Things you need to know before you read the story.
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One, when you see anything in between these lines it means that we've switched form her point of view to his.
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The second thing you need to know is she's not his sister. She was his step sister because his father married her mother, but it didn't last long since his father was murdered.
Third thing you need to know is he's five years older than her.
That's all I think you need to know but just incase. He practices the Kashima-Shinryu and uses the Shoringi kempo.
HOW COULD I NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
(by JouChan)
Chapter One
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Life has always been so hard for me I don’t understand. From the moment my real father died till now. All is hell. Maybe I should start from the beginning. My name is Aeka. I don’t have a last name because I come from a poor family, so there is no last name. My father died when I was two years old. My mother who was a beautiful woman remarried about two years later. She married a man who had money but who’d come to it out of fowl deeds. This man had a son, a boy about five years older than me. My mother must have been happy with her new life. But good things never last long. Yusuke, my stepfather was only with us for three years. He was murdered sometime before my sixth birthday. The man, who killed him Jurai, tried to get my mother to marry him. Even after ten years, the memory of that day still comes to me so clearly. I came in from playing outside. I had been hungry so I looked for my mother to give me some food. I came to see this man slap my mother across the face he was yelling at her. “ Whore! Do you really think you can do better than me?” My mother who had fallen onto the floor held her cheek. She yelled back at him. “I rather be a whore a hundred times over than ever stoop so low as to sleep with you. I would kill my self before I ever became your wife!” He seemed so enraged. I watched in horror as he picked her up and shook her. I couldn’t watch anymore. I ran out only to crash into my brother. Yosho had never liked me much. At least I thought he didn’t. He always kept to himself and he’d never play with me.
He asked me what was wrong and I told him. As soon as the man’s name left my mouth he ran off into the house. I stood there where he left me for what seemed like forever to me.
I finally couldn’t stand it anymore. I ran back inside. What I saw it still makes me sick. Jurai had beaten my mother to death. He’d killed her but no before taking away her beauty. Her body laid crumpled up in the left corner of the house. When my vision was finally able to move past the figure of my mother. I saw Jurai. He laid far off to the right. He was all bloodied up. As I got closer to his body I noticed my brother laid a couple of feet from me. He had a large gash over his eye but other than that he was fine. My eyes were drawn to the sword he held in his hand. It made me realize that the blood on his Gi and on his Hakama weren’t his. I turned back to Jurai. I was a lot closer now. I could see his head had been severed. I had never seen so much blood before, I felt like screaming but I couldn’t. I just stood there a couple feet behind my brother staring.
I know I was in shock. I never saw Yosho move till he grabbed my face with his hands. I looked into the face of my stepbrother. He looked different, colder. It was almost like he’d spent all his life to achieve this one moment. How could that be possible, he was only nine?
He took me to my room and told me to pack only what I could carry. When I was done he told me we’d be leaving soon and to get some sleep. I just looked at him. I think he must have understood. He held me until I fell asleep. We left at sun up right after he burned our house.
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Life what a joke. I watch the house my father had bought burn to the ground. I turn my back at the sight. He always said not to dwell on things. I’ve avenged him; there is nothing more I can do. We start walking down the road. It’s going to take us a long time to get to Nagoya. I look at Aeka from the corner of my eye. She’s so little. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to take care of her. She’s so used to her mother. I noticed how they interacted. Very emotional . . . . . . people.
My mother died after my birth, so it had been just father and me for many years. He taught me all I needed to know. I can read I can write and I can fight. Although he never got to finish my training. I look at the long road ahead of us. My father had a plan for everything. He had written Aeka’s mother a note should something ever happen to him. She had cried but she’d understood. His note to me was a little different. Mine was written in case I became the lone survivor of one of his enemies’ attack. It was different only in that I wasn’t alone. There was Aeka. I will do as planned I will head back to Nagoya. Well start over.
Chapter Two
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I never knew Nagano was so big. We’ve been walking for days on end. I’m so tired. We rest at night on the side of the road using large trees for cover. Yosho acts as though he was all alone. We walk in silence and we eat in silence. The only time he comforts me is when I cry at night. During the day I try to be brave for him but at night it’s so hard. I miss my mama. He always holds me till I fall asleep. In the morning things go back to normal. He ignores my presence completely.
I’m not used to walking for so long. Yosho takes such large steps I can’t keep up. As the day wears through, my pace slows to the point were I’m dragging my feet. He slows his pace without looking back. I think he knows I can’t keep up. The next pebble in the road catches me off guard and I stumble. I fall and scrape my knee. That seems to break my composure. I stay sprawled on the floor. My knee’s bleeding but that doesn’t seem to be the source of my pain. I sit and I cry. I don’t wail and I don’t scream. Instead I whimper. I’m all alone now. My father’s dead and now so is my mother. I’m all alone in this world. The back of my hand is rubbing my eyes furiously. The light of the setting sun is obscured by a shadow. I look up in vain. I can’t really see. Yosho’s face comes close to mine as he kneels in front of me. He cleans my scraped knee and tries to lift me so I can stand but I just can’t. He wipes my tears away and looks at me for a moment. I can’t tell what he’s thinking but I think he’s trying to find a way to make me feel better. He looks around while I look at him. A thought occurs to me then. This is it; this is all I have now. Just him.
“The town’s not too far from here.” He says to me as he tries to get me to stand again. “I’ll carry you.”
My crying had stopped at some point. I peered at him through wet lashes and puffy eyes. I allowed him to help me stand. He bent a bit so I could climb on his back. My head rested on his shoulder as he began to walk again. Our walk into town was done in silence.
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I knew dealing with her was going to be hard. The relationship I had with my father had been different, simple. We understood each other. He weren’t mushy like Aeka’s mom. I glance at her; she’s still on the ground. I sigh.
I take out a small rag from inside my gi and clean her wound with a bit of saliva. There it’s clean. I try to make her stand but she’s unwilling. I wipe her tears, what else does she expect me to do. The things I’m carrying aren’t weighing me down but her extra weight might. At this rate it’ll be a year before we get to our destination. “The towns not too far from here.” I say to her, as I try to stand her up again. “I’ll carry you.”
I bend down at the knees so she can climb on my back. She wraps her arms around my neck and rests her head on my shoulder. As I carry her I can’t help but think this is what she wanted. I hope she falls asleep. I know how much she likes to talk. She tried to be friends with me when she first met me but I was very unresponsive. I never had anyone to talk to as I grew up. I prefer to be on my own so her following me around was an inconvenience. As I continue the walk to the next town I can’t help but think that three years ago I wouldn’t have helped her at all. I would have just left her there. But now things are different and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or bad thing.
Chapter Three
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I can’t tell if we’ve been walking for weeks or months. Time seems endless. I want to know if we’re there yet but I don’t dare ask. I look at the leaves as we walk down the road. They’ve started to turn brown; some of them are even falling. How long have we been walking? My thoughts drift off as we walk. I notice our shadows on the road. If I extend my hand out it seems like I’m poking his ribs. I giggle a little. I raise my hand and shake it a bit. It looks like I’m petting him. We continue our walk for sometime till we see some people up ahead. Yosho slows down and I almost run into him. Looks like three boys a bit older than him up ahead. The situation seems weird to me so I lean in closer to Yosho. I hold his hand as we walk by them. Yosho's’ jaw moves and I stare up at him as we walk by them. Is it possible he knows them? If he does than are we close to his old house?
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Damn it! I think as I spot the guys up ahead. Same bastards from before. I met them some months ago in the forest. I was up in my usual tree just meditating. When the warmth of the sun left my face I knew the sun was setting. I had to get home for dinner. As I was leaving the forest they tried to jump me. We struggled for some time. It was three against one. But despite my age I had been taught how to take on someone bigger than me. I broke their leaders nose and instead of advancing on me like I expected they just with drew. I limped home but I never saw them again. Never till now. I clench my jaw in agitation.
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I don’t think he knows them if he did he would have said something. Although knowing him he wouldn’t. Even after the other boys have gone by I don’t let go of his hand. I like it better this way. Yosho glanced down at me while I watch the trees on the side, I can see his shadow on the grass though. I see when his head turns back to the road. He lets me hold his hand till we get to town. We sit at some restaurant where the food smells really good. I look a round at all the people around us. The lady there seems reluctant to approach us. She’s gone to every table but ours. “Yosho.” I call out to him. His head turns to me. “I’m hungry when is she coming?”
“Right now,” he says as he gets up.
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I walk up to the waitress, some burly women. Maybe late twenties, it’s hard for me to say I don’t really stare at women. She’s talking animatedly with some younger guy. “Ma’m” I say to her trying to get her attention. Even at the age of eleven I stand taller than she does.
“Ma’m,” I say again and this time she looks at me.
“What is it?” She snaps at me.
“Are you a waitress here or the owner?” I ask her in a calm tone.
She reddens a bit. “A waitress.” She mumbles at me.
“Then as a paying customer I suggest you help me. My sister is hungry and I’d appreciate it if she got some food before she fainted.”
The women seems angry, she glances over my shoulder probably trying to see if I’m with someone. “Look you little . . . .”
“Customer.” I finish for her.
Her face gets redder. “I don’t know where you. . . . .”
“Look I’m not here to argue. We’ll take two of the lunch special.” I say as I start to turn.
“You little bastard,” she hissed.
I stopped dead in my tracks. A feeling of cold anger sweeps over me as I turn to her. “I am,” I say with a hateful voice. “Don’t let my age fool you into thinking I’m innocent” I hissed in a lower voice so that only she can hear me.
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I watch them from my seat. She’s saying something and then so is my brother. He seems mad but when he comes back he seems fine.
I don’t know if I should ask him what happened. So I sit there and play with my hands over the table. I miss talking to people. A moment later the lady comes out with some fried noodles and fried fish. It smells so good. She smiles at me as she gives me my plate. I watch to see what she gives him but I notice an angry expression crosses her face when she looks at him. I don’t understand why though. Yosho doesn’t seem bothered by it though he ignores her completely. The woman’s face scrunches up some more and she leaves in a huff.
I so want to ask what happened. He looks at me to see why I still haven’t eaten. I felt like he’s caught me. I’m surprised so I say the first thing that comes to mind. “Itadakimasu” I say. He responds in kind and we start our meal.
After our meal we head back onto the main road. I need another kimono, a warm one. I yawn as we head back to the road. We usually stop walking only when we can’t see the road anymore.
Chapter Four
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Finally sometime around midday and after what has felt like years to me we are finally here. I look around the house; it’s pretty big. “Is this were you used to live?”
“Yes,” he said coming into the room. “Before my dad met your mom this is where we used to live.”
“Wow,” I say running my hand over some furniture. “How long are we going to stay here?”
“This is our new home.” He said as he left the room. I followed him out. “We are close to the river, so I’ll fish.”
“Will you let me cook it?” I asked with a sudden burst of energy.
“When you’re older but for right now I’ll do the cooking.” He said as he started dusting some stuff.
“Will you teach me to fish? Oh and to swim. Will you teach me how to swim?” I asked as I started to jump around in place.
He turned to me suddenly and I stopped jumping. “I’ll teach you all you need to know.” He said handing me a towel. “Help me dust.”
