Words can't begin to express the pain and helplessness I felt learning that my dad was dying. I connected with him in a way that I have never connected with another person. We were kindred spirits in a sense, our thoughts and emotions so similar it was as if we were made from the same mold.
I was living 2,00 miles from home when I learned he had a brain tumor and even with surgery only had a few months to live. All I could think about was getting home for his surgery, feeling panicked that I would miss out on my chance to say good-bye. I hadn't seen him in 8 months. I came home, but could never be prepared for the dad I saw. No longer himself, he walked with a walker, or most often with assistance from a family member. Because he had so little control over his ability to balance, he sat freqently in a wheelchair, his body becoming more and more frail. His hands shook and he had no use of one of his legs. He rubbed his head or would hold it frequently and suffer in silence, rarely complaining other than to say that he had a headache. Occasionally he would remark that he could feel the tumor spreading. He must have been terrified. It's devastating to see someone you love so much deteriorate more and more every day.
When his pain could no longer be controlled at home, he was taken to the hospital by ambulance. We knew the day he was taken he would not come home again. His first evening in the hospital he tried to get out of bed, insisting that he was ok and wanted to go home. He fell out of his bed and was unable to get back up. It was then decided that we needed to have a family member with him at all times. We took turns sitting at his bedside in the hospital, rubbing his feet, wiping the sweat from his forehead from the massive doses of morphine that he had to take. He would try to talk, try to have conversations, but some of them were drug induced and very strange, some of the conversations left is with some pretty funny stories to share to help us through our grief. At times he was plotting an escape plan from the hospital and trying to get us to help, or flirting with the nurses and insisting on taking wheelchair rides down the hallway to find the pretty ones. A month after he entered the hospital, he died with my mother at his side, holding his hand through his last breath.
I got the priveledge of writing his obituary and creating a video of his life. Neither of which could ever come close to paying him the tribute that he deserves.
God blessed my dad with the tenderest of hearts. Angered easily by the mistreatment of animals or people, he was slow to anger with his children. (Well me anyway!) I could tell him my darkest secrets and he kept them. What amazed me the most was his ability to love.....unconditionally. I've never known another person to love like he did.
My heart aches at times to have a conversation with him, to just sit in the same room with him. But I wouldn't wish him back. In excruciating pain, he worried about his family, haunted by the sad faces and heartache he knew we felt. Even in his own unbearable pain, he was concerned with ours. He didn't complain, although you could see the suffering in his eyes and the sorrow he felt for leaving us. He was unconcerned with himself, even at the end of his life.
He worried that he wasn't a good enough father, that he didn't show enough affection, that he wasn't able to express how he felt for his kids. If ever I knew someone loved me, I knew my dad did....without a word or a touch he gave me that security. If ever I needed an example of honesty, integrity and love....it would be my dad. If ever I needed reassurance that there is a heavenly Father who could love and sacrifice for me without reservation in spite of my weaknesses, He provided me with an earthly taste of what that love will be like.
When I think of my dad in heaven, I can't help but picture him dancing. He loved to dance, even though he couldn't hear the beat of the music. We teased him about counting his steps. Talk to him too much and he would lose his place. He would dance in his silly way around the house knowing he had an audience. Two-stepping by himself, grabbing the arm of anyone who passed by and not caring how ridiculous and silly he looked. I loved to dance with my dad. Frustrated by my mother's ability to dance, and her love of music, he and I learned at the same time even taking a dance class together, although it didn't help either one of us!! He would always have at least one serious moment that he would tell me how special and beautiful he thought I was.
I have alot of wonderful memories with my dad. He was my plumber, my electrician and my auto mechanic. I never wanted anyone else to touch anything until I had my dad's final opinion. He frequently came to my house to fix things or to rescue me when I would lock my keys in my car. I could call him day or night and he was always right there without a complaint.
He used to come down to where I work and be waiting for me at lunch time as a surprise. The first Christmas after my divorce was hard on me financially. I had heard on the radio where they were giving away Christmas trees and decided to go check it out during my lunch hour. Looking in my rear-view mirror I saw his truck and pulled over. He had come again to surprise me for lunch. I told him of my plans and he followed me to the lot where the trees were. While we were there picking out a tree he mentioned two of my friends who were also single mothers. Always thinking of other people, we loaded up two more trees and delivered them to my friends.
I love you dad, and miss you terribly. I can't wait to see you again!
What it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine....
Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine....
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever worship You
I can only imagine....
