposed to get married. What happened?" It almost sounded like I blew the most important decision in my life and that I was headed toward a doomed life of singlehood. I had no idea they were going to ask me that question but I guess I should have known better. But it's okay. I have become accustomed to answering that question that I would find it easier to explain what happened than explain what I do for a living. But then again, it has not always been that easy.

I remember just after the break up when nobody, except my family and close friends, knew that the wedding was off, a friend from work, who incidentally was also scheduled to get married, cluelessly asked me while we were inside a jampacked elevator how the wedding plans were going. Before I could even utter a word, everyone's head turned toward my direction and, with all smiles, expressed their congratulations and best wishes. One of the elevator passengers even asked me what my new last name was going to be. I felt like I was six inches tall and still didn’t have the guts to tell them the wedding was off. I even told the crowd my "would-be" last name. Although I responded in a very calm voice, deep inside me, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and tell them there would not be a freaking wedding! My stomach turned and I wanted to pry the escape hatch open so I can use the elevator cables to strangle myself.

Initially, I tried to keep quiet about the whole fiasco and not spill the beans about the terrible experience, which I believe would make a good storyline for a whole season of a soap opera. I still believe, however, that silence leads to more speculation. But I would burst into tears each and everytime I try to explain to my friends why the wedding had to be called off. Besides, my fiancé never had the courage nor the decency to help me explain or undo what we had already done in terms of preparation. He just decided to conveniently leave the country. Way to go, creep!

Some people I hardly know have criticized me about telling too much about my personal life. Some people even urged me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I do not expect these people to understand why I was too open about that particular chapter in my life. But one thing is for sure – I do not feel sorry for myself. At least, not anymore.

When I look back on how I behaved (or misbehaved, depending on whose side you are on), I am very proud of myself for overcoming the depression. You see, I almost died when I had to cancel my wedding. I was confused and in shock. This was the time when I realized that I was the perfect example of a demented, schizophrenic freak. After a good two months, I was not as confused but still angry, not because I was mourning the loss but because I realized I have wasted most some four good years of my life with someone who was not the "right one."

The fear of being single again, however, took some time to sink in. I only noticed my singlehood after standing up again on my own two feet because this time, I noticed was doing it all by myself.

But where does this fear of singlehood come from anyway? Two words – peer pressure. Even as teen-agers, much pressure has been built around finding a date or a boyfriend. As young adults, there is also pressure on finding the right life partner. When you grow older, will the pressure be greater or less? On one hand, pressure is greater because your peers are more likely to have already found their own partners, especially in their 30s. On the other hand, the pressure could also be less because older individuals can be perceived as more secure with themselves to the extent that they are no longer seeking security in the guise another person.

A new book I'm reading at the moment says that the pressure to get married is greater if the desire to get married was laced with economic considerations. This is where the gender issue comes in. In the past, women feel the pressure to get married more because until recently, women are expected to rely on their husbands to survive in this male-dominated world. This is particularly true to those women who have no means to sustain themselves. For those who do not have to think about their sustenance for the rest of their lives (i.e. the rich), both genders are pressured to marry to carry on the family tradition of producing heirs to their fortune and their name.

The assumption of the book is that since society has been recognizing, and, sometimes even rewarding, the women, who were in the past seen only as dependents, it should be more lenient on and forgiving to those who prefer to stay single. But is it?

It was a bit disturbing for me at first to be known only as the one who almost got married. I sure do have more qualities than just that. But then again, I have learned to turn something potentially negative into a definitely positive quality. When I found myself suddenly single again, I used my time without someone to reorganize my life – planned trips I never took, took lessons I have always wanted to take, rekindled old friendships, etc. And after realizing that a lot of people can learn from the experiences of a single person, I also suddenly became good copy material not only for the pages of this newspaper but also on television. A lot of lessons can be learned from other people’s experiences and I believe I do have a duty to tell single people that there is life, a good one, even if you are not married.

But again, this is not to say that being single is better than having a spouse. The bottomline is single life can be as fulfilling as married life, no matter what society says. The fulfillment comes from within the person and not from society. As a single person, you may always be perceived as alone and lonely but you are the only one who can feel the loneliness. The important thing is that we spend the time that we are single to sort out differences within ourselves and to resolve issues such as embarrassment, bitterness, fear, vengeance, self-pity, or even loneliness, before we get married, if we get married at all.

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].