| Steve Austin�s modest little car swerved sharply to avoid the oncoming truck, it didn�t hit, but it swerved off the narrow canyon road, plunged three hundred feet and promptly burst into flame. Steve the good and pleasant young man was killed instantly. Upon opening his eyes, Steve found himself in a large cavern lit by red fire. The fumes of Sulphur made his eyes water. On the other side of an abyss, he saw naked men and women writhing on hot rocks, their skin glistening in the reddy-orange light. The screamed and wailed piteously. Looking down, he realised that was also naked. He felt embarrassed and humiliated. �I must be dead� muttered Steve �and all those old stories are true. Hell fire and Brimstone�to quote a certain commentator�burning pitch�all true�� �ALL TRUE!!� echoed a hideous voice. Steve squinted up at a leering demented creature with horns and a tail holding a pitchfork. �All true� the creature repeated. Laughing he playfully poked Steve on the behind with the giant fork. �Ouch!� yelped Steve �Glad to meet you. My name is Prong. Get the POINT? Hahahahahahaa!� �But-� �Come along Mr Austin� snarled the creature �just because we have an eternity before us doesn�t mean we can waste time. On your feet man. Step this way�� �But these are hot coals!� �Ha! Child�s play compared to what�s in store for you!� They walked, Steve was crying wretchedly with every step. They passed nooks where Steve saw whipping posts, racks, iron maidens�all most dreadfully engaged. �Oh we�ve been waiting for you Steve Austin� gloated Prong �We�ve prepared a �WARM welcome, my fellow demons and I. You�re DYING to meet them aren�t you? My brother, Thumbscrew, and my charming sister Flagelletta, and many more - cast of thousands dear boy! �I don�t understand� sobbed Steve hopping painfully over the coals �I was a good man�kind�generous�� �True enough. Get a move on!� �I never harmed anyone�� �Not a soul� �Even when others harmed me�� �I won�t deny it� �I was mild-mannered�� �You were� �I was patient�� �Yes� �Long suffering�� �Well put� �Unassuming�� �I know� �Meek�� �Correct� �Obedient�� �Right again� �Self- effacing�� �That�s a fact� �Even subservient�� �Uh-huh� �A door mat�a victim�a loser�put upon�taken advantage of�� �Absolutely� �Then WHY?� wailed Steve �Why what?� �Why am I here in Hell?� The demon Prong stopped and turned. �Ah. I see. You think there�s been a mistake. There has bee no mistake, I assure you.� �But I don�t belong here. This terrible place � � Prong sighed � Dear boy. You�re not exactly stupid. THINK. Haven�t you described yourself as meek, long-suffering, a door mat and all the rest?� �Yes�� �Then surely you don�t need me to tell you, surely you already KNOW you�re a masochist?� �Are you saying that THIS-� �Of course! Cheer up!� prong winked wickedly� you�re not in Hell. You�re in Heaven� And Steve Austin went meekly to his reward. |
| Hell No |
| Inspiration from Ray Russell, used without permission |
 |