TITLE: Bin Ladin and the Holy Warhead

RATING: PG

FANDOM: Monty Python

SPOILERS: Monty Python and the Holy Grail

ARCHIVE: Anywhere is fine, just let me know lol

KEYWORDS: Monty Python, Humor, Holy Grail, Bin Ladin

SUMMARY: Bin Ladin is searching for the Holy Warhead

DISCLAIMER: Bin Ladin and the Taliban don't belong to me (and believe me i don't want em!!) Monty Python belong to themselves. I'm making no money off of this nor am i giving secret funds to the Taliban so don't contact me!

NOTE: This is in response to a challenge I was given by another python fan. It is directed only at Bin Ladin and the Taliban. The story is from Bin Ladins point of view and meant to poke fun at him so forgive me if i offend anyone of Afghan descent or anyone of the muslum faith. i have no problem with anyone from Afghanistan or any muslum except for Bin Ladin and the Taliban!

By Cheri.

Bin Ladin: Old woman!

(bearded man wearing a blue cape turns around)

Abdul: Man!

Bin Ladin: Man. Sorry. Which Talibin leader lives in that headquarters over there?

Abdul: I'm thirty-seven.

Bin Ladin: I-- what?

Abdul: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.

Bin Ladin: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

Abdul: Well, you could say 'Abdul'.

Bin Ladin: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Abdul'.

Abdul: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

Bin Ladin: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--

Abdul: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

Bin Ladin: Well, I am the leader!

Abdul: Oh, leader, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By intimidating the workers! By 'anging on to outdated religious dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--

Woman: Abdul, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?

Bin Ladin: How do you do, wench? I am Bin Ladin, Leader of the Al Queda. Who's headquarters is that?

Woman: Leader of the who?

Bin Ladin: Al Queda.

Woman: Who are the Al Queda?

Bin Ladin: Well, we all are. We are all Al Queda, and I am your leader.

Woman: I didn't know we had a leader. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Abdul: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

Woman: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.

Abdul: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--

Bin Ladin: Please! Please, stupid people. I am in haste. Who lives in those headquarters?

Woman: No one lives there.

Bin Ladin: Then who is your commander?

Woman: We don't have a commander.

Bin Ladin: What?

Abdul: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,...

Bin Ladin:(impatient) Yes.

Abdul: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...

Bin Ladin: (even more impatient) Yes, I see.

Abdul: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...

Bin Ladin: Be quiet!

Abdul: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

Bin Ladin: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

Bin Ladin: I am your leader!

Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.

Bin Ladin: You don't vote for me.

Woman: Well, how did you become leader, then?

Bin Ladin: The slut of the sands.....her arm clad in the purest shimmering buqua, held aloft a machine gun from the bosom of the sands signifying by divine providence that I, Bin Ladin, was to kill the infidels. That is why I am your leader!

Abdul: Listen. Strange women lying in the sand distributing machine guns is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical desert ceremony.

Bin Ladin: Be quiet!

Abdul: Well, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some sandy tart threw a uzi at you!

Bin Ladin: Shut up!

Abdul: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was the leader just because some dusty bint had lobbed a tommygun at me, they'd put me away!

Bin Ladin: Shut up, will you? Shut up!

Abdul: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

Bin Ladin: Shut up!

Abdul: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

Bin Ladin: Bloody peasant!

Abdul: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

*************************************

(Bin Ladin and his Taliban Commaders ride through the desert)

[clop clop clop]

Ali: And that, my leader, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.

Bin Ladin: This new learning amazes me, Ali. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

Ali: Oh, certainly, my leader.

Ackbar: Look, my leader!

[trumpets]

Bin Ladin: Kandahar!

Mohammed: Kandahar!

Ackbar: Kandahar!

Northern Alliance Prisoner: It's only a model.

Bin Ladin: Shh! Commanders, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Kandahar!

Commanders: (singing)

We're Commaders of Al Queda.

We commit suicide-a.

We hate the infidel

We think they smell.

. they're pests in need of insectiside-a

We dine well here in Kandahar .

We eat camel and goose and pickles from the jar.

(dancing)

We're Commanders of Al Queda.

Our strength is our Jihad-da ,

But many days, we hide in caves

That are filled with many a fart-a

We're power-mad in Kandahar.

We've stoned 8,000 women so faaaaar.

(in dungeon)

Northern Alliance Prisoner: (clap clap clap clap)

Commanders: (tap-dancing)

In war we're tough and able,

Quite indefatigable.

Between our quests we knit our vests and impersonate Clark Gable.

It's a busy life in Kandahar.

