I still haven't found what I'm looking for
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. 24B, 26 October 2000

For some weeks now, I have been so harassed with everything –— work, redecorating my apartment, attending events, going to special classes, fearing the collapse of the economy, rethinking my personal financial strategies, cursing the government, etcetera, etcetera. I had been so busy I almost forgot I about my being single. But it was not long before my friends started reminding me again about my civil status.

"Gosh, I am so sick and tired of everything that's going on. How could we recover from this major crisis? Could we pleeeeease talk about something else?" my friends said over lunch the other day, segueing to the next favorite alternative topic. "By the way, have you been going out with anybody lately?"

Before I could utter a word to give my answer, they immediately started analyzing my standards and tried to identify anybody who came close. Suddenly finding myself a date is in the hands of my friends all over again. I even found it difficult just to butt in the conversation.

Names were mentioned but I had no idea who these people were – what they look like and where they come from. And these names were cancelled out by objections from the same people. I was tempted to tell them about a person I am currently obsessed with but I didn’t want to ruin their excitement.

One friend said I should attend all the social functions with her and she will introduce me to the most eligible bachelors around. Another said she would find me a date if only I would settle for whoever she found, adding that the problem with me was that my standards were too high. Too high? All I said was that I wanted to meet someone who is kind and honest. He would have to have a decent job, too. Of course I have to find this person attractive, even just a little bit. What is so freaking high about that? "There is no such single man," she said. Could anybody be more cynical? Even my male friends agreed that it would be difficult to find such a man. Well, are you suggesting that I settle for someone unkind, dishonest, and jobless? Oh, please. I would rather stay single.

A friend observed that I was too hard to please. I could not prove whether the claim is right or wrong because since I became single again, I have gone out only with three people who are not really looking into having a relationship with me (not yet). They just wanted to hang out and they were not there long enough to know me, or let alone please or displease me.

Another said she didn’t believe in setting up dates and that I should not give in to the pressures of all these offers of blind dates. I never go out on blind dates, I find it too awkward and sometimes, even a waste of time. But I am not going to talk about that now. She believed that matches are made in heaven and things will just happen in due course. The best relationships start off with friendship. But if all your friends are already married, what do you do? I guess you’ll have to make new friends, if there are still people out there who have time to make friends.

It’s amazing how much conversation, arguments, and counter-arguments one can generate about finding a date, a partner, or even a husband. Some reactions are violent and they even lead to discussions about relationships, marriage, and even Chinese astrology! The funny thing was I was not even looking for a date.

It is interesting to note that some 13 years ago, at the beginning my allowable dating age, dating was hardly a problem. When you are young, you can go out with anybody, mostly people your age, and sometimes, you even get lucky to pick who you go out with. I remember how everyone was available and looking for someone to get to know. No one you know was married or intending to get married yet. It was an age of experimentation, of trial and error. When you fall in love, it was somehow easier to fall out of it.

When you're in your 30s, most of the people your age or older are more likely to be married. Then you get to learn how to deal with the few single people your age and those who are younger than you. And now, you become more careful, not wanting to waste time on some futile relationship.

For the sake of further argument, I asked a friend of mine how easy or hard is it to set up a date for a 30-something and up as compared to setting up friends back in college. She said it is more difficult when you are setting up older people because they already seem to have a full grasp of who they are and what they want. To find a match, all things must be considered.

When you are young, your life revolves around school and meeting people. But at the same time, you find it hard to commit to anything because of the uncertainty in your life, especially because your parents are still responsible for you. When you get into a relationship then, you hardly think about marriage.

When you get older, your life revolves around work - making a name, a living, a fortune. Social meetings are incidental and rare – maybe once a month with equally busy friends and twice a year in some corporate social event. But at the same time, it seems easier to commit because of the independence that comes along with having a salary and some sense of stability in life.

What is the point here? Dating has evolved into a major issue among singles, even if some of them do not think about it at all. It can elicit the most interesting, passionate, and violent arguments about who is good for whom and how who can get along with whom. It brings out the creativity in people, as they come up with innovative strategies to make a match amongst friends. It has become challenging and competitive. Find a date for our single friend here and win a prize! It has even become a regular pastime in my circle of friends, usually arising as a form of entertainment and an escape from the strenuous discussions on work and politics.

Although I had not been consciously looking for a date, someone told me that the reason why I still do not have a husband (duh?) is because I am "looking." He said we usually find that someone when we least expect it. Maybe so, but how do I find something if I do not know what I am looking for? All I know is that I still haven’t found it because if I have, I would certainly know, right? I am not attempting to shed light on the matter because I, myself, am confused and tired about the whole "find-me-if-you-can" game. In fact, I just might end up confusing all of you. I guess it is all part of being single.

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].