Flight on Torn Wings

"Is it possible, at certain moments we
cannot imagine, a horse can add its
sufferings together - the non-stop jerks
and jabs that are its daily life- and turn
them into grief? What use is grief to a horse?
- "Equus" by Peter Shaffer -

I had been standing there for quite a while, it was cold but I couldn't help enjoying it despite the chill that had crept under my skin. It was growing darker, the overhead layering of clouds thickened lazily as the distant sound of thunder echoed far behind me. I shivered and rubbed my arms roughly as a sudden gust of wind got under my light clothes making me feel even colder.

"Aren't you going to leave at all?" the soft chuckle coming from behind didn't surprise me, it did however make me turn around.

"Mu. I didn't expect you'd come and see me off," I greeted him lowly.

"Neither did I, but you have been standing here for more than two hours and... you're not leaving." I laughed softly and shrugged, giving him an amiable look.

"I'm still a bit indecisive. I know where I have to go, I'm just not sure I want to know what I will find out. It has been so long." Mu shook his head and walked up to where I was, staring at the view below the high cliff, from where all of Sanctuary was visible.

"Just go Shaka, take a leap. It's the only way to get anywhere for a human, and that is what you are trying to become, isn't it?" his eyes shone with a vaguely playful glow, wavering between red and purple because of the diminishing light. So much could be told by how people's eyes looked, yet so few had seen mine. Perhaps that was why I had become such a mystery and problably the reason why I was afraid of looking at anyone in the face now. Would their eyes be much richer and deeper than mine? Were they as empty as I felt myself to be? Mu's were like a rich red wine in colour, shifting from amusement to icy determination, deep emotions that were nevertheless slow to burn and lacking the passion that had burned me such a short time ago. Did I seem blank and empty to him?

"Milo's right, you have definitively become everyone's sentimental advisor." He laughed out loud, a wide smile spreading across his face when he finally stopped.

"So you went to say goodbye to him? Sometimes you surprise me Shaka." There was an undertoned paternal emotion in his voice that made me arch and eyebrow pointedly.

"What do you mean?" I queried softly. Mu pushed his long lilac hair behind his shoulders and cocked his head to one side, crossing his arms humorously.

"You felt you had to tell him you were leaving, didn't you?" I opened my mouth to snap back irritably but found myself bereft of any argument. He was right, I had.

"Damn him, he really does get under your skin...." I had never really viewed it like that, but it was true. Milo had a knack for making people feel for him even if he rarely noticed it, there was something about him that made it impossible to truly ignore his existence. You could hate Milo, you could love Milo... but once you met him you could never pass him by. What was it in him, that made people react like that? Lately I had begun to understand what an aberration to his nature he had been before that one night when we....

"Milo?" he muttered smiling. "Definitively! But that is just what makes him special. We all have something that makes us stand out. Milo's passion, Aiolia's courage, Camus temperance..." his voice trailed off sadly. Goddess, were they really gone for good? All of them?

"Distinctive features, huh?" I whispered smiling.

"Shaka... everyone is born under a constellation, under one of the twelve constellations, yet there are planets and regents and midskys... that is, if you belive in astral charts." I let out a short huff of a laugh and sighed.

"And we all represent something?"

"We represent the spirit of humanity, the bond between the gods and their creation in which we worship them and they protect us in turn, and while Athena looks over the world for the humans it is only fitting that that which protects her is a sum of what she seeks to prove as worthy." I stared at him long and hard, having never heard something like what he was saying now. "Milo can't help being so magnetic just like I can't help being so... bland, and you can't help seeking knowledge that you don't possess. We all make mistakes along the way. It's only human."

"So, lesson one: humans make mistakes."

"Always," he replied grinning slightly. "Even those closest to the Gods."

"What about you? You are not human," I asked after a while seeing him start slightly and then shake his head as if he were listening to a foolish child. Strangely, I did not feel offended.

"Shaka, you really should get going..." he whispered, his eyes growing damp and affectionate.

"You haven't answered my question."

"You really don't understand it, do you? If you are seeking humanity as a state of the flesh then you need not go any further, you know you are human just by looking at your body. The humanity you seek will not be found in biological terms," he scolded me softly, giving me a light shove forward. "Go."

"But... what is human then? Who is?" I demanded. Mu shrugged and stepped away from me.

"Isn't that what you are going to find out?"

I paused, blinking back at him. Yes, I was going after that, wasn't I? It was more than just understanding my own feelings and their origins, if was trying to define the essence of humanity, to understand how being mortal could actually be more complicated than being a deity. I wanted to understand it, to grasp that knowledge and use that as an anchor to my soul. Just like Shura had needed his honour to hold him together, just like Aphrodite had been the more vain side of our nature and Saga... he had been the most human among all of us, he had been unable to stand up to the darker side of his nature. Yes, Mu was right. This was what we were, and we could only follow the paths our souls demanded of us.

"Mu... about Milo...."

"Just go Shaka. He'll have to learn to deal with this on his own." I frowned and gave him a dark look. Mu straightened up slightly and shifted his weight. "Okay, I admit it. I'll be looking out for him every now and then, so what?" The Aries saint sounded almost guilty.

"I thought so."

"Just go already, you're only making yourself more uncertain by standing here indefinitively," he pushed me again, harder than before. I looked at him gratefully, then back up at the sky.

