TITLE: A Fish Called Mulder

FANDOM: X Files/Monty Python

RATING: R

CATEGORY: Crossover, Humor, X Files, Monty Python

ARCHIVE: Anywhere just let me know where it's going and leave my name on it

SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully encounter some unusual characters in London

DISCLAIMER: X Files do not belong to me, they belong to Fox, 1013 Productions, Chris Carter and others...Fish Called Wanda belongs to MGM, John Cleese, Michael Shamberg and others. I am making no money off of this...this story is copywrited Feb, 2002 and may not be altered without the express permission of the author

By Cheri.

"Sir, You have got to be kidding me!" Mulder said in disbelief.

"I wish I was, agent Mulder." Skinner said with a sigh.

"You mean to tell me, Scully and I have to go all the way to London to investigate the murder of some old woman's dogs? What happened did aliens abduct them and conduct experiments on them?" Mulder said, rolling his eyes.

"No, she thinks the suspect is human. She identified one man but the killings have continued. She's now down to one dog out of the three she originally had." Skinner held up his hand as Mulder opened his mouth." And before you say anything....I've already tried to get you out of it. However, the woman read an article about you in some magazine and she insisted you come. She believes you are the best agent, America has."

Mulder stared at Scully and put his head in his hands...

"I don't believe this!" He moaned softly

****************************************

"I don't believe this"

Scully looked over at Mulder as he drove through the streets of London.

"Mulder, would you quit saying that? You sound like a broken record."

"I'm sorry Scully but I still can't believe they asked us to do this! Can't the british police or secret service handle this?"

"Probably Mulder, but she did ask for you specifically remember." Scully said.

"Well, I hope we solve this quick because I want to get back to Wash..."

Mulder's eyes widened as he turned the corner and saw a man and a woman in the same lane as him, coming from the opposite direction. Mulder swerved to the right as the other man drove straight on. Mulder looked back in his rearview mirror and saw the man lean out the window on his side....

"AAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLE!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.

Mulder looked over at Scully in shock. Suddenly he heard the woman scream and the man slam on the brakes as they came within inches of hitting a lightpole. Mulder and Scully jumped out of the car as the man and the woman did the same. The man stomped over to Mulder as the woman stood watching them...

"Listen here, you British prick! You need to learn how to drive on the right side of the road!" He yelled at him waving his finger.

"No, I believe it's you who needs to have a refresher course in British driving." Mulder said angrily.

The man looked at him and a grin spread across his face as he lowered his finger...

"OH! You're an American! Oh thank God! It's nice to meet someone who has a pulse in this country!" He said.

Mulder raised his eyebrow in confusion...

"Um...Yeah, Listen? Are you two hurt?"

"Oh Hell no! We have that happen to us all the time! It's bizarre!" the man said glancing back at the woman. "Anyway, It's nice to meet another American. I'm Otto Gershwitz and this is my sister Wanda." He said motioning back to her.

"I'm Fox Mulder and this is Dana Scully."

Otto snickered...

"Fox? What's that? Your porno name or something?" he said with a grin.

Mulder rolled his eyes.

"No," He muttered. "That's my real name."

"You're parents musta hated you." Otto said

Mulder sighed...

"Anyway, I'm glad you're alright." Mulder said trying to change the subject.

"I mean...was your mother watching Wild Kingdom the moment you were born?" Otto continued...

"Would you please just drop it?" Mulder said, angrily.

Otto held up his hands...

"Just trying to have a conversation. It's not my fault you were named after a small, furry animal." Otto said

He focused his attention on Scully as Mulder fought to control his temper...

"Are you American too?" He asked hopefully

Scully nodded...

"Thank God!" Otto screamed. "Thank God for Americans! I've had it up to here with stuffy, pompous, brits!"

"Then why are you in England if you hate them so much?" Mulder said folding his arms over his chest.

"Because my sister is dating one and she wants to live close to him." Otto said in disgust

"Well, why don't you move back to America and let your sister stay in England?" Mulder asked

"Um....Well, Um...Because I...Well, I...love my sister." Otto said as he suddenly got nervous.

Mulder shrugged...

"So?" He asked

Otto glanced back at Wanda...

"Um...We'll....we're...very close. very, very close." he said shuffling his feet.

Mulder looked at Otto, confused.

"Well...We better get going. We're late for a meeting with this Mrs. Eileen Cody."

Otto paused and stared at Mulder. His eyes narrowed...

"Meeting for what?" He asked.

Mulder stared at him...

"Well, it's really none of your business...but we're investigating the murder of her dogs." he said.

"Why would you care? What do you do?" Otto asked.

Mulder looked over at Scully and back at Otto, angrily...

"As I said before, it's none of your business, but we are with the FBI. We were sent here...."

He stopped as he noticed Otto's eyes grow as wide as saucers.

"Did you say...FBI?" he asked, suddenly scared.

"Um...Yeah, why?" Mulder asked, confused.

"OH NOTHING, NOTHING, WE'RE LEAVING NOW! BYE!"

Otto sped back to his car as Mulder and Scully looked on in shock...

"Get in the Goddamn car, now!" Otto hissed at Wanda.

"What? What's wrong? I thought you were talking to them." Wanda asked, confused.

"IN! DAMMIT!" Otto yelled.

They got in the car as Mulder and Scully looked at each other...

"What is going on, Otto?" Wanda asked angrily

"They are fucking FBI agents." Otto said thru gritted teeth.

"What?"

