TITLE: The Smurf Files

RATING: PG

KEYWORDS: X-Files, Crossover, Humor, Smurfs

ARCHIVE: Anywhere, just let me know!

SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully meet the smurfs!

DISCLAIMER: X Files doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Chris Carter, 1013, and assorted others. The Smurfs belong to Peyo. I'm making no money off of this. This story is copywrited Oct 2002 and may not be altered in any way without the consent of the author

A/N: this story only has Smurfette as the female smurf because frankly I could never stand Sassette and Grandma Smurf and all the others lol!

By Cheri.

"Tell me again, Mulder? What are we investigating?" Scully said.

"There have been reports in this area of little men." Mulder said, as he and Scully walked through the woods.

"Little men? Like little green men, Mulder?" Scully said, sarcastically.

"No, actually. They're supposed to be blue."

Scully stared at him.

"Geez, Mulder. You're open-mindedness surprises me sometimes. I don't think there is anything in this world you don't believe in."

"Hey! Watch where you're smurfing!"

Mulder and Scully stopped short.

"Did you hear that, Mulder?" Scully said, looking around nervously.

Mulder nodded. He glanced down and tapped Scully on the shoulder.

"Look at this, Scully."

Scully looked down and shrugged.

"It's a bunch of mushrooms, Mulder. So what?"

"Ever see mushrooms with doors and windows on them?" Mulder said.

Scully looked closer and her eyes widened as she noticed that each mushroom did have little doors and windows on them. She looked back up at Mulder.

"What do you think this means, Mulder?"

Mulder crossed his arms over his chest and grinned at her.

"I think it means there are really such things as little blue men in these woods." He said smugly.

Scully rolled her eyes.

"I still don't believe that, Mulder. I think these mushrooms are fake." She said, as she began to poke one.

"Hey! Quit smurfing the side of my house, you smurf!"

Scully gasped and jumped back. Her eyes widened as she saw the door open and a little blue man wearing a white hat and trousers comes outside and stare angrily up at her.

"Do you mind? I just got down smurfing my house. I don't need someone like you smurfing up my new paint job!" he said, pointing to the mushroom.

Scully looked over at Mulder.

"Okay, I'm seriously getting freaked out now." She said.

Suddenly a wave of little blue men came out into the center of the mushrooms and stood looking at them. The croud parted and one blue man wearing a red hat and pants and sporting a white beard stepped to the front and waved up at them.

"Good day! I am Papa Smurf." He said.

Mulder shrugged as Scully kept staring at him. He bent down.

"Um...Hi! I'm agent Mulder and this is my partner Scully. We're with the FBI and we were sent here to investigate reports of little blue men."

Papa Smurf laughed.

"Well, that must be us, then. We're the smurfs."

"Smurfs." Mulder said. "I've never heard of smurfs before."

"Well, that's not surprisings. We smurf most of our time here, in the woods. We rarely smurf outside. About the only ones who come to visit us are Johann and Peewee. Are they the ones who sent you to smurf us out?"

"Um...no, actually. It was some creepy, smelly, guy and his mean little cat. He wanted us to find you and tell him where you lived."

"GARGAMEL?" all the smurfs shouted at once.

Mulder and Scully looked at each other.

"Yeah, I think that's his name. Lives in this old broken down castle. Has an annoying laugh."

Papa Smurf nodded.

"Yup, that's him. He's been out to smurf us for years. He even made Smurfette one time in order to trap us. But we didn't fall for his smurfy tricks."

"Who?" Scully asked, confused.

"Smurfette. Our only female smurf."

The crowd parted once again and this time Mulder and Scully saw a little female smurf with long blonde hair walk forward and wave at them. Mulder stared at the others.

"You mean to tell me, she's the only female you have?" He said.

The smurfs nodded.

"Well, how many of you are there?"

"There is 101 of us." A little smurf with big thick glasses said as he pushed to the front. "There is Papa Smurf, Smurfette, Baby Smurf and then there is the rest of us."

"Baby Smurf." Mulder said, as he noticed a tiny infant for the first time. "So one of you is a father, then."

"Yes," the smurf with the glasses said. "There is Papa Smurf."

"So you're the baby's father." Mulder said.

Papa Smurf shook his head.

Mulder looked at Smurfette.

"So which one of the smurfs had sex with you?"

"Sex?" Smurfette said, scratching her head.

"Yeah, sex. You know. One of the smurfs made love to you and got you pregnant."

"Pregnant?"

Mulder sighed.

"You are the mother of Baby Smurf, right?"

"No."

Mulder stared at her.

"Are there any other female smurfs?"

"No"

Mulder blinked as he pointed at Baby Smurf.

"Then whose kid is that?"

The smurfs all paused and stared at one another. Even the smurf with the glasses was silent. Finally, Papa Smurf spoke.

"Um, we're not sure. The baby just magically appeared one day and we took him in."

"Ooooookay. If you say so." Mulder said, glancing at Scully.

A trembling smurf stepped forward.

"You aren't going to smurf G-g-g-g-argamel about where we are. Are you?" he said.

"Well, um...does he want to do you harm?"

The smurfs nodded.

"He is a very bad man. He and his cat Azrael are always after us." Papa Smurf said.

"Why?" Scully asked.

The smurfs looked at each other.

"Why?" Papa Smurf asked.

"Yes, why?"

The smurfs looked at each other.