"You're right."

I teleported away before he said anything else, feeling the grating cold numbing my bones as the world dissolved into darkness and then shifted back into being. A muddy road greeted my feet, the first step succeeded in splattering the hem of my robes with dirt and water. I glanced down irritably.

"Well...." I muttered to myself, seeing the small rustic village start a little further down the road. "...well."

The sun peeked out from between a rather frail group of clouds, the uneven rays scattered irregularly over the ground. Beyond the precarious settings I could see the beginnings of gardens and, even farther ahead, the first great houses that had survived the test of time to be handed down to the descendants of the English who came here long before I was born. I shivered again despite the warm air around me and took a deep breath. I had come, I was here; it was time to start picking up the pieces I had left behind.

Children played in the mud as I walked by, a few wrinkled old women nudged each other in the shadows and pointed their brown leathery fingers at me, whispering lowly as I passed. The people turned to stare at me in curiosity, tall and pale, a blue eyed blond man that dressed like them nonetheless. Of course, news of me had not reached this area, not even when I still trained my late pupils in the arts of mediation while people crowded around us just to get a look at the young Buddha.

I walked past all of them through the slippery streets and uphill, to where the large houses stood on a small hillock, still guarded by their ornamental iron-barred fences and surrounding vegetation. Sadly, I could tell by the quantity of plants and the unruliness that marked the once clean-cut gardens that the supposedly vast fortunes owned here were running out and the priceless estates were being left in various states of decay. I ran my fingers over a particularly rusty fence and sighed.

Time forgot nothing and no one, it seemed.

When at last I came up to the house I had been searching for I felt a lump forming in my throat, a vague anguish at the broken down appearance of what had once been my home and my whole world. I pushed the tall gateway open and walked into the unkempt garden. An old woman dressed as a servant came out of the main door of the house, artificial skirts ruffled by her anxious walk.

"I'm sorry, this is private property." I smiled at her unsure gaze and shook my head.

"I'm here to see Emily Browne... does she still live in this house?" The woman blinked in surprise and nodded numbly. "Could you please tell her that William is here?"

She nodded again and run back into the house hurriedly. I waited patiently, unsure of what to expect at this point, but the woman came out again and motioned for me to follow her inside, so I did. She gazed back at me in fright every now and then... did she know who I was?

"The lady is in the drawing room." She indicated with her hands and bowed lowly before retreating. I could feel her eyes on me nonetheless, which convinced me that my existence was not entirely secret over here. I steeled myself for what was to come and stepped through the high doorway into the heavily decorated room beyond. Tigerskin rugs were thrown on the floor, the hard polished wooden furniture held a disarray of silverware and crystals that glinted in sun as the wind ruffled the heavily embroidered curtains, letting the warm rays of light in. I remembered this place, but the finery no longer seemed homely to me, it was a world of richness I had opted out off. As clean as the room seemed, as polished as it all was, I could see the worn out look of the rugs and the marks of termites on the wood; whatever richness there had been here before was now held only in opulent pretence.

"Will...?" a soft, broken voice coming from the darker side of the room startled me. I turned slightly and took another step in, closer to the dark corner where a high-backed armchair stood.

"It's been a while," I murmured. "I'm sorry to impose on you, I just wanted to see if this house was still standing."

A soft sigh came from the direction of the chair and I looked up into the owner's eyes curiously. "Is it really you... Will?"

"Yes, Mother. It is me."

She rose from the chair and stepped into the light where she could see me better. Though time had hardened her skin and taken the glow away from her eyes she still held some semblance of the beauty she had once been, when I was a child.

"Why are you here?" she whispered, wiping her eyes irritably and staring back at me curiously.

"To visit some people and places... I'm not here to bother you, so don't worry." Somehow, it hurt to talk to her like that, even though there had never been any love between us.

"I see..." the glacial tones I remembered had returned. "And will you be staying long?"

"A week at most."

"Where will you be staying?" she inquired mildly. I blinked at that and frowned.

"I hadn't thought of that, actually."

"Wonderful... my son is an idiot." She shook her head in bewilderment and sighed, looking up at me with dull blue eyes. "You have grown though."

"Did you expect me to stay small forever?" I countered humourlessly.

"I didn't expect to see you ever again." She stated in an odd tone of voice.

"I'm sorry for ruining your plans then." I answered lowly. We both fell silent then, and I took the time to size her up. Now that I was an adult I could truly appreciate what a beauty she must have been, back when there were no grey streaks in her hair and no lines on her forehead. Age had crumpled her, taken away the freshness of her loveliness but not her distant grace, time had made her a statue of broken youth and unattainable hopes. I found myself unable to say anything, caught between her eyes and my memories of what my childhood had been like. Still, though I didn't know what it was, there seemed to be some indefinable change in her... perhaps age had smoothed out her edges? Even so there really wasn't much for us to say to each other. She had never wanted me, I had never cared for her. She had given me to my teacher freely, wanting to be rid of me.

Though Virgo Sylph had never told me if she had exacted any money from him in exchange for me or not, I guessed it was indeed better that I shouldn't know about it. I stared down at her and let out a long sigh; I shouldn't have come here.

"You could always stay here..." she spoke up suddenly, startling me with the roughness in her tone.

"Here?"

"Yes, the guest's bedroom is empty right now, besides, tomorrow..." she paused, biting her lower lip as she mulled something over and ended up changing the subject. "What do you say?"

