Who wants a mama's boy…
…Or a wuss or a chauvinist? In other words, who wants men?
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. 24B, 21 September 2000

As single people, we desperately paint a picture of someone we would like to meet, date, and, hopefully, love, based on what we learn in school or from our exposure to other cultures. Sadly, more often than not, that someone is no more than a figment of our imagination.

How hard is it to find a date nowadays? Are all the good men already taken? Single women tell me there is a shortage of men, so it's almost a waste of time to keep looking, searching, longing. Either there are more single women looking for single men than there are single men looking for single women or women just increased their standards.

A single woman wrote me that she finds the men in this country one of four things: a) mamma's boy, b) dependent on parents, c) male chauvinist, and d) torpe. Those traits are apparently not in her "what-to-look-for-in-a-man" list.

I don’t think I have dated enough men to validate her point of view, especially where "mama's boys are concerned," but I can believe that there are some of them out there. Somehow, they remind me of Italians who tolerate "il mammismo" or the "mamma's boy syndrome." Sociologists attribute such phenomenon to the strong Italian family ties that come with an overbearing mother and a coddled son, according to an article in Newsweek entitled "Staying Home with Mama." The only legitimate reason to leave the family is marriage, the article said. Most Italians do not really mind staying at home until they marry. Just like the Italians, most Filipinos live with their parents until they marry, increasing the possibility of having a son so close and so dependent on the mother. But how bad can it really be? Someone once told me that I should be more afraid of men who don't care about their mothers. How could anyone who does not even care about his mother care about me? A man's relationship with his mother says a lot about a man's compassion. So long as he can take care of and make decisions by himself, that's fine by me. I'm not too crazy about those who can’t even go out without asking permission from their moms first.

Being dependent on parents is sometimes more economic than simply "il mammismo." If the salaries being offered nowadays persist at their miserable levels and if the economic condition fails to get any better, today's men will probably live with their parents until they are 50. My letter writer is referring to those men, who, while they can afford to be on their own, refuse to be independent. Again, it is the culture. In the Philippines, being dependent on your parents is no problem. It is, in fact, the norm. Some even stay with their parents even after they marry. Sometimes, your parents even hold it against you when you choose to be on your own.

A male chauvinist is what we all hate but see everyday. Try working in the corporate world. It has male chauvinism written all over the place, despite all the public relations efforts to make people think that men and women are equal in a progressive society. Chauvinism in the workplace, coupled with the portrayal in the mass media that men are superior, is a fixture in the day to day personal interface between men and women. Some men, according to my writer, think that they are God's gift to women. I believe that as long as our society prefers men over women, male chauvinism will linger. Not all men, however, are chauvinists. All men will tell you that.

Being torpe is liking someone but refusing to do anything about it for some reason or another. I couldn’t think of an accurate translation in English, maybe because being torpe is too local and inherent in certain cultures, as in the Philippines. The closest probably would be a "wuss" (pronounced whoos), a cross between a whimp and a pussy, which is not even found in the dictionary. Although there are probably a few who would openly pursue and lay one of those pick-up lines on the ladies they fancy, most of the men my source has encountered so far are wusses.

I ask you now, when was the last time someone actually went up to you to introduce himself and openly asked you for a date? The truth is that in the Philippines, we take "not talking to strangers" a little bit more seriously. The people we date are either friends of friends or people from work or school. Somehow, it is "safer" to go out with people connected to you in some way.

Some women also find the few men who would have the courage to approach a stranger fresh and arrogant. And because they some in "too strong," the courageous men get turned down. Besides, if a woman falls for pick-up lines, it may appear that she is cheap, desperate, or needy, even if she is not.

I also believe, however, that women can be the same way. I can be a wuss most of the time. I cannot get myself to approach men I find attractive, even if I already met them before, to ask them out, for a date or otherwise. But unlike men, women have an excuse not to pick up men. In our society, women are simply not brought up that way. Also, some men find women who pick them up intimidating. It's ironic because men hardly do the picking up themselves because of the reason I mentioned earlier. But a lot of my male friends would probably say that they would love to be picked up by women and if they were, they would probably give in. But they would also probably think less of that woman, one who is only good for a one night stand, never for a life-long commitment.

Being torpe or a wuss, however, is not only evident in picking up people. In fact, there are a lot of situations we find ourselves in where, even if the attraction is so obvious, some people (men and women) in our culture still can’t get themselves to make the first move. Maybe some of them want to be sure first while some are waiting for the other person to make the first move. Or maybe some just can’t take a hint. Or no one wants the risk of being turned down. Whatever the reason is, the result is that single people will just have to rely on circumstantial closeness, one that is dependent on friends and on work, or - let me stretch a bit - divine providence, in search of a potential partner.

But there is hope. Even if we live in a society where being a wuss is widely accepted, there are innovate ways to meet people. The more creative single would find a common friend for a proper introduction, or, if you already know each other, would look for a "bridge", who will do some kind of background investigation and set you up with your target person with all the clues you need.

But can we really blame the men or blame the society that breeds them? We, Filipinos, have been brought up in a certain way, one that is influenced by our cultural past. But at the same time we are also educated in the American way, which promotes liberty, equality, freedom, and independence, all of which have been enjoyed in their country for centuries and in ours for less than one. No wonder everyone is struggling, not just singles. But as single people, we desperately paint a picture of someone we would like to meet, date, and, hopefully, love, based on what we learn in school or from our exposure to other cultures. Sadly, more often than not, that someone is no more than a figment of our imagination.

There really is no one or nothing to blame. But it helps if we understand why things are the way they are. Somehow, it lessens the anger and frustration.

Women say "all men are jerks" in the same way that men say "all women are nags." My good friend would always tell me, "Not all men are the same." Yeah, maybe one in a billion, which makes four men, two of whom must be Chinese. The truth is we could all be from another planet, Mars or Venus. The difficulty of single women in finding men to date is not necessarily a gender issue. It is a cultural issue and it may even be a statistical issue. But it can also be a preference issue - a matter of choice. Some single women do not really mind dating a mama's boy or a male chauvinist. In fact, some women even married them!

Comments? E-mail me at [email protected].