What happens to love when we don't have money?
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. 24B, 5 October 2000

Some love-struck couples tell me that money is not an issue. "It shouldn't matter," they say. "The important thing is that you love each other." How I would love to believe that! But the wedding alone will cost a fortune, even if you limit your guest list to about 20 people.

While having coffee with a single friend, he posed a very intriguing comment that made me wonder again why people wait longer nowadays to get married. He had been going out with his girlfriend for several years now. They already have plans of getting married, but they just can’t seem to take the plunge yet, right here, right now. His girlfriend is still in medical school and for them to both have a fulfilling life and, not to mention, a nice wedding, she has to first finish school, which is financed by her parents. Also, they don’t have enough money to invite all the members of their families because if they do, they will be counting only on a single income, which is not enough to feed some 300 guests. While sipping his mocha frapuccino, he asked why do we needed so much money just to get married. Can’t anyone have a simple and affordable wedding, or better yet, an affordable life anymore?

Money is one thing that has to be considered, more now than any other point in history. An older friend of mine would always tell me that some 25 years ago, all you need to get married was to make a decision. That was it. In the 70's, he and his wife just thought of staying together forever, found a small chapel, and got married, with just their immediate family in attendance. No frills. No hassle. Besides, they were making less than P1,000 a month as salary. They didn’t even have a bed yet, for heaven's sake! But guess what? They are still happily married and living comfortably. And not having an P8 million wedding did not make them less of a happily married couple.

While planning my wedding that never happened, I voluntarily cut my spending. You see, I am not a movie star or a business tycoon's daughter to be able to afford a million-peso wedding and neither was my jerk of a fiance. I would like to think that we were just ordinary and decently compensated employees who aimed to pay for their own wedding.

My older friend, who got married in the 70's, could not understand why I have to spend so much for the darn wedding. Welcome to the new millennium, my friend. Welcome to the age where weddings don’t come as easy and as cheap. Besides, we were not planning to invite the whole city, just 200 people at the most. I was tempted to have the reception in our backyard, but then we will have to cut down our guest list from 200 to about 20 people.

But I have also heard some love-struck couples tell me that money is not an issue. "It shouldn't matter," they say. "The important thing is that you love each other." How I would love to believe that! I used to believe that some time ago, one year to be exact. I used to think that love would always find a way. But after planning my wedding and already spending for a few things, the object of my stress told me that he didn't think we could afford to get married yet, among other things. I could not believe that someone would go that far and yet be so unsure. That's when I thought maybe love is not all that matters or maybe we were never really in love to begin with.

That was just the financial part of planning a wedding. But in this country, making reservations is the nightmare of it all. Ironically, there are as many weddings as there are single people out there. To reserve a nice church for a wedding at a convenient hour, you have to book a year in advance. Then you wonder whether you and your boyfriend will still be together by the time your wedding day comes.

After reserving the church, you have to find a reception place that can fit all your guests. Here, you have to compete with debuts, golden anniversaries, corporate functions, graduation balls (if in March), and, of course, other wedding receptions. I watched "Father of the Bride" again and again over the Star Movies channel and I could truly sympathize with George Bank's (Steve Martin) dilemma. Imagine having to pay $250 per head! And this movie was done some years ago! I don't mean to scare all the folks intending to get married soon. My point is nice indeed has a price. If you want a beautiful wedding, you must pay for it. You can't eat cake and only pay for candy.

Okay, okay. Let's say money is the least of the problems. What keeps people from getting married nowadays? According to an e-mail entitled "Fulfilling Relationships," written by a psychologist and intentionally sent to single people, men and women are marrying at a later age now more than any time in the past. (A study I read said British marriage rates are the lowest in 160 years of records.) The e-mail says that according to the National Center for Health Statistics (of what country, I really don't know), the average age for women to marry is 28, and for men, 29. It also says that the desire to wait is frequently based on the need "to be sure" about their choice of mate.

Intended to help singles make the decision about marriage, the e-mail offers 15 factors to consider in making the choice for a partner. Briefly, I will try to identify all. (Original e-mail has explanations to each item.)

1. Consider the length of the relationship. Couples who date for two years or more have a significantly better chance of building a happy, lasting marriage.
2. Don’t get married to please others (i.e. parents).
3. Deal with reality. Marriage requires work, patience and endurance.
4. Consider your partner's personality and behavior.
5. Consider your life experience together.
6. Clarify the type of person you want to marry. Consider the appearance, intelligence,   education, spirituality, and so on. Unconscious thoughts can haunt a relationship.
7. Marry someone with whom you have a lot in common.
8. Have the same level of ambitiousness.
9. Communication is vital to marital success.
10. . As a couple, you must be able to resolve conflicts together before getting married.
11. . Couple must be rooted in shared religious and spiritual beliefs.
12. . Compassionate, not just passionate, love is important in a relationship.
13. . Trust and trustworthiness are essential for a good marriage.
14. . Family relationships tell a lot about your partner.
15. . People who love each other have shared dreams and plans for reaching them.

There are several reasons why the women and men of today marry late. Money may or may not be one of them. Whatever the reason, more and more people want to be sure about what they are getting into. Somehow, society has become more complicated than it was, more complicated than when our parents got married. Nevertheless, the e-mail suggests that the reason for most failed marriages is that the two people who got married chose the wrong person. It goes on to say that there is surprisingly a large percentage of people who are so intent on getting married that they don’t invest the necessary time and effort to make a good decision.

I am not anti-marriage. I just believe that one should think twice, thrice, a million times before actually saying "I do." I hope the statistics is true that more and more people are putting more thought into it. Let's just hope the reality bites before it is too late. But then again you could wrack your brains out trying to analyze your partner whether he/she is the "right one" or not and remain undecided as you first give the idea of marriage a thought. After all, even a lifetime is not enough to know a person completely.

Can't love be enough? Has marriage, which is supposed to be the happiest moment in couple's life, turned into a mere urban dream or a nightmare of gargantuan proportions? Geez, I sure hope not.

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].