"Do you want me to stay?" I asked lowly, feeling oddly touched and confused by her capitulation.

"I honestly don't give a damn."

I blinked in surprise at the unladylike behaviour and smiled curtly. "I guess I could stay here then, for tonight."

She nodded absently and straightened her long dress before leaving the room, not without a final warning:

"I eat my dinners alone, so you can go down to the kitchen whenever you're hungry. Good day."

I ended up spending the rest of the day walking around the house, seeing how it had changed and how in some rooms time seemed to have never gone by. My mother retreated to her quarters and didn't come out after that, the servants told me she tended to spend most of her time in bed anyway, unless the lady was about to come, which made her jittery. When I asked about this particular lady they bowed lowly and excused themselves, telling me they weren't allowed to talk about their Mistress' business.

I went down to the kitchen in the early evening and went to bed early, unable to comprehend why I felt so tired when I had done practically nothing. Maybe this was what it felt like to be "emotionally drained"? That thought made me laugh, and entertained me into sleep.

Waking up was a rather unusual experience; morning brought an unexpected surprise with it.

"Wow... you really do look a lot like me!" I opened my eyes to find I was barely inches away from another face and another pair of sky blue eyes just like mine. I froze on the spot, too surprised and unsure of what to do. The eyes warmed and I heard a soft giggle coming from the face in front of me.

"Excuse me?" was the best I could muster.

"Oh! I'm sorry to have woken you up... but I was so curious about you! You're William, aren't you? You have to be! We're so alike! Isn't this exciting? Mother never spoke about you but the servants had a whole lot of tales to tell, I never thought I'd meet you though!" her rapid and cheerful speech dizzied me and I pushed back further into the bed, feeling overwhelmed by this girl as she got away from me, and kept on talking animatedly while she walked around the room. I hastily checked to see I was wearing a proper sleeping attire and let out a sigh of relief when I saw I was.

"Er... and who are you?" I queried, trying to sound as neutral as possible. She blinked twice and then pouted, placing her hands on her hips and taking two strides to stand in front of me.

"You're not telling me you can't tell just by looking!?" she demanded in a high voice with - I noted after these few minutes- a heavy American accent.

I stared up at her, then down to her feet and back up in amazement. She had a slight build that I could only define as willowy, with long straight legs and a thin frame. She wore a plaid skirt with a Scottish motif and a feminine little green jacket over a white blouse, a small green tie over her neck and a little green hat on her head finished the ensemble. I stared. A schoolgirl? Looking closely at her face I discovered a small pink mouth, high cheekbones and two startlingly blue eyes framed by long thick lashes. Her long blonde hair hung over her shoulders and down to her waist loosely as she danced around on her feet while I watched her.

"You're a schoolgirl?" I volunteered, unwilling to make anymore assumptions though a strange emotion had gripped me as I began to understand.

"Arrgh! I'm your little sister you moron... you ARE William, aren't you?" she asked, narrowing her gaze dangerously.

"My name is Shaka."

That took her by surprise and she took a few steps back, cocking her head to one side. "So you're not... William? But we are so much alike! Are you sure you're not him?" she pouted again and gave me a baleful stare. "Positive?"

"My name used to be William... but I would much rather you called me Shaka." I explained finally, and saw her face explode into a bright smile.

"Oh! Oh! So you are my brother! I'm so excited! This has to be the best summer holiday I will ever have, in all my life!" I was about to tell her to calm down when she rushed up to me and put her arms around my neck into a tight possesive hug. "I finally get to meet my mysterious big brother!"

I was speechless all during her hug, until I felt something shift in her low untrained aura and she pulled back with a deep frown marring her features.

"So? Say something!"

"I'm not sure if there's anything I can say," I murmured, giving her a blank look. She sighed and shook her head.

"Men!" she cried, as if that explained everything. Then she got up and started walking around the room smiling. "So... where are we going today?"

"Going? We?" I felt completely overpowered by her extroverted personality, but I couldn't help trying to rebel as I saw she was dragging me along in whatever way she wanted. She reminded me a bit of...Milo.

"Yes: we. Since this is the first time we meet we ought to go out together... you know... a kinda brother-sister thing?"

"We ought to?"

"Shouldn't we? I mean, we've never met so we have years and years and years to catch up on, and since mother refused to tell me about you I know so little... anyway, I only heard stories in the summer cause I spend the rest of the year at a boarding school in California and after father left us mother refused to speak about the past even more." She barely stopped to breathe before going on. "Now... what should you wear...?" She rummaged through the room and stopped in front of a chair where I had thrown yesterday's clothes after taking them off.

"I'm not so sure you should make plans like that..." I was about to start when she let out a horrified yelp.

"What the hell is this? A toga? My brother goes out into the streets dressed in a bloody toga? What are you? Some kind of guru?"

"Er...actually...." she looked up as I stammered and her jaw dropped open.

"You're kidding me."
"Perhaps guru is not the appropriate word..."
She stared down at the Hindu clothes in her hands and then back at me, pale. "You're some kind of reincarnated priest or whatever?"

"No... not quite."

"But you can use normal clothes... right? You know... like trousers and blouses and all that?" she asked, still fingering my robe.

"Yes I can, and I will if you let me change."

