Never follow your heart,
if what it wants is murder or suicide
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. 24B, 30 November 2000

The cliché 'follow your hear' is a myth. It's good to do it, unless following your heart means strangling someone or burning someone's house.

I will not deny that I had so much angst as I counted the days before my birthday. I didn't know what to expect. On my birthday last year, my friends threw a surprise party for me. I was extremely touched for it was the first surprise birthday party I ever had given me, although I had the feeling my friends pooled their resources together because they felt sorry for me. It was my first birthday without a special someone after quite sometime.

Last year, I had been in and out of depression after a major break up. Aside from my broken heart, bruised ego, and empty wallet, I also felt alone. I thought a trip to Europe would make me forget all the pain. Well, it did. Seeing the wonders of the world around us was invigorating, and given the situation I was in, I welcomed all the distractions. It made forget the ugliness of human corruption that sometimes makes me feel worthless and reminded me of the majestic beauty that spoke directly to my soul, not just my mind. It was therapeutic and energizing.

But it was merely a vacation from reality. As soon as I returned from my trip, I was flooded again with reminders of my misery. The nightmares came back and regret lingered. Many of the people I know told me I was too hard on myself and urged me to move on and forget about the past. But I felt a deserved to mourn a little and take my time no matter how difficult it was. Trying too hard to forget only led to bitterness and anger. I would rather squeeze out of it, no matter how long, so I can move on without being held back by such negative emotions.

There even came a point when I thought it was time for me to be committed to a psychiatric ward for all the mixed emotions inside of me, especially when I began identifying with Ally McBeal's hallucinations. It is alright to be angry if it later develops into understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness. But some people take longer than others to heal and to complete the whole process. Some people don't even get to complete it at all.

My friends and I spent so much time trying to analyze what had transpired in my last failed relationship. Some people even thought I was depressed because I wanted the failed relationship back. And I did, probably for the first two months. I hated the manner by which I was treated or maltreated. And then I would find myself wanting the relationship again and hating it the next minute all for the same reasons. It was difficult for my friends to decipher what I wanted. It was difficult for me, too.

Feelings are feelings and emotions are emotions - confusing 101% of the time. Psychiatrists and therapists make a darn good living trying to put some sense into what we think and feel. But sometimes, we just have to accept that our feelings and emotions cannot be explained. A book written by two therapists outlined five common myths about feelings and somehow it made me feel less guilty about my erratic behavior.

The first myth is that "emotions should make sense." They do make sense but not always. I realize that I am not the only neurotic person on this planet. Whew! "Feelings do not follow rules of logic," authors Xavier Amador and Judith Kiersky (Being Single in a Couple's World) wrote. "You can feel opposites, like love and hate, at the same time." Both feelings are supposed to be valid and recognizing this fact gets one a step further in moving on.

The second myth is "always follow your heart." A cliché, sure. Following my heart sometimes leads me to make a fool of myself. Of course, it sounds romantic but the experts claim that it is always useful to think about what your heart is telling you to do. You may follow your heart, no doubt, but you must take caution, if following your heart means strangling someone or burning somebody's house.

The third myth about feelings is "it's always better to talk about how you feel." The authors suggest that unless you have a full grasp and understanding about the source of your feelings and have thought about how the person you talk to will be affected, it is always better to wait. But to me, I felt better talking about my feelings to my poor friends who are probably dying for earplugs. Friends will always be more than willing to listen. They may not be able to offer solutions but they can definitely have the compassion and concern you seem to be searching for in times of great depression.

The fourth myth is "feelings need to be defended." The book stresses that you feel what you feel and no one really decides to feel a certain way. So long as the feelings do not translate to action, there is absolutely no need to justify. Only actions need justification.

The fifth myth is "emotions can be controlled." Don't you ever get tired of hearing people telling you to stop feeling the way you do? Of course, everybody means well and the goal is really to make you feel better. But the truth is you can only control what you think, not what you feel. When you change the way you think about certain things, then you can start working on the emotions. But that will take time.

Some of you may disagree with the views of the therapists who wrote the book I read. We all have different opinions about emotions and feelings, especially because we deal with them every day of our lives. What is important is that we get different views from different people and use them to make us feel better about ourselves.

My friends probably figured I deserved some kind of special attention so they gave me a surprise party last year. I did need the extra attention and it made me feel better knowing that there are a lot of people who cared for me.

When I celebrated my birthday last week, I initially thought I would feel some hint of emotional depression. I guess I was also trying to convince myself that since I am not having any parties, surprise or otherwise, and no special someone, my birthday will not be as happy.

But I was wrong. I was only fooling myself that I will be miserable on my birthday. I honestly had a happy birthday and I am not saying this to convince myself. I got all the text messages and phone calls I needed to receive to complete my day. The first voice I heard when I woke up was my mom's. The next was my dad's. We had a small lunch treat at work, courtesy of the November celebrants in the office. I visited a bazaar where my friends had a stall. I had dinner with my bestfriend despite her ultra-busy schedule. The following day, I got to see my parents, my grandparents, my brother and my sister-in-law, my sister and her family. I didn't get any flowers this year but what I got was better.

Last year was a year of realization for me. No matter how difficult, I believe that I had to go through the catharsis, a cleansing. John Cage, a character in Ally McBeal, once said that if a year passes by without laughter and tears, consider it a year wasted.

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].