I nodded and went around the room dusting everything. Because I was so small I did all the stuff on the floor. When we were done dusting we swept and then we moped the floors. We finished cleaning by the time the sun had set. I helped Yosho light some candles and then we went out side. There was still some light out so I guess he was going to try and fish. I watched with wide eyes as he swung a line into the water. It didn’t take him long to catch three fish. He cut the them open and that’s when I made an “Eew” noise. He almost smiled then. Despite the disgust I felt I drew closer. He was removing the scales. I scrunched up my face again. “They smell funny,” I commented. He didn’t say anything and after a moment we went back inside the house where he impressed me with his cooking abilities. Our first night there was great. We ate well and we were so tired we fell asleep as soon as we laid on the futon. I yawned and snuggled closer into his warmth. The air up here was colder, I thought right before I fell asleep.
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No matter where I go or how long I am in returning. This place always feels like home to me. I lay on the futon with my eyes closed.
Every time my father had a job some where he’d take me with him. Sometimes we’d be gone for months before we returned. This time it had been years. But it didn’t matter I was home. I felt Aeka snuggle closer to me. I almost smiled. She was actually of some help today. I can’t imagine teaching her how to fish. She’s such a girl. No, what I need to do is find her a doll to play with. Or maybe I’ll just give her little odd jobs around the house to keep her busy. She’ll forget about. Now that I’m warm I feel sleepy. Don’t know why Aeka has that affect on me.
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Chapter Five
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A whole year has passed. I’ve turned seven and he’s turned twelve. I had hoped we’d have gone into town to celebrate but it didn’t happen so. I still couldn’t fix my hair on my own so Yosho would braid it for me in the morning. I touched my braid. He’d gotten better over the last year. I remember the first time he’d tried. He’d gotten mad at his first try. He’d pulled my hair and then left the braid too tight so he had to do it over. After two more tries he succeeded in making an acceptable braid. I knew it was crooked but I didn’t say anything.
I’m a little taller and I understand more. Because I do Yosho says he will teach me to read and write.
The first lesson was much like his first try with my hair. He gets mad easily when things don’t turn out the way he expects them to. I guess I ask to many questions but I can’t help it. What does he think I’m going to do if I don’t understand. Kids aren’t supposed to have bad days. But then I’m not most kids. I sigh and lay on the edge of the futon. He still hadn’t come to bed; he was probably just walking around. I closed my eyes, willing sleep to come to me but it didn’t. I scrunched up my eyes and tried harder. That’s when I heard the shoji open. I stayed still as he came in and lay down. It felt like a long time before sleep came to me. My eyelids were on the verge of closing when I felt Yosho pull me into him. He said something I didn’t quite hear. I was so sleepy and now that I was warm I was able to fall asleep.
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“Damn It Aeka!” I couldn’t help but yell at her. I turn my face away from her and leave the house.
She didn’t seem frightened though, this time. She‘d gotten to know me in this last year. The first time I had yelled at her she’d started crying. I couldn’t deal with her. She’s a handful. At the time it had been better for me to just leave. When I came back I noticed she’d fallen asleep crying. It had made me feel bad. I almost apologized. I had laid her on the futon and went to sleep. The next day everything was back to normal.
She’d been frowning when I left. I sat by the lake throwing pebbles into the river. The sound of the water rushing down stream had a way of easing my tension. In the last year I’ve come to know the area around the house very well. Better than I did before I left. It’s of no surprise to me since I have to take a walk out almost every night. Seems she can’t go a day with out pissing me off.
Well maybe that wasn’t completely true. I don’t know. I shake my head I don’t want to think anymore. I throw the last pebble into the water and leave.
I come into the room; she’s a heavy sleeper so I don’t have to sneak in. I think she was offended because she‘s on the edge of the futon. She doesn‘t want to touch me.
I sigh.
I shouldn’t have said she was dumb. What’s said is said though. I lay back and try to go to sleep.
I’ve been laying here for a while. And I can’t go to sleep. I feel like pulling my hair out. Urgh! I scream in my head. I can hear the crickets out there. Don’t they ever sleep? If I got angry I really wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. I look over at Aeka. I reach out and bring her from the edge of the futon to the middle so she’s close to me. She’s warm. You’d think that with summer here I’d be too. I want to sleep it’s the only reason I’m doing this. I have to clear this up. “I don’t need you,” I whisper to her as I hug her close to me. Her warmth spreads and less than a heart beat later sleep comes to me.
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If I thought learning to read was hard it was nothing compared to learning to swim. He had put it off till now and he would have till next year too I bet if I hadn’t started having a fit. I think it was all the shouting that’d convinced him. To begin with he made me wear this small blanket with little armholes, which was secured with tight knots around the waist. It was weird but I wore it because it was the only way he’d teach me. Then we stayed in the shallow end where he made me paddle around. He said it would be months before we made it to the deep end. Were things always going to be this hard? I really hope not.
Summer is in full bloom and I can swim. Despite his warnings not to go into the deep end I have and I can swim. I’m not afraid but then I don’t know if that’s because I know how to swim or it’s because Yosho’s there. Funny that I would think that.
Why do girls need to learn to fish? Really, why? At some point I’m sure I had wanted to learn but now I don’t think I do. It seems boring all you do is sit there and then getting the fish while they’re moving around it’s gross. I think it’s obvious I’ve had my first fishing lesson. I actually touched the fish or at least tried to. When it kept slipping out of my hands Yosho made a grab for it. In the end he fell into he water and got wet. That may not have been so bad if we hadn’t done the wash today. So there was nothing for him to wear. I offered him one of my kimonos’ but that only seemed to make him angrier. He left in a puff. I felt it would be better not to follow him. So I stayed back and swam for a while. After some time I got out and dressed. I was about to leave when the thought to try and catch our dinner came to me. He had left sometime ago and probably wouldn’t do it. So I found myself a sunny spot and did what I always saw him do. I tossed my line out into the water though not as gracefully as him and waited.
My shoulder felt like it was going to fall off but I caught one. I yelled and hissed as I removed it from my line. It was so slimy. Eew, Eew. Eew.
It took me the rest of the afternoon to catch three more and every time I caught one, it was always the same. Eew, Eew, Eew, Eew.
I soon came to realize that fishing wasn’t as bad as when I tried to gut them and washed them. I almost threw up. Yuck.
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I’m wet and I’m angry. I knew she was going to act like this. Why do I bother teaching her anything. Ungrateful brat. Urgh! I hate this. I hate it. It’s only at times like this that I miss the old house. It was large and she could wonder off to play. Or she could find other kids to play with. Not here. I’m her only companion. Yes companion. NOT friend. I don’t want to be her friend. She drives me crazy. I look around and noticed I’ve made my way north. I sit on a log in a clear deep in the forest. I can sit here and dry. I understand now why Aeka’s mother used to tell her she’d be the death of her. I think she will be mine too.
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It was completely dark outside by the time I finished dinner. Well not really dinner. The rice had already been made and I had burned the first fish but the other three were good. I was taking bit of the burned one when Yosho came inside. “I’ve got dinner.” We both said at the same time.
I looked at his hand to see he held food from a restaurant. It smelled like chicken. I’m surprised I still remembered what it smelled like. Since we’ve come here I haven’t been back into town. He came closer to the table and sat down. He peered at the food almost curiously I would say. He placed the food in front of me and he started to eat what I had prepared.
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I can’t believe she cooked. No, let’s back track. I can’t believe she caught some fish. I look at the food warily. She’s helped me make rice balls before. But she’s never cooked on her own. I place the food down in front of her and sit to eat. The first bite was the scariest I had no idea what the food would taste like. The food tastes somewhat the same as what I make and what her mom used to make. Very curious.
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Sometimes he’s really weird. I took his food and divided it into two portions. I noticed he ate more than I did. I gave him half and I ate half. I was full with just the food from the restaurant but decided I couldn’t just throw the burnt fish away so I ate that too. My stomach hurt. I finished eating first but I think that’s because I only had one serving. When he finished eating I got up and cleared the table. We washed and dried the dishes. Despite the late hour we didn’t go to sleep. It was too hot and I think we both ate two much. He’d eaten two fish, three rice balls plus the food from the restaurant. I’m glad I didn’t mention the third fish or he might have eaten that too. We sat out in front of the door to our house taking in the sea of endless stars set in the depths of the inky sky. I read that in one Yosho‘s books but it applies to right now.
Chapter Six
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“I don’t see why you have to do this.” I said to him but it was useless it seemed he’d made up his mind.
“I told you I’m doing this because we’re out of money.” He said as he got ready to leave.
“Please don’t go.“ I begged. “Well if you have to then I don’t see why I can’t come with you. I could help you.” I said.
“Look Aeka. It’s hard enough finding a job when you’re thirteen. You’re only eight, you‘d only get in the way. I want you to say here. And do as I say.” He tied his hair up started to leave.
“You don’t have to . . . .” I began but he cut me off.
“Yes, I do. It’s my job to take care of you.” On that final note he left.
I stood at the door watching him walk way. It wasn’t his job. I’m not his sister. Not really.
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It was early in the morning. I had been good with the money my father had put aside. It was the only reason it had lasted us this long. She must have known this was coming she’s been growing so fast but then so have I. The clothes we had on when we left no longer fit us. Since then I‘ve bought her two new kimonos every year. And I have bought myself a gi and hakama every year as well. We’re in need of clothes. The house needs repairs and she needs some books to keep her entertained. I had no other choice why did she have to start making such a big deal about it.
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It’s time for lunch but I can’t eat. I‘m not hungry. Where is he? Shouldn’t he be back by now? I poke the rice ball again. I can’t sit here anymore. I cover the food, if you can call it that and I step outside. It’s snowed. It looks so beautiful, the cold weather doesn’t take way from it’s beauty instead it seems to add. I sit out on the step to our house. I’ll wait for him to come home. He shouldn’t be much longer.
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I didn’t think finding a job could be so hard. It took me hours to walk the whole town. The only place I could find a job was at a bar in the bad part of town. I clean up after drunken assholes. The fact that I have to stoop so low, It pisses me off. But I have to be man. I have to do this. It’s my job to take care of us and that’s what I’ll do. It’s dark now but I know where I’m going, having traveled this road many times. I can smell the stench of alcohol on me. I’d take a quick bath but it’s so cold out and I don’t really feel like getting a bath ready. I’ll do it first thing in the morning. The job requires me to come in the afternoon and to leave late at night. I don’t think Aeka’s going to like this.
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I reheat the tea. It has been hours and hours. He didn’t come back. What if something happened to him? Should I have gone after him? I think that maybe I should have followed him from a distance. Just to make sure. What am I going to do? I glance down at the tea it’s ready. I serve it and take the cup into our room. I sit on the futon with the cup. The liquid swirls around. I shouldn’t have let him go. Why didn’t I listen to myself? He can be so stubborn.
“Aeka?”
My head turns upward at the familiar call of my name. “Yosho.” I get up so quickly I almost spill the tea.
“Why are you still up?” He says to me as he comes into the room. He doesn’t sound happy at all.
“I was worried. I didn’t know where . . . . When you were coming home.” I know he doesn’t like it when I ask a lot of questions but this is different.
“You can’t wait up for me. You need to go to sleep. Will talk tomorrow.” He says as he takes the teacup and pushes me down.