She blushed furiously and started. "Ah! Yes, of course, sorry! I was so caught up in meeting you I didn't think you might want to go to the bathroom... do you?"

It was my turn to blush. I was - however- saved by circumstance.

"Miss Alicia! Miss Alicia!" the servant from yesterday broke into the room. "Oh, Miss Alicia! Your mother wants to see you now!"

My sister, whose name I now knew to be Alicia, frowned and crossed her arms over her chest irritably. "But I'm meeting my brother here!"

"She wants you now!" the servant pleaded, and I saw my sister's face soften as she gave in.

"Fine fine... I'll go. But you!" she cried, pointing at me with one decisively commanding finger. "You will wait for me before you go out today!" I nodded numbly and watched in silence as she walked out of the room followed by the servant and closer the door behind her.

So... Alicia it was?

Alicia....

Going out with her wasn't an overall bad experience, she was a fascinating little creature. I had never met a girl with so much energy and with such a cheerful attitude, female saints and trainees tended to be much darker in personality and absolutely unwilling to let their feelings be known. Alicia was a constant explosion of colour and emotion that dizzied me, she skipped all around me as she asked hundreds of questions that went from stupid inquiries to hidden truths and facts of life. The pleasure of seeing a girl's face shift from smile to pout and back into a smile was something I had never experienced, much less with me being the reason for all those smiles.

When we were finally ready she hopped down the stairs and grabbed my arm, pulling me out of the house and into the overpowering sunlight.

"So.. where are we going?" she asked, walking bouncily and purposefully ignoring the mud that she was spattering onto her white socks and legs.

"I'm trying to find someone, I'm not even sure if she still lives here but..." I fell silent with a sigh.

"Ah, of course... the servant with whom you had that torrid and phaedophilic affair." She murmured, nodding absently.

"WHAT?" I cried, jerking to a stop and turning to look at her in horrified silence. "Where on earth did you hear that idiocy."

"The cook told me, and the gardener - before we fired him- had a similar version. Isn't that why you were sent away?" I pressed my thumb to the bridge of my nose and let out a long sigh. Of course, why hadn't I even considered that such rumours might have arisen? Undoubtedly, since the truth of what had happened really was known to no one, everyone else must have had their own conjectures to try out. Did Anjli know...?

Anjli.

The name sounded vaguely familiar to my mind, and yet so alien. A name that came from an entirely different lifetime... Was she still here? She would have to be almost thirty by now... how much could she have changed in all these years? Was the distance between us even reconcileable? The last time I saw her was while I trained some pupils in another region and already then I could see how age had hardened and softened her both. But now I was different, was it possible to communicate this to her? Did it even serve a purpose?

For a moment I felt my resolve slipping and Alicia must have sensed it for she gave me a long searching look.

"So... it wasn't like that..." she whispered. I shook my head and motioned for her to start walking beside me again.

"Anjli was indeed a servant in the house, but there was no strange affair between us. She... thought of me as a little brother, but I never gave a damn about her.."

Or had I?

Looking back I could see how I would always make sure I could see her, how I had been almost addicted to her warming presence, even if it produced nothing in me.

"And then?" she pressed on.

"She felt hurt by my reactions to her and decided to stop working here... not long after mother..er..." I struggled to find a nice way to explain this last part to her, but found none. "Gave me away."

Alicia did not react as badly as I would have expected. She nodded and walked on beside me without loosing a single step. "If that was all, why is it so important to find this girl now? After all these years?"

"I can't really explain it to you... she was important to me, still is, because of what she represented back then. I let her down... the first of many people I would eventually disappoint."

Sylph....

"What will it change, seeing her or not?" she muttered, fingers twirling a lock of hair.

"I'm doing this more for my own benefit than for hers... but I want her to know that in the end all her efforts weren't in vain."

"Efforts?"

And we were back where we started. How could I explain something like my life to her? Alicia had been born and bred in lavish attention, loved and coddled rotten, that much was evident. How could I tell her that our mother had hated me with a passion, just like I had despised her, and that despite my smiles to her now... I had not smiled to anyone in years? There was a gap between us that I found unbridgeable, and suddenly painful.

"She wanted to teach me something, now I have to tell her that I understand what it was."

Alicia cocked her head to one side while looking at me and smiled, a strange and affectionate look crossed her eyes.

"I understand... I guess." I silently thanked her for not asking any more questions.

"And you? What do you do?" I asked, hoping it might lift the mood of conversation. She smiled brightly and blushed.

"I told you before... I go to this really fancy boarding school in California. I'm not sure of what I want to do in the future, but for now I'm just enjoying my life. California is great... the surfing beaches have such clear and warm water, and the sun shines so brightly. Sure, there's a very high crime-rate and all that, but the people are awfully friendly and Californians throw the best parties ever!" I listened to her animated chatter for the rest of the trip, smiling absently at how much joy and emotion could be but in so little, she was bursting with an inner fire that was nothing like I had seen in a warrior. She - contrary to all of us - loved to live and laugh, that was her power. By the time we had reached the centre of the village she was more or less done, slightly flushed because of the exertion she put into walking at my pace and telling me the whole story of her school life.

"So, this boy... Alain?" she nodded emphatically for me to go on. "... asked you out on a date, but then he went out with.. Jessica?" once again she nodded. "... and dumped you. But later on he declared he did it because..er..." I searched for the name in vain.