"I don't know, really. But he seems to smurf all of us with a passion. He has smurfed us as far back as we can remember and he has always tried to smurf us and take us back to his castle so he can perform horrible smurfs on us." Papa Smurf said.

Mulder sighed.

"What is it with this smurf word?" he asked, exasperated.

"What do you mean?" Papa Smurf asked, confused.

"This smurf word you keep using. Smurf this and smurf that. Why do you talk like that? "

Papa Smurf shrugged.

"What other way would we smurf. Don't you say smurf when you smurf to other smurfs?"

"No, I do not." Mulder said. "I talk normally."

"Well, so do we. We've smurf normally all the time." The smurf with the glasses said, wagging his finger at him. "Our smurf language smurfs back to the time of the smurfs when smurfdomkind first crawled out of the smurf and began to smurf on smurf. The word smurf implies..."

"BRAINY!" everyone yelled.

As Brainy Smurf began to protest, the others carried him to the back. Mulder and Scully watched as they tied him up and shoved a gag in his mouth.

"There much better." Papa Smurf said. "You must forgive Brainy. Once he gets on a smurf, he just smurfs on and on."

Suddenly, Scully wrinkled up her nose.

"Oh my God, Mulder. Do you smell that? It smells like someone hasn't bathed in two years."

Mulder squeezed his nostrils together.

"I remember that stench. It was when we were at..."

"Aha! So at last I've found you, you smurfs!"

"Gargamel's" Mulder finished.

As the smurfs ran screaming in terror, Gargamel and Azrael stepped into view. Gargamel laughed evilly.

"Ah, at last! I have found the smurf village!" he crowed.

"I wish to God you'd find some soap and a bathtub instead." Scully said.

Gargamel stared at her.

"What do you mean, find a bathtub? I bathe if that's what you are implying. Azrael and I have a bath once a month. Don't we Azrael?"

"Merrrrrow." Azrael said, glaring at her.

Scully backed away behind Mulder as Gargamel walked up to them. Mulder felt he was going to puke as the smell of sulfur and cat turds permeated the air.

"Geez, buddy. What are you trying to do? Kill the smurfs with biological warfare?" Mulder said, as they both backed away.

Gargamel jumped up and down.

"I bathe!!! I bathe!!! I bathe!!!" he screamed out as his face became as red as a beet.

"Merrrrrrow!!! Merrrrrrrrrow!!! Merrrrrrrrow!!!" Azrael added as he jumped up and down too.

"Well, bathe some more! You smell like a toxic waste dump!" Mulder said.

"You insolent fool! You and that woman will pay along with the smurfs. I will wreak my vengence upon you all!!!" Gargamel said, giving out a sinister laugh.

"Why are you so intent on capturing these smurfs, by the way?" Mulder asked.

Gargamel stopped in mid laugh.

"Um...why?" he said. "Um...because I hate them."

"Why?" Mulder said.

"Well...I...Uh....I....I don't know why! I just hate them, that's all!!!" Gargamel screamed out.

Mulder and Scully looked at each other.

"Look, Gargamel. Why don't you do something better with your time instead of chasing after little blue men? Like maybe filling the bathtub with water and lighting a few aromatherapy candles and getting nice and clean for a change? And then maybe after that, you might go to JC Penny and get some decent clothes because you look like a hobo in that black gown of yours!"

"It is not a gown, it is a robe." Gargamel protested.

"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, the point is, why don't you get your mold encrusted butt back up to that castle of yours and work on a cure for AIDS or something instead of spending your time aggravating little blue people." Mulder said.

Gargamel's jaw dropped.

"How dare you? No one has ever defied me!"

Gargamel stared at Mulder and Scully who were both snickering.

"Really!" Gargamel said. "I am feared throughout these lands. The very name Gargamel strikes fear into the hearts of...would you quit laughing at me?"

He stared at Mulder and Scully who were now laughing out loud.

"Quit laughing at me! I am Gargamel! The most feared wizard in the world...Stop laughing at me, you fools! You are supposed to be cowering in fear."

"Yeah, right." Mulder said. "Listen here, Gargamel! I'm giving you to the count of three to get you and your mangy, flea bitten, cat back up to that castle or I'm gonna arrest you and throw you in a mental institution and I'll send that cat to the pound. 1..."

"I am Gargamel, you fool! You can't boss me..."

"2..."

"I am the terror of the..."

"3!"

"Alright, alright! I'm leaving!" Gargamel picked up Azrael and ran as fast as he could out of the forest.

"Oh thank you! You saved us!" Papa Smurf said, as all the smurfs re-emerged from behind their houses.

"No problem." Mulder said. "I wouldn't worry about Garga-smell anymore. Just threaten him with a bath and laugh at his sorry butt and you'll be fine. Come on, Scully. Our work is done here!"

As the smurfs waved goodbye, Mulder and Scully walked out of the woods.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"And that's it, huh? Little blue men?"

Mulder and Scully stared at Skinner as he read their report.

"Yup, 99 little blue men living in mushroom houses in the woods, one female, and one baby that magically appeared one day." Mulder said.

"I find this a little hard to believe, agents." Skinner said.

Suddenly a stork flew through the window and Brainy Smurf landed on Skinner's desk.

"Well, believe it human. We smurfs are real. Now the origin of the smurf smurfs back to the time before smurf when smurfs smurfed the smurf . Smurfs planted smurf and some smurf smurfs were smurfed..."

Skinner stared at Mulder and Scully who shrugged.

"I suggest tying him up and gagging him, sir. That seemed to work the last time!"

THE END