"No." I say to him. If I let this go it'll be a year before he tells me. He thinks that I'm too young to understand. It's why he didn't tell me about getting a job till right before he left this morning.
"Aeka I'm not going to talk about it. So don't pester me with your questions." He was looking for his nightclothes.
"It's not pestering if I want to know if you're all right." I say in an indignant tone.
"It is if you can see I'm fine but still ask me." He says as he spots them on the futon. "Here." He says as he hands me the cup.
"Yosho why where you gone for so long?" I say to him but he's not looking at me. I turn when he starts to dress. "Yosho."
"Look Aeka. There are some things you don't need to know. All you need to know is that I have a job. And it pays. Now can you drop it." He sounds tired but right now I don't care.
"No Yosho I can't. Are you always going to be home this late?" I hear him putting down his clothes so he must be dressed. I turn to see him sitting on the futon.
"Yes and sometimes later." He says as he lays back.
I cross my arms over chest. He can't just ignore me. I stomp my foot and he opens an eye. "Just what kind of a job is this?"
His eyes narrow dangerously. But I stand my ground. "This is the last time I'm going to tell you this Aeka. It's a job. Now drop it." He almost yells the last part.
That seems to be the only emotion he directs at me. Anger. On the occasional night when I have a nightmare he comforts me but it's more physical than verbal.
He blows out the candle and leaves me standing in the dark. I'd like to kick him. Or run away. But I'm afraid he might not follow me if I did. He's all I have and though he makes me angry I couldn't leave him. I stand there trying to decide. Should I leave the room? I want to. I turn to leave but I can't I'm tired too. I sat out there all day waiting for him to come home. I had only come in to make some tea. My back hurts. I do need to sleep. So against my own wishes I walked to the bed and lay down. I lay on the edge of the futon I'm cold it's winter after all but I don't want to go near him.
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I knew she was going to be up. I had hoped she wouldn't be but I had a feeling she would. Why can't she just take the answer I give her instead of trying to dig deeper? She's always been curious but this goes beyond that. She makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. She makes herself and me mad when she asks so many questions. I've known her for fours years. Two of those four we have spent here. Why can't she just leave me alone? I feel her come to bed. She's on the edge of the futon again. So she's mad. Fine let her be mad. I don't care. I turn on my side so my back is facing her. By doing so I know the blanket comes with me. I feel her tug on it but she gives up when she can't pull it away from me.
The sun is starting to come up and I still haven't been able to fall asleep. I turn on my back and glance to the side. I see her on the very edge of the futon. She's curled up into a tight little ball. She's cold but at least she fell asleep. I pull her towards me and pull the covers high up. Slowly she starts to unwind her self until she rests warmly on my side. One arm rests behind her while the other rests over my chest. I've come to the conclusion . . . . I yawn. That this is a habit. I can only sleep when she's close to me. I yawn again. The walk around town made me tired. My eyes are closing. My head drops to the side so that her head's under my chin I'm just barely aware of the action as I fall asleep.
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The sun's been up for some time but I can't get up. I'm tired plus I think I might have gotten sick yesterday. I stayed out in the cold for too long, waiting for him to come home. I'm very surprised he hasn't gotten up yet. He's always the first to get up. I hope he's not sick. I yawn I must still be tired. Well a bit more sleep won't hurt me. I close my eyes and sleep comes for me quickly.
The next time I woke up I was all alone. I got up and walked to the kitchen. He wasn’t there. I walk around to where we eat but he wasn’t there either. Where could he have gone? “Yosho?” I called out. “Yosho where are you?”
I was about to step out side when the I almost crashed into him. “Yosho I was coming out to look for you.”
“What for?” He said as he put down the firewood he held
“I just wanted to see . . . . if you . . . ” She didn’t know what to say.
“Why don’t you go change while I make you breakfast.” He said turning his back to her.
I stood for a heartbeats moment before I did as told. I knew he was going to avoid yesterday’s conversation completely. I changed and went out back to help him. I wanted to talk to him but his face was so serious. He almost seemed mad. We ate at the table in silence. I waited till he finished eating before I asked. “What time are you leaving?”
“Aeka,” he warned.
I bit me lip. “Yosho it’s so cold out I don’t think you should go honestly I think we can survive on what we have please don’t go you’re going to get sick.” I said it all in rush.
“You are too young to understand.” He said as he rose with his plates.
“Why do you always say that when ever I start asking too many questions, it’s the first thing you say to me.” I say as I grab his arm and pull him back a bit.
“Because it‘s the truth,” he says as he wrenches his arm out of my grasp.
“You don’t have to . . . .” I start.
“Will you quit saying that. I do what I have to.” He said as he began to wash the dishes.
“Fine,” I say as I bump him into the water basin on my way out of the room.
I don’t see him again till the next day at breakfast. The next couple of days are filled with a lot of tension. The first two days I didn’t speak to him but then I realized that was more of a punishment for me then for him. So when I spoke to him I was as mean as possible. But again that was more of a punishment for me than for him because being mean to him made me feel bad. It was very hard for me to see him leave everyday in the afternoon. The first week was the hardest.
It’s been a month now. And I still can’t help but worry. Tomorrow’s his day off. I lye in bed waiting for him to come home. I guess this job was all right. I got to spend the morning with him and he was still home to sleep. Things could be worse. I don’t know how they could but I’m sure they could. I hear the shoji slide open. I thank Kami I was on my side with my back turned to the door so he can’t see I’m still awake. As soon as he comes in I can smell him. It’s one of the reasons I hate the place he works at. He always smell funny. Today the smell seems a little stronger.
It’s a while before I feel him reach for me. I was so bored today I took a nap, so I’m not sleepy at all.
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I hate that Fucking place. Something I’ve learned while working there. Is how to cuss. Probably the only thing. The air is cold as I walk through the forest. I’m numb from the cold. I speed up my pace. Today all I want to do is sleep. Some asshole spilled his sake on me and I stink. If it’s not one idiot it’s another. I shake my head in disgust. The things I do.
I slide the door open, good she’s asleep. I change clothes and lay down. It’s been a tough month. Getting used to working and then getting used to the place it’s been hard. I look at the package I brought with me. That should make her happy. It’s a weeks worth of wages but maybe it’ll get her out of that prissy mood she’s been in for the last month. I turn my head to the other side she hasn’t moved. I reach for her and turn her so she rests close to me. I need to meditated for longer than I am now. I need my head to clear. She’ll get pissed if she doesn’t see me at breakfast so I’ll have to start getting up earlier. I rest my head on hers for a moment. She smells like soap. I frown. I shouldn’t be thinking I need to sleep. I close my eyes and wait for sleep to come. It doesn’t take long.
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Chapter Seven
**************
Today’s my birthday I turn nine. I’m so anxious. I’ve been talking none stop for several days. He doesn’t have to buy me anything. Just take me into town. I want to look around. It’s been what . . . . three years since I’ve been into town. Wow that’s along time. I’m very anxious. Did I say that because I am. I can’t wait till he comes home. I told him to get the day off work so we could spent it together. I will ask him to take me to town. If not, I’ll pester him as he likes to call it. Till he does. I lye on my back just looking at the ceiling. He did a pretty good job in repairing the house. I can’t believe how tall he’s gotten. I’m taller too but not nearly as tall as him. I think he’s going to be as tall as his dad. So maybe I’ll be as tall my mom. I play with the end of my braid as I think back on the years.
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I can’t believe this. Of all the days to get robbed. I shake my head as I turn back to the scene unfolding in front of me.
“You heard me. Give me the money or I’ll slice you open!” The masked man yelled at the bartender.
All the drunks had gone quiet. Fucking cowards. What the hell did they carry swords for? I reached over for Tsugo’s sword the old man didn’t need it but he still carried it around.
It had been years since I’d picked up a sword, it felt a bit heavy. I should have been practicing. That didn’t matter thought, right now what I needed to do was stop this guy. If he stole today’s money I wouldn’t get paid an tomorrow was Aeka’s birthday.
“Oi!” I yelled over to the man.
He turned around and laughed. He laughed at me. “Look, kid. I don’t want to kill anyone today. But it doesn’t mean I won’t.” He turned his back on me and went back to the bartender. “Are you deaf?” He said to him
Hirohito shook his head and gave him the money. The man took it and ran. I just couldn’t let him go though. I ran out after him and stood in his way.
I took the blade out of it’s sheath, in training I’d had two sword but this would have to do. Somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered my fathers style. He’d left me a book with the techniques. I held the sword upside down like a knife. I didn’t wait for him attack me. I rushed forward and when I was about three feet away I turned the blade sideways and then upward into a diagonal stroke. It hit the man across the chest. It was the same move that had killed Jurai when I was younger but I was older now and I could control the sword better. The man stumbled back, his hands had come up to hold the blood back. “The Kashima-Shinryu.” He said as he fell on his side.
I slashed the air to get the blood off. I noted the drunks had come out to see the fight. I picked up the pouch that held the money and tossed it to Hirohito.
“Is that what your style’s called?” He asked me as I walked by.
I didn’t answer him, I walked over to Tsugo and gave him back the sword.
“No kid, you keep it. It’s your.” He said to me as he pushed it back into my hands. I couldn’t say no. I was rude enough to these men without refusing the sword. So I merely nodded and went back inside. The others were long in coming back in.
After a long time Hirohito came back in. “Oi, Seki.” He said from the doorway. “You can go home early today. Here.” He said as he handed me my wages for the month. It looked like a bit more than usual. He scratched his head. “Little extra for saving the money and all.” I noted he was nervous around me now. I nodded and made my way out. Everyone stared at me as I left. When I stepped outside I noticed the thief’s body was gone. I wonder what they did with it?
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If I stretched out the braid I could wrap it around my neck twice, my hair has gotten long these past few years. Still I love Yosho’s hair. He’s let his hair grow too. I admit I like it better when it’s in the high ponytail rather than tied at the back of the neck. I wander what other boys look like. Do they look like Yosho, tall, dark hair, deep eyes. His eyes are intense. Intense, that's a word I learned this year. Intense. It described him perfectly. Even with his job he still takes the time to teach me. Now though what I want him to teach me is his kempo. I want . . . . . .
I turn my head in the direction of the shoji. I raise my head a little. And he suddenly appears. A scream and he looks annoyed.
“That wouldn’t have happened if you’d already been asleep.” He says to me.
I pout, he has a way of making things my fault even when they aren’t. “Is it me or are you home early?” I ask him.
He’s taking a seat on the futon. “Aren’t you going to change first?” I say to him. He stops himself from sitting and gets up again. I hand him his clothes and cover my eyes. “Are you early to wish me a happy birthday?” I ask. The rustling sound stops for a moment before it continues.
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Once again I wish she was already asleep. The questions will forever be a nuisance. What do I tell you Aeka? Yeah they sent me home because I killed someone and now they’re afraid of me. Yeah right.
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“Business was slow.” He says to me. His finger touches my hand and I remove them so I can see him. I smile at him but he hardly returns the gesture. He’s lying down. Oh no, I hope he’s not sleepy.
“Are we still going into town tomorrow?” I ask as I hover over him.
