I have done some pretty dumb things in my day, and I'm not proud of them. I have attempted suicide on many different occassions. I have used self-mutilation as a coping mechanism, and have permanent visible scars from it. I have been hospitalized many times for depression and suicidal tendencies. I have even had ECT (electro-shock therapy) in hopes that it would break my cyclical mood swings.
The last time I cut myself was Sunday, November 9, 1997. Some dear friends let me know in ways beyond comprehension that they really do care about me, and would be heartbroken if I ever succeeded in my suicide attempts. What they were saying was really difficult for me, as I had believed that I was al alone in this world - that everyone was out to get me. In fact, I had so much trouble accepting their help, that I made one more attempt on my life that night. I overdosed on some pills, and while I was drifting in and out of consciousness, I made my very last cut -- but it was a very deep one.
I regretted it the instant I did it, but you can't undo the past. I believed that there was a God, but I didn't really know Him. In those few crucial moments, I called out and begged Him to forgive me and to help me. As soon as I finished praying, I was sicker than I had ever been in my whole life. That got most of the pills out of my system. Somehow, I managed to stop the bleeding from my arms as well. Is there indeed a God? I believe there is ... I think I would be dead now if there wasn't.
I won't lie and say my life has been peachy ever since, and that I've never entertained the thought of suicide again. I think about it more often than I care to admit. The difference between then and now is that I no longer act on those urges. I've found other ways to deal with my problems, and have realized that there are people out there who want to help me.
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