"Jack." Alicia put in for me.

"Ah yes, Jack... who told Alain that you were dating this other person..."

"Thomas, the one with the really comfy car."

"Yes, of course, Thomas... who was Jessica's boyfriend."

"Exactly! But you see, it was all a dirty rumour in the end! I was furious!" she growled, frowning deeply.

"I can see that."

"Why on earth would Jack do something so cruel?" she huffed, gritting her teeth. I stifled a laugh at the savage expression on her face.

"Because he likes you?"

"Eh?"

"Oh... forget it."

By then we had already reached our destination. The market place was exactly as I remembered it, colourful, crowded and cluttered. Women moved around the place like busy little ants, from store to store, from fish to fruit to saucepans and necklaces. Alicia blinked in confusion and tugged on my plain shirt.

"Why on earth are we at the marketplace? Does your friend have a job here?"

"I have no idea." Her eyes widened at my answer.

"But then...!"

"I just figured that this would be the biggest gossip-centre around the place. It might be the only way I have of finding Anjli... and if our story was made into that scandalous nonsense you told me, then we're bound to hear something about it here." I winked at my sister and ruffled her hair, wondering where I had picked up that attitude from.

The task itself proved to be less easy than I had expected; the amount of dark and strange little rumours surrounding Anjli and the "young master Will" were many, but just as I had winked out of existence Anjli seemed to have made a stunning disappearing act too. Perhaps that place where she had found me training my pupils was where she actually lived now? Alicia followed me diligently, smiling at the odd looks old women gave us when we questioned them. By midday it was pretty obvious that Anjli no longer lived here.

"What now?" Alicia whispered, sensing my unhappiness.

"We go home."

The long walk back was uncomfortably silent. I kicked myself for showing such a brooding aspect of myself to my sister when we had only just met, but I felt too disheartened to even try to feign happiness in front of her. From what I had been able to find out, Anjli had vanished shortly after I was handed to Sylph, for all I knew she might be anywhere, I had hoped she still lived here, in the end, what a fool I was!

"Will...?"

"It's Shaka." I cut back darkly, hating the way my general bad mood somehow made me lash out at her, who had done nothing to me.

"Ah, yes... Shaka. What would you think... I mean, would you like... that is, why don't we...go and have some icecream, just you and me?"

I stopped walking abruptly and faced her, pale and confused. "Why?"

"What do you mean why? Don't you think it might be fun?" she offered me a wan smile and I felt something twist inside of me.

"Why are you being nice to me if I'm being nasty to you?"

"Jeez... who knows, because you're my brother and I've waited for years until I finally met you? Who cares if you're in a bad mood, I'm going to make the best of this whether you like it or not." Such a simple logic, yet beneath all that I knew she was only trying to cheer me up. Despite my current hostility, she still wanted to know me more, I hadn't scared her off.

"You're strange."

"No, you are strange," she replied, stressing each word. "Just because you have a fit doesn't mean people will stop liking you, it's not like feelings were permanent. And we were doing so well earlier today!" She sighed and smiled at me coyly. "C'mon, one icecream, just one... please?"

I laughed out loud and nodded, grabbing her hand and smiling. "Okay."

In the end we didn't find an icecream store, so she settled for some coffee and a bit more on my "guru backgrounds", as she called them. We got back to the house when it was already dark; mother had gone to bed a while ago but she had made the servants leave us a small dinner in the kitchen. Alicia ate heartily as she explained to me that mother always went to be early and never took meals with other people.

"When do you see her then?" I asked, surprised at this little arrangement.

"Almost never, but sometimes she calls me up and lets me into her room and," Alicia's eyes lit up as she remembered. "... and she'll show me her jewels and her dresses while she tells me stories of when she was young and about her and....dad."

"You miss him?" Somehow, the image of my father didn't really come to mind, I saw him even less than mother, and cared just as much: nothing.

"No, not really. I just can't help wondering what things would have been like if he hadn't left.. you know... if mother would be happier." A soft sad note had entered her voice. "Probably not though." She sipped her juice thoughtfully and sighed.

"But you love mother, don't you?" I murmured, staring deep into her sky blue eyes.

"Well, she's my mother.. I guess it's kind of obligatory, no?" I smiled bitterly and nodded, watching in silence as she laughed and gave me a soft stare.

"You don't love her at all, do you?"

"Not really... I don't... think so. Perhaps a little bit." No one was more surprised by that answer than me. Why on earth didn't I just say I hated her? Because I did hate her, didn't I?

"I guess some things are better left at rest." I nodded and waited for her to finish her drink, smiling as she accidentally spilt a little on her skirt.

"Indeed."

I didn't see mother during the next few days, but Alicia was there to greet me everymoring and hardly let go of me until it was late at night and she was nodding off. The innocence and honesty she put into getting to know me were both touching and unnerving. No one had ever tried so hard to show me any affection... save perhaps for Sylph, but I had been too immersed in my own world to care or retribute my master's desperate efforts to light some spark of emotion in me. Poor Sylph, I wondered if he ever found happiness in the end.

Other than that, my days were spent trying to find Anjli until, on the fifth day, I realised it was useless and gave up. Alicia found me near the river where I used to watch Anjli wash my clothes.

"I'm sorry," she ventured, sitting down beside me on the damp dirt.

