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Anything and Nothing

This part of my page is going to be reserved for random thoughts, prayers, praises, complaints...anything and nothing, and perhaps everything. Hmm...I still haven't learned how to space the lines the way I want them to, instead of having this uniform double spacing throughout, hehe...so I'll continually be improving this page, like the rest of this ghetto webpage!

May 24, 2001

The following is by Pearl Wang, aspiring poet, painter, singer, all-around Renaissance Woman... A Letter Washed Ashore

Dear you

I'm standing here by the edge of the world

now ankle-deep

now waist-deep

now knee-deep

in the dark

ebbing

tide.

I wish you would come stand next to me

so that we could both look out into the watery depths.

Each foam-dappled blanket of water spilling to meet us,

each pounding wave

like the pounding of my heart when

you sat next to me,

watching me sketch lamplight

and all I could think of was your warm shoulder against my bare arm

and the roar of waves in my ear.

It seems as if

a few more steps into the dusk

would bring us beyond the chill white waves

to a frightening place where world ends and sky begins:

Water pouring over the edge, drowning among the stars;

We could fall off the flat earth.

On reflection, though, I am safe;

Appearances can be deceiving:

The world is round, not flat, and

underneath the lamplight on my face, no one except I

can hear the tell-tale crashing of my saltwater heart.

If we were to walk towards the world's end

there would be no heart-pounding drop,

only roaring waves and an endless stretch of utter ocean-

it would swallow us like death

like sorrow

like love

a fate almost as fearsome as falling through the stars.

let's walk together, you and I.

May 4, 2001

I wrote a new song recently...it was dedicated to my dear friends James and Jon, who were going through some rough times for a while...at first, the point of view in the lyrics was my own, but the more I thought about it, I began to realize how much more heartbroken God must be when He sees me struggling and trying to get through life's hardships on my own... Fallen Star

I see you there all alone in the darkness

A shipwrecked star stranded out at sea

You don't know where to go

Or who to turn to

All hope seems out of reach

I know it must be hard out there in the darkness

Where all day long all you see is night

But try to hang on even though you feel like falling

Don't think that hope is out of sight

Cuz if you only knew how much it hurts to see you hurting

Then you'd know that you were never really all alone

But you're a solitary storm and miles away

And I don't know if you can hear me calling you back home

I know right now you must be feeling kinda empty

You don't know how or where to find the heart

The light of hope that once burned bright

Has somehow left you

A shaken, fallen star

But if you only knew how much it hurts to see you hurting

Then you'd know that you were never really all alone

But you're a solitary storm and miles away

And I don't know if you can hear me calling you back home

Oh, please,

Can't you see

You don't have to stay here anymore

But how can I

Help you wipe your tears when you

Won't see how I'm standing here

Waiting for you

To open the door?

Oh please,

Won't you see,

that I've always been here by your side

to give you the strength to carry on; when you

feel like all your strength is gone

I'll be here to lift you up

Oh please,

Don't give up

Oh, please,

Don't lose hope

Cuz if you only knew how much it hurts to see you hurting

Then you'd know that you were never really all alone

Oh, my precious child, I love you, I want you to know

I'm just a prayer away and I'm here calling you back home

You know I'll always be right here,

Calling you back home.

I thought this excerpt from a letter my dear friend Haniee wrote me was so wise and true...and I just wanted to share it with you...I think her thoughts were on the same wavelength as mine (see the previous update below this one), which probably means there is some truth to them, right?

Stepping back from my self-centered thoughts about school, etc., I'm amazd at His [God] subtly leading me into different stages of my life which will prepare me for whatever He has in store for me next. RIght now, I believe I'm called to humble myself- not just in word- but oh-so-completely...It's funny how God takes my vision of what's the worst and makes me go though it to show me that no matter what I think I'm capable of, I'd be nowhere without Him. I guess for now, I've just got to learn what this humility stuff is all about.

April 25, 2001

Life seems to throw all kinds of fastballs at me. On the one hand, I thought being away from home had made me really grow and mature in so many ways, and become more grounded in the values and goals that had been instilled in me from an early age. But as I continue on this walk through life, I find that I really know nothing. Especially this first year of college, with so many changes and challenges, I find myself more confused than ever. Lately, I've been feeling serious doubts about the direction in which I'm headed. I have so many weakness that cause me to stumble and fall, over and over and over again. It's frustrating!

I know, you're probably wondering why I'm just babbling. Get to the point, right? Well, I guess I just came to the conclusion lately that, just when I think I have it all together, when I finally have life all figured out, that's when it turns around and kinda slaps me in the face, as if to say, "Stop being so arrogant, little girly. You still have a hecka long way to go, so before you get all full of air, maybe it's time you humbled yourself." And off I go running back to God, broken, as helpless and hopeless and ever.

March 17, 2001

Parents are too funny! I just came home from celebrating my dad's bday with my family...on the way home, I was playing the role of the attention-hungry youngest child, so I was trying to entertain them with corny jokes. Notice...TRYING.

I told them that joke everyone knows, you know, the one that goes, "What kind of bees make milk?" After a long dramatic pause, I cried, "BOOBIES!" and started bursting out laughing. My sister was cracking up with me. But then I noticed that my mom, dad, and grandmother were just sitting in confused silence. They kinda laughed politely, but I could tell they were totally lost.

