Dream a single's dream
But don't let it turn into another nightmare
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. 24B, 28 December 2000

Isn't falling in love supposed to be a wonderful thing? What's so wrong with falling in love? Falling in love is what almost all single people are waiting for and, mind you, we can still afford it.

Everytime I get asked about my romantic involvement, I experience a slight neurosis as do many single people occasionally. Whether I like it or not, society tends to the opinion that the life of a single person is exciting only if there is a love affair involved. Unfortunately, I succumb to such delusion sometimes. Hence, I panic. Although I am often asked this question, I still grapple for answers, especially because I am not seeing anybody in particular at the moment. What do I say? Do I admit to my friends that I am not seeing anyone and let them continue wondering what the heck is wrong with me or do I make up some dreamy story about a fictitious someone that I am seeing?

Since my "I've got a crush" article came out some months ago, everyone has been asking me how everything is going with him. "He's okay," I would normally say, as if he was actually a major part of my life. Sometimes I know I almost sound like he is already my boyfriend. But the truth is six months of continuous flirting has not gotten me anywhere near a relationship with him.

My best friend is wondering why I still have not given up on him, considering that there has not been any progress. Give up on what? It's just a crush, you know. So my feelings remain. I have still got a crush and I remain obsessed. The thought of seeing him still makes me rejoice in waking up each morning, looking forward to seeing him again.

I look forward to the moment when we could talk about things we hardly talk about in front of other people and not notice the length of time we actually spend talking about it. We would talk about nothing and everything. Although I always panic at the first sight of him, he never fails to put a smile on my face, making me forget about all my anxieties and insecurities. He makes me laugh at things that aren’t even funny.

After some months of playing this game, I believe that he already knows about my fondness of him. But despite this knowledge, he continues to flatter me in ways that could really make a schoolgirl out of me. He looks at me as if I am the only person in a crowded room and calls my name in a manner that I have never heard my name called before. Whether the flattery is intentional or not becomes immaterial now. The important thing is he makes me feel good about myself. Even if a lot of the people I know offer me rides, I almost died when he offered to give me a ride home.

But as I have said before a crush is a crush is a crush - not to be mistaken for love. A crush is someone you find terribly and irresistibly attractive. I also said that more often than not, my crush on someone disappears once I get to know the person because the illusion of the person being perfect crumbles once you realize he or she is not exactly what you expect.

In this case, however, the fondness seems to grow more the more I got to know him. He is everything I expected, and more, actually. I thought he would shrivel up or take advantage of the situation as soon as he found out about my fondness. But no. Apparently, he loves to play the game as much as I do.

A married friend of mine has been cautioning me to watch out. I might just find myself too deeply involved and end up getting hurt. When I told him there is nothing to worry about because it's just a crush, he vehemently disagreed and told me he thinks I am falling deeply and hopelessly in love. He added that I have gotten worse since my crush has already become a major character in my dreams (and nightmares) and that I cannot stop talking or thinking about him anymore.

How could I have gotten worse? Isn’t falling in love supposed to be a wonderful feeling? What could be so wrong with falling in love? Falling in love is what almost all single people are waiting for and mind you, we can still afford to. I guess our views differ because he is in fact married and could not afford to tolerate such a feeling for anyone other than his wife. But then, I know that my friend is only being protective because he knows what I have gone through with regard to relationships. Isn't it just ironic that many of the people we know are always so curious when we singles will fall in love and then caution us whenever we are about to?

My protective friend told me that he would not be too protective if he is assured that the feeling I have for my crush is mutual and if I will not put myself up again for the misery of unrequited "love." But we cannot force anybody to love us the way we want to be loved nor stop ourselves from falling in love. The tricky part is figuring out if what we feel is really love.

Nah, I don't think I'm there yet. As far as I am concerned, the object of my obsession is still just a "crush." But many of my friends disagree with me. They say I must be stupid not to make sense of what I am feeling and what he has been doing to me. But whatever this is I feel is certainly worth whatever heartache that may come later on.

When I asked single people I know about their own romantic escapades, I found out that many of them also found it hard to admit to friends the absence of romance in their lives.

Maybe they would like to spare themselves of having to come up with answers to questions like "Why aren't you with anyone yet?" or "But you are a wonderful person! How come you're still single?"

Because whether we admit it or not, we are still part of a society that thinks being part of a couple is always better than being single. And although some of us singles believe otherwise, the voice of the single person usually gets drowned in the couple's world we all live in. Sure, we singles can always claim that single life is just as fulfilling than leading the opposite but I must admit that sometimes, single people, including myself, still can’t help but be pressured to conform with to so-called societal norms.

When asked if a boyfriend or girlfriend is in the offing, a single person's defense mechanism is almost automatically triggered. The most common answer you'd hear would be, "I am seeing someone" or "I had been seeing a lot of people." I hardly hear anyone answering that he or she is as single as one could get and is happy about it, probably for fear of being forcibly set up with somebody or unfairly judged as "abnormal." The tendency is to always find an answer that will be accepted by society, which is sometimes only half true. The other half becomes illusory or wishful thinking.

But having illusions is not so bad in itself. In fact, psychiatrist and famed author M. Scott Peck (The Road Less Traveled) claims in his follow through book "The Road Less Traveled and Beyond" that all of us have to live with healthy illusions, which help support us during times of transitions and give us hope. Such is the illusion of romantic love, the foundation of people wanting to get married.

Guilty as charged. I do live in the illusion of romantic love and I do not deny that I sometimes find myself defensive about whether or not I am seeing anyone. Having that illusion, however, does not translate to desperation. It is, in fact, "normal." I remember a scene in "You've Got Mail" when Greg Kinear asked Meg Ryan if she was seeing anyone. She smiled and said there was none but there was a dream of someone. I, too, am still living in that dream and living that dream is more normal than not having any dream at all. Let's just wish that the dream would not turn into another bloody nightmare.

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