Love trauma
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. 24B, 13 December 2000

For some reason, I never get tired of watching Friends. When I got bored before and still had access to a VCR, I would run to the nearest video shop to borrow tapes of the sitcom and watch them all they long. But since I moved out of my mom's house, I had to rely on my cable television, which, to my luck, shows Friends reruns twice every weekday.

Monica reminds me so much of my best friend — always cleaning, very competitive, very organized and precise. Chandler reminds me of her husband - always trying to be funny. Everybody else is a mixture of my friends and me. I also love watching it because aside from the fact that the main characters are my age, all of them are single, except in certain episodes when Ross finds himself married. All of them are in and out of relationships, still looking for the right one, except probably for Monica and Chandler, who are engaged to each other and will probably get married this season.

They seem to have a lot of fun. They do, however, have their share of problems and heartaches. Okay, okay, I know it's just television but if you pay attention to what happens in each episode, it pretty much reflects what late 20-and 30-something single people go through in this day and age.

Currently, it's the cable network's nth time to run the show's 3^rd season. For Friends enthusiasts, this is the one where Rachel and Ross take a break from their relationship. For non-enthusiasts, a lot can be learned from this episode. Here's a summary of what happened.

Eversince Rachel started working at Bloomingdale's, Ross has been jealous of Mark, who works with Rachel and helped her get the job. Rachel got so fed up and asked for a "break." Depressed, Ross hangs out in a bar with Chandler and Joey. Mark goes over to Rachel's apartment to be a shoulder to cry on. Ross calls to make up with Rachel but hears Mark's voice in the background. He gets drunk and ends up in bed with the girl from the copy place. Unaware of what Ross did, Rachel wanted to get back together with Ross. But after finding out from Gunther (the bartender) what happened, she finds it impossible to get over what Ross did. Their other friends get caught in the middle as their feud dragged on for about two episodes thereafter.

Two people who seem to love each other so much get caught in a situation where one, under extreme pressure, says something that is half-meant and the other, emotionally depressed, takes it to the point of doing something that would hurt the other, without really meaning to.

Ross: She meant nothing to me.

Rachel: She was worth jeopardizing our relationship.

Ross: But we were on a break!

Rachel: You really think you can get out of this on a technicality?

When my friends and I discussed the Rachel-Ross scenario, I was not a bit surprised that the girls were on Rachel's side all the way. The guys, however, seemed to sympathize with Ross. But then again, it could have been the other way around. Rachel could have been the one who was unfaithful, if you could call that being unfaithful. At any rate, the guys seem to think it's generally okay to sleep with someone else especially because the couple was, in fact, "on a break." The problem really is that Ross never thought of the repercussions of his actions.

Does the saying "look before you leap" mean anything at all? Well, sometimes we all get blinded by emotions (and alcohol) that we often forget to we have brains that can tell us there will always repercussions for all our actions. Even scientific laws tell us that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Is a break enough justification to sleep with somebody else after two seconds? I don't think so. But then again, many of us hardly think when we are in such a situation. But not thinking does not make the action right. Some of us might think that Rachel deserved it since she was the one who asked for the break. Some of us may even feel for Ross because he was hurt and jealous when he heard Mark's voice. Besides, he was drunk, too.

Rachel and Ross did get back together after a whole season. Still, things didn’t work out because Rachel wanted Ross to be responsible for all the bad things that had happened to their relationship.

When and how does one start to forgive? Can someone who hurts so bad be able to forgive at all? How can someone who claims to love you do something so sick, so hideous, so disgusting, so hurtful, and so treacherous? Some people I know have been in the same situation one time or another in real life. Fortunately for some couples, they can get over it, although I cannot figure out how.

But having been in a similar situation not too long ago, I find this one of the most difficult situations to get out of or to forget. Some couples (or non-couples), no matter how hard they try, cannot weather the storm because to them, a broken trust can be extremely difficult to glue back together.

If you can do that to someone you claim to love, maybe you do not love that person that much. And if you cannot forgive such "mistake," maybe you do not love that person enough. And if both claim to love each other so much still, all will be forgiven and forgotten, things will fall perfectly into place, and they will find themselves back in each other's arms. You think?

And then what happens to the friends if the couple never makes up ever? Because the ex-couple does not want to be in the same room together, friends become torn. I admit I was a bit harsh on some of my friends. But I was not asking them to choose. All I wanted was for them to acknowledge that I was wronged. Of course, some of them refused to make a stand and maybe some of them felt it was partly my fault, although I still don't get why they would think such a thing until now. In the end, when all's said and done, you realize who your real friends are or you get to know better how your friends think.

Someone even told me, and you may all agree, that I am single now because of my recent traumatic experience. Believe me, it can really make one not want to trust love again, especially after my ex, who has built a career out of hurting me (If he made a thousand bucks everytime he hurt me, he would now be a millionaire.), did a "Ross" on me. Of course, he always justified that we were on a break at that time. I can only wish none of my friends would go through what I went through.

But I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much we care, some people are just assholes. When I look back, I felt almost evil for not being able to forgive immediately. But forgiving someone does not make that someone less of an asshole.

Single people are single for a lot of reasons. Sure, trauma can be one of them only because it becomes more difficult to trust or fall in love again. Inversely, however, the same trauma can also push the person into somebody else's arms faster than you can say, "To hell with it!" If you think about it differently, any relationship after a very traumatic one has the statistical probability of being better. Besides, what could be worse?

But I believe that the most important thing is that we should always go into a relationship for the right reasons and not for the wrong ones. A failed relationship is supposed to make us wiser, if we look at it positively, and demented, if we look at it negatively. I believe that even the most traumatized person can find love again if the right person comes along. If that person does not come along, I still believe it's better to remain single rather than having to live with anyone just for the heck of it.

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].