I see the ghost of a smile trace his lips. He’d look nice if he smiled more often. I suddenly find my face burning. Did I just think that. I turn to his face and notice he’s opened his eyes. I find my face burning hotter.
He half raises on his elbows to look at me. I lean back down to a sitting position next to him. “Are you sick?” He asks and I find my face is still getting hotter.
“No,” I’m able to mumble and his hand reaches for my forehead. My eyes focus on his face. I feel my heart start to race. I still feel hot. I touch the hand that rests against my forehead. His eyes narrow in confusion. A look I hardly see on his face but one that I know and recognize. His hand suddenly pulls away. “I never said we were going into town.” He says. And it takes me a moment to comprehend.
“Yosho . . . .” I open my mouth.
“No!” He says as he shakes his head at me.
“Please!” I start in a whine.
“No!” He says again
“Come on!” The whine has been replaced by irritation. “You can’t be like that.”
“No.” He says as he lays back down.
“Yosho what good reason do you have for not wanting me to go to town. Tell me.” I ask. I am more than annoyed.
“I don’t own you any explanations. I’m fourteen and last time I checked you weren’t my mother.” He says in an exasperated tone.
I hit him for that and his eyes open to look at me. We both stare at each other for a moment. He takes not having a mother so lightly. I can’t because mine was murdered. I knew my mother and she loved me. How different things would have been if she were still alive. He blinks and turns his eyes else where. “Go to sleep," he says to me as he lays back down.
I don’t say anything else. I lean over him and blow the candle out. I stay close to him and cover us with the light blanket. I lean my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.
A moment later.
“Will you teach me kempo?”
“Aeka.”
Chapter Eight
*************
November has arrived and the weather has cooled. I stand on the this grassy patching starring at Yosho. He seems agitated again. It has been five months since my birthday and even though I didn’t get to go into town he started teaching me kempo. So I guess it was fine.
“Aeka!” He yells and my head snaps back up. I don’t mean to tune him out it just happens sometimes.
“Right,” I say but I don’t know what he said. He nods and comes back to fix my stance.
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She’s not listening. I don’t why she hassles me into teaching her things if she’s not going to listen.
“Aeka!” I yell and her head snaps back up. “Are you going act like this all day?”
‘Right’ she says. I sigh what’s the point. I go over to her and fix her stance. I align her arms and fold them at the elbow. I make her extend her palms. I kick her left leg out a little. There. She’s got the stance. I should make her stand out like this for a couple of hours like my father did me when I couldn’t do the stance.
I circle her and I notice her hair has grown. The braid reaches her lower back. She’s much smaller than me now that I’ve grown. There’s at least a foots difference between us.
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I’m so glad he fixed me a bath before he left. The water is so warm. I think he was extra hard on me today probably because I wasn’t listening. My thoughts kept drifting back to stupid stuff. Like how he gets this wrinkle on his brow when he scowls. Or when he’s mad. Although that one time I almost drowned he’d gone completely pale. He almost hit me. I think I was seven and a half. Now I think it’s funny but I’d been scared then. Not because I’d almost died but because he was just out of control. He’d yelled a whole mess of things at me and I’d cried. He’d picked me up and left me on the futon. Then he’d left for the rest of the day. He came back sometime before I fell asleep. He’d bought me a kimono. I guess because I had out grown my other one. Hmm, sometimes I think, I think too much about him. But I assume that’s normal because I only spend time with him. So does that mean he doesn't think about me. Unlike me he has other people he could talk to. I don’t know, the thought bothers me but I’m not quiet sure why.
I look down, my water has gotten cold.
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“Are you Seki-san?” I look up to see some man maybe early thirties.
“Yes, why?” My tone is not inquisitive, it’s dull. You’d fine how many people leave you alone with this tone. I learn that at an early age.
“Um, are you the guy who defeated Kujiranami?” He asks.
I had stopped cleaning the table to hear this guy out but if he’s not going to make sense, I start turn back to cleaning the table. “I don’t know who you’re talking about.” I say over my shoulder. To me this conversation is over.
I hear him shift and the sound of his sheath. Before I realize hat I’m doing I’ve turned around I’ve grabbed him and his face is on the table. I slam his head on to it. He sputters and I repeat the action.
“Wait.” He screams.
I withdraw. Hirohito has rushed out from the back with my sword. He tosses it at me and I catch it. I step back further.
The man is slow to rise to his feet again. He’s cleaning the wound on the side of his face with the rag I’d been cleaning with. “I’m here to offer you a job.”
I’m a bit surprised by that. I feel like frowning but at the moment I lack expression.
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I lye awake like I do everyday, waiting for Yosho to come home. I’m sprawled over the futon, just thinking. Are other people awake? I mean they would have to be if he has to work this late. I wonder when I’m going to get married? That thoughts been bothering since my birthday. Weird, I had never thought about the future before. But since then. I can’t help but think, if there’s anyone I want to marry it’s him. It’s Yosho.
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I’m not sure if taking this job is such a good idea but this job alone will pay me ten times what I made at the Saké house. And he’s offered more than one job if I’m willing to come and work for his boss. I said no to more than one. I told him I’d take only the ones that didn’t take me too far away from town.
I can’t leave Aeka alone, though I didn‘t express that out loud.
I’m making my way back to the house. She’s going to wonder what I’m doing here so early because like always she’s going to be awake. I think the headache is starting before I even get there.
I slide the shoji open carefully. The light’s on and I’m curious as to what she’s doing.
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This waiting around thing is boring I wish he would take me with him just once. I brush my hair with this years birthday present. A pretty comb and mirror set. I’ve undone the braid and decided that maybe I should try different hair styles. I did buns, then buns with pigtails, then just pigtails. Now I’m trying the high ponytail. Each hair style makes me laugh more than the last one. I go back to the pigtails and hold them back with large ribbons. I can’t imagine fighting in these. You’re opponent could just pull you by one of the pigtails and drag you around the ground. Hmm, I don’t think Yosho would ever let me brush his hair, at least not into pigtails. He’d look cute though. I pull the ribbons out and it cascades down. I have way too much time on my hands. I turn to put my comb and mirror away back into their safe place. I see Yosho starring at me when I crawl back on the bed. I freeze and my face starts to get hot. “Yosho.”
I can see the muscles around his lips twitching. He’s trying not to laugh at me. For some reason that makes me angry even though I’m humiliated. “How long have you been there?”
“Since the pigtails.” He says. I frown, was that the first time or the second time I made them.
“Are you trying to make yourself prettier for me?”
I can’t believe he said that. And from the look on his face he can’t believe it either. His mouth moves but there’s no word coming out. My face has turned crimson. I know it has but at least I’m not alone I can see the small blush on his bronzed skin. It looks nice.
“You’re home early?” I sputter.
He’s not looking at me anymore. “Yes I am.” But that’s all he says. I hand him his clothes and I close my eyes so he can change. It’s a long moment before I hear the rustling sounds of his clothes. He pokes my hand and I watch him lye down. I realize I’m still on the middle of the bed and move back so he can have his side.
“What happened?” I ask him.
“Aeka let’s just sleep for once with out the questions. For once.” He says to me.
“There wouldn’t be any questions if you would just come home and tell me what happened at work today like a normal person.” I’ve come back to the middle of the bed and sit so that my thighs touch his thighs I look at him with my arms crossed over my chest.
“I think I’ll start waking you up at the crack of dawn so when I come home I can find you asleep.” He says in a very serious voice. But I don’t buy it. He wouldn’t do that to me, he’s too afraid I’ll get sick. So I call his bluff.
“All right it’ll give us more time to spend together. I can meditate with you.” I say sounding very enthusiastic.
He makes a face. It looks like the face he made when he tried the first lemonade I ever made. Yeah, that’s what I thought. He treasures his alone time. Meditating blah, blah, blah. I don’t see the big deal. All I know is it make him leave me early in the morning.
“Someone offered me another job, It pays more but it’s only temporary.” He says.
To be truth full I didn’t expect him to tell me. He never tells me anything. Even when I pester him, a lot.
Pays more but only temporary, hmm. “What about the job you have?” I ask him.
“I’m still keeping that.” He says.
Hmm, interesting. He’s taking on a side job. “When are you doing this job.” I ask.
“Tomorrow night.” He responds.
“What? But it’s your day off. I thought we were going to swim and fish and you were going to fix the back door. Yosho!” My voice had started off fine but at the end when I got to his name it sounded like I was whining.
“I can still fix the door. We can still fish. And I don’t remember promising you we could go for a swim. Either way I’ll be gone for dinner and should be back by the usual time.” He’s turned on his back meaning he thinks the conversations over.
I settle back into my place and cover myself with the blanket so only I’m covered. He’ll get cold soon enough and then he’ll come to me. I hope this new job isn’t dangerous or anything. I didn’t realize I was sleepy.
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She can be such a brat sometimes. It’s true I shouldn’t have just stood there while she was making faces into the mirror but it had been funny. I would have laughed if it wouldn’t have stopped her. Today’s interrogation wasn’t so bad. I think if I just sugar coat the truth for her it will be fine. She will know some semblance of the truth and it will get her off my back. She’s been asleep for a while but I want to break this habit of mine while I’m still young. I don’t want to turn twenty and still need her just to get a good nights rest.
Fucking sun . . . . . . .
I reach over and bring her close to me so I can finally go to sleep. I should have done this after I heard her fall asleep. But no, I had to be a jackass. I’m not going to want to wake up in the morning. I didn’t realize I had been cold till I felt her warmth. She’s always warm. Warm . . . I think as sleep comes.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
Chapter Nine
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I open my eyes slowly, they sting. I know it’s my own fault for not going to sleep earlier but it couldn’t be helped. I’m careful to push her back to her side. I tuck the blanket around her and leave to meditate.
I’ve been sitting on this tree branch for a while but my mind doesn’t want to clear. Maybe I should practice. I jump off the branch and land at the bottom with a soft thud. I pick up my practice sword and head for the river. I’ve been doing this for the last six months. I stand in the river and do a couple of practice exercises. My body has warmed up despite the temperature of the water. I’m ready for the attack. I slash the air in Kyoku henjite ho to naru, it’s where the Diagonal becomes perpendicular. My technique is one that’s never been seen around these parts. But that man recognized it so I have to be careful. I need more practice. As long as I attack first they won’t expect it. My job is not to engage in battle but to assassinate. I stop mid swing. Assassinate. Do I really want to walk down the path of an hitokiri. I shake the thought out. My father had done what he needed to do to support his family. And now I will have to do the same.
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“Where have you been?” That was the first thing I said when I saw him coming towards the house. “You missed breakfast. I didn’t know if you were going to make it for lunch or not. What happened to catching the fish?” I tapped my foot at the door waiting for an explanation.
He shook his head and just walked past me.
“Yosho?” I said following him into the house. But stopped short when he closed the door to our room. “Yosho?”
“I’ll go get the fish right now, alright.” He said from within the room.
“I got the fish,” I said when the door suddenly opened. I stepped back a bit. “I just . . . .”
He towers over me I notice. I bite my lip and look down. “I was worried.” I’m so lame.
“I can take care of myself,” he says as he walks past me. I don’t follow him though. Instead I go back to the kitchen where I continue to cook lunch. I brew the stew, it’s almost done. I go on to decorate the rice balls before I call him to the table. As long as he’s in the house I’m alright.