"You'll ruin that fancy dress of yours," I remarked acidly.
"Do you want me to leave you alone?" she snapped back angrily.

".... no."

We stayed like that for a long while, until I decided to speak up, realising that that was what she was waiting for. "Why do you even care about me?" I really sounded like a forlorn little brat, I chided myself for being so surprisingly immature.

"I don't know... I always wondered what my big brother would be like... I kinda hoped he would be like you. Strong, understanding and reliable. It's okay for you to loose your temper, everyone does... when you truly care about someone it doesn't matter if you fight from time to time, because deep down that love doesn't go away." Such wise words from such a little creature.

"But you barely know me well enough to say you love me." I whispered darkly.

"But I want to know you enough, so I can truly say I love you." She blushed a little then. "And hopefully, so you can say you love me too."

"Loving you can't be that hard, you're adorable!" she let out a little yelp and blushed even deeper at my compliment.

"Shaka..."

"I wish Anjli could hear me say this now." I sighed sadly.

"Perhaps someday you will tell her." Alicia smiled and squeezed my arm. "Until then, why don't you enjoy what little time we have together. You're leaving in a few days and I don't want to loose any time... at all!"

"Alicia..."

"Let me love you big brother, god knows, you look like no one's ever thought it possible."

I smiled and got up, dragging her to her feet and helping her try and dust off the grime that had stuck to her pretty little patterned dress. Maybe she was right, there was no point in grieving over what I had not been able to do, if there were still other things I could do with my sister. All in all, it was a wonderful trip.

But, I had planned on staying only a week, the fact that I stayed a few days more was due to Alicia's insistence. During this time I never saw mother again, though I know that when Alicia was not with me it meant she was spending some time with her. It was a strange and coldly peaceful lifestyle, a dance of silent and heartfelt illusions that existed only in their minds. Alicia lived in a present that our mother wouldn't never understand, while she in turn lived in a past she could never cope with. And I... I was another fragment of my mother's unfinished dreams. It was startling to find out that she had sent her daughter to school in USA and no to England; perhaps she had wanted Alicia to have a chance at a life built on more than mere desires.

I never spoke of this with my sister, aware of how innocent and lost she was here at out mother's estate; India was not her world or her place, as it had never been mother's. Was it even mine? These thoughts would haunt me well into the night, as I listened to my sister chattering away. Her's was a life of joy and peace I would never know, and it was better for her not to know mine.

The day I would leave crept up with surprising speed, from one moment to another I found myself with a sobbing Alicia who was begging me to stay a little longer.

"But I really can't!" I replied desperately, unable to figure out what to do with a crying girl, much less a crying sister. Females saints were much easier to manage in the end.

"Please! J-just a few m-more days!" she hicoughed and refused to let go of my robes.

"Alicia...."

"Please!"

"I...I can't, I'm sorry. But I promise to come and see you again as soon as I can... and I'll write." I added, realising our schedules might not be entirely compatible. Could I visit her in California? She lifted her teary face up and gave me a hopefull look.

"You will?" the whispered.

"I promise." She hugged me viciously and let go all of a sudden.

"Fine then, I won't cry if you promise to visit me sometime..."

"... and write." I reminded her gently.

"Of couse, and write." She smiled impishly and giggled.

I found myself pulling her back into a hug. I didn't really know why I did it, but it felt right so I just followed the instinct. Holding her there, feeling her little heartbeat... it was wonderful. For the first time since I could remember I felt that there was someone beside me. For the first time in my life, I realised I had always felt alone.

Unexpectedly, mother came down from her room to bid me goodbye. She extended her hand which I took and kissed. "Take care of yourself mother." I whispered, feeling a tightness in my chest and a need to cry I could not explain. I knew there was absolutely no way we would ever fix the situation between us, and I found myself grieving for it all the more. I blinked back the tears that threatened to appear and nodded to her one last time.

"Come back sometime," she added distantly. I bowed my head and turned my back on her, meaning to say goodbye to Alicia one last time. But...

"One moment Will." I stopped short and turned to regard her curiously.

"Yes... mother?" the title was still strange to my tongue.

She extended a sealed letter to me which I took, confused by this sudden development. "There's someone I need you deliver that to, near the outskirts of the village."

"Who?"

"An attendant of mine who is sick." She shrugged and walked past me and back up the stairs into her room. I stared at the letter numbly and put it in my pocket, seeing Alicia's unhappy glare from across the room.

It took some effort to get her to let go of me, but when I had finally pried her off myself it was later than I had expected. I didn't really want to part with her, but I was afraid that if I stayed any longer I might end up staying forever, and she had to go back to school whereas I... I just walked away from the house steeling myself so I would not indulge into looking back, I was certain Alicia would be staring out the window until I was out of sight. I sighed and took out the letter from my pocket. The address on it was more like a group of directions for the deliverer to follow. I shook my head at my mother's odd ways and followed the instructions, which led me to a small shack on the outskirts of the lower village, on the opposite side of where I had teleported to in the first place. I stopped and stared at the little house silently, fingering the letter sligthly before making my way up to the door.

There was someting not right here...

"May I help you?" I turned around and - to my surprise- found myself face to face with the woman that had received me on the first day, when I entered the gates of my mother's house. What was she doing here?

"I came to deliver this..." I extended the letter to her.

"Ah yes, this is for me." She smiled openly.

