Heero's Mirror
People dream of angels. They glide on the auspicious wings of flight,
watching over the transient lives of the mortals below, lost and unseen
in an oblivion overhead. What people don't realize is that angels have
long been extinct, and only we remain- shadows of our ethereal
ancestors, breezing through the rhythm of the city. We have watched
this salient place since before we can remember, and will watch it for
forever longer. This is my story, this is how I came to give up forever
for one lifetime.
It started with a boy, getting off a bus from Nebraska, looking too
young to be out here by himself. I followed him that night, watching
over him as he slept. The wind threw shadows across his face, wisping
tendrils of chestnut over his lips, and I found I wanted nothing more
than to smooth them away. I wished I could touch him. And I followed
him, after that night, and watched as he went through the motions of
his life, wanting nothing more than to be there with him.
Then I came across a boy, maybe a few years older than my Duo. His name
was Heero Yuy, and he was dying. I asked him if I could take over his
body, take over his life, and in return I'd live out his dreams for
him. His last word before death took him was a consent. It felt
strange, at first, his body. I felt heavy, and cumbersome, not to
mention apprehensive at the fact that I had just thrown away my
immortality. I made my way to the alley where Duo slept, finding him
sick and cold. I picked him up carried him to Heero's house. To my
house.
* * *
Heero Yuy's dream had been to become an artist. But he was never more
than mediocre at it, while I was more than adept. While Duo recovered
from his illness I painted landscapes, sunsets and pastures. I realized
this wouldn't help me make money, though, and the money Heero had left
wouldn't last the two of us more than a few years. So I went out and
got a job at a portrait studio, even though I hated drawing people. My
salary would be adequate to sustain the both of us. I always got home
at six so I could cook Duo dinner, and gradually I think he started to
understand my feelings for him. Something sprang out of our initial
understanding, something that seemed so much better than what I had
given up.
I would lay there, after our couplings, before sleep claimed me, and
just relish in his presence. I would breath in his smell, wrapping my
arms around his skin and twining fingers in his hair. Love was such an
ephemeral thing, since life itself was only transient, and I was intent
on enjoying every moment of it.
I came home one day to find Duo with another man. I can't help but
state it matter-of-factly, I'm still not sure what I felt when I saw
them together. I wasn't mad. I couldn't be mad at Duo. I'm not sure
what happened, but I must have left the house, because the next thing I
knew I was walking through the city. Emotions and relationships were
new concepts to me, and I had never considered that Duo wouldn't want
to spend his life with me. Maybe he never cared for me at all. I had
been selfish to think that he would. I started to walk home, hoping to
discuss the matter with him. If he didn't love me, then I would just
let him go, no hard feelings, no regrets. As for me...I wasn't sure
what I would do. My whole existence had come about because of him. But
it didn't matter. When I got home, he had already left.
It hurt more than I thought it would, the realization that I was right.
He didn't love me. Maybe I was no better than one of his clients. I
walked into the bathroom, staring at the mirror, staring at the razor
he had left by the sink. I lifted it to my wrist, staring at it for a
long time as it pressed in shallowly, leaving the thinnest line of
blood in its wake. And I realized, this wasn't what I wanted. I had
asked for life, and I was going to live it out to the fullest, even
without Duo.
I decided to become a doctor. I wanted to help people, and this would
give me a chance to do just that. Heero Yuy had a high school degree
and an impressive educational record, so getting into college wasn't
hard. I spent virtually all my free time studying, determined to live
out this dream. And now, eight years later, I am officially Dr.Heero
Yuy.
* * *
I made my way through the khaki tents, looking for the new shipment of
supplies.
"Relena," I called. "Do you know where the new vaccinations are?"
Relena was a peer in college, and a co-worker on this project. We had
both volunteered for it, dispensing medical aid in the Sudan. It was
somewhat dangerous work, with all the diseases around the area, and the
lack of a good communication and transportation system between us and
the States. I know she has feelings for me, and I do care for her, but
not the same way I care for Duo. She's just...not him.
Relena shook her head sadly. "They're being held in transit, the
Sudanese government wants to check them over."
