TITLE: The Tubbie Files

RATING: PG-13

KEYWORDS: X Files, Crossover, Humor

ARCHIVE: Anywhere, just let me know.

SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully encounter the Teletubbies

DISCLAIMER: X Files is not mine. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 productions and others. Teletubbies belongs to public television and believe me, they can keep them! I'm making no money off of this in any way. This story is copywrited oct 2002 and may not be altered in any way without the permission of the author.

By Cheri.

"Scully, Hurry up! It's this way!" Mulder cried out to Scully who was fighting to keep up. "We need to get you some roller blades or something so you can keep up with me on those little legs of yours."

"I could keep up if maybe you would slow down." Scully said, panting." Besides Mulder, the sun hasn't come up yet and I'm afraid I'll trip and fall on my ass."

"Can't slow down and use your flashlight, Scully. There are aliens to check out." Mulder said, increasing his stride.

"There's always aliens to check out with you, Mulder." Scully muttered to herself.

They passed through a wooded area and onto a lush green field. Mulder paused and took in the hills as Scully finally caught up to him.

"Hmmmm, we better be careful, Scully. Aliens could hide behind any one of these hills." He said pointing.

"The only thing I see on the hills are rabbits, Mulder." Scully said, as she stared at them sleeping, peacefully.

"And a lot of them, too!" Mulder mused, as they walked out further onto the field.

As they climbed one of the tallest hills, Mulder stopped Scully as he noticed a huge dark hole in the center of it. Mulder and Scully stared at it in confusion.

"That doesn't look like any hole that a rabbit would make, Mulder." Scully said.

Mulder nodded.

"I agree. The sun is coming up now though, so maybe we'll be able to get a better look inside." He said.

Mulder and Scully continued to examine the hole as the sky became lighter around them.

"Maybe we should go down and investigate?"

Scully snorted.

"You first, Mulder." She said, dryly.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"

Mulder and Scully jumped in terror as a loud voice thundered across the field.

"What the Hell was that?" Scully asked.

"HOLY SHIT!"

Scully stared at Mulder who was now facing East. She turned and her eyes widened. She rubbed them again as she noticed the sun now had a huge baby's head in the middle of it.

Scully stared at Mulder.

"That can't be what it looks like." She said to him.

"Um, looks like a gigantic infant's head to me, Scully." Mulder said.

"Well, where did it come from?" Scully yelled.

"How the Hell should I know?" Mulder said. "Why don't you ask it and find out?"

"It's a baby, Mulder. Judging from it's age, I doubt if it can talk yet."

"Well, do you have any better ideas?" Mulder said.

"Um, Hi...baby. We're Mulder and Scully. How are you?" Scully said, feeling like an idiot.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Goo Goo." The baby said, laughing.

"Okay, why are we seeing a baby in the sun?" Scully said, as the baby stared at them wide eyed.

"Um...chemicals?" Mulder suggested.

"Chemicals? From where?"

"Um, from our frosted flakes. It's a government conspiracy. They are lacing frosted flakes with LSD and monitoring human reactions to it."

"Mulder, I don't eat frosted flakes. That's you."

"Well, whatever tofu type junk you eat. They probably laced it with something." Mulder said, exasperated.

Scully rolled her eyes. Suddenly, they saw a little speaker rise up out of the ground at the base of the hill. Mulder pointed at it.

"See, it's LSD and mind control. That's why we're seeing the baby in the sun! Now they are going to use this speaker and control our minds" he said.

"Time for Tubby Wake-up!, Time for Tubby Wake-up!" a high pitched voice in the speaker boomed out.

Scully looked at Mulder.

"That's the mind control message, Mulder?" She said. "Geez, it's pretty pathetic, if you ask me."

Suddenly, Mulder and Scully yelled out as they felt someone leap out of the hole behind them. They tumbled down the hill and landed at the bottom on their backs. The baby looked at them and laughed.

"Aw, shut up. You damn baby." Mulder muttered.

He looked over at a fat, purple, creature with a tan face, a triangle shaped antenna, and a red purse.

"TINKY WINKY!" It screamed out.