Lunch is served and I eat but not much. He sits across from me. Quietly eating his meal. Like always. I want to ask what he’s going to go do. But he either won’t tell me an get mad. Or get mad and give me vague answers which only make me worry more.
The rest of the afternoon was spent in an awkward silence, I pretended to read while he fixed the back door and other things around the house. The afternoon breeze swept into the house stirring the pages on my book and my hair. I look up as he emerges from the room. He’s dressed in dark colors. He’s not wearing his hakama and gi. His outfit looks more like a shinobi shozoku. Then it dawns on me that he looks like an onmitsu. He had some hand book on it somewhere in the house. I haven’t seen it in a while. I look at him for a moment before he meets me eyes. He turns away and I continue to exam his outfit. His swords? Why are those out? Oh no.
“Yosho . . .”
“I’ll be fine. I have to go.” He says as he tries to get past me.
I stick out my hand to stop his passing form. I can’t help it. I embrace him and he stiffens at the contact. “Yosho . . . . please. Please be careful.”
I feel him push me away and he leaves without turning back. My stomach is in knots. I hope he’ll be ok.
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Took me hours to get to this place. It’s dark and I’m afraid I might have left the house too late. I stand on the branch over looking the Inn. How much longer before that guy gets here. I close my eyes waiting for him to come. I have a description but it’s dark and I don’t know just how much good that will do me. A yawn escapes me. That’s my fault for going to sleep too late. I open my eyes as another yawn leaves. Shit. I turn my head in the direction of the voices. I move my head just a bit, they’re emerging from the outskirts from the forest. I listen for conformation. “Soji-sama will see you tomorrow.” The two men he was with are leaving his side.
“Don’t spend all your money on those girls Kazuki and Yatate try and not get into a fight will ya.” Soji said to them.
“Goodnight Soji-sama.” The other two sang out. Soji stood just a couple of feet away watching his friends go. Did he know I was here? Why is he just waiting? I leap of the branch with out making a sound. “Kawamori?” I say and he turns. His eyes widen at my appearance. He goes for his sword but it’s too late mines already out and I strike. He drops to the floor. His eyes are open.
I step closer and close them. It’s late and I need to make my way home. I creep through the forest quietly until I reach the main road and then run all the way home.
The sun is coming out and I just barely reached the house. Next time I’ll leave right after lunch, though that might make me look conspicuous. I really hope she’s asleep. I slide the door open. Good she laying in the middle of the bed. Her back turned towards the door. I pick up my clothes and change outside. I put the clothes away in the same spot I keep my swords, under a floorboard in what used to be my fathers room. I creep back into the room and lay down. I pull her too me and have only enough time to sigh before I fall asleep.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
Finally after hours of waiting. He’s home. Thank Kami, he’s fine. I close my eyes in relief, a couple of tears escaping my eyes. I was so worried. I cry into his yukata as he sleeps. The sun is rising and I haven’t slept. I reach for him till I ‘m as close as I can be. I nuzzle him and he envelopes me in a tighter embrace. I look up to see if he’s awake but he’s not, his breathing hasn’t changed and he hasn’t moved. I can sleep now. Now that he’s safe.
My eyes open slowly and they close again. I open then and yes, it’s true I’m not dreaming. Yosho is till in bed and it looks like he turned in his sleep. His on his stomach. with his face lying right by mine. My face starts to burn. Most of him is on me. This is going to be embarrassing if he wakes up. I push him up and he mumbles something. I close my eyes and stay still. But he doesn’t move. Maybe I should wake him up first then he’ll stand and leave and then I’ll get up. No, I can‘t risk it. All right, I start to squirm slowly and slip from under his arm. I’m half way through when I realize I could have . . . . . . . but no. I’ll think about that later. I’m finally out and I crawl to the door. Carefully, quietly.
Now to slide the shoji open. I turn back as I do it. He’s not moving, so I slide it bit by bit. I’m thankful he fixed this door too, it doesn’t make a sound. I leave the shoji open. I crawl away and once I’m close enough to the kitchen I stand upright. Woooo, was that close. I admit I’m a little disappointed. He was so closed I could have kis . . .
“Aeka!”
“Yosho,” I croak before I run back into the room.
“Aeka.”
“Yosho you’re dreaming,” I say as I shake him a little. His eyes snap open. His breathing is shallow and he seems disoriented for a bit.
“Are you alright?” I ask him.
He nods and seems normal again. “I’m fine.” He gets his clothes and he leaves. I stay and make the bed before I leave the room. It would be too much to ask for him to tell me. I sigh.
Chapter Ten
*************
I practice the latest exercise I been taught. Kempo isn’t so hard. I wish I had someone to practice with. Early spring comes again. Yosho is fifteen and we’re still a couple of months away from my own birthday. Whenever he gets one of those side jobs he always leaves after lunch. It worries me though because he always has nightmares on those nights after he comes back. I don’t get that. I wish he kept a diary or journal of some sort. Then I’d know how he felt. He’s become more withdrawn over the months. We’re such a contrast. I’m happy and love talking while he’s distant. I try to keep quiet while we’re together but sometimes I can’t repress the urge to want to talk. That’s usually when I start asking questions. I must say though that his tolerance for hearing me speak is getting better. We can almost go through the entire meal before he gives me that warning
“Aeka.”
Yeah just like that. I turn my head to the sides but there’s no one there.
“Aeka”
I look up this time to a rock a bit ahead. Yeah that would be him and he doesn’t look happy. Well he never looks happy. But
“Aeka.” My head turns to the side this time. I step out carefully. I keep my head bowed because I think I’ve done something wrong though I can’t imagine what.
I walk till I’m standing in front of him. I know I am because I can see his sandals.
“What are you doing in the river?” He says
Um, what do I say. Well I saw you doing it when you practice so why can’t I. “I was fishing.”
“Really.” He doesn’t sound like he believes me.
“Where is your fishing gear?” Oh, so he wants to catch me in the lie.
I grab his hand. “It’s downstream Yosho. Now that you’re here we can go and get it. Come on, lets go.” I say as I yank him.
His eyes narrow but he doesn’t budge. “It’s alright we’ll buy new ones.”
Great, now I’m really going to have to lose the other ones. Cause if he finds them he’s going to have a fit. Well as much of a fit a rock can have. My smile widens and his eyes narrow again.
“Why are you home early?” I ask.
“I don’t have to work today.” He says as he starts to walk away. I still hold his hand so I follow in suit.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
She always tries shit like this. Anything she sees me do she does. I can’t help but sigh. I don’t want her to be anything like me. Despite the years of living with me she’s still managed to hold onto her spirit. Hmm.
“Aeka.” I call out. She still can’t sense ki and I worry about that. It’s true we’re high up on a secluded mountain side. But you never know. To expose herself out in the open where someone could attack her. I don’t like it. She’s my responsibility.
“Aeka.” Why can’t she just stay in the house.
“Aeka.” This time she spots me. I think she knows she’s in trouble. Her head bows and she walks out of the river.
“Why were you in the river?” I ask her.
She takes a moment and the next thing that comes out of her mouth I know is going to be a lie.
“I was fishing?” Oh, Aeka why do you lie to me.
“Really,” I say as I study her features. “Where is your fishing gear?” My inner self applauds me. I always know when she lies.
She grabs my hand and any semblance of victory I might have had is swept away. “It’s downstream Yosho. Now that you’re here we can go and get it. Come on, lets go.” She says as she pulls me.
My eyes narrow. I’ve already been to the house. I looked for her there before I came down here. I saw the fishing gear in the house.
“It’s alright we’ll buy new ones.”
“Why are you home early?” She asks me. Always the curious one.
“I don’t have to work today.” I tell her and it’s almost the complete truth. Some whore house opened across the street today and every man, including Hirohito went to see it’s opening. Aeka’s eyes are so large and expressive, I just can’t look at them. She’s too young and innocent to hear about such things. I start to walk away aware that she still holds my hand.
Lately I’ve had this nasty voice bothering me. What are you going to do when she leaves, it says. My brow furrows and I spare her a side ways glance. Would you leave me Aeka? The realization that one day she will want to marry has finally come to me. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to let her go. I want to get used to being with out her. Before she leaves me. So when it does . . . . . . I can still be me . . . . .
“Yosho, what about dinner?” She looks at me with such innocence. Already I’ve killed men. I doubt I’ve ever been innocent.
“I brought food home.” I tell her without though and without emotion. I hear her squeal and she let’s go of my hand. I watch her set the table and serve the food. She’s so happy. But you are only my responsibility Aeka and one day you will want to leave me. My eyes focus on the food she’s served. I know she’s waiting for me to start eating before she can eat herself. A bad habit, I’m not sure where she picked it up from. So I do. I glance up at her once in a while, while she talks. But I don’t really hear what she’s saying. The nightmares lately have started to get worse. Each one is different but they all seem to have the same reoccurring theme. Aeka dies, and though they’re only nightmare things are different.
I get ready for bed while thoughts threaten to escape me. We’re going to bed early and she seems happy about it. Maybe I should go and meditate a while, at least until she falls asleep. She still on the futon but the moment I get into bed she turns over and reaches for me. I stiffen unsure of what to do.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
I feel him come to bed and I reach for him, like always he stiffens at the contact. “Today’s the anniversary Yosho,” I say as the tears I’ve been holding back escape me. At my words he seems to relax. His arm comes around me and I try not to cry. “Today he killed my mama,” I choke out.
He doesn’t say anything but his embrace tightens. He never cries. I’ve never seen him cry. Even when he came across his fathers body. Never. My hands take fistfuls of his yukata. I want to be strong like him. I want to be strong. Eventually my cries subside. All I have left is the occasional hiccup. “Yosho, you would never leave me right?” I ask him.
The hand that had been rubbing my back soothingly stops. I don’t move afraid my movement might change his answer. “Aeka, things change.”
And suddenly the pain I had felt seems worse. This tearing sensation in my heart. That’s not the answer I had wanted to hear. I start to pull away from him but he stops me. “Aeka, one day you will WANT to leave me,” he says.
“That’s not true Yosho. You are my family and I will never”
“Don’t say never Aeka. Because never is a lie.” His voice has grown colder not just right now but over the last couple of months. I can’t help but think that it’s this new job of his.
I lay back down to my previous position. “I don’t care what you say Yosho. I promise you forever.”
Yosho didn’t say anything and he didn’t have to. This is my promise and only Kami can make me break it.
Chapter Eleven
*************
The sixteen year old boy stood to the side of the bar confined to the walls of this whore house until his shift was over. He tried to remain within the shadows. Trying to go by unnoticed but it was very hard. Damn women kept trying to grope him, offering him freebies. Or anytime baby. He couldn’t help but feel a little disgusted. He just wanted to get out. Why did Hirohito have to loan him out. This was embarrassing.