"What could they possibly want with medical equipment?"
Relena sighed. "You know how it is, Heero. On our brighter note, we do
have some more boxes of malaria pills."
"Good, there are families here that will need them." I grabbed a medium
sized box and made my way out of Relena's tent, towards the patients'
area. It really wasn't a special type of area, just an empty space
where the people could wait to get their shots and medicine. I handed
out seven pills to each person there, enough for a week's supply,
cringing at the malnourished children, stomachs swollen over the skin
and bones of the rest of their body. They thanked me with smiles; I'm
sure that didn't know exactly what good these pills and shots we gave
them did, but they knew since we've been around less people have been
dying. It's gratifying to see them chasing after my plane as it lands,
when I make a trip back from America, hear them calling hello so
enthusiastically to me. It's nice to know that they want me here, that
I´m helping.
After night fell we gathered in the communal tent for dinner. There
wasn't much from home, but the local tribes are kind enough to bring us
little tidbits of food. Tonight we were lucky enough to have some meat,
the leg of an antelope some one had hunted down. Relena was sitting by
me, while the other two doctors, Sally and Lucrezia, were seated across
from us.
"Vaccinations and pills are one thing," I said. "But we really should
send some food down here."
Sally shook her head. "It's just not possible. The funds just aren't
there, and the war lords either won't accept it, since it's an act of
charity, or they'll just keep it to themselves."
"Still," I answered. "There must be a way."
"You know," said Lucrezia, "the organization funding this expediter is
having a meeting in a month. Maybe you should schedule a plane to take
you there, speak with the chairmen and what not, drudge up some more
support."
"That's a wonderful idea," Relena gushed. "Heero, I'm sure you can
convince them."
I guessed I had no other choice, since they had all but volunteered me.
It was my idea in the first place, any way. I nodded.
After dinner, Relena insisted on walking me back to my tent. When we
got there, I stopped to say goodbye, but saw that she still had
something to say.
"Heero, I know that you'd never ask me, so I thought I'd take the
initiative. "
And then she asked me to marry her. What could I do? I said yes. I had
failed to make Duo happy, and I wasn´t going to deny Relena that
in her life, not if it were up to me. Life's too short as it is. She
beamed at me, gave me my first kiss since Duo left, a short peck on the
lips. The next day I called into town for a plane, which came to pick
me up two weeks later. Relena waved to me as the small plane lifted off
to take me to a major airport, and I waved back, determined to make the
two of us happy when I came back.
The meeting was a disaster. Not only did they refuse the request for
more support, they decided to scrap the project all together. They
offered me their condolences, commended me for my effort, and promised
a glowing recommendation for my next job. It was too bad, they said,
but the money just wasn't there. So I left to go back to Africa, to
give everyone the news and pack up the equipment. It was night when the
plane landed at the site, so there were no cheering children running
after the plane. I got off and landed in the dusty, dry soil. Sally
came up to me with a strange, sad expression on her face. And I hadn't
even told her the bad news yet.
"Heero," she started, as if talking to a child. "Relena, there was an
accident."
It had been a snake, a green mamba. Evil spirit resurrected, evil
incarnate to the natives. I had seen it happen once. Once a little girl
had been playing on the land next to the site with her friends. All of
the sudden, there was a streak of light, and there had been a shriek,
and she was so pale, so still, as she stood there. The other children
silently crept away from her, afraid to be near her but afraid to
disrupt her. The poison worked in a matter of minutes, too short a time
to get the vaccine, and she had died. I had helped to bury her, and
tonight, I helped to bury Relena. The three of us stood memorial under
the night sky, and I mourned, although I wasn't sad. Nonetheless, I
mourned.
A few months later I got a job at a hospital in Washington, taking on
terminal cases. I had changed my name, wondering why I hadn't done so
sooner. This was my life now, not Heero Yuy's. I called myself Solo,
because I was alone without Duo, and Darlian, to honor the only person
who ever truly loved me. Dr. Solo Darlian.