After a long silence, my mom finally goes, "What's boobies? I don't get it." My grandmother's like, "I don't either." So my sis asks my dad, "Ah-ppa, you were in the US army, you know what boobies are, right?"

My dad replies, "Well, I know booby trap. You put bomb in ground and cover with leaves, and when somebody comes, they blow up and die-"

"No no no!" My unni interrupted. "The OTHER boobies! You were in the army and you don't know what it means?"

"Uh, well...There was once a dog in Korea who was named Booby..."

"Oh, Lordy."

Hahaha! I was just laughing at the whole situation so much I started tearing up. Even funnier than the joke itself!

March 5, 2001

My dear friend Elisa and I were up late Friday night just talking and talking, as girls love to talk. I love my girl friends. As much as I love guys, there is nothing like a girl friend to truly empathize with you and know what you're going through, to listen to you and give you advice.

There's something about talking late late at night- people tend to just spill out their guts! (Never ever talk to someone you don't trust with your deepest secrets late at night. I had to learn from one too many mistakes.)

Anyway, Elisa and I started talking about everything from the weather, to our very different high school experiences (she went to a small conservative, Adventist boarding school, I went to a big, liberal, public school) to religion, to life and death, to the purpose of life...and the more we talked, the more deeper we got in our discussion.

We came to a couple conclusions that I think are important for me to remember:

1)Life is meaningless without a spiritual purpose. What is the point of all that hard work studying in school? For the degree and education? Well, for our own knowledge and the advancement of humanity, of course, but mostly for a job to give us financial stability. Why do we need financial stability? Because we need money to have the little pleasures in life that make us happy. But do any of these things last? I forget who it was who said that we are all like vapor- we vanish when we die. Kinda depressing to think about it that way...BUT. If there is something more to it, something like heaven to look forward to, something like happiness without the mundane, daily grind of this world, things start to fall into place. We have something to work towards, that goal towards which we must persevere- an eternity with God.

2) In the end, all we have is character. It's so easy, especially in our youth, to become so excited over materialistic things...I'm planning on getting a car this summer, and my friends and I can talk forever about which car to get, which one's better looking, which has a better enging, yadda yadda yadda. It's so easy to focus also on physique. Guys want to work out to look good, girls work out to look good. Why? To impress other people. I confess. I obsess in front of the mirror a lot, too. And I'm not saying that looking nice isn't a good thing- I think it's our duty, in fact, to take care of our bodies and our physical health, just as it is important to maintain mental, emotional and physical health. I'm just saying that outward beauty is nothing compared to one's character. Integrity, honesty, kindness, humility, patience, unconditional love for others...these are all traits that I admire most in a person, and what I wish to strive for the rest of my life.

3) East coast rocks! Hehe...shoooo...we're so sick of flat Michigan with all these all-too-familiar cow smells! We wanna go home for Spring Break!

February 19, 2001

This is a song that I started to write way back in April that I was working on a little today...it's pretty self-explanatory, but still not finished completely, because I'm still trying to think of the right words...

Impossible Love

Lord, I must confess I felt so alone

caught up in a world that was

endlessly spinning

Round and round

When all I had to do

was reach out for your touch

Grab onto your grace

take the hand of forgiveness

But Lord, why do you always

take me back

even when I've fallen so

far?

When I thought I'd hit the bottom

You pulled me back up

When I thought the well was empty

Your mercy overflowed

You are the God of the Impossible

Impossible love.

This is a song I wrote one day back in September. I was sitting in a practice room of Hamel Hall, and I got tired of practicing cello, so I decided to rest my arm on the piano, and just gaze out the window...

The day was beautiful-right outside the second story window, I could see a squirrel scurrying through the branches of a maple tree, and through the vibrant green leaves, rays of sunlight and patches of baby blue sky smiled straight into my face. And below, I could see students walking to and from classes, with their backbacks slung easily over one shoulder...some looking down, some with noses buried in books, some stopping to talk to each another.

And I thought, wow, here I am, at Andrews University, and college is everything I imagined it would be. I'm so lucky to be sitting here at school, with so many possibilites and so much sun shining into my life right now. Praise God!

Of course, since that Indian summer day, I've gone through a whole lot...gray skies replaced the blue, frost replaced the leaves, and there has been many days when my own heart reflected the gloomy weather outside. But then I would remind myself that the God who is looking out for me is one Awesome God! No matter what, God is good. No matter how bleak the outlook may be sometimes, just being alive and well and the child of God is such a privilege and joy. I can't help but thank God over and over again!..

Some day I will try and see if I can record this song through a mic and then you can hear the melody also, but for now, these are just some of the simple utterings of my heart...

Song of Praise

Lord you are God over all the Earth

and Creator of all the universe

Ruler of the sea

Master of the mountains

I just want to praise You for who You are

Praise You for doing all that you do

I just want to give to you all my life today

So you can be the God of all of me too.

Lord I'm so awed by Your holy presence

And I wonder how you could love me so much

The King of the whole world

Yet you still call me your precious child

I just want to praise you for who you are

Thank you for sending your only son

I just want to give to you all my life today

So You can be the God of all of me too.

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