TITLE: Michael Palin's Fight the Future

RATING: PG

FANDOMS: X Files/ Monty Python

CATEGORY: Humor

ARCHIVE: Anywhere, just let me know where it's going!

SUMMARY: Michael stumbles onto more than he bargined for, while filming his Pole to Pole documentary

DISCLAIMER: Neither Monty Python or X Files belongs to me. The Pythons belong to themselves and X Files belongs to 1013 productions, Chris Carter and a few others. I'm making no money off of this. This fic is copyrite February, 2002. Nothing in the fic can be altered without the express permission of the author...

By Cheri.

(DAY 140---Just Outside Patriot Hills, Antartica)

(Michael Palin is walking across the vast snowy landscape as he finishes up his Pole to Pole travel program. He is heavily bundled up from his head to his feet...The only other people who are with him are his camera crew)

MICHAEL: (speaking to the camera)...It's chilly out here this morning. The temperatures are at least minus forty degrees farhrenheit. It's a lonely desolate place. It's hard to imagine the scientists here living and working in such bleak conditions. Having said that...the scientists are not very friendly to outsiders, so I have decided to come out here to film and talk about Antartica in general. Little is known about Antartica as a whole as it has not been fully explored yet, but, AAAAAAAAAAAAAH....

(Michael falls through a small hole in the ground. His camera crew look at each other in confusion, and then shrugging climb down the hole after him. After sliding a long way, they finally come out at an opening in an underground structure. Seeing Mike standing and looking around, they turn back on their equipment and begin filming again...)

MICHAEL: (turning around) Ah, there you are! (clears throat) I seem to have fallen into this underground shelter of some sort.

(He and the camera crew start walking down the cooridor, they turn a corner and come across another cooridor filled with human beings encased in ice....)

MICHAEL: (stares at them) Wow! This is totally fascinating. It seems we have come upon a sculpture gallery of some sort. Apparently, some of the scientists have been quite creative. (He faces the camera) It shows that even in a place like Antartica, human beings must have art and culture to survive...

(Suddenly Michael is shocked to see a man walk past him. He is holding a small cross necklace in his hand and he is looking intently at the frozen people.)

MICHAEL: Wow, I didn't realize there was someone else in this gallery as well. Judging from his looks though, he's not a scientist...perhaps, he is an ambassador? From time to time, world leaders and ambassadors will visit Patriot Hills on goodwill trips.

(He watches as the man pauses at one of the ice blocks and his eyes grow wide with fear. As he pounds on the ice, Michael comes up to him...)

MICHAEL: Hullo

(The man gasps and whirls around to face Michael. His revolver drawn...)

MAN: Who are you? Are you with THEM?

(Michael smiles warmly and points back to his crew)

MICHAEL: Yes, I'm with them. I'm filming a documentary for the BBC. I've been from the North Pole almost all the way down the thirty degrees line of latitude and now I'm just about to wrap up here in Antartica.

(The Man lowers his gun and stares at him and the film crew...)

MICHAEL: Oh! Where are my manners? I'm Michael Palin....

MAN: Um...Fox Mulder...FBI. (Thinks) Your name sounds familiar to me...

MICHAEL: Well...I used to be a member of Monty Python. You may know me from that.

(Mulder's eyes widen...)

MULDER: Oh yeah! I've seen your movie, Holy Grail, before. Very funny!

(He glances back towards the block of ice and looks at Michael)

MULDER: If you'll excuse me?

(Michael nods and steps back as Mulder thinks. Suddenly, Mulder takes off back down the cooridor. Michael watches him go and walks over to the block of ice. He looks in and sees a naked red haired woman staring blankly back at him. He eyes are wide open and a huge tube is coming from her mouth. Mike looks at his crew)

MICHAEL: This is a beautiful sculpture. I can see why it's Mulder's favorite!

(Michael watches as Mulder returns holding a small black oxygen tank. He steps out of the way as Mulder begins to pound the ice with it.)

MICHAEL: Um...I don't think you should do that. Whoever did that sculpture went through a lot of trouble to make it and I don't think they'd want it destroyed...

(Mulder stops and stares at Michael dumbfounded....)

MULDER: Sculpture? I don't think you understand Mister Palin, This is my partner, Dana Scully. She's here because we stumbled upon a vast conspiracy to infect the planet with an alien virus. I have to get her out of this block of ice and revive her before it's too late. (noticing the camera crew) You might want to have your crew document this. This is proof of a vast cover up that affects every man, woman and child on this planet!

(As Mulder begins to pound again, Michael looks at his camera crew and rolls his eyes while making a circular motion with his finger around the side of his head. Suddenly Michael turns around as Mulder breaks into the block releasing a small tidal wave of water. He watches as he pulls out a vial and syringe and measures out some of the dark liquid. As he inserts the needle into Scully's shoulder, Michael comes up behind him and watches with fascination. Suddenly Scully's eyes blink once and the tube begins to turn brown and shrivel up...)

MULDER: Scully? Scully, can you hear me?

(He begins to pull the shriveled tube up and out of Scully as she gags and gasps for air. Michael looks on in disgust as he pulls it all the way out of her and Scully retches. As he pulls Scully's naked body onto the floor of the cooridor. Michael bends down...)

MICHAEL: So, would you consider this a routine day?

(Mulder stops as he's pulling one of his spare coats onto Scully's body and glares at him. Michael shrugs...)

MICHAEL: I'm not aware of the daily activities of the FBI...

MULDER: (Picking up Scully) Well, believe me, this is not a daily activity by any means!

(He begins to walk out of the cooridor...)

MULDER (to Michael) Coming?

