Last night I saw pictures of a dead man. No, that sentence doesn't do it justice - I saw pictures of someone who'd been murdered and another who'd killed himself. My friend tried to kill herself - that's what the pictures reminded me of. But how many times could I say that before it would make the right kind of sense? My friend tried to kill herself, she could've fucking succeeded and she wouldn't be here anymore.. And it's not just her. People do this all of the time. I wanted to. Maybe I still do, but I can't be sure. Being dead isn't going to fix the problem, only the symptoms. Maybe I should become an eastern witch doctor; it would probably fit in with my current world view.

Do you have a world view? Plenty of people do. In fact, I think it might be a stupid question, because it seems that a world view would be necessary to wake up every morning. You would at least have to recognise that you are alive, that you live in a world where other people are alive...but on the other hand (you have other fingers)...on the other hand maybe this simple realisation is what's missing from so many people's lives. Who can tell? I hope it's not up to me (out of purely selfish reasons, I'm sure. No-one wants that kind of responsibility. They'd rather go fishing).

So what would I be doing with my life if I knew I wouldn't live beyond next week? I'd change my world view drastically. Suddenly I'd love the world, I'd never want to leave it, I'd try and do everything I possibly could with my one remaining week. And I wouldn't die in bed. This is why I keep getting out of it, every single morning of every single day. I will not die in bed. I will not die unhappy. Take a look out of my window and you'll see the sun shining on fantastically green grass. You'll see that I have no external reason to ever want to leave life. It's all in my head, it's all a product of chemical reactions...this makes the whole thing seem wonderfully ridiculous. Someone once said something along the lines of "most people don't know what they're doing with their lives, but given the chance they'd take 50 more." It was more profound than that, but I really can't remember it. I remember it made me go outside and sit in the sun all day instead of doing my assignments.

Here's what I think I'd rather be doing with my life: playing guitar in parks and driving around the country doing odd jobs to buy food and petrol. So why don't I do it? In case I change my mind? In case one day I wake up and decide that I want to become an engineer? Surely I must be a little idiotic to think that I couldn't simply go to a city somewhere and get a degree? So then the answer must be either that I don't actually want to do that or I'm afraid of doing it. Either way it doesn't say much for me as a person. Why do I think that society actually cares what the fuck I do with my life? It makes no difference to anyone but me what I choose to do.

Strange that. I suppose I have this idea that one day things will fall into place. How fucking naive. How many senior citizens are there who would tell you otherwise? How many of them would say that they just wish they'd done this, wish they'd relaxed a little, wish they'd slowed down a little and done something fun for themselves? "I've always wanted to..." that's a sentence I never want to say but already I do. Here's another good quote: "I'd rather regret what I'd done than regret what I hadn't." I want to be one of those people. I want to just be. Look out my window again and you'll see how very easy that is. So maybe I'll make a compromise.

I'm going to try. I have nothing to lose....Good night.