"Dr. Darlian," called a nurse, "there's a case they want you to
diagnose. Some one just bought him in, he's unconscious in room 213."
I nodded and headed to the room, looking in on the patient. It was
obvious he was dying. Too thin, too pale, though I couldn´t see
much of him. He was almost completely covered with dirt. I decided to
wait until they gave him a sponge bath before I made any diagnoses.
When I came back an hour later, I stopped, surprised, at the door.
There were sores on his face that could only be from a full blown case
of AIDs, but even through the sores I could identify him, and I
wondered why I didn't notice that trail of hair before.
"Dr. Darlian?" the other boy in the room said. He was tragically young,
a leukemia patient.
"I'm just checking on the new patient, Quatre."
He nodded and I walked up to Duo, resisting the urge to grasp his hand
in mine. God he looked awful, and he was still the most beautiful thing
I had ever seen. Suddenly, his eyes fluttered open, and I was drowning
in cobalt.
"Where am I?" his voice was soft, raspy, and I imagined it hurt him to
speak.
"You'e at a hospital," I managed to get out.
Quatre leaned forward to talk to the new patient. "This is Dr. Darlian,
and I'm you're roommate, Quatre."
Duo nodded weakly, and I continued in my doctor's voice. "We found you
unconscious four hours ago, and you've been here ever since."
He looked at me then, and I realized he didn't recognize me. It wasn't
surprising, I had changed a great deal more than he had. I was taller
now, more broadly built. My hair was cut shorter, closer to my head,
and had been tamed somewhat. The African sun had bleached it to a dirty
blond, and tanned my skin to a darker color. I even had something of a
beard; not because I liked it, but because my long hours made it hard
to find time to shave regularly. Or maybe it wasn't that. Maybe he had
simply forgotten me.
"So how long am I going to be in here, Doc?"
I looked down, pretending to be absorbed in my clipboard. I didn't want
to talk about this with him. It was too depressing. "This section of
the hospital was set up for terminal patients. Unless you want to
leave, you'll be staying here until you pass on."
"Sounds good to me. So I get a free place to stay and some food?"
So he was still out on the street. "Yes. There's a special fund set up
here for patients like you."
Duo nodded before drifted off to sleep. I said good bye to Quatre and
left the room, signing out and going home.
* * *
The next morning I walked towards room 213, holding a box of cookies I
had picked up from the market. Duo and Quatre had been talking, and I
got there to see Quatre falling asleep and murmuring a sleepy "I guess
that's all we can do."
I wonder what they were talking about.
I walked up to Duo, pretending to read his name off the clipboard. I
didn't want him to know who I was; he didn't need that stress right
now. He smiled politely at me.
"I bought you some cookies, Mr. Maxwell. I know how bad the food here
is."
"No, it's okay really. I'm just glad to have any food at all."
I winced at that comment and hoped he didn't notice, placing the box on
his lap.
"Thank you. These are my favorite."
I nodded as if I hadn't known that, taking a seat next to him.
"So what's your name, anyway, doc?"
"Solo Darlian."
"Solo? That's funny, my name's Duo."
"Small world."
He nodded slightly. "This is awfully nice of you, but don't you have
other patients you have other patients to go give cookies to?"
"Yes, well, I'd like to ask you a few questions first."
"I though I already went through that with the other doctor."
"It won't take very long." I opened the folder I had with me. "How long
have you been HIV positive?"
"About seven years."
"Do you have any family, or any people that care about you, that you
want to contact?"
It hurt when he shook his head no. "So Dr. Darlian, what exactly is the
diagnosis? I know it's not long."
I closed my folder. "Call me Solo. We think two weeks, at most."
"I see."
There was a short, awkward silence before my beeper rang. "If you'll
excuse me."
He nodded as I left the room.
* * *
Over the next few days I came to see Duo as often as I could, bringing
him little things I knew he liked. Sometimes he would even ask me to
get him something, a particular snack or a magazine to read. He still
read those Hollywood magazines, flipping through the back, where they
listed the auditions. I'm sure he was picking out the parts he would
try out for, if he weren't sick, the parts that would make him famous.