MICHAEL: Well...Actually I wanted to get a few more shots of these other ice blocks...only...they seem to be melting now....and what's this weird thing in their stomachs?

MULDER (sighs and grabs Michael) You've seen enough, believe me!

(Mulder and Michael start back down the cooridor towards the hole Michael had fallen through. As Mulder hurries with Scully slung over his shoulder. Mike turns and walks sideways as he talks to the camera...)

MICHAEL: It's amazing that even in a remote place like Antartica, the most extrordinary things can still happen....

MULDER (looking around at him) Are you still talking to the camera? Don't you realize how much danger we're in now? (He points to the rapidly melting ice blocks around them) I think it's time for you to turn off the camera and concentrate on getting out alive!

MICHAEL: But this is so fascinating, I just have to document it for the BBC!...

MULDER (mutters) I wonder if the BBC would enjoy having footage of you dead and frozen in Antartica?

MICHAEL (cheerfully) What was that?

MULDER: Nothing...just thinking to myself..

(They finally reach the hole. Mulder looks over his shoulder at Scully...)

MULDER: Scully, reach up and grab the vent!

(No Response)

MULDER: SCULLY! REACH UP AND GRAB THE VENT!

(He turns and a look of horror crosses his face as he realizes she's not breathing. He lays her down on the floor as all around them the aliens begin to break free of the human bodies. As Mulder begins CPR, Michael walks over to one of the ice blocks and stares at the alien, fascinated...)

MULDER: C'MON SCULLY! BREATHE!

MICHAEL: These things right here, they look remarkably like aliens.

MULDER: (continuing CPR) That's because they are aliens, you idiot!

MICHAEL: Oh I see...Is this some kind of amusement park ride or show?...for the scientists?

(Mulder glances sideways at Michael and grits his teeth in annoyance. At that moment, Scully gasps as her heart begins to beat again. Mulder grins at her and she pulls her to her mouth...)

SCULLY: I had you big time!...

(Mulder grins back at her. Suddenly they both look at Michael who is applauding loudly...)

MICHAEL: Bravo! What a spectacular performance! You really had me convinced you were dead!

(Scully looks up at Mulder, confused. Mulder shakes his head...)

MULDER: I'll explain later...

(Suddenly the aliens begin to break free of the ice. Mulder pushes Scully up the vent and gestures to Michael and his crew who are filming the aliens. Mulder yells in frustration...)

MULDER: Get your asses in that vent!

(He violently pulls Michael over and hoists him up into the vent. Then he grabs the film crew and pushes them up too. Mulder is the last to go through just as the alien nearest him breaks free. Mulder feels the alien grab him around his leg and he grabs frantically at the vent as it begins to drag him back.... Michael furthur up the vent stops and looks at him...)

MICHAEL: Are you in need of assistance?

(Mulder hears a burst of steam and the alien scream in pain as his leg is finally freed. He hoists himself up into the vent and calls out to everyone...)

MULDER: Keep moving!

(All of them scramble out of the vent onto the snowy surface... Michael dusts himself off and smiles at the camera...)

MICHAEL: Well, that was an adventure!

(He notices a small cluster of igloo's near the hole...)

MICHAEL: (to the camera) must be for the scientists to use when they are away from the base gathering information!

MULDER (panting) Have you ever turned that damn camera off?

(Suddenly they all turn as they as they hear the ground under them begin to groan and creak. As they watch horrified, the ground begins to fall away. Mulder grabs Scully around the waist and all of them begin to run as the ground caves in behind them...)

MICHAEL (running and looking back at the camera with a smile) Luckily, My years of jogging have kept me in peak physical condition!

(Mulder rolls his eyes as he hears him...Suddenly the cave in catches up with them and they all fall into the crevasse. A moment later, they all feel themselves rising up and sliding off something...They all hit the ground with a thud. As an alien spaceship hovers over them, Michael dusts off his clothes and looks at his crew. Everyone's back is turned away and only Mulder is staring at the ship. As Mulder frantically points at the ship and yells trying to get their attention, they walk away...)

MICHAEL: Ah, a good days filming! Let's head back to the base and get something to eat, shall we?

(Mulder waves his arms as he notices the camera's red light finally switch off.

MULDER: Hey!!! HEY!!! Film this!!!!! FILM THIS!!!!

(Michael looks back and waves goodbye as the spaceship disappears into the clouds. He turns and walks back to base as Mulder stares at them in disbelief...)

MICHAEL: Lovely fellow! They were both superb actors! I think I'll recommend that little piece of performance art to the BBC when I get back....

(They head back to base as Mulder passes out behind them.)

***************************************

Foum Tataouine, Tunisia

(Cancerman is being led by a worker to a remote cornfield. He watches as Struckhold emerges from the cornfield.)

STRUCKHOLD: You look miserable. Why have you traveled all this way?

CANCERMAN: We have business to discuss..

STRUCKHOLD: You have regular channels

CANCERMAN: This involves Mulder

STRUCKHOLD: Ah, that name, again and again

CANCERMAN: He's seen more than he should

STRUCKHOLD: What has he seen? Of the whole, he has seen but pieces...

CANCERMAN: He is determined now...Reinvested.

STRUCKHOLD: He is but one man, one man alone cannot fight the future...

(Suddenly Cancerman and Struckhold jump as they hear a rustling behind them. They turn and watch five men emerge from the corn crop and look around...)

ERIC IDLE: I'm telling you, It was this way! I'm sure of it...

JOHN CLEESE: How would you know, Idle. We haven't been here in eighteen years!... (He spies Cancerman and Struckhold who are staring at them with their mouths open...) Oh, Hi! Um...Could you help us? We are trying to find the Life of Brian reunion party? We're a bit lost!...

THE END