"Uh huh." Mulder said to himself.

Mulder and Scully jumped as a slightly shorter green creature with a dark tan face and a straight antenna landed next to the purple one.

"DIPSY!" it screamed out.

Next, a slightly shorter yellow creature with a lighter tan face and a curly cue antenna landed beside the green one

"LAA LAA!" It screamed

Finally, a very short red creature with a very light tan face and antenna with a circle in it landed next to the yellow one.

"PO!" it said.

Scully looked at Mulder.

"I think we found your aliens, Mulder.

Mulder cleared his throat and walked towards the four creatures trying to ignore the drooling baby face in the sky.

"Hello! Welcome to Earth. I am Mulder. I come in peace. What are your demands?" he said loudly and slowly.

Tinky Winky stared at him and then looked at the others.

"DANCE!" he screamed

"DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!" the others yelled in unison.

As they all began to hop around and spin. Mulder went back to Scully and stared at them.

"What do you think they are doing, Mulder?" Scully asked.

"Not sure. Maybe it's how they welcome strangers on their planet." Mulder said. "Like a ritualized form of greeting."

Scully stared at Tinky Winky.

"Why is that big alien carrying a red purse, Mulder?" she said, pointing to him.

Mulder shrugged.

"Maybe he is the keeper of the archives on his planet and all their planet's history is in that bag." He said.

As they finished the dance, Tinky Winky laughed.

"AGAIN, AGAIN!" he yelled out.

"AGAIN, AGAIN!" the others chanted.

Mulder and Scully watched as the aliens began to do the exact same dance again. Scully looked at Mulder.

"Maybe the dance is so sacred to them, they must perform it more than once." He said, shrugging.

He glanced up at the baby who was now watching the aliens, enraptured.

"God, that thing gives me the creeps." He said.

"How long do you think these hallucinations will last?"

"Got me, Scully. I hope not too much longer. I really don't want to walk around all day with a giant baby staring down at me."

Finally the aliens finished their dance, Mulder took the opportunity to approach them again.

"Say, uh, about your coming here to our planet."

"TINKY WINKY!"

Mulder sighed.

"Yes, you've already told me that..."

"DIPSY!"

"LAA LAA!"

"PO!"

Mulder nodded.

"Yes, I know your names, okay. I want to ask what your mission is here. I..."

He stared as a small white screen on Tinky Winky's belly suddenly flickered to life. All of the aliens laughed and ran over to watch. Scully came up behind Mulder and they bent down to as an image of a little child playing with a doll came on.

"Oh my God, Scully. This must be data they've collected already." He said.

They stared at the little girl who was no more than two or three years old. She was kissing her doll and dressing her in a pink dress. Then she reached into a truck and pulled out a long dress and hat and put it on herself. As the hat slid down over her forehead, she laughed. Mulder looked at the aliens who were laughing at this. Mulder looked up at them.

"Can you get any porn on this thing?"

Suddenly, he felt Scully jab him in the side.

"What?"

"Would you quit thinking with your dick for a moment, Mulder? What if this is an abductee? What if they kidnapped this little girl and they are performing experiments on her. Maybe they are showing you this video so that we might negotiate her release?

Mulder blinked.

"Oh, um...yeah, right. Sorry." He said, sheepishly. "Um, do you have this little girl on your spaceship?" he said, pointing to Tinky Winky's belly.

Suddenly the image disappeared leaving behind the white rectangle. The aliens all jumped up and down.

"AGAIN! AGAIN!" they screamed.

The rectangle flickered and the little video of the girl began again. Mulder looked up at Tinky Winky who was staring at the girl.

"What do you want from us?" he yelled at Tinky Winky. "What do you want in exchange for the girl?"

Mulder looked back at Scully as the aliens continued watching the little movie and paying no attention. Scully shrugged.

"Don't ask me, Mulder. Maybe they don't understand what you want them to do?"

Mulder looked back at Tinky Winky.

"I want you to release the girl. If you do, you can leave this planet safely. Got that?"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

"Oh shut up! I wasn't talking to you." Mulder said, yelling at the baby.

Finally, the movie ended again and the aliens danced around.