You know if I was going to be leant out, I could have at least handled the bar. But no, I was lent to Akane to keep the peace. So far I’ve only thrown out one guy but the evening’s still young. This place is worse than The Saké House. The smell of sake, cheap women and smoke is going to make me sick. My ears turn red at the sound of moaning women. I’m glad it’s my only outward sign of discomfort. I manage to remained cool and collected. The meditating over time has been able to bring me peace of mind. A much better hold on my emotions. Now, I’m better at detaching myself from my feelings. My only constant source of annoyance still remains, Aeka. She can easily piss me off. Or scare the daylights out of me when she disappears. She must be aware of what she does otherwise she wouldn’t do it. She does it to punish me. Her eleventh birthday passed by without mush incident. The town thing came up again. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep her away. The reasons why I don’t want to let her visit still elude me. All I know is that I want to keep her safe. And she can only remain safe with me. Just me.
Tsugo just came in so that must mean the bar across the street has closed which means I’m free to leave. I nod at the bartender and leave.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
“Aeka where’s the baby?” I look towards Yosho’s direction but he’s not there. Instead there’s a man. An older version of him. He seems amused. I frown. What did he say?
“What?”
“The baby, where is she?” He asked me with a smile.
I gasp. He’d smiled. But at my gasp he’s strode over with a worried gaze. “Are you alright?” He asks me as he eases me down to a sitting position.
I am very confused. I went to sleep waiting for him to come home. Now he’s home but this isn’t the Yosho I know. He feels my forehead and caress my cheek. I stare at him in disbelief. The smile that graces his lips is to die for. I open my mouth to say something. He smiles again and happiness shows through his eyes. Yosho I wan to know. Please what’s made you so happy.
“Why are you so happy?” I ask in a whisper.
He smiles differently this time. “Because you love me.” He say before he kisses me.
I wake up with a start. My hearts beating wildly. “Aeka, what’s wrong?” I hear Yosho’s voice in the dark.
I shake my head though he probably can’t see me. “Nothing,” I say as I lean back and tuck my head back under his arm. I hide my face in his yukata. I can smell him. I can’t help but wonder why I would have such a dream.
I try to keep my eyes open but I’m tired and sleep sounds so good. I yawn as I snuggle closer into Yosho’s warmth. The older Yosho was very beautiful.
Morning has never looked worse for me. I’ve been having that dream again. I have it at least once a week now, instead of occasionally. I think it’s because I’ve been thinking about it too much. The dream Yosho seems to love me. I mean he would have to if we’re married still I don’t know why I dream him older instead of how he is now. In the last couple of months I have begun to notice more of his physical characteristics than I did in the past. When he gets angry he gets this look in his eyes. Intense. So very intense. I sigh. Why can’t I be older already. Maybe the reason he hasn’t told me he loves me is because I’m still a bit young. Though I’ve read about many women who married young. Though in Japan most marry at the age of 16. Will I have to wait that long?
I look down at the bowl. I’ve been washing this same bowl for a while. I look around to make sure Yosho isn’t around. He might think my spacing off is a symptom of an illness. Sometimes he treats me like I’m made of porcelain. As if I’d break with too much pressure. ‘Yosho,’ I think as I finish washing the rest of our plates.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
The jobs are becoming more consecutive now. I thought this would be a side job but the way the jobs are spanning out for me I think it might become my regular job. Too many assassinations. I can’t help but think a war might be brewing. The sun, set hours ago. And I find myself alone down the road in the middle of the night. One more job. The sky was completely moonless tonight. Is that a sign?
I think too much time alone is starting to get to me. I can’t help but contemplate the situation until I see a nonexistent pattern. I need to meditate more.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
“Yosho why not?” I stump my foot in agitation.
“You’re still a . . . . .” he starts off but I cut him off mid sentence . . . . . . . “child, blah, blah, blah.”
“I know Yosho. I think you will always say that to me. When will I be old enough for you? Please tell me.” He’s shaking his head. Why is he like this?
“Yosho stop, at least tell my why you won’t teach me?”
“What for? You already know the answer.” He says as he tries to walk away.
I sigh and let him go. What’s so wrong about wanting to learn to wield a sword.
Chapter Twelve
**************
I sit curled up by the fire. My stomach hurts. Cramps. I’m glad Yosho’s not home. It had been extremely embarrassing when I first told him. Now that I think back on it though it was funny. He had looked so horrified. He’s bought me some thick blankets but they don’t generate the same kind of heat.
Yosho, I sigh. ‘We have enough money to buy a new house,’ he said but I doubt he will want to leave this place. He likes it here. I wonder if his dad brought his mom here. Maybe that’s why he likes it so much. I scowl at the floor. It’s too early for him to be home. I wonder what he’s doing, right now. It’s been over a year now since he picked up this side job. And I still don’t know what he does. Sometimes I think he’s selfish. Not just in with holding information but he also gets to go out there and interact with people while I‘m forced to stay behind.
‘You’re my responsibility,’ that’s what he screamed out at me on my twelve birthday. I shouldn’t have pestered him about going into town but I get tired of being here alone all day long. A responsibility, huh. I didn’t ask him to take care of me. I don’t know what he expects of me. I’d run away but I did that once. That’s the time he almost hit me. He’d been scared. How was I to know that’s how he’d react. You’d think I’d done it on purpose the way he was acting.
I’m tired I really should go to bed but I just can‘t get myself to stand. The day has passed me by like many of them do. I wonder, if he finds me here will he take me to bed? Hmm . . . .
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
Stop!
Stop!
Of all the luck. I was able to kill my target but I didn’t count on his men following. They weren’t even supposed to have even seen me. I jump the wall and then to the rooftop, I need to find leverage. Find higher ground. I pause mid step at the sound of something whizzing towards me. A small dagger. It ‘s cut my left arm but it’s a superficial cut. Nothing to worry about. I loose my footing as one of the men jumps in front of me. I land on my feet.
I’ve been practicing but I don’t know if I’m ready for this. Two on one I might be able to do but six on one. I take my stance, I hold my blade down like a knife and wait for the first attack. I back up with ease and perform the Ei henjite choku to naru ( when a wedge becomes direct). I take him down but only because it had been one at a time.
“That’s the Kashima Shinryu!” One of them yelled. I had turned to see who it was but a blade struck me through the shoulder. It caused me to stumble back. It looks like they have an affinity for my left arm. I feel a blade enter my right arm and I jerk back to now.
I take a shuddering breath.
“Watch out for the blade it changes directions quicker than you can think!” Same voice but this time I’m not turning.
I try the Ei choku kyoku choku (when a wedge is direct; and a diagonal is direct: It’s two moves in one.) I didn’t execute it correctly but they didn’t seem to notice.
“You can’t run, you little shit!” One of them is shouting at me. They keep jumping out at me. I have to clear my mind. I have four opponents. I feel the sharp edge of the sword as it goes into my left leg. I’m loosing focus.
I leap high and execute the Ei henjite en to naru (it‘s when a wedge becomes a spiral.) I can’t wait for them to keep attacking me. I land and leap up again but this time I perform the Kyoku henjite ho to naru ( when the diagonal slash becomes perpendicular). Just one more. I start of like the Kyoku but change mid form and execute the Ei henjite choku to naru ( when the wedge becomes direct). I feel his blood spray me though it barely registers.
I must be loosing a lot of blood. I’m cold. I take a moment to rip off my top. I make small bandages trying to stop the bleeding in some way. I’m cold but I need to leave before others come. I need to get home without been followed. I take another shuddering breath before I break into a run.
I run for along time. I feel the blooding dripping down my leg. Almost there though.
I see the house but I don’t stop. I pull of my swords and jump into the river. It’s so cold. It numbs all of my body. I dive deeper into the water. It takes the pain away but I don’t feel anything. Nothing at all.
After a while I try and make my way out. It’s harder to get out than it was getting in. My movements are sluggish. The house seems so far away. Eventually I make it. The house is warm. I need to find some bandages. I creep into the house. As hard as I try though I can’t be as quiet as I’d like. I don’t want to wake Aeka up. If she sees me like this there’s no way she’ll ever let me out of the house. Either argument, insistent or annoying I won’t hear the end of it.
I make my way to our room. Damn it. It’s empty. Where the fuck is she? I grab and old gi and head back out. She wouldn’t be in the bath house at this time of night. I walk around the house till I reach the kitchen. I don’t even want to know how she could have fallen asleep there. Aeka, I sigh. You are going to be the death of me.
I make my bandages and secure them over my wounds. I’ll have to wear that navy yukata. It’s almost black so if the blood soaks through it won’t show.
The futon is ready, the blankets are out and I’m changed for bed. Now all I need is Aeka. I make my way to her. Bending down to get her, wrecks havoc on my injured muscles. She’s really warm, I wonder if she has a fever. I look down on her as I carry her to bed. She looks pale. I lay her down and blow out the candle next to me. Finally I can get some rest.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
Why do women have to get cramps? I look at the streaming rays of sun coming in. I feel Yosho next to me. Well if he’s still asleep it couldn’t be that late. More sleep then.
My eyes open again. The room seems cooler and the shadows in the room have moved. So I guess it’s afternoon. My stomach doesn’t hurt anymore. “Yosho?” Why is he still here. I mean I know it’s his day off but I thought . . . . . shouldn’t he be meditating or something. He always occupies himself on his day off.
“Yosho,” I call out again this time I lean over to feel his forehead. It’s clammy.
My heart starts to race. He’s sick. He’s never been sick before. I don’t think I’ve ever even heard him sneeze before. What do I do? Wait . . . . what does he always do for me? If it’s a fever he lets it run it’s course unless it’s really high. I feel his forehead again. It’s not hot just clammy. Maybe he should rest while I make breakfast. I get up slowly and make my way out. I need to make him some soup. Oh, Yosho why do you do this to yourself, to me. It’s because you stay out. One of these days you’re going to catch your death. I can’t help but shake my head. If we have enough money I don’t understand why he keeps working.
“Yosho?” I call out to him.
“Yosho can you hear me?” Maybe if I shake him a little. Oh, it looks like I don’t have to. I watch as his eyes open slowly. He licks his lips. “Here Yosho, have a little drink.” I help him sit up and hold him while he drinks the water I gave him. “I made you lunch can you eat?”
“yes,” he says as he tries to push me away. I knew he might I left the soup close enough for me to reach with out letting him go. So I rest his head on my shoulder while I reach out with one hand to bring the bowl closer.
“Here,” I say as I place it in his hands. “It’s hot so be careful.”
I smooth his hair as he drinks it. I know he’s sick but I can’t help but enjoy it. I can finally take care of him. Maybe once he’s asleep I can untie his hair. I can feel him getting drowsy. But I don’t say anything else. If I do, he’ll think, I think he’s weak and he’ll just get up despite his health. I wait till he really is asleep before I lay him down and leave the room. I’ll get dinner started. I’ll cook it slowly so I can be in here with him. I feel the smoothness of his face with my hand before I leave him. “You sleep Yosho, I’ll be back.”
“Aeka please stop fussing.” It’s been a week and he acts like he was never sick. I thinks he’s lying but I know better than come right out and saying it. If I push too much he gets angry. “Will you at least not train today.”
“I have to train.” He says as he drinks his miso soup.
“Why Yosho?”
“Aeka.” He warns.
“No Yosho. You never tell me anything. Why do you feel you need to train. Why? Are you having problems at work ? Are they bothering you? Are you fighting? Tell me.”
“I’m late for work.” He says as he gets up.
“Why am I not surprised the moment I say something you run off. Fine, just go.” I say as I turn around and leave the room.
