If it's not the way they look, then what?
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. 24B, 07 September 2000

I remember when the prettiest girl I know cried because someone accused her of getting her way only because of the way she looked. "I hate it when people comment about the way I look," she sobbed. " I don’t even think I'm pretty." I really felt sorry for her because it is wrong to fault people for the way they look. But I felt sorrier for myself. If she was not pretty, what was I? Chopped liver?

During a discussion over lunch with a single male friend, I happen to mention that one of the people we were talking about was still single. He jokingly said, "Understandably so." The reason why he said that was because the person who was "understandably single" was…er…ah…um…not the most physically attractive individual, based on most people's standards. He said it humorously but without the humor, it was actually mean. Politically incorrect.

People are not single because of the way they look. Haven’t you been at the mall long enough to see a lot of people whom you find physically unattractive holding hands with the people whom you find very attractive? Then you think, it must be love. But then again, it may be something else.

In the same manner, there are beautiful people who have aged with grace and have remained single. Just look at Warren Beatty when he was still single. He was the most eligible bachelor in Hollywood for the longest time before he found Annette Benning. I doubt if people found him unattractive during his single days.

I personally know some beautiful people, women included, who are still single even after the age of 40. But I really can’t get myself to interview them because being single, at least in Philippine culture, is seen as a stigma, a curse even. I don't know if they would remain single if they were given a choice. But I really wonder.

We have seen people, attractive or unattractive, fall in love. But that comes after they both start to know each other well and after they were drawn to people whom they find physically attractive. Because the truth is, we pursue those we find attractive at first sight. Falling in love is another story.

I guess it is human nature to seek those whom you or other people find physically attractive. You get to know the person, thinking that it may lead to a relationship. And if it does, it feels like victory. But is it? We see it everyday. It even gave birth to the phrase "trophy" girlfriend or boyfriend. When you get together with the most attractive person by popular standards, you seem to have won. You get brownie points from your peers when you succeed in wooing the prettiest girl in town. Definitely a feather in the cap. But it only takes a matter of time before you realize whether or not you are really in love, and not just infatuated, hypnotized, or pressured into the relationship.

I read in a book about a confession of two single males who had a dark little secret. Both are hanging out and in love with women whom they find physically unattractive. They continue to date and go steady with other women but they enjoy the company and the conversations with the "unattractive" ones the most. One said, "I was in love Ellen but I never told her." The other said, "I was in love, too, but in a mundane kind of way." It was a sad story really. Two men who were caught in what society expects of them and end up saying goodbye to the women they truly love.

Whether we like it or not, physical attractiveness do count to many, if not to all of us, fortunately or unfortunately for some. When I was recovering from my break-up, I looked terrible. I looked harassed, stressed, pissed, jaded, torn, and, most of all, tired. My friends told me to stop crying, get out of bed, and to fix myself up so I can find myself a new boyfriend, one I can parade around my ex. I said I would in my own time. Now that I have recovered, I still look harassed, stressed, pissed, jaded, torn, and, most of all, tired.

When you are single and you find yourself with no one, the question of attractiveness inevitably comes into your mind. There is nothing more terrifying for singles than having to cope with the scenario or even the possibility that they are single because they are not attractive enough. In fact, most singles still refuse to admit that they think about this at all. We refuse to believe that relationships can be that shallow. Somehow, we all wish that when love comes, it would be pure and not based merely on our physical qualities. We tell everyone that we are single by choice, by default, by circumstance, etcetera, etcetera. But we never say we are single because we are not attractive enough. We do have some pride and self-respect, too, you know. However, it can be haunting. Because although there are ten thousand reasons for singleness, you still can’t help but think that physical attractiveness or unattractiveness could be a factor. Am I too fat? Too thin? Too white? Too dark? Should I change my hairstyle? My wardrobe? My face? Do I need a nosejob? A boob-job? Liposuction? Why do I have to be too darn ugly?

Back in college, I remember when the prettiest girl I know cried because someone accused her of getting her way only because of the way she looked. "I hate it when people comment about the way I look," she sobbed. " I don’t even think I'm pretty." I really felt sorry for her because it is wrong to fault people for the way they look. But I felt sorrier for myself. If she was not pretty, what was I? Chopped liver?

But as I have proven earlier with the Warren Beatty case, even attractive people can survive as singles. Look at Madonna, too. She has remained single after her divorce with Sean Penn. I need not say that men fall at her feet. In fact, her singleness did not stop her for having two children. Not that I advocate children born outside marriage. The point is even the most attractive can sometimes end up with no one to love. Singleness due to unattractiveness is merely a thought, a fear, an insecurity more than the truth.

I know, I know. Society can be unfair sometimes, judging people based on how they look. But that's the way it is, in the same way that they criticize people for their civil status and current state of life. We do not have to agree with it, but, hey, we all have to live with it.

Although there are a million things we can complain about the way we look, there are a million and one things we can be thankful for. Look at the mirror and thank God for giving you eyes that can make you can see, ears that make you can hear, a nose that can make you smell, a mouth that allows you to eat, legs that allow you to walk, and hands that can make you write. Thank God everyday for giving you all it takes to survive and enjoy the good things in life, even after the day when or if He gives you someone who can love you for what you have and not for what you don’t have.