I wanted to check the facts and do interviews. But since my recent trip was far from being related to this column, I hardly had time to do research. Besides, it takes a while before you can start a decent conversation with the locals, unless you speak Chinese. So I decided to go to my favorite part of the mall – the bookstore. It’s always good to go to the bookstores here, the stocks and service of which are a far cry from what we have in Manila.

I sought out books about single life, hoping to find some more statistics about the amazing increase in the number of single people worldwide, a global phenomenon indeed. I found about five books on single life but they were not just about statistics, they were more about how to deal with that kind of life. However, the longer I stayed going through all the shelves, I felt a certain embarrasment. All the books were beside books about sexual fantasies, dating, relationships and love. I looked some more and found myself in the "self-help" section. Why can’t they just put these books in the "lifestyle" section?

Anyway, a not-so-deperate book caught my eye. Authored by California-based Susan Page, the book is entitled "If I am so wonderful, why am I still single?" No that’s more like it. I would prefer to see myself as wonderful than a neurotic psycho who desperately needs self-help.

After going through the book, I discovered that it was also about, yes, you guessed it, self-freaking-help. Reality again for you. As a single person, no one could really help you but yourself.

Page set the tone in the preface that the book is for "involuntary singles," those who would prefer to be in a "committed intimate relationship" but are somehow still alone. She said the "voluntary singles" cannot find the book as relevant. Who on earth would honestly, truly want to be alone? At any rate, she offered 10 strategies for singles in their quest to find love. For what it’s worth, here they are…

Strategy No. 1: Examine your hidden ambivalence.

Ambivalence? What? Who? Me? When I psychoanalyzed myself, I am still confused. I honestly do not know what I want – whether I want to get married or not. But then again, I do want to get married but only to the right person. True, it is easy to marry if you really don’t care who you marry. Page encourages "involuntary single" to find out first if they really want to find the right person or if there are things more important than finding the right person. She says if the ambivalence is hidden, it remains in control. The unexamined ambivalence can lead singles into prolonged unwanted singlehood. Knowing what you really want always helps you get it.

Strategy No. 2: Ignore dread statistics.

How could single people ignore statistics when you feel them everyday? Too difficult for me to ignore the statistics on which I base most of my theory. Page, however, offers another perspective. She said that the numbers do not say much because the studies do not specify whether the single respondents are "voluntary" or "involuntary." Thus, the numbers can be inaccurate. She also said that the popular Bennet-Bloom-Craig study only said that there is a shortage of older single men. If you do not have a problem marrying someone of the same age or younger, then there will not be any problem, both for men and women. I still don’t know. There may be a lot of singles but there are only a few good men (and women). Of course, that’s another story.

Strategy No. 3: Abandon the myth that there are no good ways to meet people.

Page gives a list of activities for meeting people, the same list we get from our friends. I believe, however, that it all depends on how much you really want to engage in such activities.

Strategy No. 4: Keep your standards high.

The book cautions singles about lowering standards just so they can finally be in a relationship. It doesn’t really help if you do, says Page. Lowering your standards will only make you miserable but singles must also watch out for what standards they set. More than anything else, it’s trying to discover what you can live or can’t live with. You definitely cannot be with someone who has qualities you cannot live with. You will just make your life a living hell. But there is always room for change, especially for yourself. But being flexible with your standards does not mean lowering them. But Page reminds readers that "love has little to do with a checklist." Very confusing.

Strategy No. 5: Don’t get stuck in the swamp.

The problem with being single for a very long time is that singles tend to jump into any relationship no matter how doomed it is right from the very start. "Involuntary singles" tend to go into BTN or "Better Than Nothing" relationships, says Page. If you feel the person does not really fulfill your emotional and physical needs, learn how to say no, no matter how wonderful sometimes it could be.

Strategy No. 6: Watch our for frogs in royal clothing.

The book cautions singles of mistaking closeness games, infatuation, or sex for the real thing. Know your boundaries and watch out for pseudo intimacy. I still thing there is nothing wrong with playing games. But as I said in my "boy toy" article, know when and how to stop when the game turns sour and if someone is already bound to or getting hurt.

Strategy No. 7: Beware of the temporary prince or princess.

Page warns the single person of commitmentphobes, those who want to have their cakes and eat them too. If the "involuntary single" wishes to have a lifelong mate, she or he must be very careful in having a relationship with commitmentphobes. Page says the lack of commitment causes stress, problems, and dishonesty, which more likely reduce the likelihood of a commitment. Ironic, isn’t it? I agree with Page when she said "the desire to find someone who is not afraid of commitment is a valid desire and an achievable goal."

Strategy No. 8: Don’t try to make the prince or princess love you.

Do not force anybody to do what they do not want to do. The chapter talks about recognizing the different levels of desire for a good relationship and realizing the degree of incompatibility. Page says you cannot change a person by simply asking for what you want, not asking for it, playing hard to get, using emotional blackmail, lecturing, punishing, or denying your need. Sounds like symptoms of schizophrenia to me.

Strategy No. 9: What to do when you find your prince or princess but you’re afraid of the castle.

Flove, a new word coined by psychologist friends of Page, means the fear that comes with falling in love. Fear is normal. The problem starts when we let fear control our emotions. Just like what you would read in other self-help books, fear must be recognized, accepted, and talked about before anyone can actually overcome it. Page encourages singles to say "yes" to something good like love. She says "saying yes to love is saying yes to adventure, to risk, to experiencing life on many levels."

Strategy No. 10: Increasing your self-awareness and self-esteem.

No need to explain, right?

The book was very exhausting to read. It presents ideas that are struggling against each other. It begins by saying how hard it is to find love in a loveless world but then turns everything around to make "involuntary singles" believe that there is hope. There is always hope, even if it runs thin most of the time.

While some of you may have already passed the ambivalent stage, I am still in strategy one, still figuring out what I really want. Although I have repeatedly said that I do want to get married someday, I now realize that I might just be saying that. If I do not realize that I have other priorities, I’ll just keep wondering why I I haven’t married up to now. Aside from being the ice queen, I can also be the ambivalent queen. But honestly, it’s good to know and realize that I do have other priorities. I just don’t know which are more important to me at this point.

But let me stress once again, nobody could help singles but themselves in figuring out what they really want in life or how they can achieve happiness, whether it be by remaining single or getting married. And while a lot of singles out there are still finding out why they are still single, Page offers the key. Persistence and patience. Determination without desperation.