Mutual Obsession
Part Four: Duo
I smelled like grease and sweat. It happens, though, when you work in a
car garage, and I can't say I dislike it. It was nice, being around
these people, people who appreciated me, who liked me. And even though
we weren't as close as I thought the other pilots and me could have
been, we were close. And it was fun, taking apart and reassembling
cars. It was a nice life…I guess.
"Hey, Jimmy, pass me the monkey wrench." Like now, I got to work on
this vintage Porsche. They haven't made these since AC 145, and they
were rare as hell to see around nowadays, especially on a run down
colony like L2. Something slammed into my open palm and I was about to
pull away the metal stick, when I realized Jimmy wasn't letting go. I
looked up, exasperated, and froze when I saw whose hand was connected
to mine. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. "Heero?"
He didn't say anything, just stood there, and I wondered if I was
supposed to start the conversation when he had been the one to search
for me. And he was just looking at me, with that generic glare he gives
every one, blue eyes narrowed in… well, in whatever emotion he was
feeling. I looked at him, and every time he had ever told me to shut
up, or to be quiet, every time he had dismissed me, every time he
pretended like I wasn't even there, it all came back to me, and I
remembered why I had left in the first place. I wasn't mad, I wasn't
hurt, I was just…tired. I was just tired of everything. I didn't need
them treating me like a second-class citizen.
I didn't know why the hell he was here.
I pulled the wrench from his grasp and went back to working on the car.
I know I wasn't smiling any more, but suddenly, I just didn't have the
energy. And he was just standing there. The wrenched dropped from my
hand, falling into the bowels of the car's engine. I clenched my eyes
shut, gathering myself, then opened them to look up at him again.
"What." I sounded resigned, I know it, but I just wanted him to leave.
"What do you want, Heero."
He flinches, just a little, and I wonder why. "I just… I wanted to talk
to you."
"So talk." I leaned against the car, crossing my arms, just waiting for
him to say whatever the hell he had to say so I could go on with my
life.
"I want you to come back."
I looked at him, and I don't even know what my expression was at the
moment, because I didn't feel anything. Not shocked, not happy, not
outraged, just…weary. "Sorry, Heero, I'm not cut out for solitary
confinement."
And with that statement I made my way into the office. I had paperwork
to do; the Porsche could wait until Heero Yuy was gone.
I know what the other pilots had done. They had secluded me from their
lives, whether it was intentional or not, and I didn't see a point in
living with people who chose to ignore my existence more often than
not. I know what I meant to them, that much was almost painfully
obvious, and I'd be lying to say it didn't hurt. Because it did,
especially when they all got along so well with the others. And for
some reason, it hurt just a little more when it was Heero. Maybe it was
because I thought we had a tentative friendship, maybe it was because I
thought I was helping him when it was obvious I wasn't, I don't know.
At any rate, I'm made of stronger stuff than that, and if there were
people out there that would rather not be around me, so be it. I don't
need them.
No matter how much I want to.
My childhood held fleeting moments of security, few and far between.
What I remember the most was hunger, fear, thirst, hate… I think,
maybe, I just wanted my own piece of security, maybe with people who
might have understood where I was coming from.
And I thought… Heero… I don't know what I thought about Heero. Heero
had been the strength during the war, he had been salvation. But to me…
he was just another boy. His flaws were as obvious to me as my own, and
I thought we might have been similar. He seemed so lost. I thought if I
helped him find himself, he would return the favor.
But I'm not sure what I think any more.
I looked at the papers beneath my hand, realizing it that it had been
an hour and I hadn't done anything. I had a private office, just a tiny
room that could have been the broom closet at one point, but it was
mine. And at least there weren't any people around to ask me if I was
okay, because I know I didn't really look like I was.
Suddenly, a shuffling sound at the door caught my attention, and I
walked around the desk to see what it was. A folded note was being
pushed under the door, and I sat against it as I picked the thing up.
Opening it, I caught sight of small, precise handwriting. Heero's.
Then come live with me.
I laugh, and I realize it comes out like a hiccup. Bitter and
unbelieving. I already had a pencil gripped in my hand, and scribbled a
note beneath his before sliding it back.
Why can't you just leave me alone?
I was fine with leaving them, I was okay with the fact that I would
never be a part of their lives. But I didn't need them to come remind
me of it out of a sense of obligation or duty. Then the note slid back
under the door, and I gripped the thin white sliver in between my
fingers.
I'd miss you.
And there it was. The declaration. I didn't know if it merited
laughter, or tears, but I decided it was enough to get me to open the
door.
"I thought you didn't like me."
He stood up from where he was almost comically crouched on the floor,
staring at me with a confused expression on his face, and I wondered if
he realized he had been part of why I had left. "How could I not like
you?"
I was so confused. I shook my head, remembering everything that had
happened the days before I had left, everything that had ended up
pushing me away. I remembered Wufei's open disdain, Trowa's
indifference, Quatre's unconscious attitude. And I remembered Heero,
happy, looking like he had never been lost before in his life. I came
up with my answer for him, a simple statement I wasn't sure if he would
understand. "I never made you laugh."
I closed the door on him then, placing a box full of papers behind the
door so he couldn't slip any more notes in. I figured he would get the
message and just go.
When I came out of my office that night, there was a note tacked to the
front of my door. It was a simple message, just one sentence.
I'll be at the house if you ever change your mind.
My mind supplied me with a picture of Heero, walking off and looking
for all the world like a dejected puppy.
I really needed to think.