Some times, all you have are your dreams. I would take him outside a
lot. He was wheelchair bound now, but I pushed him along the beach in
back of the hospital. He had always loved the ocean. We built a
friendship, because we didn't have any one else. Then one day I came
in, and he looked so weary all of the sudden. I looked over to Quatre's
side of the room. It was empty.
"Kid was nice, you know? One of the nicest people I've ever met." he
murmured.
I nodded. "Duo, how much morphine did you take today?"
"I dunno. Five pills?"
It was only ten in the morning. He didn't need that much medication. I
rolled him out to the beach, where we just sat and watched the ocean.
"Solo?" he asked. "How come there aren't any mirrors in my room?"
Duo had always been proud of the way he looked. I hadn't wanted him to
see himself like this, the way he looked now. I had had them removed
that first night, while he was sleeping. "They were removed."
He didn't ask me to explain. "Could you do something for me?"
"Anything."
"Could you...bring me a mirror? I'd like to see myself one last time,
before I die. It may be hard to believe, I know I must be a mess now,
but I was beautiful at one point in my life."
"You're beautiful now."
"You don't need to flatter me, Solo."
He was having trouble breathing. I pushed him back inside, and he fell
asleep along the way. I picked him up and put him on his bed, tucking
the blanket over his too thin frame. I left the hospital then, taking
the rest of the day off. I went home, pulling out a wooden box I hadn't
opened in years, but hadn't had the heart to throw it away. Opening it,
I ran my fingers across the tubes of acrylic. This would be my last
piece. I didn't have any photos, but I only needed my memories. I
remembered how his eyes laughed all the time, how his mouth was
perpetually pulled up in that smirk that threatened to explode into a
full blown grin, how his braid had a tendency to flow to one side. And
when I was finished, there he was. Duo Maxwell at seventeen, as
beautiful and vivid as he had looked in the days before he left me. I
had the canvas framed in an oval, antique frame, and I headed to the
hospital. It had taken me twelve straight hours to finish the painting,
and when I got to the hospital, I learned he was in a coma. So I sat by
his bed, waiting for him to wake up. I stayed awake for more than
twenty-four more hours, never giving up hope, and then, he opened his
eyes.
"Solo," he rasped out, "I guess this is it."
I nodded, finding it a lot harder to keep from crying than I had
expected. "I bought you a mirror."
I held the painting in front of him, and he looked at it for a little
bit, before turning to face me. I thought his eyes seemed a little wet.
"Thank you," he breathed out.
I nodded, as he stared at me, and I wondered if he knew. Then he turned
to the window, and looked out sadly. "I'd like my ashes to be spread
out over the ocean."
I nodded again, I didn't trust myself to speak. He closed his eyes, an
overwhelming sorrow coming over his features. He probably wouldn't last
more than an hour now. Then he opened his eyes again and, looking
through the window at something beyond the horizon. "I've done a lot of
things in my life that I've regretted. I think my biggest regret,
though, was pushing away the one good thing I ever had in this life. I
had an angel looking out for me, you know, and I hurt him. Maybe more
than I realized. Do you think...do you think that he would forgive me,
for what I did?"
I forced himself to choke out the words, my voice cracking a little. "I
think he forgave you a long time ago."
"I had hoped so."
His eyes closed then, and I had a feeling he wouldn't have the strength
to open them after this. He whispered his last words, each one growing
softer and fainter than the last.
"I love you, Heero. I always have."
And then there was only the steady ping of the heart monitor.
* * *
The next day I walked down to the beach, a small steel box in my hands.
I opened it, watching as the ashes blew out and into the ocean. I had
already put in my resignation at the hospital; Duo wouldn't have wanted
me to stay, it would only be torture, and he wouldn't want me to mourn
for too long. I didn't know yet, what I would do with my life. I was
thinking of becoming an actor, since he never had a chance to.
I was wrong before; I hadn't traded in forever for a single lifetime.
What I had with Duo, whatever it was that was between us, that was
forever, and it was worth living for.
Zutto, Duo, ai shiteru.
~owari~