"Please release the girl!" Mulder said, growing more frustrated by the moment.

"TIME FOR TUBBY CUSTARD!, TIME FOR TUBBY CUSTARD!" the voice in the speaker boomed out.

"Time for Tubby what?" Mulder said, as the aliens hurried past him. Mulder and Scully followed them and noticed on the other side of the hill. There was a little door. Mulder and Scully looked at each other as the aliens opened the door and went inside.

"OH GOD!" Mulder yelled out.

"What, Mulder?"

Mulder pointed at a white splotch on his shoe.

"One of those damn rabbits just shit on me." He said.

As they squeezed inside the door, Mulder looked back at Scully who was snickering.

"It's not funny, Scully." He said.

Scully locked her jaw trying not to let the giggles come out as they went inside the house. Suddenly, they yelled as a blue vacuum cleaner with eyes and a long hose glided over to them.

"Um, hi." Mulder said, reaching out his hand. "I'm Muld..."

He screamed as the vacuum cleaner sucked his hand into the hose.

"Hey! Give me back my hand, you fucking machine!" Mulder yelled as he tried to pull his hand away. As he continued to struggle and Scully continued to giggle, Tinky Winky came over carrying a pink bowl filled with a pudding like substance. He stood eating and watching as Mulder beat the top of the vacuum trying to free himself.

"Goddamn it! Let go before I disassemble your ass!" he screamed.

Tinky Winky laughed and pointed at the vacuum.

"NOO NOO! NOO NOO FUNNY!"

"Noo Noo's gonna think he's funny when he finds his insides pulled out and spread all over the floor." Mulder screamed.

He looked over at Scully.

"Are you gonna help me? Or are you gonna stand there and just laugh."

"I'm gonna stand here and just laugh." Scully said, giggling.

"Gee, thanks Scully. You're a real partner." Mulder said, sarcastically.

Mulder put his foot on the front of Noo Noo and kicked as hard as he could. Noo Noo sailed backwards and crashed into the back of the house as Mulder rubbed his hand.

"Take that, you demonic hunk o' junk" he said.

Suddenly Noo Noo let out a roar and charged Mulder. Mulder screamed and in his panic turned and smacked his head against the domed house. As Scully bent over laughing, Mulder scrambled out of the house as Noo Noo followed.

"Dammit Scully, it's not funny!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

"SHUT UP, YOU SATANIC BABY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Scully climbed the top of the hill and laughed as Mulder ran around the field kicking rabbits out of the way as Noo Noo continued to pursue him.

"HELP MEEEEEEEE, SCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Scully began to climb down off the hill towards Mulder as the aliens walked around to the front and watched him. They laughed as Scully ran after Noo Noo trying to tackle the machine.

"AGAIN, AGAIN!" the aliens screamed in delight as the baby roared with laughter.

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE KID! I JUST WANNA GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" Mulder screamed.

Suddenly the speaker called out.

"TIME FOR TUBBIE BYE BYE!, TIME FOR TUBBIE BYE BYE!' it said.

Immediately, Noo Noo stopped his pursuit and sped back to the house as Mulder dropped to the ground panting and puffing.

"I want to go home!" he gasped.

"BYE BYE!" the tubbies all cried out as the baby sank lower in the sky.

"BYE! you demonic little shits, now you and that damn hallucination go away and leave me alone so I can get some therapy now." Mulder said.

Scully watched as the tubbies leaped up into the air and back down through the hole. She turned and watched as the baby paused for a moment to giggle before disappearing completely beyond the horizon.

"Scully. We are not going to tell Skinner or anyone else about this. We are going to forget it ever happened. Got me?" Mulder said.

"Sure, Mulder. But what about that little girl?"

Mulder's eyes widened in fear.

"Leave the little girl. Let her make her out of there on her own. She's probably been driven insane by now anyway."

Scully nodded.

"Okay, Mulder. If you say so"

She stood up and began to walk towards the woods. She turned and looked back as Mulder let out a scream. She giggled as she saw a rabbit sitting on Mulder's face.

"Damn these Rabbits!!!!!!!!!"

THE END