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Homeboy Hiphop
“Turkey in the Icebox”

Tygah- The main homeboy.
Jazzy Jet (JJ)- Owner of the Hiphop Hangout. And one bangin’ cook.
Poker Alice- Wanted by the law, but by no one else.
Radical Edward- One shizzle of a hacker, not much of anything else.
Prowl Kitty-Kitty- One S-M-R-T aminal, yo.

****

(Shot of Homeboy Hangout. Jazzy Jet narrates.)

Jazzy Jet: Homeboy update, 0968. I’m broke, so I went to Poker Alice for some money. Worst idea I had in a while.

(Shot of disguisting blob.)

LESSON 1

(The living room. JJ and Poker Alice face across from each other. JJ is missing most of his clothes, and Poker Alice is looking dangerous with her dice.)

JJ: Come on, girl, I know you cheatin’.

Poker Alice: (Gasp) How dare you insult mah honor code?! I would neva cheat a friend.

JJ: Oh, so now I’m yo friend. Just roll the dice.

(She rolls. JJ sees the results and bangs his forehead on the table.)

Poker Alice: I win again, dawg.

(Enter Tygah with old, moldy mashed potatoes.)

Tygah: I told you not to gamble wit her, man. (Bites into mashed potatoes.) Uegh! Rancid!

JJ: They from Thanksgiving, dawg. They old.

(In the laundry room, another shot of the digusting blob. Radical Edward looks up from the cat litter.)

(Elsewhere, JJ enters the garage.)

JJ: I guess I shoulda got a job. Now all I got’s a house full of losahs. (He notices the fridge.) Yuck, Thanksgiving leftovers. Rank. (He heads towards it, but trips over an icebox.)

(Living room. Poker Alice counts her winnings.)

Poker Alice: Survival of da fittest, yo, survival of the fittest.

LESSON 2

(Tygah and Poker Alice sit in the living room.)

Tygah: You such a cheatah, Poker Alice. Give JJ back his clothes.

Poker Alice: Make me.

(JJ stumbles in.)

JJ: Guys, somptin bit me, yo! (Show disguisting mark on neck) You gotta gimme some Asprin!

Tygah: We out, but…

(Change scene)

(JJ is sprawled on the floor with his tounge lolling out of his mouth.)

Tygah: That sucked. (Drinks soda.)

Poker Alice: Smooth move, Doctah.

Tygah: Don’ make me james you, woman!

Poker Alice: Maybe he has AIDS.

Tygah: Or Herpes.

Poker Alice: Or sypholis.

Prowl Kitty-Kitty: MMMMEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Radical Edward pops up.)

Radical Edward: Maybe it’s a ghost, yo!!!!!

Poker Alice: Or a horrible monster.

Radical Edward: What do you think, Prowl Kitty-Kitty?! Is it a horrible monster?

Prowl Kitty-Kitty: MMMMMMEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Poker Alice: Whatevs. I’m outtie.

(She leaves and goes to the bathroom. As she washes her hands, something drops from the ceiling.)

(Tygah, Prowl Kitty-Kitty, and Radical Edward are in the living room.)

Tygah: Aiight, Radical Edward, move around a whizzle. I’ma test out mah new infro-red glasses.

Prowl Kitty-Kitty: MMMMMMEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

(Prowl Kitty-Kitty runs off-screen.)

Radical Edward: Hold up, Prowl Kitty-Kitty!

(She runs after him.)

Tygah: Stupid woman!! Get back here!

(Poker Alice stumbles in.)

Poker Alice: Tygah, I… Wanted to appologize… For cheatin’ JJ… Out of everything… Including his dead bonsai…

Tygah: Like hell! What are you tryin’ to pull?

Poker Alice: You ba—

(She collapses. There is a purple mark on her leg.)

Tygah: That sucked. (Drinks soda.) I bettah go check on Radical Edward and Prowl Kitty-Kitty.

(He heads upstairs. Radical Edward is curled up on her side on the platform above the stairs.)

Tygah: That sucks. (Drinks soda.) Where’s Prowl Kitty-Kitty?

(He proceeds into the guest room, where Prowl Kitty-Kitty is unconscious on the bed. Tygah shakes him, he is unresponsive. He does, however, discover a purple spot.)

Tygah: That sucks. (Drinks soda.) Ok, now I know fo’ sho’ that this ain’t no STD. I mean, Prowl Kitty-Kitty and Radical Edward were close, but not THAT close. This gotta be a monstah.

LESSON 3

(Cue Eminem’s “Lose Yourself”)

(We see Tygah arming himself with a watergun and a lighter stick. He also is carrying one unopened bottle of soda and one almost-empty bottle of soda. A plastic baggy of dry ice sticks out of his pocket.)

Tygah: Okay, monstah, let’s bring it.

(Tygah narrates.)

Tygah: Then I remembered JJ sayin’ somethin’ ‘bout old thanksgiving stuff. So I headed to the garage to see about the fridge, but I only made it to the porch. The monster must have been on the move.

(We see a revolting old purple turkey.)

Tygah: There’s the sucka!

(Shot of turkey. Then back to Tygah.)

Tygah: It’s moving!

(Turkey is now in a different spot.)

Tygah: It’s comin’ this way! I gotta scram!

(He drops the dry ice into a bucket of water and uses the smoke as a concealment for his getaway.)

Tygah: Phew, that was a close one, yo. I need some re-fresh-MENT! (He tries to drink soda, but there’s none left.) NOOOO!! Well, now I gotta go back!

(He dashes back out to the porch, quickly grabbing the elusive soda before taking a dive at the turkey. After a struggle, he manages to contain it in a styrofoam icebox. After shouting out his victory, he proceeds to throw it off the deck. However, a purple mark on his wrist makes itself known and he passes out, just managing to tip the icebox over the rail.)

Tygah: Take that, you stupid bi— (Loses consciousness.)

(Upstairs, Radical Edward turns over in her sleep.)

Radical Edward: So hungry, yo…

(The disgusting blob approaches. Radical Edward reaches out in her sleep and grabs it.)

Radical Edward: Mmmmm, puddin' like momma used to make….

(She eats it.)

(Shot of Homeboy Hangout.)

(Tygah voicing over.)

Tygah: So what’s the real lesson here? Don’t leave things in the fridge, yo!

(Cue The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony”)

(Shots of all unconscious people/animals.)

(Cut to black. Letters on bottom right corner.)

“Later Homie G”

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Jessie Balick, December 18, 2002