Just hang in there
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. 24B, 27 July 2000

Going out every night is one way of catching a spouse. If you expose yourself enough, you increase your chances of landing a mate, but what if you're tired of going out? What if you don't like going out?

The other day while doing my "I-am-so-not-having-a-good-day" routine, a married friend of mine told me to go find myself a husband. You see, I have heard this line ten thousand times already and honestly, I am getting pretty sick of it. On this particular day, I almost screamed at her face, "You know, I really would find myself one but only if you tell me how!" I asked her that if she could find me a book outlining step by step how to find a husband, I would gladly buy copies for myself and for all my single friends for Christmas.

She knew I was just trying to catch her with her pants down so she just turned it around, saying I was still single because I was too darn strong and choosy for my own good. She also told me I could easily pass for a villain in a B movie.

No offense taken. But for heaven's sake, since when does "I am having a bad day" translate to "I need a husband?"

How does one find a spouse? Does being strong deprive one of getting a mate, that is, granting that not having a mate is deprivation? Does this mean that in order for me to land a husband, I should be weak? Well, if that were true, then those who have survived the most break-ups have the least chance of finding someone because getting over a break up makes one stronger. When you are alone and taking care of yourself, you need to be strong. Then, singles will more likely be singles all their lives.

Some men are sort of threatened or intimidated by strong women for their own reasons. Some men, however, are in fact attracted to strong women, until the strength steps on something as delicate as the male ego. But it all depends on how we define a "strong woman" and I am sure each one of us will have his/her own definition. A couple of days ago, I read in a chain e-mail about a study that said men prefer less intelligent women, too. What's up with that?

When you are looking for a lifelong mate, you cannot be choosy, said my friend. I guess any guy who walks up to you is fine, if your goal is merely to land a husband and not really to have a fulfilling life. I guess there are a lot of single people out there who would also like to hook up with other singles, hoping to finally tie the knot and end their miserable single life. But then again you ask, is your life that miserable that you would settle for anybody? Remember, marriage does not guarantee a happy ending. Honestly, I find not being choosy a desperate and needy, bordering on pathetic.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that there are ways to catching a spouse. I guess going out every night, not passing up any opportunity to meet single people, is one. At least, that's what I hear most often. Besides, it sounds logical. If you expose yourself enough, you increase the chances of landing a mate. In other words, if you are too eager to find a spouse, forget about being too tired from work or whether or not you enough cash or credit to party all night. Also, you have to be prepared to hang out for hours without carrying on a decent conversation because the music is too loud. When you hang out in the hottest nightspots, be prepared for awkward small talk with people you hardly know and do not really care for. Frankly, I'd rather be home sleeping or watching HBO, even if their movies are becoming more and more boring and repetive.

Another probable way to land a spouse would be to go out on dates, which could be a problem if you are female and nobody asks you out, unless you are bold enough to do the asking. If you limit yourself to going out only with those who ask you, it might be torture to spend some time with someone only because he seems to be the best of the lot, unless there's like a hundred people asking you out. Then you have to lie about being busy. Or you give it a shot, hoping (against hope) you don't have to spend the time bored out of your wits, fantasizing about going home.

There is nothing wrong with partying and dating, if you do them in the name of fun and socialization. What I am saying is that you might end up disappointed, if your only goal is to find a lifetime partner. Although I am sure that partying and dating worked in some people's quest to find a spouse, I just can’t see them working in mine.

When you are single, people will not only ask you why you are single. They will also try to analyze why you are single, as if being single is some kind of a social defect. They will also offer solutions, as if it is a problem.

Some people just have a way of making singles feel that finding a spouse is just as easy as ABC. But we singles know that is blatant fiction. It is not as if you can go to a "husband store" where all the eligible bachelors are lined up for any utterly desperate single female to pick the most suitable one. Yeah, right. That will be the day.

Most of us were raised to believe that finding a lifetime partner is the expressway to a happy life. If you still do not have one, society will criticize you, whether consciously or not, for not doing something about it. But then again, the same society has taught me that a lifetime partner is someone you love and that love is not something you go looking for. It will find you at the right time and at the right moment. You'll just know it when it finds you in the most surprising way. I guess society is just as neurotic as each one of us who makes it up.

Anyone could probably come up with a set of rules on how to do this and how to do that. I wouldn't be surprised if "Finding a Spouse for Dummies" is on its way to the press. But there are no guarantees that by following those rules, you will get what you've set out for.

There is no formula for finding a spouse. There are suggestions but no guarantees. Of course, by all means, you can choose to hang out in bars all night or date all the eligible people you know. It might increase the possibility of meeting someone, but it doesn't guarantee anything.

In the meantime, all you really can do is to go on with your life, perchance someone out there comes up, someone whom you will love and who will love you back, someone who will like you because you would rather stay home on a Saturday night instead of going out. And when you meet that someone whom you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life with, only then have you found yourself spouse, that is if he or she, too, is willing to spend the rest of his/her life with you. Until then, just live your life as a single and wait patiently for the right moment, if it ever comes at all.