"But... weren't you supposed to be sick?" I asked, confusedly.

"Pah, I'll catch a cold every now and then, so what?" she shrugged carelessly and then twitched her eyebrows thoughtfully. "Now help me with this, will you?" She gestured towards a pile of pots and pans she was carrying. I took some from her arms and followed her inside, too mixed up by this seemingly senseless encounter.

"Excuse me," I ventured, "I don't really unders...."

An angry voice could be heard from inside the house and the woman laughed as she motioned for me to pass. From another room, a tight growl could be heard.

"Now this has to be the most insensitive thing you've ever done mother! I thought you were dying of some unknown disease! I had to travel all day and all night just to find that you were in perfectly good health!" I stared down at the woman questiningly.

She grinned and mouthed "my daughter" in a conspiratorial way. I blinked twice and was about to say something when the voice of the daughter drew closer.

"I heard you come in! Don't you dare ignore me! I'll never listen to you again in my entire life! Not even if someone tells me you're dying of aids and you're cooped up in the worst little sh...." she strode through the door and came to a sudden halt as she saw me. I felt my grip on the saucepans I carried waver slightly as the blood drained from my face.

"An...jli...?" I murmured, feeling the world tip slightly out of axis at finding her here. The attendant smiled again, nodding oddly as she crumpled the letter my mother had sent her and took the load off my arms. She bowed to us both while we stared at her in mute shock and then she left. I turned back to stare at Anjli and shifted uncomfortably on my feet.

She, however, did not seem so much as shocked as she was unhappy. "Oh dear... I'm sorry my mother mixed you up in this, this matchmaker fad of hers has gone too far." There was an acid note in her voice and a darkness in her eyes I found repelling.

"Matchmaker?" I queried softly.

"Yes, to marry me off again." A painful sigh escaped her. "Anyway, I expect you have things to do so..." the motioned towards the door with one hand.

I stared at her, torn by the sudden urge to flee and never come back. I forced myself not to move or show any displeasure as I sized her up. She had grown little since the last time I saw her, but un indefineable change had gone through her which had twisted the light in her eyes into a murky glower. She was thinner than she should be, though he hair was just as shiny and still held in that tight ropelike plait I remembered from my childhood. She gave me an expectant look and tapped her foot impatiently.

"Oh come on! You of all people have nothing to do here. I'm not in the mood for the philosphy of human emtionality or your talks on the higher plane, which I'm sure impress your followers just fine," I winced at her angry tone. "Spare me the pity and leave... please."

I shook my head in bewilderment and bit my lip. Lifting my gaze up to hers I found an unwelcome hardness in her eyes that frightened me. A deep and hollow pain settled in my chest, making my breath seem strained to my own ears. Could this miserable creature be the Anjli I had so wanted to meet again?

Impossible...

It couldn't be, this was nothing like I had planned. This was not Anjli, not my Anjli!

I smiled sadly and shivered.

"What's to smile at?" her voice pierced my thoughts.

I let out a short bitter laugh and sighed before looking into her eyes and answering. "I was sure that when I met you I would have a thousand different things to say, I had planned out this -rather stupid- conversation in my mind, where I told you all the things I wanted to tell you. But now that I'm here, I don't really know what to say."

She seemed taken aback by this, or by the way I said it? Perhaps by the fact that I said it at all...? She dropped the angry stance and blinked in confusion.

"Are you really... Will?" she frowned deeply.

"Yes Anjli, it's me. Though I prefer to be called Shaka." I smiled weakly and took a step closer to her. "It's been a long time."

She nodded numbly and looked away. "It has," she whispered at last.

"I... didn't really expect to find you here anyway, my mother...." oh dear my mother had planned this? I felt myself go even paler at that realisation. Why!?

"Same here I guess," she muttered, still not looking at me.

"Anjli...look at me, I'm here to see you." She shuddered and lifted her face to glare at me.

"And I suppose you're disappointed?"

"Confused is more like it."

She rolled her eyes and hugged herself. "Welcome to the human world."

"You're not at all like I remembered you..." I tried to get her to relax a bit, talk to me...

"I could say the same thing."

"I've learned a lot. Much of that I owe to you." She gave me a startled look and I could have sworn there was something close to tears in her eyes.

"Don't be ridiculous..."

"Anjli..." I moved forward to take her hand but she moved away.

"Please don't... " she bit her lip when she saw my wounded look. "It's not about you, I'm just tired of being pitied from all over, that's all."

"What..." I paused, unsure of whether it was a good idea to ask this but I decided to do it anyway. "... what happened?" She made a soft hurt little sound and leaned against a wall.

"Everything. Life.... I don't know." Her tone clearly stated this was not an easy subject.

"Is it about your mother trying to marry you off?"

"...again." I lifted an eyebrow.

"Again?"

Anjli recoiled from me and let out a low growl. "Yes, again! Okay? I was married but my husband died two years ago and my mother thinks it's a good idea for me to try again and I don't give a damn about her stupid senseless-" I cut her off by hugging her abruptly, which I wasn't sure why I was doing save for the impulse that told me it might be the right thing to do. She fought back at first but she gave up faster than I expected and slumped against me. "I'm sorry I ruined your expectations...."
"Well, I'm rather certain I ruined everyone elses anyway so..." she looked up at me, teary-eyed and torn by regret, and smiled.

