Where have all the cowboys gone?
SINGLES by Karenina Yaptinchay
Manila Standard, p. B24, 8 June 2000

While I was having a discussion with a 40-something married male friend about "my perfect partner," I was discouraged to hear from him that men have changed. They used to be more romantic, he said, going the extra mile to come up with innovative and original ways to woo a lady. He remembered how, in his younger years, he would write poems for the girls.

For some reason, I started laughing. Was it because I remembered the last time I received a poem from someone? Or because I haven’t heard of anyone who writes good poems? Or because I agreed with what he said? I popped the question, "where have all the men gone?" I'm not exactly looking for those who write poetry and give flowers. I'm looking for those who are not too caught up with the changes.

The conversation somewhat reminded me of the Paula Cole song: "I will do the laundry, if you pay all the bills. Where is my John Wayne? Where is my prairie song? Where is my happy ending? Where have all the cowboys gone?" Funny, how the song got caught up in my mind. I sang it over and over the following days that it annoyed my friends.

The song sounds a bit sexist, I must admit. After all, there's the woman offering to do the laundry and the dishes while the man pays for the bills and quietly has a beer. But honestly, it's about the contract, no matter what the terms, we sign together, should we decide to establish a relationship. In Cole's lyric, it's about the woman agreeing to do so, as long as the man lives up to his part of the deal. Desperation sets in. Apparently, the woman still longs for a happy ending, which she does not get (well, at least, not yet).

I asked my single female friends to try to remember the times that they were courted. When was the last time they received flowers or poetry from a suitor (not boyfriend) who risked rejection for a chance to win their heart? Or the last time they had a suitor visit them in the house? I asked the males, on the other hand, when was the last time they gave someone they like (not girlfriend) poetry or flowers. Everyone had to think hard to remember the simplest thing. The events they mentioned dated back to high school and college.

Things have changed, indeed, not only because we got older but because society itself has changed. When you get older, you wouldn't want to waste precious time or money. Some of my female friends said that they didn’t have patience to entertain people who they think will not make a good partner for them. It might be unfair to lead the suitor on if she knew from the very start that he was not her "type." Older singles tend to be surer of what they want, although, of course, you can never be too sure about anything in this world.

When you get older, your criteria become more definite. There seems to be a rating sheet, more precise and exacting. Someone who told me that he has a list of qualities he is looking for in a woman admits he would settle for only 80% - at least 80% - of his requirements.

For the males, on the other hand, it is more like not wanting to spend time and money for someone who does not seem to be too interested. Perseverance has gone extinct, save for perhaps a few isolated cases of obsession, which address egotistical concerns more than anything else. The strategy seems to be feeling the water first before taking a dive. It may be too cold for a swim, or too shallow to keep one's head in one piece.

Also, working singles hardly have time anymore to do traditional visits and "meet-the-parents" routine. Weekdays are too hectic and weekends are for recharging or more like for self-indulgence. It seems more practical to meet somewhere for dinner or cocktails after work or coffee after dinner. Going to the movies on weekends seems adequate enough, aside from being more relaxing, free from hassles of having to dress up appropriately and prepare ready answers to anticipated questions. You only get to meet parents when you are already in a serious relationship, if you ever get there, given that you feel you have to tread ever carefully to reach that point.

In the process, we lose the youthful romance and the gender roles that used to be present in courtship. These changes have led us to more practical but less romantic and gender-blind relationships.

Traditional roles of males and females have taken dramatic shifts in the recent years probably because of the strong reinforcement of women independence in today's society. A single female friend who lives alone said she does not invite anybody she doesn’t know well over to her house for security reasons. To her, it is better and safer to meet outside.

I do believe in equal rights for men and women, but in my book, it has nothing to do with gender roles. I believe that there are still certain societal roles each gender should play. For example, I would still prefer a man who would open the door for me, to at least offer to drive for me, to at least take the lead role in providing for a family, if we actually decide to become one, or to actually be my hero and my savior, where it counts. Someone I used to date in college allowed me to take the bus to Baguio because he and his friends were taking his car. I almost broke a lampshade on his face.

When I recently asked a group of males 25 to 30 years of age if they would mind having partners who made more money than they and who would probably end up supporting them for the rest of their lives. Deep inside I knew they would mind, but everyone said it is not the issue. It's not the money, it's how much both can give to the relationship. How practical and realistic, I must say, but sad nevertheless. Where the hell is my freaking John Wayne, who could sweep me off my feet and ride me off to the sunset in a fast horse?

Some people must have taken "equal rights" too far. I don't think equal means the same. Women are more independent now, sure, but that does not mean men are any less male or women any less female. For as long as you can help it, why not play the role of a lady and leave the role of a gentleman to the male. Oh, what an old-fashioned dinosaur I am, but I really think it would be nice to still be wooed and treated like a lady. How can John Wayne give me a ride if I insist on riding my own horse anyway?

When my single friends and I gathered to talk about the people we dated, it turned out to be more of a bashing session. No offense against either one of the genders but we all wondered where all these noble men (or women, as the case may be), who still recognize respective gender roles, are hiding. The search seems like an unending journey where the roads cross, where one path looks exactly the same as the other.

"Probably married already," says a single friend who doubts if she'll ever fall in love again.

"There is a lot out there but we just haven't encountered them," says a more optimistic single friend of mine. But even if you find these people, there is no guarantee that they would live up to the promise of a happy ending. Reality bites and you always end up compromising or settling for what you get and then you can kiss your prairie song goodbye.

Maybe the phrase "settling down" when used to describe marriage does not only mean choosing to live a quiet life with a lifetime partner. It can also mean "settling for" something less than you have always dreamt of.