Free to be
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. 24B, 20 July 2000

A friend wants to quit his job. Why is it so hard for him to decide whether to do it or not? He’s single with no monthly overhead or family to sustain. But then there’s always the future, where there might be a wife.

A single friend of mine asked me if being single, I find it easier to make decisions. In other words, he was asking if singles make better decisions than those who are not single.

That was a tough one. There seems to be no right or wrong answer. There are always two sides to an argument. We have all heard the saying that two heads are better than one. But then again, are they? I try to ask for other's opinions when I make a decision and most of them give good feedback. Whatever decision I make, however, will not have an impact on their lives so I still have the choice to follow or not to follow the advice.

A married friend said that she had gotten so used to not making decisions because her husband does it for her. She has no qualms about it, though. It can be tiring having to come up with decisions about almost anything. To her, it works out real well. She is too busy to decide on minor things that she honestly hardly cares about.

When you are single, you have so much flexibility that deciding on the right thing to do can drive you up the wall. Advice from friends would not hurt but at the end of the day, it's your ballgame because being single means looking after yourself.

But when you make decisions on your own, you will have no one to blame but yourself if the decision turns out to be bad. But if you base your decision on somebody else, specifically a better half, you will have the convenience of having a scapegoat. Of course, you can choose not to be vocal about it.

A married friend said when you marry, you tend to blame everything on your spouse, sometimes without even meaning to. Even where they will put the microwave becomes a major decision, if it will be safe on top of the refrigerator or not. When you are single, you can put the microwave in the bathroom if you wish, but you only have yourself to blame if you get nuked while taking a bath.

I know someone who wanted to quit his job. He's sick and tired of it and needs a change of career. Although he could afford it because he is single with no monthly overhead or family to sustain, he kept wondering if it would be the right decision for his future. Let's face it, when you are single, whatever happens to you will be your own doing. But it seemed doubly hard for him because he will have no one to blame if things do not work out. But then, there's always a future, where, in his case, there might be a wife or family. Nevertheless, part of our learning process is to live with the decisions we make. Anyway, there's always the future, where in most cases, we might have the chance to correct it or forget it or whatever.

When I decided to relocate back to Manila, my ex-boyfriend was a paranoid freak who reminded me now and then not to blame him in case our relationship went berzerk. How could that be possible? He did ask me to relocate. Of course, I had to consider many other things, but there's just no way I can count him out as one of the reasons for my decision. Nice try, bud. But I must admit I partly blamed myself for being duped by the jerk.

There's no good, however, in blaming yourself or anybody. It's self-destructive because you may end up without a shred of confidence in yourself. Self-blame makes one feel worthless. Most of my friends, who would give me free psychiatric advice, usually stop me from blaming myself for every failed relationship because I have the tendency to pin myself down.

It is important to recognize your mistakes, not to punish yourself, but to learn from them, to remember not to do them again. When you make a wrong decision that will affect your life, don't be too hard on yourself. At least you had a clear exercise of independence and freedom.

Someone asked me why guys always get blamed for break-ups, whether or not they caused it, wanted it, initiated it. What he didn’t see was that when we were talking, he was actually blaming his ex-girlfriend for the break-up. I don’t see it as a gender thing. But somebody always has to take the blame. Somebody always gets blamed for anything that goes wrong, break-up or not.

Blaming somebody else for your fate could not be good either for it makes you forget your participation in the whole ordeal and lose your sense of responsibility for your actions. Denying participation or denying a fault gives one an obscenely wrong sense of perfection.

The bottomline is - making a decision is always hard, especially in a very confused world like ours. When you do it alone, you practice independence and responsibility for self. When you do it with someone, you practice your negotiation skills and responsibility for others. But whether we do it alone or with someone, each decision will have a consequence and the consequence can be good or bad, depending on how you come up with your decision. We are taught in science that for every action, there is always a corresponding reaction.

When you are single, whatever decisions you make, you make on your own, with a little help from friends but without the imposition of a partner. The good thing about it is that you are not forced to make decisions based on somebody else's needs, desires, philosophy, and outlook. Thus, you have the opportunity to explore and learn without really having to compromise somebody else's life or feelings.

You have the opportunity to start over if you fail or plan ahead of what dreams may come your way. You can also change your plans along the way. Some romantics like me base some of our decisions on a husband whom we haven’t even met (or have we?). Such decisions include getting my own car, just in case my future husband can't afford two cars or investing in life insurance so our kids will have something, just in case something happens.

I tell my single-but-attached friends that I do not count them as truly single because most of their decisions are actually based on their existing relationship. True, they claim to be single and independent but I don't think so. They seek permission before they can go out. Their weekends are dedicated to spending time with their better halves. Their decisions are mostly based on what their partners think. Funny how they instantly gave up the claim of being truly single the moment I told them about a recent survey, which claims that single women have less sex - and less satisfactory sex.