"But you changed." It was - for a moment- the Anjli of old.

"We all change," I found it hard to talk all of a sudden and my eyes stung. We all change? Like Milo had changed for better once, or like Saga had changed for worse? Everyone had changed around me countless times while I had sat frozen in time. Everything and everyone was different, even Anjli was no longer the Anjli I had wanted to meet. I did not feet disappointed in her, but in myself. Perhaps if I had let the world change me I would not be here, feeling so....alone.

"Yes..." her voice trailed off as she didn't really know how to continue to phrase.

I hugged her tigher and leaned my cheek on her head, realising for the first time how small she was, how frail, while I had made her into a giant of steel in my mind. I had forgotten that in the end she was like me... human. That life could hit her hard and kill her, kill that wonderful fire inside of her heart that made her so unique among the rest.

"I'm glad I got to see you before I left," I whispered to her gently. She stiffened and moved out of my grasp, eyes searching in mine.

"You're leaving?"

"I've been here too long, I never found you... till now."

"Oh...Will..." she faltered and moved her arms helplessly. "I guess....it's better this way."

"I still have so much I want to tell you... but I know better than to try and fix a lifetime of mistakes in a few hours," she wiped her eyes and grew pensive at this.

"Will you come again, to visit, I mean?" there was a hopeful tone in her sentence that surprised me, after the strange turn this conversation had taken.

"Would you like me to?" the questioned left us both thoughtfull. I smiled thinly and touched her shoulder softly. "You know what? Give me your address, I'll write to you in a few weeks or so, and then you can decided if you'd like us to get together again."

She looked up at me, eyes brimming over with tears, and she hugged me again. Her thin arms squeezed my waist viciously as she sobbed brokenly into my shoulder, fingers clutching at my robes almost desperately. I held her carefully and stroked her hair, that wonderful braid I still recalled from our past.

It was late afternoon by the time I left her, with her address tucked carefully in a pocket, where I woulnd't loose it. As much as I wanted to get back and sleep through the rest of this day in my temple I had one last house visit to perform. Summoning up my power I teleported into my mother's room so as to avoid Alicia.

She was waiting up for me.

"How did you know it was her I was looking for?" It was all I could think of asking. She lifted her eyes from the book she had been reading.

"As much as we both deny it, you're my son, and that was a very predictable move," she remarked coldly, placing a bookmark in the thick tome. Her pale blue eyes glittered softly in the dark.

"But...why?"

"Why did I arrange for her to come? I don't know... you tell me." She shrugged and ran her fingers through her graying blonde hair.

"You knew the truth and you thought it would make me adequately unhappy?" I ground out lowly.

"Now, even you don't believe that! I don't know what you're talking about, and I guess I never will. It's probably better this way." She tapped her fingers over the book's cover and leaned back into her seat.

"I don't understand..."

"And I don't expect you to," she punctuated clearly. "Look, William, you're my son, whether we like it or not. I figured I owed you a little help, since I never gave a damn about you before." Plain and simple, she could be no other way.

"And now you care a bit more?" I mumbled incredulously.

"I can't be sure about that, the best I can do is tell you I regret...." she took I a deep breath, "... most of what I did in the past."

My mouth twitched into a minute smile. "I guess that ought to be enough."

"I sure hope so, now if you'll excuse me, I was trying to finish this book." No she wasn't, I could see that now. By the looks of it she had been sitting here waiting for me to show up for the past few hours, but the looks of it, she was trying hard to send me off so I wouldn't see her crying. Regret... from her?

It was the most unexpected gift anyone could have given me, and also the best.

Change was perhaps not so bad, I couldn't be sure as this was certainly the first time I tried it out. Life handed us all a strange set of cards, Milo would probably say something like "poker faces generally win" to this comment, but I wasn't so sure about that now. I had come here in search of my past, or a link to a future I never claimed. I found things I didn't expect, and pains and joys I didn't truly understand...yet.

Though maybe such things were not meant to be understood but felt.

Alicia had shown me the joy of being the child that I never was, Anjli was the pain I had refused to acknowledge for years, and my mother....I smiled sadly as I thought of her, feeling the tears on my cheeks as the warm Greek wind touched my face; she had been the greatest lesson off all. That love and hate could never be truly separated, that we could realise that we made mistakes, and though we didn't always have the chance to take them back, we could always build upon them a better future.

To reconcile.

The memory of Anjli's arms around me did not leave, nor did Alicia's bright smile erase itself from the darkness behind my closed eyelids, where it was burned. But my mother's coldness had faded from my mind somewhat, and such short time.

Could changes really take place in mere hours?

I really knew nothing of being human, which was what I had gone to India for in the first place. But maybe I had learned something else. I didn't know what it was to be human, no one did, that was the beauty of searching for he knowledge, but I least I had learned what it was to be humane.

Perhaps there was hope for me after all, and for all of us. At least that was what I thought when Anjli wrote back.

End of Interlude one: "Human or Humane"

Tune-to-Toffz: Yes, this is probably the chapter I took longest to post. *sigh* it was oddly hard to write! At least from now on I can pick up the rhythm again! So...dedicated to Romain! (Who I'm sure never visits my page so he'll never know this chapter's to his honour, but I don't really mind cause I'm so glad to have heard from him at last! #^____^#) And...about that quote...? I'm NOT saying Shaka is anything close to an equine so don't ask!