Man: I have a camel for a caaaaaaaar!!!!!!

(outdoors)

Bin Ladin: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Kandahar. It is a silly place.

Commanders: Right. Right.

*****************************

(Bin Ladin and the Taliban ride through the desert)

(clop clop clop)

(boom)

(boom)

Allah: Bin Ladin, Bin Ladin, Leader of Al Queda! Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

Bin Ladin: Sorry.

(boom)

Allah: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'kill this' and 'maim that' and 'I'm on a Jihad!'.

(boom)

What are you doing now?!

Bin Ladin: I'm averting my eyes, O Allah!.

Allah: Well, don't. It's like those miserable infidels-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!

Bin Ladin: Yes, Allah.

Allah: Right! Bin Ladin, Leader of Al Queda, your commanders of the Taliban shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

Bin Ladin: Good idea, O Allah!

Allah: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Bin Ladin, this is the Holy Nuclear Warhead. Look well, Bin Ladin, for it is your sacred task to seek this Warhead. That is your purpose, Bin Ladin! The quest for the Holy Nuclear Warhead.

(boom)

Mohammed: A blessing! A blessing from Allah!

Ackbar: Allah, be praised!

*****************************

(Bin Ladin and the Taliban come across a fortress in the desert)

(clop clop clop)

Bin Ladin: Halt!

(horn)

Hallo!

(pause)

Hallo!

American guard: Yo!! Who dere?

Bin Ladin: It is Osama Bin Ladin, and these are my Commanders of the Taliban. Whose fortress is this?

American guard: This crib belongs to da prez, George Bush.

Bin Ladin: Go and tell George Bush that we have been charged by Allah with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, we will give him a Holy Nuclear Warhead when we find it!

American guard: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll accept. Uh, he's already scored one, you see.

Bin Ladin: What?

Mohammed: He says they've already got one!

Bin Ladin: Are you sure he's got one?

American guard: Oh, yes. It's da bomb!! (turns to other americans guards beside him)

(I told him we already got one.)

American Guards: (chuckling)

Bin Ladin: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?

American guard: Of course not! You are da evil ones!

Bin Ladin: Well, what are you, then?

American Guard: I'm American! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly asshole?!

Mohammed: What are you doing in Afghanistan?

American guard: Mind your own business!

Bin Ladin: If you will not show us the warhead, we shall take your fortress by force!

American guard: You don't frighten us, Taliban pig-dogs! Go and boil your asses, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Bin Ladin, you and all your silly Taliban k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!

Mohammed: What a strange person.

Bin Ladin: Now look here, Dog!

American guard: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Mohammed: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

American guard: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

Bin Ladin: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

American guard: (Fetchez la Pokemon.)

Other American guards: what?

American guards: (Fetchez la Pokemon!)

Bin Ladin: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--

(twong)

(PIKACHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU)

By Allah!!!

Commanders: AAAAAAH!

(30 foot Pikachu lands on a Taliban porter and squashes him)

Ah! Ohh!...

Bin Ladin: Right! Charge!

Commanders: Charge!

(Bin Ladin and the Commanders charge up a sand dune as they are pelted with Pokemon)

American guard: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.

(throws Charizard onto Bin Ladin)

American guard: And this one's for your dad!

(Bin Ladin ducks as Squirtle bounces in front of him)

Bin Ladin: Run away!

Commanders: Run away!

(American guards laugh and taunt as Bin Ladin and the Taliban run over a dune)

Ali: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!

Bin Ladin: No, no. No, no.

Ackbar: Sir! I have a plan, sir.

(later)

(wind)

(saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw)

(clunk)

(bang)

(rewr!)

(squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak)

(rrrr rrrr rrrr)

(drilllll)

(sawwwww)

(clunk)

(crash)

(clang)

(squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...)

(creak)

(Four Taliban push a large wooden statue of Elmo up to the door)

American guards: [whispering] what is that? i don't know. looks like Elmo. let's take it inside....good idea, come on!

(American guards sneak out and walk around the back of Elmo pushing him into the fortress)

(squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...)

(clllank)

Bin Ladin: What happens now?

Ackbar: Well, now, uh, Ali, Mohammed, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the Elmo, taking the Americans, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

Bin Ladin: Who leaps out?

Ackbar: U-- u-- uh, Ali, Mohammed, and I, uh, leap out of the Elmo, uh, and uh...

Bin Ladin: Ohh.

Ackbar: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden Harry Potter--

(clank)

(twong)

Bin Ladin: Run away!

Commanders: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!

(Taliban porter looks up in horror as Elmo lands on his head)

American guards: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...

The End