"F...B...I, It stands for Fortune Being Investigated, Dipshit!" Otto hissed

"That's FBID, stupid!" Wanda shot back.

Otto fixed her with a stare...

"Don't ever, ever, EVER, EVER..."

"Oh for Christs sake, Otto...GO!"

"Right, right!"

Otto hit the accelarator leaving a confused Mulder and Scully behind as they sped off....

****************************************

Mulder sighed as he pulled up the Hatton Garden Apartments on Kipling Road. They had gotten a tip that there was an eyewitness to the murders. A man by the name of Ken...

Mulder and Scully climbed up to the third floor and knocked on the door...

It was opened by an odd looking man with curly brown hair and a bandage around his head. A gauze patch was over his right eye and there were two small scratches in the middle of his forehead...

"Hi, Is your name Ken?"

"Yes, I'm K-K-K-K-K-K-Ken." He said.

Mulder stared at him...

"You have a stutter?"

Ken nodded...

"I'm agent Mulder, This is Agent Scully." He said as they showed him their badges "We need to ask you a few questions about a Mrs. Eileen Cody. We understand you have been seen near the scene of the crime." Mulder narrowed his eyes as he heard Ken's breathing become rapid...

"I was nowhere near any C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-Crime." He said.

"Well can we come in and look around, anyway?"

"Um...S-S-S-S-S-S-Sure." Ken said opening the door for them.

Mulder and Scully came in and looked around as Ken closed the door and began to follow them around the apartment. Mulder turned and looked at Ken, who was visibly nervous...

"What happened?" He asked pointing to the bandage.

"Um...S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-Skiing accident" He said quietly.

"Skiing? In the summer?" Mulder asked him.

"I was in Ut-t-t-t-t-t-t-tah, in the mount-t-t-t-t-t-t-tains on hollid-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-day." He said becoming even more nervous.

Mulder narrowed his eyes at him. He wasn't sure whether to believe him or not. Suddenly, Ken glanced over and saw Scully examining the fish tank...

"NO!" He screamed running towards it.

Scully jumped back in surprise and stared at him. Ken pointed nervously at the fish tank..

"They d-d-d-d-d-d-d-don't like to be d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-disturbed." He said gesturing to the fish.

Scully folded her arms across her chest...

"Okay, what are you not telling us?"

"I'm t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-telling you everything I know!" Ken protested weakly.

Scully raised her eyebrow...

"I don't think so. I don't think you got that injury skiing either. In our report Mrs. Cody has said she saw someone run over one of her dogs and crash into a lightpole."

She watched as Ken flinched...

"I d-d-d-d-didn't mean t-t-t-t-t-to..." He said under his breath.

He jumped as Scully came closer to him..

"Didn't mean to, what?" she asked.

"Um...Not serve you t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-two t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tea." He said as he ran past them into the kitchen.

Scully looked at him as he quickly got out the tea kettle and began to fill it with water. She walked over to Mulder....

"What do you think?"

"Well...He is pretty nervous, I think we should question him a little bit more, maybe he'll crack..."

Suddenly the front door was kicked in with a bang. Otto strode into the room while Wanda stood out in the hall...

"Hey! Made good on that bet, yet?"

He paused as he noticed Mulder and Scully for the first time and his eyes grew wide...

"NEVER MIND! WE'LL TALK LATER! BYE!" he screamed as he ran out the door and slammed it violently.

Outside the door they heard Otto yell out...

"WANDA! YOU STUPID CUNT! YOU TOOK US TO THE WRONG APARTMENT AGAIN! YOU NEED TO LAY OFF THE ALCOHOL, YOU BOOZEHOUND!"Then, in a lower voice, they heard him say..."Okay I think we convinced them. Let's get going!"

Mulder looked at Scully...

"Is everyone in London insane or something?" He asked her.

He stared at Ken who was now staring at them both from the kitchen...

"What is this bet he's talking about?"

Ken's eyes grew wide...

"I never saw him before in my l-l-l-l-l-life!" He protested.

"So someone kicks in your door and you don't blink an eye." Mulder said suspiciously.

"Oh that's L-L-L-L-L-London for you. Everyone is always k-k-k-k-k-kicking in everyone else's d-d-d-d-d-d-doors for a l-l-l-l-l-l-laugh." Ken said with a weak smile.

Mulder stared at him and then threw up his arms...

"I give up! I wanna go home! it's not worth it. I don't even care anymore who did it. Come on, Scully. Let's go home! Skinner can just explain to everyone that we're not qualified enough."

Scully followed Mulder outside and shut the door. As she shut it, she saw Ken breathe a sigh of relief. She turned to tell Mulder, but he was already down the stairs. Shrugging, she turned and followed him...

When Scully reached the car, Mulder was already there.. He sighed as he looked over at her....

"I'm sorry, Scully but i'm past the point of caring now. It's been a weird day!"

Scully shook her head...

"I agree with you, Mulder."

"So, you want to go get some dinner? Maybe some Italian?"

"That sounds delicious! Maybe some fetticini alfredo and some spaghetti primivera with mozerella on top and..."

Mulder watched as she looked past him, her eyes wide. He turned and did a double take as they saw Wanda across the street on the roof of her car writhing and moaning in sexual ecstacy. As they both watched her with their mouths opened wide in shock, Otto leaped out of the car and started to come over to them...

"Now look what you've done! I'm gonna have to do her when I get home just to work all that horniness off!"

Mulder looked at Scully...They both leaped in the car at the same time and drove off quickly while Otto waved his fist in the air behind them...

"AASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!"

End