I don’t hear him leave but it’s of no surprise. As he gets older his skills get better. I don’t know why I bother. I sigh. That’s not true. I do know why. And I can’t help it.
Chapter Thirteen
***************
Three more years before I can marry? But is there any clue that it’s going to happen. No. Why because Yosho is an ASS!! Yes I’ve learned to cuss. When ever I piss him off it’s. Fuck Aeka ,blah, blah, blah. Or Shit this. Shit That. Or Mother Fucker, that one he used when the hammer hit on the pinky.
ASS! That’s what he is.
I feel a headache coming on. Right after my birthday it seems things started going down from there. This year I didn’t pester him at all about town. You think he’d be grateful. But no. He had to find something to have a hissy fit about. I don’t understand what’s going on with him. I mean he works and he comes home. Is he tired? Kami knows I am. We both need a change in our routines but if I ever suggest a vacation he’ll just huff out of the room. I mean, I’m the “child” right? Like he always says. So what the HELL is his problem?
I’m agitated. But at least ranting makes me feel better. I’ve come to the conclusion and it’s no surprise to me that I love him. I try and express it but he’s closed off. Sometimes we’ll just sit there in this silence that drags on forever. Or he’ll talk to me but about stuff that has no bearing. I don’t know which is worse.
I’ve been with him for a little over seven years out here in this wilderness. Things were so much better when I was young. For one, I didn’t understand anything. That was a big plus. Two, when I felt sad or confused or anything else other than happy I would just hold his hand and I’d feel better. He’d let me. Though he didn’t acknowledge me, he still let me. Now if I tried it, he’d think I was up to something.
I think of you But do you ever think of me? I'll talk to you But will you ever talk to me? I love you But will you ever love me?
I read that in one of the books he’s brought me home. Every month he buys me two new books. I’d ask him for some sort of romance novel but then he’d think I’m trying to get “ideas.”
‘B.S.’ If you ask me. I really need to calm down. I’m young and so is he. I can wait. I can’t wait forever Yosho. But I would be so much happier if it was sooner then later.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
I am so weary of this. The last two years have been very stressful for me. Aeka is thirteen but I don’t know if I can make till she’s twenty.
Things have been very strained between us lately more than usual. She’s starting to develop into who she will be and I haven’t been very successful in separating myself from her. I know the time will come when she’s going to leave and I have to let her go. She is my responsibility. My responsibility. I need to remember that. She is with me because she has to be.
“Oi, Seki.” I turn to see Hirohito staring at me.
I glance expecting for him to continue. “Are you gonna go with us across the street tonight?”
Is he going to start with that shit again. “No,” I say. I’ve made myself perfectly clear on this before I don’t know why he always asks me the same fucking question every night before he closes.
“Well the girls say hello.” He says to me as he leaves.
I didn’t realize it was closing time. I sigh. I hate that I do that. I need a stronger hold on my emotions or they’re going to get the best of me.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
“Let it go.”
“How?”
“Look, you hold the line like this and then you let it go.”
"Yosho you have shown me the same technique five times. What makes you think if you show again it will work, huh?” I ask him from my spot on the rock. He bought some new fish catching thing and of course I can’t work it. No that would make life too simple. I can see his jaw muscles working overtime over there. My eyes widen for a second before I direct my gaze back over the river. “This is the last time Aeka.” He says from behind me. A small smile curves my lips but I vanish it quickly. If he thinks I enjoy this kind of attention he’ll stop. “Look, you extend your arm, like this” He says as he moves me with him. “And then you toss it out after your swing.” he says pulling back a bit.
“Wait!” oh yeah that didn’t sound desperate. “Wait, show me once more before I try it on my own.” I look at him with my large eyes. Hoping it will convey only my need to learn. He nods and I gets back into position.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
I peer down into her large eyes. She seems . . . . . . I don’t know. I nod and she turns around again. I hold the net from over her own hand I twist her with me as I toss the net out. That was a good toss. I reel it back in and hand it over to her.
She just looks at my hand though. “Yosho you’re really the one that likes to do the fishing so why don’t we just leave it to you.” She says with a large smile.
I nod. I don’t get it though I thought she wanted to learn.
“I feel like chicken Yosho.” I nod again I know what she means. She wants me to go into town and get dinner from the restaurant.
I head back but she’s stay in her spot. I want to say it. I want to make her go back into the house. Instead I turn back and head out.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
“What took you?” I ask as I he comes in.
He opens his mouth and closes it again. That’s odd. “I ran into someone I know.” My eyes narrow at that. “Was it a girl?”
“Aeka?” He seems bothered by the question. But why would it bother him if it wasn’t. It’s the first time this has come up. I’m such an idiot. Of course he interacts with girls out there.
“Yosho?” I need to calm down. He’s still holding the bag. I walk over to him and yank the package out of his hand. He can keep his secrets but I don’t have to like it.
I hear him sigh. That’s not what I want though. If I’m mad I don’t see why he shouldn’t be mad too. Deep breaths Aeka. Deep breaths. Where’s the bowl? Didn’t I have a bowl around here?
I spot the bowl. I pick it up and for a moment I wish I could throw it at him. His back is to me and I could. But really, how fast can he be? I bite my lip, I’m a fast runner.
“Aeka.” He’s turned while was looking down.
“What?” I snap back.
His eyes narrow at her tone. Oh, I feel a challenge coming on, maybe not. I watched him turn back.
“That’s what I thought,” I say nice and loud and I see his head jerk just the slightest. It’s harder to get a rise out of him lately. I serve his bowl and carry it over to the table. I place it nice and gently in front of him. I go back for mine and then take my seat across from him. I glare at him for a long moment before I chop down on my chopsticks so hard I almost break them.
Chapter Fourteen
**************
I hear as Yosho comes in to the house. No matter how quiet he is I always hear him, maybe it’s because I listen out for him. I keep my breathing even pretending to be asleep. I hear him changing his clothes and getting into the futon with me. I make a small gurgling noise to make it more believable and he scoops me up so I rest against him. I sigh and snuggle into his warmth. After all these years we still sleep together. Truth is I couldn’t imagine falling asleep with out him. I feel real sleep come to me then. It usually does once he’s home. Once I know he’s safe and with me. I let sleep in and dream of a better life, where we’re both older and I’m just as beautiful as my mother was. In that perfect dream he loves me just as much as I love him.
Morning comes, he’s sound asleep. I like to think my company helps him sleep. I disentangle my self from him and he grasps me tighter. Hmm, Maybe he’s having a bad dream. I touch his face with my hand and he seems to calm. I try again and as I’m getting up I hear him moan. I’m confused. I draw closer to him and He’s murmuring something. I put my ear really close to his mouth and I can barely make out what he says. “Aeka.” It’s all I was able to make out. I leave the room a bit confused.
I take my time making breakfast today breakfast. I don’t know what to think. I’ve asked him where he goes before but he’s never really answered me. The one time I pushed for an answer was about two months ago. That day we had a huge argument. It was the day I told him I loved him. He was stunned.
“You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re still a child.” He said shaking his head.
“I admit I am young but that should that have anything to do with it. I asked were you go, out of concern. You’re all I have in this world and if something happened to you I don’t know what I’d do.” I began to weep as soon as the words were out of my mouth.
He had moved towards me then but instead he retreated and left our house.
I cried myself to sleep. He didn’t come back till sometime early morning. I felt him scoop me up but I didn’t open my eyes. The tears still fell though. He smelled like alcohol and perfume. I maybe young but I can smell another woman on him. I waited till he fell asleep before I left him. I stood by the river washing our clothes. I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t see anything through the blur my tears had created. I finally slapped the Gi on to rock I had been washing it on and jumped in to the river myself.
I didn’t step out of the river till I felt numb. I finished my wash and stepped back on the path home. When I got home I hung up the clothes and began breakfast. I should have changed clothes I realized but what was the point. Yosho woke up sometime while I was making breakfast. I heard him leave the house. I couldn’t cry anymore. I cried all of last night and all of this morning. I just couldn’t.
I had just served his bowl when he came in. I served his drink and tried to leave the room but his hand caught me. I jerked away violently. He seemed shocked, then hurt. But I was through caring.
My chores were done for the time being. I stripped down and slipped my yukata back on. As I lay there, I felt the tears coming back. He could have just told me he had someone before this. Before I told him how I felt. I curled myself in a little ball and cried.
Sometime later I felt Yosho come in to the room. I didn’t say anything and neither did he. When he laid down I got up. He had only comforted me when I was really young. It’s how we got into the habit of sleeping together. I know it’s what he was trying to do now but I just couldn’t deal with him right now.
The day passed and then another. The days became a whole year.
Since that day I had grown distant from him. I’m not sure if noticed. We still slept together but I made sure to be asleep before he got there. I didn’t want to know what time he came home anymore. I would work myself ragged during the day so when I laid down, I would fall like a log.
I’m fourteen and a half, now. Finally, I can see the resembles between my mother and I. I’ve never cut my hair in all this years mainly because I wanted it long and second I don’t think I have a steady hand to cut it myself plus I don’t trust Yosho to do it. Maybe one day when I leave this house I’ll be able to cut it.
I stood in the river doing my wash when I saw someone. It’s the first time in all the years I’ve been here since I’ve seen someone else. The boy seemed startled to see me. I don’t know what to do. He waves at me, so I wave back. ‘Oh no he’s coming over’ I thought. He bows to me and I return the gesture. I feel nervous I’ve never talked to any other boy other than my stepbrother.
“I didn’t know anyone lived around these parts. “ He said
“Yes me and my . . . . .” I didn’t know what to call him. My brother, my stepbrother, my half brother. What do I say? I didn’t know how I felt about him anymore.
“My brother” I finished lamely.
The boy didn’t believe me I could tell but he didn’t say anything. He just nodded in understanding. “Do you want me to walk you back?” He said. “It looks like you have a lot to carry.”
I looked down at my wash. I smiled and nodded.
We spent a very pleasant time together. He told me about his mom and town, while I spoke very little about my brother. I asked him all about town and he seemed happy to tell me about it. I was a little sad when he left. But I had instructions on how to get to town. So I closed up our house. This was the first time I was stepping out.
I walked fast so I was able to make it to town in no time. I found a general store and walked in to ask for directions. The man pointed in the direction of a small shop.
The lady there was very nice. The length of my hair amazed her. Even in a braid as it was it still dragged on the floor. It’s the reason I had learned to tie it around my waist. I told her I didn’t want to cut it too short. She told me she had the perfect cut for me. I was afraid I must admit. I had never had anyone touch my hair, other than Yosho. I kept my eyes closed as she cut it. I didn’t want to see what she did. I felt her cut the hair around my face; I only squeezed my eyes tighter.
“All done, dear.” She said. “Get up and take a look.”
I stood up slowly and walked to the long mirror she had in her shop. I looked at my self. I was pretty. I looked so pretty. I felt tears well up in my eyes. I turned around and hugged the woman. I was so happy. I went back to the mirror to see. My hair was cut short from the back on long from the front. I had large bangs that reached my brow, two ponytails that stemmed from my bangs and fell on each side of my face. The length was perfect too; it was long enough to touch my breasts. I touched the back where I felt two more ponytails stemmed. My hair fell a bit from the knees. It was being held in two separate ponytails. I loved it. I ran to the woman and hugged her again. I paid her and hugged her one last time.
