I've got a crush, so what?
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, P. B24, 6 July 2000

 While having dinner with a married friend, I started blabbing about my latest "crush." So juvenile, she said. Yeah, yeah, she was right. At my age, I was still acting like a schoolgirl with pigtails and puppy eyes.

My friend knew me since grade school so she pretty much knows how ridiculous I can be at times. She reminded me of the time that I acted like an obsessed groupie towards a crush back in college. My actions paid off, in a sense, because he and I got close, too close that I even helped him court a friend who eventually became his girlfriend. It was fine by me, although I got jealous occasionally. I didn't think he was worth the pain and scorn. We are still good friends and I do not feel sorry that I did not bear him a child.

For a long time now, I had been very aloof towards the opposite sex. Traumatized, I guess is the word. Some of them saw me through the barrier but somehow, things do not blossom into a serious relationship because of maturity and commitment issues. A fortuneteller told me that it would take time for me to "fall" again because I had become too choosy. Yeah, I could have told him that myself, even without a deck of cards. I had become a skeptic, jaded even. I find it hard to trust again.

But I take offense when someone calls me a "man-hater." The nerve. I do not hate men but I do hate those, even women, who turn out to be sorry excuses for human beings. True, sometimes, I sound like a jilted girlfriend waiting for the opportunity to pounce back at any member of the male species for the sins committed by their kind. But frankly, I do not care very much about vengeance.

But let me tell you about my latest obsession. We were never really introduced, but I can say I knew him quite well even then. Recently, we sort of bumped into each other again. I could be imagining things, the way you usually do when infatuated, but I would like to think that he is giving me special attention now, probably more than what I deserve. I found him intriguing and annoyingly cute when he compliments me on almost anything.

I was not aware at first but I found myself taking my aero-boxing classes a little bit more seriously. And, yes, I found myself eating barely enough for fear of gaining extra pounds. I started losing sleep, looking forward to seeing him or brewing up a scheme that would make him fall hopelessly in love with me. And oddly enough, I started looking for my tiniest miniskirt.

When I noticed the changes, I thought I had lost it. It drove me up the wall thinking about it. I conceded that I had become neurotic. My roommate even had a ball watching me go nuts over what to wear and how to act. I found it strange that whenever he pops a question that requires a simple "yes" or "no" answer, I would panic. How can I be a 13-year-old at this age?

My biggest mistake was telling my friends I found him cute. Now, they're making it their mission in life to get the two of us together.

But friend warned me about self-destruction. I told her not to worry. I may be giving myself false hopes, she said. I told her the fun and thrill of just having someone to ogle at is well worth the time and effort. She warned me about being "taken for a ride," but I didn’t care. I've fallen so many times, how bad can one more fall get? If someone does take me for a ride, thank you very much for the pleasurable trip. At least, I had the chance to feel "juvenile" again. Besides, it is something single people can do while they can still afford it. Once again, I was glad I am still single.

My married friend poured out how she, as a married woman, could no longer engage in such an exercise. It would not be wise to open herself up to temptation. Besides, it would be very unbecoming of a married woman to even entertain the thought of finding another man attractive. Of course, married people do find other people attractive. They just can't be as open about it, especially to their husbands, or do anything about it because if they do, they just expose themselves to the risk of experiencing the wrath of a jealous spouse or, worse, the wrath of guilt. Not worth it.

Just like any other single (or not so single) person, however, I ogle and hope something fruitful comes of it, whether cheap thrills or a long-lasting relationship. It can be a single person's favorite pastime. I remember how my friends and I spend hours ogling at the cutest guys on campus way back when. It's nothing serious, really, just for fun.

But if you are single and start ogling at a married person or a "committed" person, it becomes a bit difficult. There is nothing wrong with merely admiring someone but once the flirting starts, it may go out of hand. Someone is bound to get hurt. Keep your eyes on singles for that chance of clean and innocent fun. Believe me, it will be worth it if you don't fall in too deep.

Mind you, a crush is a crush is a crush - not to be mistaken for love. But we all must have felt that sometimes the high one gets from a crush can be compared to (or even surpass) the high one gets from love. A crush is someone you find terribly and irresistibly attractive. I do not develop a crush unless the person gives me some sort of special attention. I find it pathetic to have a crush on someone who does not even have an inkling that I exist or on someone who would not care at all if I throw myself in front of a bus.

I also do not develop a crush without talking to the person. Sense of humor and wit are part of my criteria. I do not expect anything in return. After all, none of my crushes in the past ever became my boyfriend. More often than not, my crush on someone disappears once I get to know the person. Somehow the illusion of the person being perfect crumbles once you realize he or she is not exactly what you expect.

I remember an old crush who would sneeze in front of me without covering his nose or even excusing himself. I tried to get over it by just seeing it as cute and funny but it became annoying after a while, especially when he started wiping his nose with the tablecloth. The good thing about having just a crush is that you can wake up one morning and decide that you no longer want to be under the spell. Sometimes, no one even has to know about it.

When I listen to myself, I sound a bit defensive. Maybe because I am done expecting and if I do expect, I will choose to expect the worst. This way, anything would be better. Or maybe because I remember the feeling of being desperately infatuated, how it scared me out of my skin. Or maybe I just enjoy torturing myself one more time before I actually hit the bottom (again).

Maybe my crush is reading this right now. Do you have an idea it's you I'm talking about? If you do, you sure have an overblown ego (Sorry, dear). But who cares? It's just a crush, you know.

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