The sun was setting as I ran home. I had to get there before Yosho. True he almost never came home for dinner but just in case. I made dinner quickly. I had run home for nothing because he didn‘t come home early. It was nighttime now and I was so excited I just couldn‘t fall asleep. I heard Yosho come home. Oh no. It had been along time since I had waited up for him. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I heard him as he took his things off. He changed and came to bed. I tried to stay very still. I‘d forgot what I used to do. He picked me up from where I was and brought me closer to him till he curved around me. He touched up my leg and brought his hand up my arm.
I tried to stay very still. Is this what he did when I was asleep? He moved my hair to the side and stopped. He noticed. I usually did my hair in one long braid before going to sleep. But since I had less hair now I kept it as I had it.
“What did you do to your hair?” I heard him say. He pulled me in tighter till he encompassed me like a blanket.
I kept my eyes closed, too confused by the situation. Eventually I fell asleep. When I woke up I couldn’t move. I had turned in my sleep but he hadn’t. He was heavy. I looked into his face. He was so beautiful. I hadn’t stared at him in a while. I swallowed hard. I realized I still loved him. Now I was desperate to get out. To get away. I pushed him upward and he opened his eyes. I felt the flush run all over my body.
I swallowed hard. I could believe it. Why did he have to wake up? I looked over his shoulder so I would have to look into his eyes. “I need to go make you breakfast.” I was surprised my voice didn’t crack. He let me go without saying anything.
I rose from bed with out looking back. Once I stepped out of our room I started shaking. There had been some emotion in those beautiful eyes. For a small moment I thought he might confess his love for me. How stupid can I be? Perhaps to him I’ll always be like a small sister. Or just someone he needs to protect. What do I need to do? Why can’t he just love me? I cried much like I always do when I think about him. To have him so near and so far at the same time. It’s killing me. I’ve had fantasies so real I expect to see him watching me with love in his eyes. Kissing me and telling me why he’s so happy. Sometimes I can barely stand waking up to this reality. The mask he wears shields him but what about me. I can’t wear a mask.
Chapter Fifteen
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
Aeka, I sigh once she leaves the room. This years has been one of the toughest I have yet endured. She’s growing, getting older and no matter how much I try and block out the sight I can’t. She loved me. I feel the lump in my throat again. I have been doing the same thing for the last year. She’s the first thing I think about as soon as I’m awake and she’s the last thing I think about at night.
That day. The day she told me. I had been so bent on deny . . . . it . . . . her. I did the worst thing possible. I slept with someone else to prove I didn’t love her. That she meant nothing to me. A responsibility. That is all she was ever supposed to mean to me. Nothing more. Despite what I set out to prove, the women I slept with, she looked like Aeka. Just a lot older. I couldn’t do it in clear conscious so I got drunk first. As drunk as I was though I knew what I was doing which is probably why I didn’t stay to finish. I had to get back home. In my need to get away from the situation I had left her completely alone. What if she’d left. She ran away once and she’d scared me half to death. If she had run off and something had happened to her I don’t think I could have dealt with it.
The next day was one of the hardest. I had tried to mend things but she jerked away from me violently, almost like she knew. The look she gave me was so full of anger. But most of all hurt. Since that day. We’ve drifted apart. No that’s not true. She put up a barrier between us. One meant to keep me out. Her laughter stopped so did her idle chitchat.
And now one year later to the day . . . . . . she’s cut her hair. I thought my heart would nearly fall out. In the dark I could only feel strands of her once long beautiful locks. But this morning in the light I must admit it looks nice. She looked very beautiful. It had been a while since she’d made eye contact with me. I wish . . . . but no. There is no point in wishing for things. If she were to still love me, which I really doubt I couldn’t. I just couldn’t take advantage of her like that. I’m nineteen while she’s only fourteen. She doesn’t know any better.
I’ve been saying that for years, I wonder how much longer that excuse will work. Aeka. You deserve more than me. I have killed too many men. Maybe someone more innocent. More like yourself Aeka, reason argues.
I have tried to separate myself from her and it has been impossible. I know I won’t be able to just let her go. I will admit. I care for her a great deal but I won’t allow myself to love her. I can’t do that to her.
Someone like me is not worthy of her love. I’ve done too many wrongs. What ever reasons I may have had when I began this path of killing they don’t excuse me. These sins are now a part of who I am. It‘s not something I can overlook. What ever I feel or may feel later on I will not reveal. I will not burden her. I will allow her to move on. I think I can do that.
“Yosho breakfast.”
I get up from bed at the sound of her voice and much like always I wonder if she will have a breakfast with me?
I look at her bustling in the kitchen. She brings my bowl and sets it down in front of me. I spare her a small glance. It looks like I will have company today. She hasn’t had breakfast with me since that day. She doesn’t eat much and soon she leaves to go wash the dishes. I look down into my bowl and I realize what I want is for things to go back to the way they were. I miss the nagging and the questions. Never thought I’d think that.
I finish my meal and wait for Aeka to take it away. I don’t wait long. She takes it and busies herself. I leave to change my clothes. I’ll practice outside for a while. That always sets my mind at ease.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
I keep quiet during the meal. My head bowed low so he can’t see I’ve been crying. He confuses me sometimes. It’s only when he thinks that I’m asleep that he seems to show some semblance of gentleness towards me.
He’s acting a bit odd today. I watch him as he steps outside. Hmm, he’s going to practice with out his top. Maybe I’ll do a small wash first. I pick up our yukatas and head out to wash.
I role up my sleeves and ‘accidentally’ kick the tub just slightly. Good. I can see him without being obvious. I start scrubbing the yukata and careful not to look up. Not yet anyways. I scrub it a bit more till it’s ready to be wrung out. I rise slowly to my feet and wring it out with out looking at it. I keep my eyes on Yosho’s back as his muscles flex. I sigh. I reluctantly take my eyes away and hang it on the line. I repeat the same process with the other one. But I wash that one twice because I dropped it the first time I wrung it out. I give a deep sigh and turn.
I stop when I hear something.
Oh no. Please Kami. no no no no no. This can’t be happening.
Aeka!
Aeka!
I turn back around to see Masuo Iyadomi, the boy I met in the river. I feel fear grip my heart. It starts to race. Yosho is to the side of the house, Masuo won’t see him until it’s too late.
“Aeka, I came to visit . . . . . “ He trailed off and I closed my eyes.
“Hello Masuo, how are you?” I say in a quiet, calm voice. It’s too late to back out, Yosho heard him calling me by name.
“Hello,” Masuo said as he bowed to Yosho. Yosho however did not bow. His face was like stone. Hard and unmoving. I saw the muscles in his jaw clench. He used to do that when I made him mad, back when I was younger.
Masuo turned back to me.
“That’s Yosho.” I said to him.
“I figured.” he said. This was really awkward. Hmm, well alright. “Why don’t you come in for some tea.”
Masuo nodded and followed me inside. But so did Yosho.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
Aeka!
Aeka!
My head turns at the call of her name. My body had warmed up with my exercise but this cause my face and ears to get hot. Oh no . . . . Aeka.
I leave her here because I think it’s safe. Safe because she’s away from other people and what do I find out. She’s still . . . I can’t believe it. He’s not a kid either. He’s about seventeen at least. I watch them greet each other and it pisses me off.
He greets me but all it does is antagonize me some more. Son of . . . . My thought is left unfinished. She’s inviting him in.
I follow them into the house. Aeka’s nervous. My heart turns icy. Is this someone she likes? Is that why she’s nervous? My face remains indecipherable while thoughts whirl around my head. My mind is in disarray. Mother fucker.
I feel hate something I haven’t felt since Jurai, when he killed my father. Actions without thought. It’s in my nature and something I’ve tried very hard to over come.
I watch with narrowed eyes as she sits to my left while this . . . . other . . . . sits in front of me. How many times has been inside my house? How many times?
She’s smiling at him while she serves him tea and it’s infuriating me. She looks at me and knocks over her cup. I watch the hot liquid spill out of the cup and on to the table. I pull her closer to me before it can spill on her. She looks at me with widened eyes. My eyes are guarded, watchful of the situation. I see her flush at the way I’m still holding her so I let her go.
She cleans it up but doesn’t move away from me. She serves me tea and then herself. There’s a long silence and then before I can think about what I’m doing the words come out of my mouth. “Why are you here?”
“Yosho,” I hear her gasp.
He answers me with a straight face. “I came to visit Aeka.”
“Visit?” I echo. Visit means he knows her. Means he’s been here more than once.
My face turns to hers and she looks extremely pale. “Visit?” I say again. “I leave you thinking you’re safe.”
She gives me an apprehensive look. “Yosho . . . . I” She begins but I shake my head. I stop looking at her. Any other time I would just get up and leave but I will not leave my house while this one stays. “I don’t want you to come back here.” I state.
“You can’t do that Yosho. You know I have no one to talk to and . . . .”
“Aeka,” I say testily.
“Aeka it’s alright. I shouldn’t have come. My apologies.” He said bowing to her. He actually glares at me.
“Anytime.” I say with a smile.
I can see Aeka’s eyes widen some more. He leaves and that’s when it starts.
I sigh, actions without thought.
: : : : : : : : : : : : :
"I can’t believe it. The one friend. The only other person who’s kept me company this last year. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. I’m so angry I’m speechless.
I watch Masuo glare at Yosho.
“Anytime.” I can’t believe it. He threatened him. But why and what’s with the smile.
As soon as the door slides closed I find my voice. “You selfish bastard!”
I see him shake his head.
“Yes you are. You leave me here every day while you go out there and do Kami knows what”
“I work Aeka.”
“No.” I spat at him.
“Aeka you don’t know what you’re talking about.” he says his in a monotonous voice.
“Hell!! If I don’t know.” I wanted to scream. Scream about his failure to love me. Scream about his stupidity.
“You have not right. You don’t OWN me Yosho and if I want friends I won’t stop just because you don’t like it. I like Masuo . . . . .”
“That’s what this is about then. You like Masuo. It’s not that you want a friend you want someone to fuck you.” He spat.
I couldn’t believe he’d said that. He was angry now. “I don’t use work as an excuse to go fuck someone Yosho. I believe that’s you.” My tone has dropped several degrees.
His eyes are flashing dangerously but he doesn’t say anything.
“That’s what I thought.” I knew he had and this confirms it. “I will see Masuo when I please Yosho.” I turn around, I don’t want to deal with him anymore.
“No you won’t.” he growled. But I don’t reply I continue my walk out of the room. “Don’t test me Aeka.”
“Don’t test me.” I repeat coming to a halt. “Don’t test me . . . . What are you going to do Yosho?” I say as I turn around. I walk back and stand right in front of him. “What are you going to do!” I scream. “huh.”
I watch fury cross his face but I’m not afraid of him. It seems like it’s taking him every ounce of strength he has to keep himself from swinging at me. A mocking smile crosses my lips. His jaw clenches. Then without another word he leaves.
“Yes run to you whore.” I scream out at him but he doesn’t stop. My eyes begin to water and slump to the floor and cry. Why can’t you just love me Yosho? The thought always makes me sob harder.